A/N: Thank you SOOO much for everyone who has taken the time to read and review. The writing of this story is much slower than other projects I have on ff, but it is because as John says in this chapter, they are in a chaotic quandary...where there is really no agreeable solution. But, this chapter once I got rolling, this chapter just flowed out...I would LOVE thoughts. As always, I do not own the characters, except Eleanor (and all the wee Fraser/Grey bairns).
Edited: Because of the review by Snuggly, I had to tweak this chapter to clarifying...because it could be construed that John had an affair, which he absolutely did not..and would not on Eleanor. :) Thanks for your thoughtful review! I appreciate you all so much! :)
Chapter 54:
John stood in the doorway, watching Jamie take care of Eleanor, taking note of the gentle manner of his touch...the way he spoke softly to Eleanor as she retched, his voice deep and soothing. For a highland warrior that was so fierce in battle, Jamie always had such a tenderness that came out with Eleanor and the children she bore him. When they were not warring with each other, she took his edges off, in not even a way that Claire did. Claire matched him step for step, edge for edge, but Eleanor...she refined the edges and brought out...the warmth of his character...as well as the intellectual, poignant side of Jamie, the one prone to laughter and joy despite the hardships he had endured in his life...Simply put, the transformation of Jamie with Eleanor was always quite remarkable to bear witness to.
And as he stood there watching, there was no denying that he loved them both, so deeply...and could sense that their relationship had deepened this time around, that there was more trust there...the trust that could only have been borne by going through the fire together. He also saw Eleanor's pain and despair, unavoidable, yet in that moment, all he wanted to do was ease her burden...to let her know that despite of trial they now face, it wasn't devoid of hope, not if bonds of love and friendship still held strong.
Jamie held her firm, holding her up after she had vomited into the brush. "No, dinnae move yet. Give yerself a moment to settle. How are ye feelin?"
"Better, I think," Eleanor said, quietly, a hand over her stomach, "I think I got too hot and..." she winced.
"Ye dinnae have to explain, mo ghraidh. I suspect that Tryon, that bastard, had somethin to do with this as weel."
Eleanor looked into his eyes, meeting them, "Jamie, will my sins always haunt me so?" she said, under her breath, her lip trembling.
"Mine do," he said, reaching to brush a stray hair out of her face and tucking it behind her ear, "But I willna let ye bear yers any longer. John is right...Tryon must be held to account fer what he has done to our family."
"But Tryon anticipated exactly what would have happened...and that's exactly what happened. He wasn't wrong. He couldn't have hurt us unless I acted on my feelings for you."
"Just because he was right aboot ye and I, it dinnae mean his actions were just. They were full of dishonor and malice. And that is a stain on his soul, not on yers. Ye arena to blame, Eleanor. Ye have no fault in this. Ye dinnae do anythin wrong."
He stood and then pulled her to her feet, "Steady now." He put his arm around his waist. "There we are."
Eleanor looked to where John was standing. She gave him a small, shy smile, "I'm sorry, John. I usually have a stronger constitution than this."
"I've seen worse...from you as well, in fact. Do not apologize. I should have been far more delicate in my delivery of that information, even as pertinent as it was to our conversation. I thrust it upon you, without warning and without thinking of the consequences of how you would react and the feelings it would invoke in you. That was wrong of me. It was poorly done, Eleanor. Forgive me."
"Giving me the truth is never wrong, John," Ellie said, softly. "It was just shocking."
"I know. Let's go back inside. You need to sit down out of the sun, even if the cabin is hot," John responded, his voice gentle.
"Aye, John is right. I'm goin to find ye a cool cloth and some water," Jamie said, "Go on in with John, Eleanor. I will be back soon."
Eleanor looked over at Jamie, her eyes filled with concern.
"Jamie," she bit her lip, it beginning to tremble again as she tried to pull herself together.
"Eleanor, mo ghraidh," Jamie reached out cup her face, "Tis weel, lassie. Ye dinnae have to fear bein alone with either un of us. Lord John isna goin to castigate ye fer what has happened and I willna rebuke ye fer what may be to come. We both love ye, Eleanor, but ye canna be so scarrit that ye arena willin to face what happened and the decisions we have to make."
She paused, because that's exactly how she felt. Being alone with either one of them, made her feel vulnerable. And she was fearful of what John thought of all of this, but also what Jamie did.
"I trust John with ye, Eleanor, just as he trust me with ye," He gave her a tender smile.
