A/N: It's been forever since an update- I'm so sorry! Mama life is really consuming me and I'm exhausted! But here we go...time with the wee Fraser lads and lassies ahead...and it gets interesting! I would love to know what you think about all the reactions. :) Thanks so much for all the reviews and encouragement! I love hearing your thoughts!
Chapter 55:
Eleanor's anxiety was palatable as John sat in silence with her, his hand still in hers. He could feel the clamminess of her hand as he looked over at her, her eyes staring up at the ceiling, trying to maintain her composure.
He raised their joined hands, sliding his hand, so hers was on top, to give it a kiss.
At that motion she looked over at him, meeting his look. She gave him a smile, her look sweet and tender.
"I love you," she whispered to him. "I love you so much." It was said with such an earnestness, that John's heart immediately melted, as the jealousy that he was feeling, slowly ebbed.
"But you feel as if your heart is being ripped from you at the moment," John said, his voice low.
"Oh no," tears sprung to her eyes, "No. No," she shook her head, adamantly, "That's not right. I feel as a part of my heart has been restored to me. A part I never thought would be filled again. You have not ripped my heart out, John, you have healed it." She swallowed hard, "This...anxiety I am feeling at the moment, it is about the children, John...it's not about you and me."
"And perhaps, it's about Jamie..." he looked into her eyes, searching them.
"Yes," she nodded. "And perhaps about Jamie. He and I..." she paused as she heard voices in the yard, "Perhaps, I should..."
He nodded to her and let go of her hand as she stood, slid out of the bench and went to the door.
"Hello, my darlings," Eleanor smiled at her boys, "Will you come sit on the steps with your Da and I?"
Sam stuffed his hands in his pockets, "What's goin on, Mama?"
"Aye, this is verra strange," Mac frowned, his eyes looking discerningly at Eleanor.
"Aye," Jamie guided the lads to the steps, "Sit, lads, we need to have a wee chat."
"What did I do now?" Sam frowned, his voice forlorn, sitting on the steps by Ellie.
Eleanor put her arm around her son, "What makes you think you have done something, love?"
"Weel, I always seem to be doin somethin wrong..." Sam said, scowling.
"Not today, my darling," Eleanor laughed, giving him a kiss. "Life on the Ridge suits your high energy I think."
"Aye, ye have been much less trouble of late, Samuel, my wee laddie," Jamie said, nudging Mac down onto the step and sat at the bottom step, his large forming filling the small step. "Yer mama and I have some news that we dinnae ken...weel, tis verra unexpected indeed...and we thought it best to tell ye out here...and ye lads first since ye are the auldest of our wee uns, ye ken."
"Aye," Mac said, seriously, "What is it, sir?"
Eleanor cleared her throat and her arm still around Samuel, she said, quietly, "There is perhaps no easy way to say this, but a miracle has happened...you see," Eleanor took a breath, "there wasn't a shipwreck like we thought... this entire time, we were mistaken to believe that..." she paused, her voice cracking. "your Papa had perished."
Samuel leapt up. "Papa! He isn't dead?"
"No, love," Eleanor's eyes filled with tears, "He's inside."
Samuel ran through partially closed door, flinging it open and bounding into the cabin, without another word.
She and Jamie both watched through the open door as Samuel, launched himself into John's arms, clinging to his godfather. Eleanor's heart melted. She glanced at Jamie, who nodded at her, his smile soft. John was beloved by Samuel as both a stepfather and godfather. She realized Sam had struggled with John's death the most, along with Hope, but she didn't realize the fullness of how keenly he felt the void, until this moment. Yet, knowing John had Samuel in hand, along with all his inquisitive questions, she forced herself to focus on Mac.
"Mac," Eleanor's voice was soft as she reached out to nudge at his knee, "Talk to us."
"Aye, Mac, we want to ken what ye are thinkin."
"I dinnae ken what to say," Mac said, quietly.
"Aye, yer mama and I were quite shocked as weel."
Eleanor licked her lips, "It's okay if you don't know what to say or how to feel. I have to confess I have felt alot of that since seeing Lord John today."
"Aye. I am glad fer Lord John because I do love him, but..." Mac paused, looking at his father, "Mama is still married to him, Da."
