A/N: Oh, my! Thank you for everyone who has taken the time to review this story and especially the last chapter. I DID hear what you wanted to see- a little deeper dive into our favorite Lord John's thoughts and emotions and hopefully this is better expressed in this chapter. There is so much conflict of emotions between the three. Out of the three, I think Jamie is being the most even-keeled (who would have thought!? maybe because he has been there before?) But see what you all think!
Also, forgive the shorter chapter. I'm having a minor surgery tomorrow (joy oh joy!), so I may be out of commission for a bit as I recover (I'm going to take it day by day). I wanted to give you all SOMETHING before I do. Good thoughts, prayers, vibes are always appreciated! :) And please let me know what you think of this chapter!
Chapter 53:
The rain had eased up to a drizzle as Jamie and John sought shelter, crouching down underneath the thick branches of a large tree.
"Eleanor showed me the note herself tellin of yer shipwreck," Jamie said. "How could such a mistake be made?"
"It's not her fault, of course," John countered. "She was deceived."
"Deceived?" Jamie's voice held his shock, "Then it wasna a mistake."
"No, I'm afraid it was not."
"But who would want to do such a thing to..." he paused and jumped to his feet, "Tryon, the bastard." Jamie growled, his face reddened to match his hair, "I will...disembowel him."
"Sit down, Jamie," John retorted, "You will do no such thing. He is the crown's governor. It requires a deft hand."
"He cannot get away with this," Jamie crossed his arms, "I dinnae care who appointed him."
"Rest assured. I'm not letting Tryon get away with hurting Eleanor like this. It is unforgivable what he has done," John said. "But Eleanor is my wife." he paused only slightly over the word my, yet, Jamie got his message loud and clear. "And you will not get involved...that would only prove to him that he was right all along. Which of course," John paused, "he was."
Jamie eyed John. He knew that John saw Eleanor's ring. He knew that John knew. And John knew that Jamie knew he knew. But still Lord John didn't remark upon it, biding his time. When Lord John was quiet and cryptic about something, it didn't bode well.
"Tis not only aboot her, ye ken, but the wee uns," Jamie crouched back down, "They were devastated especially wee Hope and Samuel. They are my children and fer their honor, I willna let Tryon..."
"I understand your meaning. And I can only imagine how much the children were devastated," John interrupted, quietly. "My heart hurts greatly for what they went through. And when I meant that Tryon will be held to accounts, tis not only for Eleanor, but for the children as well. It is for our family because they have been affected as well."
"Aye, they were. Hope kept talkin like ye were still alive. Perhaps the lass ken in her heart when we dinnae."
"She is a dear," John's voice was low. "So very beautiful and spirited. How I missed that girl!"
"Aye, my feisty wee sprite," Jamie commented with a smile. "She is goin give her husband such fierce trouble un day."
"She will have to choose wisely, somebody who will love her well and not quench her spirit," John retorted, his voice low, "Does she still resemble you?"
"Aye, she does. Long mops of wee curls on her heid. Temper to rival my own."
"And Rosie?"
"Aye, in looks, but she still has Ellie's gentle spirit, of course. She is un that needs such a tender hand. I have to be verra mindful of her wee feelins...moderate my tone and such, much more than I have to with the other wee uns. She is so different than us Frasers...my sister and I. Timid and unsure at times"
"Yes, with young Rose, it is about building up her spirit and allowing her to shine, not be overshadowed by her boisterous siblings. She will also have to choose wisely as well, perhaps even more so than Hope."
"Eleanor made me promise that the girls would marry fer love. She has concerns of what she is seeing with the young women of the Ridge, marrying so young out of obligation and to survive."
"Of course, I can see how that would be a concern. Tis not a fate Eleanor would wish upon her daughters, especially when she is so intelligent and independent minded herself."
"Tis a fate she was dealt though, three times over," Jamie commented.
"Yes," John's voice was low. "She was indeed." He paused for a full minute and then said abruptly, "Are the boys are well?"
"Aye, growin like weeds."
John smiled at the thought, "I love them all."