"He's right, you know, Eleanor. You can trust me that I only want the best for you and for our children. You must know this to be true."
"Of course, I do," she nodded.
"And I believe that to be true about Jamie as well." John said, quietly.
"Aye," Jamie prodded her gently, "Go on now, mo ghraidh. I promise ye I will be back soon, aye?"
"Okay," she said, slowly.
"Verra gut," He carefully pushed her towards John, who reached out to grip her elbow, guiding her up the steps and into the cabin.
Jamie sensed keenly that Eleanor and John needed a few moments together. The sentiment was right in the three of them working it out together, but when it came to it, it was too much for Eleanor to face both of them at the same time. And yet, she had to face one or the other of them. Jamie knew that time Eleanor spent with Lord John would put her at ease and in the right frame of mind to think of what has to come next...whatever that may be.
John led Eleanor towards the table, pushing her down and then moved next to her.
"May I sit on the bench next to you?"
Eleanor nodded. "Of course you may."
"I will not trouble you, by doing so?"
"No, I actually feel comforted that you even want to sit near me."
He slid onto the bench next to her. "Yes, of course, I do. And I feel comforted that it does not trouble you for me to be close to you."
Eleanor gave him a small smile, "We are a pair, are we not?"
"We always have been," John gave her a smile back. "From the moment I've met you."
"Kindred spirits."
"Indeed."
Eleanor let a long sigh at that memory. They were silent for a few moments before she cleared her throat, "How was your trip home?"
"Stormy."
Eleanor made a face, "It's hurricane season. I hate the thought of you traveling in the summertime, especially with William."
"I needed to get home to you and I doubt there is ever truly a safe time to travel. If it is not storms, it is disease."
Eleanor let out a long breath, "Yes."
"We were so waylaid, but I am thankful William and I are safe now."
"I am as well," Eleanor's hand shook on the table, which she tried to cover by tapping her fingers against the table.
John studied her and her trembling hand. "Eleanor?" his voice was low.
"Yes, John?" her voice cracked as yet again, she tried to reel in her emotions.
"I know you are afraid of what is to come, but you are not afraid of my person, are you?"
"No," Eleanor swallowed down the lump in her throat, "I'm not afraid of you. I would never want you to think I am. You are nothing but good, Lord John. Truly a remarkable man and I know that you will always be fair and gentle with me. But I am more ashamed and fearful because I know I must have disappointed you...and hurt you terribly. And I would never want to hurt you. Ever."
"I do not deny that I am hurt, but I know you would never maliciously hurt me. I know you love me, Eleanor, as I love you."
Tears filled her eyes, "I do love you."
"I'm glad," he said, his voice hoarse with emotion.
Eleanor looked down at her hands, trying to reel in her emotions and not fall apart and begin to weep from the pain of it all. They were quiet for a few minutes, John trying to give her time to confide more in him, but she was unable to speak for fear that she would lose control completely.
"I wish to know more of what you are thinking," John said, softly. "Will you try to talk to me? You never have been apt to hold your cards so close to your chest. You are usually very forthcoming with your thoughts."
"My thoughts, they are all over the place," Eleanor admitted, turning her head to look at him. "They are running through my head like a wild horse and I cannot reign them in."
"But, just perhaps, you can try sharing some of those thoughts, and I can attempt to tame them for you," John said, his voice kind.
"Would that be too difficult for you to do so?"
"We cannot shy from this, Eleanor, as disconcerting as our plight might be. We have found ourselves in a chaotic quandary, one in which I cannot perceive an agreeable outcome," his tone was exceedingly gentle, careful to be mindful of how fragile they were all feeling, "And yet, please allow me to reassure you that I can handle your feelings on this matter...no matter what they may be. You often say that I am your soulmate, that I speak to your soul in a way that is uniquely ours...if that is still true, which I hope it is, then I beg you to allow me to be that person for you again... if only in this way. All the other ways can be decided at a later time...I will not force you in that regard, but in this...allow me to help you, Eleanor. It is my greatest wish at the moment for me to try to ease the burden you feel deep in your soul and quiet the thoughts that are plaguing your mind."
"It is still true," Eleanor's voice cracked, "you are still my soulmate. That will never change. You make me feel loved and safe...and confident in the woman I am."
"Good, I would never wish it to be different than that," John gave her a gentle smile, "Go on then...what are you thinking, my darling?"