Jamie cleared his throat, "Aye."
"What does that mean?" Mac frowned, "Do we have to move again?"
"No decisions have been made," Jamie said, firmly. "We dinnae ken what we will do."
"How do ye not ken?!" Mac asked, incredulously, "Mama is marrit to him, just like ye were marrit to Claire first, so ye had to go back with her and Mama has to go back with Papa. She is marrit to him."
"Aye," Jamie said, quietly, "But yer mama was always marrit to me first."
"So ye are sayin that..." Mac paused, "Ye are marrit to mama, not Lord John."
"No, technically speaking," Eleanor said, softly, "Your Da and I never married legally, we were handfasted, so our marriage wouldn't supersede my marriage to John, at least in the eyes of the law."
"So, Mama is marrit to Lord John."
"Yes," Eleanor said. "but..." she paused, searching for the right words.
"But we dinnae ken what we will do because as mama is tryin to say, she and I are marrit too."
"But ye are not because ye never marrit her in a church, with a license."
"But even if we had...I am not sure considerin I was marrit to Claire at the time when we first wed...even though she hadn't technically been born yet," Jamie paused, heaving a large sigh, "The truth is we dinnae have the answers ye seek, James. Not at the moment. Ye are goin to have to let the adults figure this out."
"No."
"No?" Jamie frowned at his son.
"I dinnae think ye and Mama do a verra gut job of figurin things out...what if Claire had come back again? It would be the same thing. Mama would be pushed aside fer her because ye never thought she deserved to marry in a church."
"James!" Jamie snapped, "I ken ye are upset and confused, but ye willna be disrespectful."
"Mac, come see Papa!" Sam bounded out onto the porch.
"I ken this wouldna last!" Mac ignored his brother, "I just thought Claire would come back from her own time."
"What are ye talkin aboot?" Sam frowned.
"Through the stones, ye dolt!"
"What do ye mean?" Sam's eyes were wide. "I thought she..." he paused, looking at Jamie and Eleanor, "ye said she was gone. Like Lord John was gone."
"They wanted ye to think that because how can they explain this?!"
"James Mackenzie, ye will stop talkin this instant," Jamie warned, his voice a growl. "NOW!"
"Aye, Claire is still alive, in Boston with Bree and Roger, two hundred years in the future. Mama is from the future too. Our sister and brother live in the 2000s. Mama just said they had died so they wouldna think she was a witch. She is still marrit to some man in the future. She is marrit to three men, ye ken."
"Jamie Mackenzie Fraser!" Jamie's voice was harsh, his eyes livid. "Enough!"
"Tis the truth!" Mac met his Da's look, livid himself.
"Mama?" Sam's frown was deep. "Ye are marrit to three men? At the same time?"
Eleanor was aghast at the turn of direction that Mac had taken this conversation. It flustered her, "No. Yes. I don't know."
John came out to stand at the doorway, his forehead creased in concern. Yet, he remained quiet, taking it in.
"Tis not as unseemly as ye are makin it sound, James. This is yer mama, ye are talkin aboot. Show some respect."
"Mama canna be marrit to three men," Sam's eyes were wide in shock. He turned back to Lord John, who took a step closer to his godson, his arm around his shoulder.
"Tis not what it seems, Samuel," John's voice was reassuring. "It can be explained."
"Mama is from the future. Maybe they do such things in that time."
Jamie reached out to grip Mac's arm tightly, "I would advise to stop and think before ye speak next."
"For God's sake, Mac!" Eleanor squealed, her hands covering her face, trying to gather her composure. "We hadn't told your siblings for a reason. And is that what you think of me? That I'm..." she let out a breath, pausing, not wanting to make it worse.
"Wanton?" Mac supplied.
Jamie's hand cuffed Mac's ear, "That is enough out of you."
Eleanor's eyes were wide, "Do you even know what that means?"
"That ye like men."
"How?" Eleanor pressed.
"In the way you make a baby with them."
"And you know about how a baby is made?"
"Aye, of course. I'm not stupid."
Eleanor turned to Jamie, who shrugged, "He was around when the horses were mating. It led to a discussion."
"And you didn't tell me?"