"And the wee bairn...ye will hardly recognize yer wee un...he is a fine lad, John. Eleanor as been so.." Jamie paused, "troubled, to raise him in the way ye wanted, ye ken."
John glanced at Jamie and frowned, "I would never wish that burden upon her...dead or alive."
"She kens in her heid that ye wouldna, but in her soul, tis a burden she bears daily. The lad split open his head and she could barely put him down for hours."
John sighed, knowing that it was not just the burden of Hugh weighing on her, but he suspected the guilt of moving on that also weighed. And that guilt would only be compounded by his return. "I will talk to her about it when the time is right."
"Aye." Jamie felt quiet. "I think that would be wise. I dinnae think ye would want the laddie to be so spoiled."
"No. Perhaps he is destined to be a bit spoiled being a Grey, but no, overall, that will not do," He paused, "Did you discuss it with Eleanor?"
"Aye, of course. And she kens I speak the truth, but tis a struggle because...weel," Jamie stopped, wavering in whether to push the issue about Eleanor or let it be for another few minutes.
"Yes." John cleared his throat when he saw Jamie's hesitation, "I cannot wait to reacquaint myself to them," He said, "When William and I got waylaid on the trip home, it was almost torturous to know I was soo close, yet so far from them."
"Is William here?" Jamie's voice caught.
"Ah, yes. He insisted on coming with me instead of returning to Virginia as I wished."
"Where is he?"
John frowned, "I had sent him to Bree and Roger's cabin to rest. I forgot when you sent Eleanor there. I'm afraid seeing Eleanor again affected me more than I let on."
"Aye," Jamie cleared his throat, "Eleanor will be verra glad to see the lad. It was verra hard on her sending him to England."
"I remember that well," John retorted, dryly.
They fell silent before John said, his voice troubled, "Jamie, I hope you understand that no matter what happens, I cannot...I will not let these children continue to think I have perished. Especially my son."
Jamie nodded. "I ken. Eleanor and I dinnae have a habit of lying to the wee uns especially aboot somethin that important."
"Good." John coughed. "I'm glad we agree upon that at least."
"Aye, we do. Dinna fash, John. We will always do right by the wee uns."
The men were silent yet again, listening to the rhythm of the raindrops drip and splatter in the tree above them.
Finally John blurted out, "I cannot wait any longer. I must know the truth, Jamie. No matter how difficult it is." He swallowed hard, "Are you having carnal knowledge of my wife?"
He looked over to him, "Aye."
John's heart sank. He knew...he knew the minute he saw the ring upon Eleanor's finger that it was the case. And even before that...whilst still in England, he knew that Eleanor and Jamie would be together, settling in happily as a family. And he knew he shouldn't begrudge either of them that...for he had told her to do so if anything happened to him...to move on with her life- to embrace Jamie and his love for her.
Yet, sitting here with Jamie under that tree, he couldn't deny, that it hurt. Deep within his soul, in the place which all logic is defied, the truth that Eleanor and Jamie had rekindled their relationship, it burned at him. John could count on his one hand the times he had been truly angry so much so that he let go of his well mannered reasonable behavior and just let himself lash out. And being here, with Jamie...the man he still loved very deeply and now the man who was bedding his wife, who he also loved very deeply...sitting here with him, he let those irrational seeds of jealously and anger overtake him.
"Do forgive me...was this before or after you put that ring on her finger?"
"After," Jamie eyed him, sharply. "Of course."
"Of course," John raised an eyebrow, "It isn't always of course, Jamie as you very well know."
Jamie paused and then turned his head again, towards his friend, "I dinnae make it a habit of bedding women who are not my wife." he practically growled.
"Is that so?" his voice was low.
"Not that ye are owed an explanation in regards to this, but twas twice in the course of my life, I strayed willingly outside the confines of the marrit bed. Once before I was arrested and once of course with William's mama, though I'm not sure how willing that was- twas a bit coerced to be honest with ye."
"I see," John didn't miss a beat, "I do believe you forgot the night of Hope's conception."
"Eleanor was my wife."