"Well," Eleanor let out a long breath as she attempted to twist her hair off her clammy neck. It had fallen down after Jamie and her romp in the woods which seemed like so long ago. "I suppose, for one, I feel like the most hypocritical person on this planet."
"How so?" John inquired.
"If I could have both you and Jamie, I wouldn't hesitate. I want both of you...with everything in me. The thought of giving either one of you up, makes me want to die inside. And I have no idea how to fix this for us, because the thought of choosing...I don't think I know how to choose." She looked down at her hands, then over at him, meeting his eyes, "It's like being forced to choose between a lung or a heart...you need both to live, right?"
"Yes," John nodded, "You do."
"The truth is that both you and Jamie bring life to me, in different ways...And to think of life without either one of you, it paralyzes me...it's a panic, deep in my gut, knowing that I have to do something, that I have to be fair and act morally, but not knowing how to do so or what is even right. Because the whole thing is just wrong."
"I know, my darling."
"And the thing is...now that I am sitting here, feeling all these things, I have realized exactly how Jamie felt when Claire came back. And I hated him for it. What an awful, horrible person I was to him!" Eleanor's lip trembled as the tears flowed, "I made him feel like the worst person in the world for being conflicted. I fought him at every turn with the children because I was so bitter. And he bore all of it...all the shame I thrust on him...he bore it and loved me in spite of it. And he still does, years later...when he should have given up on us, he loved me still. But now, now I know...and God, what a heartless, overbearing, insecure fool I was to him." She sniffed hard, wiping her tears, "I'm so sorry."
"Do not apologize," he reached into his pocket for his handkerchief, handing it to her, causing her heart to swell full of love for him, "I need to know how you feel, dearest, so I can understand how we go on from here."
"I don't want my feelings to hurt you." She blew her nose and wiped her eyes and then balled the handkerchief up in her right hand, her left hand still resting on the table closest to John.
"Of course, you do not. But I already knew that is precisely what you were feeling...guilt over all of that with Jamie. You see the parallels to what happened so long ago and it must feel agonizing for you. Jamie was skeptical, but I saw it written all over that lovely face of yours. Eleanor, my darling," John reached out to lightly touch her fingers with his and when she didn't pull away, he linked their fingers together, "how would that be something you could ever understand unless living through it?"
"I judged him, so swiftly, in my heart," Eleanor said, quietly, "And I felt so morally superior to him and I made him pay, for years, for his reaction when Claire came back."
"But, sweetheart," John's voice was low, "regardless of your behavior, he didn't act honorably towards you and the children. Your attitude aside, there is no denying that he could have handled the situation better, made you feel more secure that even though he was conflicted and pulled between you and Claire, that he still loved you and the family you and he had together, valued you as his wife and the mother of his children. But perhaps you could have been more sympathetic, in hindsight to his plight," John said, "What matters now, is have you learned the lessons from your past?"
She bit her lip, tears falling fresh again and he continued, his voice gentle, "How you handle this...how we handle it together, that is what we should focus on now." He paused, "Though if you feel guilt over your feelings right now...and the desires you have for both of us, then you should tell Jamie that...and seek peace and reconciliation with him. Your guilt over the past is not something we can allow to dwell on, especially when the present is so complicated right now."
She nodded, letting out a breath, "How about the guilt between you and I?"
"Do not dwell on that as well. There is no shame in you loving both of us. You loved Jamie, as have I, for the entirety of our marriage. We just learned to love each other as well. As far as you and him being intimate, I have been intimate with others before our marriage, when I hadn't vowed commitment to you, to remain yours...and in your perspective, you didn't believe we were married any longer. It doesn't matter the reality, it matters what you believed to be true."
"Are you certain you don't hate me?"
John gave her a smile, "Do you wish for me to be angry at you, my dear? Degrade and berate you? Beat you? I fear you will be disappointed."
Eleanor swallowed hard, wiping at her eyes. "You seemed very angry earlier. I have never seen you not able to control your tempter and emotions."
"It was not at you. Never at you. Well, perhaps, not ever never at you...there are times we had our troubles. Forgive me for saying, but you can be a bit unreasonable from time to time."
She laughed at him, "Yes, I know...though you rarely showed me your anger even when it was well deserved. For you to acknowledge that you felt so, I'm worried I did irreparable harm to us."
"Do you wish to do irreparable harm to us?" he asked, quietly.