"Not the time for this discussion," Jamie's voice was sharp as he gave her a pointed look. "This is aboot Mac and how disrespectful he is bein to both of us."
"I think they should all know," Mac said. "I think we should stop all lying to each other! We are supposed to be a family!"
"But we are a family," Eleanor said, softly.
"Not a verra gut un if we lie to each other," Mac pointed out, "Da and ye have always said that ye don't lie to us, but ye do all the time."
"No," Jamie lifted his hand, his voice adamantly, "we have bended the truth to protect yer mother," Jamie said, "And to explain what is unexplainable. I have a duty towards her fer her safety and weel being...and if that means not tellin what canna be understood by most people, then we dinnae. That is not for you to question. Ye are a child."
"I am old enough to ken that it is wrong. Ye lied to them about Claire! And ye lied to us when you said we would be a family again! It's just like before."
John cleared his throat, his arm still around Sam. "Perhaps, we should come inside."
"Aye," Jamie said, "tis a verra gut idea not to have this conversation in the open."
"I am not goin inside," Mac said, adamantly.
"Oh, aye, ye are," Jamie grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and pulled him inside, slamming the door behind him.
"Jamie," Eleanor admonished, her voice soft. "Let's all just...take a breath. This is escalating really quickly."
"I dinnae need a breath," Jamie pulled Mac to the table, "Sit down, James. And get yer temper under control before ye speak again. Do ye hear me?"
Sam stood in the room, his arms crossed, "So Claire is alive? And Mama is a witch? And Claire is a witch?"
Eleanor looked to John, who looked at Jamie.
"Perhaps..." John's voice was soft as he locked eyes with Jamie.
"Aye," Jamie inclined his head to his son, "Let's go up to the loft for a few minutes, mo bloblain. We shall talk aboot it."
"I can come with you," Eleanor said, "if we can all squeeze up there."
"Aye," He shot a disgruntled look at his eldest, "As fer ye, take these few minutes to retrieve yer gut sense. Otherwise, I dinnae think ye will be able to sit comfortably tonight. Ye will be allowed some grace as I ken this has been a shock, as it has been for all, but this behavior is unacceptable and I will not tolerate more lip from ye...especially the way ye are talkin aboot yer mother who has only acted fer the best interest of our family. Do ye understand me?"
Mac grunted, but remained quiet as Jamie and Eleanor disappeared with Sam up the loft.
John went to sit next to Mac, his hands on the table. They sat quietly for a few moments, listening to the quite tones that were floating down from the loft, Jamie's brogue mixing with Eleanor's soft tones.
John drummed his fingers on the table, absently, "I must admit, James, that I have felt similar to you today...I do not know how to precisely explain how I am thinking or feeling, but I suppose tis like a great wave has washed over me and I cannot get my bearings against in the sinking sand..."
Mac studied his fingers, but John could tell he was listening.
"It has been difficult at times, today and I must confess to you, I have bristled quite often at both your mother and father today."
Mac turned his head finally, "Really? You did?"
"Oh, yes, indeed. Several times, in fact," John said, seriously. "I found myself quite angry at the situation that we have all found ourselves in...and that led me to say things at times that I probably shouldn't have after further reflection."
"I never have heard you speak harshly to any one," Mac said, his voice shocked.
"It happens to the best of us at times," John said, his voice low, "But I know I am not the only one that is suffering...your mother...and your Da. They all feel the responsibility of making sure we make the right decision for you and your brothers and sisters so keenly. And that burden, it has caused your mama such agony today...I cannot tell you how many tears she has shed, knowing how this would affect all of you. And I felt like because she was so upset and in such distress over my return, that...well, that maybe I should have just stayed in England..."
"Did you think that, sir?" Mac frowned, deeply.
"Yes, because I cannot bear to see your mama in pain...nor your father...nor any one of you children, but then, I came back to what you said earlier...that the truth, it is important. And unfortunately, there are occasions when we cannot be entirely truthful...like about Claire...and about your mother and where she is from...because the consequences of that truth, it would be devastating for us all. The truth is inconceivable and your mama must be protected at all costs...Did you know when your mother first told me the truth about herself...did you know what she said to me?"
"What?" Mac looked curiously at him.
"She begged me not tell any one because she was afraid of being burned at the stake."