"No, Jamie. She was not. She was your godfather's wife at the time...although handfasting does present some legality concerns..." he paused, "I assume you married her with a priest this time to circumvent that possibility."
Jamie stilled, the tips of his ears growing red, "There wasna time."
"There wasn't time," John repeated as he turned, startled, "After all of this, you didn't even marry her in front of a priest in the faith you profess to be so important...and vow to honor her in front of your family and friends. Is that so?"
"We were in the middle of a snowstorm and I dinnae wish to bed..." Jamie began to defend and then stopped, when John's eyebrows raised, "It dinnae matter."
"Yes, it does!" John retorted, "It matters a great deal. You didn't think handfasting sufficed for Roger and Brianna and yet you didn't take pause to give Eleanor the same respect and honor that you insisted Roger give your daughter? That you would insist upon for Hope or Rosie? You hide your commitment to Eleanor away like you are ashamed of her...perhaps because she is not Claire?"
"That is enough!" Jamie held up his hand, "I ken ye are upset and I canna say I blame ye...but I have my limits, John, and ye are sorely in danger of reachin them," His eyes on him, "especially for a man who has had a lifetime of debauchery, especially outside of the marriage bed...and in unnatural ways to boot"
John's eyes were alit with anger, "That's low of you."
"And what are ye accusing me of? Indifference? Dishonor? I ken she is your wife...but she is verra much mine as weel. I love her just as much as ye do...and I willna have ye make light of that."
"I see," John's voice was steely, "Pray tell me...how long after news of my demise did this blessed event occur?"
"If you are so keen to ken, ye should ask Eleanor."
"You would put that burden on Eleanor, when she is already bearing so much..."
"Aye, because she is yer wife and this is between ye and her and I dinnae ken how she feels aboot givin ye the particulars aboot our marrit life..."
"Well, I am certainty not inquiring about the particulars of your marriage bed, if that is what you are worried about."
"I should hope no," Jamie retorted, evenly.
"But regardless of it all, this is also between I and the man that I call my very best friend. I do not wish to burden Eleanor for the answers I require. And considering the circumstances, I doubt she will mind if you spill the bloody details."
"And do ye require answers, John? Specifics? Would that make ye feel better aboot it? It isna goin to ease the hurt ye feel at the moment."
"Yes, I know. I do not think I can feel any more wretched than I do at this moment, but I do not deny that I do require answers," John let out a breath. "How long?"
"A few months...she dinnae jump from yer bed to mine if that is what ye are worrit aboot." Jamie retorted, "She mourned ye. She couldna even look at me for weeks. And ye are the un who said that..."
"I know what I said!" John's voice raised. "But I do not have to like it, Jamie. The thought of you and Eleanor in bed invokes such a deep...raw...anger in me...even if logically, I know what I said. Logically, I would want her happy. I would want you happy with her. Especially after Claire left you. You have your family back. And the woman you love back. But God help me, she tore into my heart and captured it in a way I never thought possible. So, forgive me, if this is a struggle. Because for the life of me, I do not know what bothers me the most...she in your bed...or you in hers."
Jamie stilled. He was quiet for the longest time. And then he let out a long breath, "Aye."
"And I will not let you go and confront Tryon and get yourself into as situation that will only lead to your imprisonment or cost you your life. You have finally paid your debts. And you were a wanted man for so long...you have escaped death from the crown for far too long...and I will not allow Tryon to be the one who finally is your undoing. I will not ever allow you destroy your life over a man like Tryon...regardless of what may or may not happen with Eleanor. Because God help me, Jamie, I will always fight for you...as my friend and the man I..." he paused, "the man you are to me." He paused, before finishing quietly, "But I do hate you at this moment for bedding Eleanor. I hope you know that."
"Aye. I canna say I blame ye."
"Despite that, I believe the moment will pass," John said, his voice very quiet. "Once I find my reason again...and then we shall figure out what should all be done about this wretched business. What a sordid predicament we have found ourselves in."
"Aye," Jamie nodded as they crouched side by side, shoulder to shoulder and fell quiet.