She shook her head slowly and he squeezed her hand tighter.
"If it eases your soul, if I thought you were perished, I wouldn't have stayed celibate for long. And if it is fair for me to do so, then certainly it is fair for you...and to find joy in that part of your relationship with Jamie...though the thought of it does irk me, for many different, very complicated reasons."
"But I also said vows to him. We are living as husband and wife, not just lovers."
"Because, Eleanor, my darling, you would not have had intercourse with him if you did not say vows to him. Do not fret, my dear, your morals are far more superior to my own."
"Oh, John..." Eleanor let out a long breath, "maybe in that regard, but in so many others, you are far my superior...more steady, slower to anger, patient, loving, kind. Frankly, I'm a disaster and you are the best man on earth."
He raised her hand to kiss it, "You are not a disaster, what ever that may mean. You are the only woman I could ever love."
She laughed then, her bright laughter filling up the room, "Lord John Grey." she admonished.
"There is that laugh I adore so much, the recollection of that sound carried me through very dark places while I was away," John said, rubbing her arm, affectionally.
"Aye, tis healin power in that laughter, lassie," Jamie said, from the doorway. "I dinnae think I would hear that again fer a while. Tis a verra gut sign that ye are able to laugh through your tears, mo ghraidh."
"Jamie," Eleanor bit her lip, her smile fading.
"Ach no," Jamie shook his head at her, "Dinnae stop." She met his eyes and he said, firmly, "Dinnae think I'd ever want ye to be sullen and despair fer my benefit. Yer laughter, tis a joy and a wonder to hear, no matter whom brings it to the surface." Jamie said, easily. He sat down at the table and handed Eleanor the cloth and water. "Here ye are, mo ghraidh."
"Thank you," Eleanor said, gratefully.
"Oh, and," Jamie pulled out of his pocket, "A ribbon for yer hair. Tis a sweltering day even with the rainstorm."
"Oh, bless you," Eleanor said, wiping her eyes and reaching for the ribbon. She quickly tied her hair up and then reached for the water.
"Put the cloth on yer neck," Jamie said, "Under that mane of yers."
She did what he bid.
"Better?" Jamie asked, lightly.
Ellie nodded.
"You seem better," Jamie said, studying her, "more settled."
"I still have no earthly idea of what is going to happen, but the despair has eased, albeit only slightly."
"Weel, I think there are a few things to consider," Jamie said, keeping his voice steady, "And at the moment, I am not sure we should act rashly in deciding now how our future will look. We need time to consider all that has happened."
John nodded, "I quite agree, Jamie. For us to force an agreement about our relationships without time to reflect upon all that has happened and about the future of our family, it does not make sense."
"But we have to tell the children..."
"The children need us to be confident in the decision we make that it is the right one, Eleanor," John said, slowly, "And we cannot give them that right now."
"Aye, John is right. We must be certain."
"Okay," Eleanor swallowed hard, feeling the pressure ease off a bit, "But in regards to the children..."
Jamie shrugged, "We celebrate John's return as the miracle it is and assure them that no matter what the future looks like, we will all be a family together."
"That's not going to be good enough for Mac, Jamie," Eleanor said, softly.
"He will have to accept the answer we give until we can give him more certainty," Jamie said, "He isna the adult here. And I willna have his feelins on the matter sway us to action when we need time. Ye dinnae just share bairns with me, John and ye have the wee laddie together. There isna anythin simple aboot this. And Mac will have to understand when we say we dinnae have answers...yet."
She looked to John. "Mac was upset when Jamie and I..." she swallowed, her voice trailing off. She reached for her water, coughing.
"Aye, he dinnae believe our relationship would last...but the lad thought Claire would return and spoil it again."
John let out a breath, "Oh, dear. He has always been very protective of Eleanor."
Jamie nodded, "Aye, he has." He paused, "Perhaps, I think maybe we should focus at the moment on what we can all agree on. Holding Tryon to accounts is a high priority for me."
John cleared his throat, "For myself as well."
"Wait," Eleanor titled her head, "Why are we even bothering with Tryon?"
Both men were aghast.
"What do ye mean...why?" Jamie snapped as John said, shocked,
"There is such a thing as justice, Eleanor."
"Yes, I know all of that," Eleanor said, her voice low, "I'm just saying...my first priority is our children. And if their father or stepfather get in a situation with Tryon, where it might cost that person their freedom or their life, how is that preferable than just letting it go?"