He paused, "They wouldna do that, would they?"
"Claire was sentenced to death in Scotland but your Da saved her life," John said, "I don't believe they burn witches in the colonies anymore, but justice in the backwoods...tis a different matter than in the city. In society, well, your mother would be shunned...called not of the right mind, when we both know that your mama is one of the most keenly intelligent woman...no, person... of my acquaintance. Her intellect can put most men to shame, myself and your father included in fact."
"I wasn't thinking," Mac said, his face in his hands.
John put his hand on Mac's arm, gently, "We know that."
"I was just verra angry."
"A completely reasonable reaction to these circumstances, I think." John's hand grew heavier on Mac's arm, "The reason I came home though...even though I suspected that it would cause such heartbreak, is that I fervently believe, like you, when we can tell the truth, we should. And I couldn't let your mother continue to grieve when I was alive. And I couldn't let you and your brothers and sisters believe I was dead when I was not, though I am sorry, James, that this is causing you such pain."
Mac's eyes filled with tears, "Tis not because I dinnae love ye, Papa. I do."
"Oh, my dear boy, I do know," John put his arms around Mac, drawing him in. "I know. You were finally trusting that your life had settled. And now it is upended again. But I will do my best with your mother and father to choose the right path for us as a family. Because we are all a family together. I hope you know that I love you, just as I love my own son."
"Sometimes I am just so angry at Da," Mac said, quietly, "I try not to be...but he started all of this when he left Mama."
"Now, you know, it was much more complicated, then your father just choosing to leave your mama," John said, quietly, "But I understand why you feel what you do at times. I am just surprised after so much time that you do."
"Seeing Mama and Da together...it just made me remember, before...and everything that happened since...do ye ken?"
"I do. That seems perfectly reasonable that it would."
Mac sighed, "I do not want to move again, but I am glad you are here, Papa. Mama and Da both need ye."
John gave a small smile, "To do what, precisely?"
"Make good decisions," Mac gave him an exasperated look.
John laughed, "James Mackenize, your mama and Da are perfectly capable of doing so without my guidance."
"Da was trying to teach Mama to shoot."
"You don't say," John mused, a small smile at the thought. "Was he successful?"
"I dinnae think so...yet. But ye ken how stubborn they both are. He'll keep tryin even if mama shoots a hole in her foot. And she would do so just to make Da pleased."
"I doubt your father would ever let your mother do something like that. He does love her, Mac. What has happened in the past, does not mean your Da does not love your mama. Even when I married your mother, I knew that both your Da and Mama still loved each other...and that would never change. But I also knew that I wanted to be a family with your mama, that she and you and Sam and Rosie and Hope, all deserved to have a mama that felt like she belonged somewhere. Eleanor is an exceptional woman, James Mackenzie. I hope you know how fortunate you are to have her."
"Did you love Mama when ye marrit her?"
"I loved her as a friend," John said, seriously.
"Did Da?"
"The second time, he did. He married her the first time, out of honor. She was lost and alone in a new time and place and your father had compassion on her...and what they forged together was truly remarkable. And I witnessed the tender care and love yer Da has fer yer mama...time and time again, in person and through correspondence."
Mac drummed his fingers on the table, "But you love Mama now?"
"Of course, I do, James. Love grows. It has to be fostered and cared for to do so, though. And your Mama is just so easy to love."
"She was so sad when we thought ye had died. Da had to spend months tryin to help her...they fought all the time and then all the sudden, things changed."
He nodded, "The truth is...if we could give you an answer today about how this will all work out, we would. But we cannot. And I love your mama and respect your father too much to demand a resolution today. Because as you said...your Da and your mama, they love each other. And your mama and I do. But it isn't as distasteful as you made it sound to Samuel. And truth be told, I think it hurt your mama's feelings for you to say it was."
"I should apologize to her."
"As you say," John nodded.
"I do not wish to apologize to Da...yet."
"Very well," John said, softly. "I believe you should...but that is between Jamie and yourself." He paused, "In my trunk, I brought back some correspondence betwixt your parents and myself after your birth. Perhaps, you should read it, to provide some clarity on your preconceived notions of how your father felt about your family. The truth is that you are getting older, James, and questions are natural and we wish to be open with your questions...but this resentment towards your Da, it isn't right. I would like you to think upon the matter. Resentment festers and can be allowed to grow...and it will destroy your soul...and that is too much for you, as a growing boy. It is our duty to you to guide you upon the right path. And this is not it."