They sat that way for a long time, John trying desperately to control his emotions once longer.
Finally, Jamie spoke, "For what is worth, Lord John, and whatever comfort this may provide ye, despite the situation we now find ourselves in, I am verra glad indeed to be able to look upon the face of my friend again. I mourned for ye too, ye ken. I count ye as un of my greatest friends...no matter if the thought of losin Eleanor tears at my gut. I would rather ye alive than dead."
John reached out and gripped his forearm. "It's worth alot to me, Jamie."
"Aye."
"This feels unbearable."
"I ken," Jamie covered his hand with his briefly, "But we bear it together...ye, myself and Eleanor. And if we allow it to undo us...and our bonds of friendship, then Tryon wins...and I can no live with myself if we allow the bastard to drive our family apart. Could ye?"
John shook his head. "I could not."
Jamie squeezed John's hand before John let go of his arm.
"Eleanor must be flogging herself over all of this. Why did you let her run?" John asked, quietly.
"She asked me to," Jamie said, simply.
"That's unlike you."
"Eleanor said I am growin into understandin her needs better."
"But I don't think she needs to be alone right now. She will only be torturing herself. And we must walk beside her in this...no matter how painful it is for us. She deserves no less from us."
Jamie nodded. "Aye. William is there with her, so she isna alone."
"I suppose you are right."
They were silent for another few minutes.
"Do you think..." John paused, his hands on his knees, "Do you think she feels burdened by the memory of Claire returning and her reaction to it?"
"I dinnae..." Jamie frowned, "Surely that is no what is torturing her."
"I think that might be part of it," John offered. "She finally understands how you felt at that moment...drawn to both you and Claire, just as she is drawn to both you and I. The parallels...they are striking."
"I dinnae think of it that way." Jamie frowned, "I dinnae see it as the same."
"But she would, Jamie. And she...she flogged you over it for years. She cannot bear the guilt of the past and the present. It will break her. And we will both lose her."
"She willna break," Jamie said, adamantly, "We willna let her."
"The truth is..." John said, letting out a long breath, "She will need both of us...to help figure out a way forward. We both...have different ways with her. But we both can reach her heart, differently. And she will need both of us to try."
"Aye, I ken she will." Jamie looked resolute, "I am not abandoning the mother of my children, John. And the woman I made vows to...even if legally, she is yer wife."
John stilled for a moment and then let out a long breath. "I wish..."
He fell silent.
"What do you wish?" Jamie turned to him, curiously.
"I cannot just give her up to you...as much as I..." he paused. "Blast it, Jamie, I would give you the world, but I cannot just walk away from Eleanor. I'm sorry."
"Why are you sorry aboot it?" Jamie asked, frowning.
"As you said...before...I have never desired a woman...and you do...the look you and Eleanor were giving each other as you approached and the way she reached for your hand...and the way you couldn't leave her...I see what lies between the two of you...I saw for years how desperately you wanted your family to be whole again...and I never wanted a wife or a marriage...it was always something I thought of out of obligation, to do the duty of an gentleman...to marry and procreate and add to the family tree. I never wanted or needed it as a man... not the way you do...with Claire and with Eleanor. But..." he paused, unable to go on.
Jamie coughed and then cleared his throat, "Just because ye might have never wanted it, ye canna deny ye found it. Eleanor is a verra special soul. And if ye could walk away from Eleanor, then ye are no the man I have come to respect and admire and count as a brother." He paused and then said gently, but matter of factually in only a way Jamie can, "Just because ye love us both, it dinnae make it easier, John. Perhaps, it makes it harder."
He nodded and drew in and out another breath, "Yes. Precisely."
Jamie stood. "Do you wish to go to her? Ye willna be settled until ye do."
John stood, "Of course. But...perhaps, we should both be there, initially...if...if we can bear the intimate nature of the conversation."
Jamie nodded, "I am able to if ye are as weel."
John nodded.
"Come, Lord John," Jamie put a hand on his arm, "Let's go to her."
Eleanor wiped the tears that were streaming down her face as she pushed open the door to Roger and Bree's cabin.