"I cannot let this stand," John said, slowly and looked to Jamie who frowned deeply at Eleanor.
"Neither can I, lass."
Eleanor shook her head at them, "Well, I disagree. Most whole-heartedly. First of all, he is weeks away in New York. We have five children between us. Which one of you wants to spend weeks apart from our children...you," she turned to John, "who the children thought was dead this entire time, who mourned your loss for over a year... or," she turned to Jamie, "you who has been absent from their lives for months at a time and is now only forming that steady bond with them?"
Jamie's frown deepened and John looked disconcerted.
"Ye have to understand, lass..."
"No, I don't. We have five children who need..."
"Who need to ken that they have a father and a stepfather who will not stand fer their mother to be dishonored in such a way. He wanted you to be shamed."
"Their mother is the one who had the affair with Tryon to begin with. This is the consequences of my behavior...and I will not have it put on either of you."
"But it is not, my darling," John said, quietly. "This was malicious. It was cruel. It was unjust. And it will not stand. I fear you will not convince either myself or Jamie to give Tryon a free pass on this one."
"We have bigger things to worry about," Eleanor insisted.
"If he does not have consequences for this, he will act again," John said, slowly.
"He will most assuredly act again if you start a personal war with him."
John glanced at Jamie, who shook his head, wearily.
"Tryon will be dealt with. There is no other option but to deal with him," John said, his voice becoming firm. "He didn't just wrong you, he wronged me...he wronged Jamie...and perhaps, greatest of all, he wronged our children. However, when it comes down to it, I don't even believe Tryon's decision was to hurt you specifically...I think it was more to hurt me."
"What do you mean by that?" Eleanor asked, frowning.
"I put him in his place rather well in the barn at Jocasta's wedding. A man like him doesn't take kindly to that."
"And then, I did exchange a few wee words with him after the battle with the regulators," Jamie frowned, "I dinnae think he was verra pleased at the time."
She looked between the two of them, "For Christ's sake," she sighed. "Why would the two of you choose to get in a pissing matching with a man like Tryon? And why didn't you tell me you did?"
"Eleanor!" Jamie admonished, "Dinnae speak that way," as John put a hand on her arm, "Language."
"Oh please," Eleanor rolled her eyes, "You two are talking about dueling or God knows what with him. And technically, I'm sitting here kind of married to both of you. I think I can say the word piss without it being such a mortal sin."
"Christ, you are spirited right now," Jamie said, staring at her. "Fiesty wee sprite, are ye no?"
She gave him a small smile and then looked at John, who was staring at her as well...
"Eleanor, um, perhaps..." he paused, "Great God in heaven, I don't even know what to say in response to that."
"Wee besom, that is what she is," Jamie said, helpfully.
"Indeed," John said, slowly, "Forgive me, Jamie, if I ever thought Hope inherited all of your finer qualities, when clearly..."
"She is plenty of her mama too, is she no?" Jamie laughed.
"Hope," John smiled at the thought of his stepdaughter, "I am very eager to see the little dear one."
"I ken ye are. She as dear as she was when ye left...even more so. She occasionally curses now as weel, though I think we have gotten it mostly under control."
"God, Jamie!" Eleanor's eyes were wide, "Why would you say that to John? You are going to get me in so much trouble with him."
John gave her the side eye. "Is that so, Eleanor, my dear?"
"Yes, perhaps, but for the record, because I want to be very clear, it isn't just my cursing she tries to emulate."
"But when it is yers, we all ken because the words arena in existence in our time."
"James Alexander Malcom Mackenzie Fraser, just" Eleanor put her finger to her lips, "Hush. Now. For Christ sake."
John looked amused, "Heavens, what am I to do with the two of you?"
Eleanor shot Jamie a look, "Hope is a delightful child, Jamie."
Jamie snorted, "Aye, I am delighted by her on a daily basis. She is keepin us young."
Eleanor rolled her eyes, "Perhaps, God is teaching you patience through fathering our daughter."
Jamie laughed, "If God wasna teachin me patience with Hope's mother, I doubt He is usin Hope as a lesson fer me." Jamie laughed further, "Dinnae call Tryon to accounts, she says."
"Honestly, I am being the most reasonable out of all of us, and that's saying something," Eleanor retorted. "Cut out the pissing match, gentleman. Tryon is a distraction."
John cleared his throat, "Eleanor." he admonished, but his eyes twinkled.