Mac nodded. "I can try harder."
"I'm not implying you are not trying," John said, his voice low, "I wish for you to seek understanding. You are young, but you are old enough to act with honor...and you are not."
Mac nodded. "Thank you, Papa."
"You are most welcome. I am so very glad you see you, Mac."
Eleanor managed to climb down the ladder, even in her laborious skirts. John upon seeing her struggle, grinned and then stood, assisting her down.
"I'd give anything to wear pants again. Bree did," she said as John balanced her and then leaned down to untangle her skirts from her feet.
Sam followed Jamie down, who said, "Yes, but Bree is Bree. She likes all the boy stuff we do. Ye are a lady, Mama."
"And a verra fine one at that," Jamie said. He glanced at John, "Is everything weel here?"
"Indeed," John nodded.
Mac rose and gave Eleanor a hug, "I am sorry fer my unthoughtful words. I am upset, but not at ye or Lord John."
John cleared his throat, pointedly.
"Weel, I am a wee bit upset at Da, but not aboot this."
Jamie nodded his acceptance, "Aye, ye and I need to talk more aboot that, Mac. I dinnae wish ye to have such feelins towards me...and I have allowed it to fester long enough."
Sam went over to hug John's waist, "Thank ye fer marryin mama even though she was from the future. It sounds daft, no?"
John laughed, "Indeed. But you do not have to thank me for marrying your mother. Tis not a trial to be married to your mother."
"At least not often," Ellie said, wryly.
John gave her a smile as he hugged Sam to his side. "I am glad to be home, even if we are not certain what home looks like at the moment."
"What will we do, sir?" Mac shifted on his feet, looking to his godfather for guidance.
Jamie glanced at Eleanor who let out a small breath. It many ways Mac trusted John's guidance and wisdom and frankly, word, more than his own father. And she knew that knowledge of that plagued Jamie, whose honor as a man and father...and husband...was just as important to him as it was to John.
"We will talk to your sisters next," John said, smiling.
"Hope is goin to be so excited. She never thought ye were dead!" Sam said, honestly. "I told her that she was addled in her head."
"Well, that is not verra kind of ye," Jamie frowned, "When did ye tell her that?"
"All the time when ye and Mama and Aunt Jenny werena listenin."
"Oh dear," Eleanor sighed. "Samuel. Were we not just praising you earlier? I swear..."
"Dinnae swear, lassie," Jamie admonished, poking at her arm. "We shall discuss that with ye later, laddie."
"Add it to the list," Eleanor swatted at her head.
Jamie reached out to touch Ellie's arm. "Tis weel, lassie. We ken when we had all these wee uns that twould be an adventure with them, aye?"
"Isn't that the truth?" Eleanor smiled at Jamie.
"Lord John?" Mac asked, "I still wish to ken what will happen next."
John cleared his throat, "Mac and Sam, you will go both back to the Ridge with your Da and Ian and Aunt Jenny. William is here as well. Mama and I need some time together, to reacquaint ourselves and decide with your father what our next steps will be. But tis adult matters to discuss. Even so, every decision we make together, we do so to the benefit of you two and your brother and sisters. I wish for you to know that and take heed to that fact. Yes?"
They both nodded, "Yes, sir."
"Aye, let's go, laddies," Jamie said, "I'll take ye to Fergus and Marsali's to see William and then go back fer yer sisters."
"We can go on our own, Da," Mac said.
"Aye, verra weel," Jamie nodded, "Straight there, aye? And not a word of this to anyone that is not Fergus or Marsali or Ian or Aunt Jenny, do ye hear?"
They nodded and with another hug to John, headed out, down the way to Marsali and Fergus's.
Eleanor forced a smile, "Wow. Just wow. I cannot believe Mac went there."
"Aye," Jamie frowned, "I have tried to so hard to build the respect and trust these past few months, and..." he cringed, unable to continue.