"Oh, I'm sorry," she paused as the tall young man turned, his dark curls framed his face. The two years had changed his looks, matured him.
He looked so much like Sam...and his mannerism were Jamie...so Jamie. It nearly stopped her heart as she struggled to pull in her shock. She wiped at her face, reaching for her composure.
"Mama," William opened his arms for his stepmother.
Eleanor rushed towards him, her shawl falling to the floor again. "William!" she embraced him and his hold on her was tight. "My God. I missed you so. You can't imagine how much. I didn't know you were here."
"I missed you too, Mama." William pulled away, frowning. He reached out to wipe her tears. "These tears are not just for me, are they?"
She forced a smile and reached to squeeze his hands, pulling him down to sit at the table with her. "Don't you mind. Tell me everything about these two years. I want to hear it all...every detail I missed. I am so eager to know all about you."
"Of course, but, mama," William paused, his eyes on her, discerning, questioning, "Did you see..." he paused.
"Yes, I saw your father," Eleanor said, quickly. She struggled to keep the smile on her face, but she was failing miserably.
"Then..." William paused, "Forgive me, mother," he squeezed her hands which were still in his, "Why are you here and not with Papa?"
Eleanor bit her lip as it trembled, "I just needed a moment away."
"Did you think Papa was dead?"
She nodded, unable to speak any more. The tears flooded her eyes.
He looked at her hand, "Did you and Mr. Fraser...?"
She nodded. The tears fell again.
"Oh mama," William leaned over and pulled her into him, "I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry."
Eleanor leaned her head on his shoulder. "I'm the one who is sorry. I have ruined your homecoming. And I have waited for years for it."
"Think nothing of it," William reached into his pocket for his handkerchief, shook it out and offered it to Eleanor.
Eleanor's heart swelled. It was a Lord John move if she ever saw one and God, she loved that boy even more. He was the perfect balance of Jamie and Lord John...nature verse nurture. She wiped at her eyes.
"This is something Papa would do," Eleanor said, "I always adored Lord John and his handkerchiefs in my moments of need. And I do desperately need one at the moment. Thank you, William."
"Of course," William reached out for her hand, gripping it, "You do know he loves you, Mama. No matter what has been or what will come. Papa is always so self assured but when he figured out that you thought he was dead, he was consumed...to find the culprit...and to return to you."
"I know," Eleanor whispered, pale. "And I love him, William. I love him very much. I always will...til the day I die."
"But you also love him..." William countered, "Jamie Fraser."
She nodded. "I fear I am a very bad example for you."
"Oh, Mama. You are the best stepmother a boy could ever want for...All will be well. I am certain. Papa is home now. And he will know just what to do to make everything better...for you and my brothers and sisters."
Eleanor smiled through her tears, "Lord John always does. He's good like that, your Papa. Now," Eleanor wiped her tears with the handkerchief, "I do want to know all about your adventures. Tell me everything. I want to hear."
"Very well," William laughed. "The estate is very beautiful..."
William launched into accounts of his time away and Eleanor listened intently, her hand still on William's. Time passed quickly and they barely noticed when a throat cleared from the doorway.
"Papa," William stood. "Mr. Fraser."
Eleanor grew pale and William turned back, concerned.
"I see you found your mother," John said, smoothly. "I assume you have told her everything of your adventures whilst away."
"Of course, she wouldn't let me beg her off," William said.
"I ken she is quite pleased to see ye, lad. And lookin so grown and braw."
"Transformed," Eleanor whispered, biting her thumb in her mouth, contemplatively. She rose, "William, dear, perhaps...would you mind going to Fergus and Marsali? The little ones don't know about Papa yet...and well, it is going to be a shock. I'd rather not put you in that position to lie to them until we can go to them, but of course, perhaps, tell Fergus and Marsali the truth. They will be overjoyed just as I am." Her throat was dry. "And maybe perhaps, Fergus can spread the word discreetly to Jenny and Ian. But the news of Lord John to your brothers and sisters has to come from Papa, Mr. Fraser and I."