"Aye, Eleanor, do I need to take ye outside, lassie?" his eyes were on her, amused. "Have a wee bit of a discussion with ye?"
"I'd like to see you try."
John reached over and poked at her, "Behave."
"The lightness of this interplay is the only thing causing me not to fall over and weep on the floor here," Eleanor shot back.
"Now that I believe," Jamie said. "Verra weel, lassie. Some discretion, please. We dinnae want to form a habit that Hope will pick up on."
Eleanor twisted the ends of her hair, "Oh, very well. I am serious about Tryon."
"Well," John let out a breath, "As resolute as you may be to not seek retribution, I am resolved that we must."
"Aye, I am as weel." Jamie nodded, turning serious.
Eleanor swallowed hard, "Then our options?"
"Dueling is common in the colonies." John said. "I will do so. Jamie can second me."
"Or I can and ye second me," Jamie offered.
"There will not be a duel." Eleanor retorted, firmly. "No one is firsting or seconding each other. That is not an option that I will ever let either of you pursue."
"Let us peruse," Jamie raised an eyebrow in her direction.
"I have veto powers about something this important...and I'd say both your life and John's life is quite important, James," Eleanor said, her voice firm.
"Aye, I dinnae disagree with ye but ye ken, Eleanor, it is a verra good chance that we will kill Tryon," Jamie said, calmly. "He isna verra gut at soldiering."
"I don't want him dead!" Eleanor exclaimed.
"Why not?" John asked, turning his head towards her.
Eleanor's mouth dropped open, "Because it's not right!"
"Under no circumstances or just this one?" John asked, curiously.
"None."
Jamie looked aghast, "What if he violated ye? Or hurt ye in some unthinkable way? Surely then..."
"I don't know how I would react," Eleanor said, softly. "I know Bree killed Stephen Bonnet and..." her voice trailed off.
"And I avenged myself with Randall," Jamie said, quietly. "Both in France and finally on the battlefield at Culloden."
John glanced at Jamie, sharply. "Black Jack Randall..."
"Aye."
"He was somewhat before my time, but he was a..."
"He was a child molesting horror and a rapist," Eleanor interrupted John, softly, her hand moving to rest lightly on John's arm, a message of caution sent to him with that one touch.
"Aye, and I do believe ye would have killed him yerself if ye had the chance fer what he did to me, even if ye learned aboot it years after the fact and his death."
She swallowed hard, "Okay, that's fair, but..." Eleanor's hand remained on John's arm, feeling him stiffen in horror of Jamie's revelation. He had suspected something, but to have it confirmed, it was shocking. And then he understood that was no wonder why Jamie was always horrified by his sexual preferences.
She rubbed John's arm slightly. Jamie's eyes picked up on Eleanor's not so subtle interplay with John, but he knew that it was for his benefit as much as it was for John's. And strangely, it didn't bother him that Eleanor was initiating contact with John. It was as natural as if she had done the same to him, and truth be told, Eleanor would have.
Eleanor continued, "but I wasn't raped by Tryon. Or harmed violently. I was mentally harmed, yes, but it would also grieve me to know that either of you murdered someone...Do not make me responsible for that."
"Eleanor," Jamie groaned. "I dinnae understand ye. Speak some sense into the lassie, John."
John cleared his throat, "Perhaps, I think," he reached to cover Eleanor's hand with his own, "This is sensible to her."
"It's absurd."
"Yes, I do agree with you, Jamie, but if she doesn't want to risk a duel or if she doesn't want Tryon's life to be the punishment for the affliction he put on our family, then we will have to figure out another course. I do believe we all have to agree upon it, even if it is unfathomable that she would not see this as reasonable consequence for his behavior." He patted her hand, firmly.
Eleanor let out a long breath, "Thank God."
Jamie shook his head, wearily, "He deserves to be disemboweled."
Eleanor frowned, "That's disgusting, James."
"Sorry, I offend yer delicate sensibilities, mo ghraidh, but it is true. That is what he deserves and no less, in my opinion."
"I don't disagree with you, Jamie, but I still pose the possibility that we use a deft hand with him..." John countered.
"Right?" Eleanor nodded, dropping her hand, "For a man like Tryon, there are things worse than death."
"Such as?" Jamie asked.
"Removing his power from him," Eleanor said, softly. "Politically. We can ruin him...somehow. For Tryon to lose his position in the colony, within the King's government, that would hurt him...alot."