"It's natural it would get shattered with this," John counseled quietly, "He does love you, Jamie. He was old enough for Claire's return to affect him. And then he was taken from his home for a year. Any new developments, especially earth shattering ones like these are bound to bring back old feelings..."
"And he is so young, he doesn't know how to process them," Eleanor said. "He needs therapy. He would have been in therapy for years following all that has happened."
"Aye, Claire told me aboot that," Jamie said.
"He makes me feel like the worst mom at times," she sighed. "Married to three men at the same time."
"I know that stung, my darling," John said, softly. "None of this has been your choice and that is difficult for you. You cannot take so much to heart. He is just a boy, he will follow his impulses at his age and not censure his words as he should."
She nodded. "I do want him to say what he is feeling to us, for us to be a safe place for him to express his thoughts...it's just...ahh," she groaned, "that was tough to hear his perspective. Mac has always been the one I could count on to be steady, the ideal firstborn...and to see him struggling so...ahh," she let out a long breath.
"I know," John's eyes were kind, "I am sorry, Eleanor."
"The girls should be easier...at least, I hope." Eleanor raised her eyebrows in Jamie's direction.
"Aye. I will go get the wee lassies," Jamie said, inclining his head, "Do ye have a moment for me, Eleanor?"
She looked to John who nodded his encouragement. "Of course," she said.
She quietly accompanied Jamie outside, closing the door behind her. She walked down the steps with him and across the way before Jamie abruptly stopped turning to her.
His arm bolted out to capture and grip her hand. There was a desperation in that motion, that Eleanor rarely saw from Jamie.
"Jamie?" Eleanor's voice cracked, looking at him, "Are you okay?"
He squeezed her hand tighter, "Mo ghraidh," his voice was hoarse. "I'm sorry fer it, but I need ye close to me. Please."
"Of course," Eleanor immediately scooted closer to him, "Hold me then."
Jamie's arms went around her, pulling her into him. He shuddered against her.
"Oh Jamie, it's okay."
"No, lass, it isna. Mac has always been our special gift between ye and I, the start of it all...and to see what I have done to him..."
"You are an amazing father, James Fraser. Do not doubt that for a moment. I beg you."
"Tis the worst feelin in the world to ken that ye have failed yer children as a father."
"But you haven't!" Eleanor exclaimed. "Sure there will be times we do, but this is not one of them. Mac has to work though the past and he will...with our help."
"And Lord John's."
"Does that bother you?" Eleanor asked, softly, lying her head against his chest, allowing his embrace to comfort me as much as hers comforted him, "It would bother me if it was Claire so I can understand if it does."
"Would it?"
"Of course. I was always jealous of how easy and natural mothering seemed for her...when for me, it has been chaotic and a struggle. So, I would completely understand if a part of your heart, deep down was bothered by how Mac responded to John and looked to John and not to you."
"Aye, a bit."
"But perhaps, you should think of it this way," Eleanor's voice was quiet, her tone even, "John has had plenty of years to figure out the best and most precise way to speak to my heart as well as yours...whether in friendship or in love...I know John's council is something you treasure as do I."
"Aye, I do that."
"And Mac is such a wonderful combination of both of us...so of course, John would know exactly what to say to our son to soothe his soul because he does that for both of us."
"Aye, he does. I dinnae think of it that way. I supposin I might be too close to the situation for clarity."
Eleanor hugged him tightly, "This is hard, James. But as John always says, tis not devoid of hope."
He pulled away from her, looking into her eyes. "Aye." His hand reached to cup her face, "Eleanor, mo ghraidh." Hs voice filled with emotion, that he couldn't express.
"I know," Eleanor's voice broke in response to Jamie's evident emotion.
"I should go get the wee lassies," Jamie's hand still cradled her face, his eyes fixed on hers, their souls meeting in that moment. He reached up to wipe the tears that had started to flood her vision and creep down her cheeks.
"I don't want to lose the family we have made," Eleanor whispered. "I don't want that beauty shattered again...even if..." she paused, "I can't be at odds with you again, Jamie. I won't survive, pushing against you for the rest of our lives instead of towards you. It will destroy us if we become that way with each other again. We will lose our family that we worked so hard to form."
"We willna lose our family," Jamie retorted, his forehead sinking to rest against hers, "I promise ye. We will hold fast to our blessins lassie, fer we have them aplenty."