"Of course, Mama. I understand. And I am at your disposal," He kissed her cheek, "Whatever you might need."
"You are so dear to me," She reached out to pat his cheek, "Welcome home, my darling, son."
"Thank you, Mama. I am very glad to be home with you."
"Thank you, William," John cleared his throat. "For waiting here with your Mama and keeping her company. I know it did her heart a world of good."
"It did indeed." Eleanor smiled again, tears in her eyes. She loved William so much as a child of her heart, and that devotion to her stepson touched the heart of all three of the men in the room.
William looked at Jamie as he passed, "Mr. Fraser." he nodded.
"William," he nodded back.
Eleanor wrung the handkerchief in her hands. Jamie and John both came into the room to sit at the table, the door closed firmly behind them.
"Before we..." she paused, staring at the handkerchief in her hands, unable to look at the either of them, "talk...I think we might have a problem."
"More than what we already have, Eleanor?" John asked, dryly.
"Jamie told you of..." Eleanor grew even paler, her eyes still down. "John, I..." her stomach lurched.
"We will get to that momentarily, my darling. What is the nature of the problem, Eleanor?" John asked, his voice low.
Eleanor raised her eyes to look at Jamie. "It's William. He's grown into his looks. The resemblance between Sam, Jamie and him...it's uncanny. We cannot lie to him any longer. We must tell him before...before he figures it out."
"We canna," Jamie said, quickly. "Not with everythin else goin on."
"If he figures it out on his own, it will ruin all of our relationships with him. We don't lie to our children, Jamie. That's your rule. And we have freakin lied to him for years. Don't you think it is past time to tell him?"
John cleared his throat, "Your vernacular has changed," he commented, quietly. "I'm surprised you would take such a risk to become so lackadaisical with your speech."
It was rare criticism from John and Eleanor flushed under it.
"It slipped out."
"Indeed," he only said and Eleanor's heart lurched.
"John..." she swallowed down the lump in her throat, "Please listen to what I am saying."
"We cannot add to the trouble we are facing now, Eleanor," John said, firmly, "We will deal with William's parentage at a later date."
"John, I'm telling you this cannot wait," She paused, "Please consider what I have said."
"The answer I am giving you is no," John said, his tone brooking no argument.
Eleanor turned to Jamie, aghast. John was never this dismissive with her.
Jamie shrugged, "Lord John is his father, lass. And he isna wrong. He said what I just told ye."
"When this blows up in our faces..." Eleanor twisted the handkerchief, anxiously. "He handed this to me..." she looked down at it. "I needed one and he pulled it out of his pocket, just like you would, Lord John..."
John's face softened. "Sweetheart."
"You hate me. I don't blame you. I hate me too."
"Look at me," John reached from across the table to both of her hands, leaning his head down and kissing them as the rested in his which were against the table, "I could never, ever hate you. You are nothing but loved. Adored. Admired. Respected. Nothing will ever change that."
"What will we do?" Eleanor's voice was hoarse.
"We will figure it out. All three of us," John said. "We were always in this together, Eleanor. Whether we admitted to it or not, the connection betwixt us, it was never linear. It was always entwined by our mutual connection with Jamie...and the feelings we both had for him."
Eleanor nodded. "That sounds a bit scandalous, Lord John." She teased and then her face reddened at the implications.
He raised an eyebrow, "Not in that way, Lady John..." the address slipped out of his mouth before he caught himself.
Eleanor's heart skipped a beat. She eyed Jamie, who tried to look reassuring.
"I think I ken what he means," he shot John a look. "And I canna believe yer mind would have gone to that place, mo ghraidh."
"Seriously?" Eleanor squeaked. "It wasn't going there. I was teasing, I swear."
John shot her another look, "Eleanor, my darling. Language, please. You must be more careful."
"It's just you and Jamie," Eleanor defended.
"And then it will be Mr. Washington, Mr. Jefferson...my darling, I entreat you..."
"Very well. I will moderate my modern language, in your presence, my Lord," Eleanor drawled.