John's head turned towards her in shock, "Eleanor."
"Do you not agree?" Eleanor said, quietly.
"No, I do agree with you," John said. "It's just..." he paused, looking to Jamie, who was staring at Eleanor.
"Aye, we ken ye are shrewd in that canny mind of yers, but tis shockin to hear such guile come from ye. Tis not usually in yer nature, mo ghraidh."
She shrugged, "If I can't convince you to let it go, then this would work for me."
Jamie looked amused, "Would it now, lassie?"
She twisted her hands, "Yes."
"Lord John?" Jamie met John's eyes.
John nodded, slowly. "We can come up with a plan. As you are well aware, my contacts are extensive given my brother's position."
"Good," Eleanor said, "You know what would really hurt him though? If John took his place as governor."
Jamie's mouth dropped open again, "Christ, Eleanor."
"And then he could be forced to call me her excellency," Eleanor grinned. "That would be epic."
John laughed at her, "Eleanor, my darling. You may have not been born in this century, but you certainly have learned quite well."
"Aye, she has" Jamie said, slowly, his eyes studying her.
Suddenly, she paused, her eyes wide with panic, "I didn't mean, James..." she swallowed hard. "Oh Christ."
The weight of the implication of her words hit her full force...her words assumed she would be John's wife, not Jamie's...and in her wit, she didn't realize how it sounded.
"Of course, I dinnae think ye meant anythin by it," Jamie said, quickly. "At least I hoped ye dinnae."
She buried her head in her hands.
"Eleanor, lass," Jamie's voice was sharp, "Dinnae fash. I meant what I said, we need to take our time...fer all of us to be certain."
"I mean, even so, New York is too far," Eleanor said, softly, rubbing her face with her hands. "For John to be away from Hugh or for you to be away from our children. It was a stupid suggestion."
"Nah, ye were right, lassie. It woulda be a fine outcome for Tryon."
Eleanor's head was still buried.
"Eleanor, lass," Jamie grunted, "Stop, flogging yerself. I ken ye dinnae mean to hurt me by it."
"Just let me wallow for a few minutes. Tryon is a bastard," Eleanor said, sniffling.
John looked to Jamie, frowning.
Jamie watched Eleanor and then looked at John and shrugged. He didn't know what to do as much as John didn't.
Finally, Eleanor raised her head. "We need to talk to the children. But I have a suggestion."
She wiped at her eyes.
"What is it?" John asked.
"We start with the boys- Sam and Mac. Bring them to this cabin. Then once we tell them, we send them to Fergus and Marsali while we talk with the girls- Hope and Rosie...and then," Eleanor bit her lip, "I'd like time with John and Hugh."
"I think that is a fine idea," Jamie said, softly, "Ye and John do need time together with yer lad."
She swallowed hard, "As far as sleeping arrangements, I will sleep with Rosie and Hope..."
Jamie paused, "I think you should stay here with John at least few a few days. In Bree and Roger's cabin. I will take care of the wee uns." His back was stiff and his voice held his resolve.
Eleanor frowned, "I..." she looked at Jamie, aghast. "What do you mean, Jamie? Why would you want that?"
Jamie let out a breath, "Allow me to explain where I am comin from, lassie."
"Okay," she said, quietly. "Go on."
"The hardest thing aboot Claire returnin is I felt forced to make a decision, without takin the time just to be with her...not in bed, but just...together, to think about what we had and what we had lost...even if I was still verra much in love with ye. In turn, instead of ye pushin me away, I wished I had equally had that time with ye...to discuss what I felt aboot it all. And how difficult it was fer me as a man and as a husband."
"Jamie..." Eleanor breathed his name.
"Aye?" he said, his voice low.
"I wish to talk to you about that," Eleanor said, quietly, "later?"
"And I'd welcome that discussion with ye, Eleanor," Jamie nodded, "Tomorrow, shall we?"
John cleared his throat, "Perhaps, I can watch the children with William while you and Eleanor talk," he offered, quietly. "You can bring them out here."
"Aye, thank ye, John." He turned to Eleanor again, "Are ye agreeable to it?"
"Yes, of course, but..." she paused, "are you sure I should stay here?"
"Aye, I am. Because I love ye more than I can say, I wish, Eleanor, to give ye that time."
Eleanor bit her lip, "I..."
"I trust ye, Eleanor. As I trust John."
Eleanor's mouth dropped open. "I didn't expect you to say this."
"Ach, I dinnae like the idea of it, lassie, but I ken tis the right thing..." he let out a breath, "Just if ye and him...if ye need to...if ye must...to..." he paused, "dinnae tell me. And I willna ask."
Eleanor's eyes widened, her face suddenly flushing. "Jamie." Her eyes met his. "I..."
"Dinnae say anythin more aboot it," Jamie said.
"Just..." Eleanor held up her hand, "What about the people of the Ridge?"
"Weel, this cabin is away from the Big House enough that I dinnae think ye will have visitors. And as far as they ken, Lord John has perished. We will tell the children no to say anything to the others, only family."
"Okay," Eleanor frowned. "If you think that will work."
"Aye, I do. For now. It will no be a permanent solution. The people of the Ridge will have to be considered and how they will view the situation. But I can give us time," He stood, "Mac and Sam first, aye?"
John nodded as they watched Jamie leave.
Eleanor turned to John, "I..."
"If you would rather stay with the children, you can say," John said, quietly. "to me, not to Jamie. I can come up with an excuse."
"It's not that I don't want to stay with you," Eleanor said, twisting a tendril of hair around her finger. "I feel like I am...I don't know...sinning."
"We are married," John said, quietly, "by the church and the law. I will not hold you to it, but you shouldn't feel shame for it."
"It's not that I feel shame by it, but just this morning, I was living as Jamie's wife...so..." she picked up and twisted the handkerchief, "I mean this happened once before with Will and with Jamie...one morning, I was Will's wife and by the nighttime, I was in Jamie's bed, doing wifely things...or at least, laying there and letting him do husbandly things to me," she flushed, "God, I don't know. It's just..." she paused, "alot, you know?"
He reached out to touch her hand, "We will refrain from all of that, until we know."
She paused, "Do you still want me?"
"Desperately," John said, dryly. "But I do not advocate you jumping between our beds..." he paused, "mainly because I think it would break you. You do have such firm views about sexual morality."
"Views that have been challenged from time to time."
"Yes, while I do not have such qualms, I do not wish to challenge your views now. Unless you decide you wish to...I offered to you on our wedding night, you can take on a lover...you can take Jamie as your lover. It happens often in society."
"Jamie will always be more than a lover to me, John."
"That would be regardless of whether you wish to continue relations with him or not."
Eleanor closed her eyes, "This is a little too much right now. I fear I am not that enlightened, John."
He smiled at her and then reached for her hand, kissing it. "I've missed you, do you know that?"
"Oh John," Eleanor opened her eyes again and smiled at him, "Regardless of everything, I am so desperately glad to be able to hold your hand again. Feel the warmth of your eyes upon me. Listen to your quiet voice soothing my soul and calming my frantic worry. How can I be anything but grateful that you live and breathe?"
John kissed her hand one more time and then released it, "I cannot tell me how much those words mean to me."
"Did you have any doubt?"
"In dark moments, I did, but that fault does not lie in your character, but my own."
Eleanor swallowed hard, "We have alot to talk about."
"The time together will be good because as you said, there is much to discuss...betwitx you and I, privately."
She bit her lip, "Yes." She twisted her hands, her anxiety evident.
"Are you worried about the children?"
"Mac is going to have a conniption," Eleanor said, softly, "But please do not take offense at it. You know he adores you so much."
"As I do him. And Sam. And Rosie. And my little Hope."
"And Hugh. Don't forget about our baby."
"I have thought of him every day since I have left. But I feel like I barely know my son."
Eleanor titled her head from side to side, "Because you don't. But that doesn't mean you won't. He's going to adore you like the rest of us do."
"I do hope so."
"There may be an adjustment," Eleanor said, softly, "But again, it won't be because of you. Just because of the circumstances."
"I understand."
Eleanor bit her lip, worried.
"What will be, will be, Eleanor. We can only hope to do our best by these children. They are not devoid of love."
"No, they are not," Eleanor said, giving him a small smile.
"Bear up, Eleanor."
And she would...but she cringed at the thought of the reaction of her children to this all. She only hoped not too many hearts were broken in the process. She covered her face again, needing a moment. A moment of reflection, of prayer...for strength for what was to come.
A/N: Who do you think she is leaning towards? Which relationship seems more organic at the moment? I have my thoughts, but I'd love yours! And what to do with Tryon? More to come...next chapter, breaking it to the wee uns.