"You are irritated with me."
"God, no, I'm not. I'm just..." Eleanor let out a breath, "I don't know what we are doing here."
"We are trying to figure out what to do," John let go of her hands.
"Well," Eleanor said, "Obviously, we have alot to discuss, but perhaps..." she glanced at Jamie, awkwardly. He gathered her meaning right away.
"Aye," Jamie cleared his throat, "What Eleanor means to say is that..." he paused, looking back to Eleanor.
She coughed. "John, I need to tell you...you are owed this much at least before we go any farther...I want to be honest with you...It has been and will always be that way between us no matter how difficult.
"Yes?"
"It's just that.." she paused again.
"Just get it out, Eleanor," John's eyes were on her, discerning.
"Yes, then, there is a possibility," She swallowed hard and then eyed Jamie again. "I cannot rule out the fact that I could be with child."
John rose abruptly, gathering her meaning, "Have you missed your monthly?" he asked, his voice low.
Eleanor shook her head, "No, but..." She coughed, "A little assistance, Jamie, would be helpful, considering..."
"Aye, weel, things werena exactly according to plan this afternoon..."
"Great God in heaven, please tell me you used coitus interruptus with her, Jamie."
"John!" Eleanor admonished, "I'm supposed to be a lady here."
"I'm sorry, my dear, but..." John turned again to his friend, "Jamie," he was livid. "Please tell me that she is worried for naught."
"Weel," Jamie let out a breath, standing as well, "I got a wee bit careless."
"It's her life! Damn it, Jamie. Do you not care at all, but for your pleasure?" John thundered and Eleanor jumped. John never yelled and if he did, he was unraveling.
Eleanor stood quickly went to him, where he was trembling in front of the fireplace, in the middle of the small cabin. "Lord John. Look at me. Please." Her hand reached for his face, thumbing his cheek. "John...please. Don't make me beg."
John's eyes immediately went to her face.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry we even have to be having this conversation, but I couldn't..."
John's eyes closed, "No. I'm sorry. You were right to tell me, no matter how difficult the subject matter is. I need to know these things."
"I wish...God, how I wish..." her voice trailed off. "You deserve so much better than this..."
"No," John covered her hand which was still on his face, "I'm struggling with my temper today, Eleanor, darling. It's been more trying than I anticipated. I thought I was prepared, but truth be told, nothing could have prepared me for the agony, angst and anger I feel at this moment. And that is not your fault. Or Jamie's. Or mine. It just as it is." He paused, his eyes on her, "Are you well?"
She swallowed. "In what regard?"
"Are you scared that you could be with child from this afternoon?"
Tears sprang to Eleanor's eyes. John knew her so well and in fact that he had every right to degrade her for all of this, he was so admirably trying to love her though all of this, in spite of his own feelings. "I'm so scared for a lot of reasons, John."
He pulled her into his embrace as she began to sob.
"I promise you, Eleanor, I vow to you...that we will figure this out. All will be well. I promise you. Do not despair."
"I'm trying so hard, but the guilt...and shame...it's clawing at me, deep in my soul," She clung to him, "I just do not understand why this happened."
He pulled her away from him, gently, brushing out a stray hair that had fallen into her face, "I cannot tell you what will come of all of this...but I can give you that answer, Eleanor. If you truly wish." He looked over her head at Jamie, who nodded his consent.
"I do wish to know," She searched his eyes, "Why did this happen?"
"Tryon. This was his doing. He wanted you to think I was dead to drive a wedge betwixt us. Or perhaps just for revenge. I cannot say, but he was the one who orchestrated this all."
"Good Lord," Eleanor gasped. She had caused this. Her liaison with Tryon. Her stomach lurched. "Excuse me." She covered her mouth as the nausea welled up inside of her.
She ran outside and emptied the contents of her stomach into the nearby brush and was vaguely aware of Jamie's rough, cool hands on her head, holding her steady as she vomited.
And she knew, that no matter who she ended up with, nothing would ever be the same. For her. For John. For Jamie. And for the sweet family they had made together.
A/N: thoughts?