"Will we truly be able to figure this all out?"
"Aye, we have no choice but to do so. Dinna fash, alainn ros. I am confident that we will weather this together...fer I love ye greatly. And I always will."
"I love you too, Jamie."
"Are you well?" John's look was tender as Eleanor entered the door, wiping the tears off her face.
"As well as can be expected," Eleanor said, sniffling, "I'm sorry. I tried to compose myself, but..."
"How is Jamie?" John guided her to the table to sit.
"Jamie wanted to be a father so badly, the father he couldn't be to Brianna and to William and Mac's birth...it was poignant...Mac was like this amazing gift to us, a second chance that we had both craved and I guess it feels like we botched it up so badly...Jamie puts it on his shoulders, the scars Mac bears, but it really isn't on him per say..."
"He is thrashing himself over it, is he not?" John said, quietly.
"Very much so. Jamie is always so strong and those moments when he is vulnerable..." she paused.
"It cuts to the core," John said, his voice low, "I feel it too...the depth of his pain and my overwhelming desire to ease it, especially since it is so rarely seen and shared."
"Precisely," Eleanor sighed. "You know Jamie's father died after seeing Jamie's punishment at Fort William...the one that gave them those bloody scars."
"I did not...but as a father to see such pain inflicted upon your child...I cannot imagine the agony," John shuddered.
"And while Mac's pain isn't physical, it's still was inflicted upon him...Jamie doesn't speak of his past often, but the wounds...he bandages them up the best he can, moves on in that easy way he does, but..."
"They are still there..." John's hand covered Eleanor's. "The wounds are different, but he doesn't wish such infliction on his own son."
She nodded. "Sam and Rosie, they were so little that it didn't affect them like Mac, the chaos of Claire coming back and being kidnapped and then being dragged to and fro."
"Not to mention death of his godfather, war with the regulators, your near death experience, Hope's near drowning,..." John added. "Roger and Brianna and Claire leaving...my supposed death and return..."
"Yes," Eleanor leaned her head against John's arm which was resting against the table, "No wonder he feels what he does. I'm exhausted just thinking of all that has happened."
John lifted his other hand to rest on the top of Eleanor's head, "I will keep saying this until you believe it Eleanor...we will get through this together. You, Jamie and myself...for the sake of our children." He rubbed her head, gently, his touch comforting.
"I do believe you, though rationally, I don't see the road ahead."
"Then, it is our duty to envision a new road for our future," John said, quietly. "Will you try to do so for me?"
She let out another breath and closed her eyes, "I'll try."
Eleanor pulled Hope onto her lap and Jamie did the same thing for Rose.
"I have such happy and exciting news," Eleanor said, her voice light.
"Oh, I love happy and exciting news!" Hope clapped her hands, excitingly.
"Me too!" Rosie said, resting against Jamie. Her favorite place to be was in her Da's lap.
"What is it, mama?" Hope asked, "I wanna know!"
"Well, there was a terrible mistake that happened," Eleanor said, snuggling Hope closer to her, her left arm around her waist and then reaching for Rosie's hand with her free hand. "We received that letter about the shipwreck, but there wasn't a shipwreck. Whoever sent it was so completely mistaken..." she paused.
"They were?" Rosie's voice was shocked.
"Aye," Jamie said as Eleanor added,
"Papa has been in England this whole entire time and we had no idea!"
Hope's eyes were wide, "Is Papa in England?" her mouth agape, looking at her sister, her hair bow lopsided.
"Not quite, my darling." John stood in the doorway.
At the sound of John's voice, Hope squealed and turned her head.
Her eyes grew wide as she put her hand on her mouth. "Oh, Papa!" she cried. "Oh, Papa!"
"Your Papa is here," Eleanor whispered. "Is that marvelous?"
"Is he real?" Rosie whispered, her eyes equally wide, mirroring her sister's.
"Aye!" Hope bounced up off Eleanor's lap and launched herself at John, who bent down and picked her up.
"Darling child," John whispered, "How I missed you, my little one!"
"I missed ye. Ever so much!" Hope clung to him as she sobbed, dramatically. "Oh, Papa. I knew! I knew it! Sam called me stupid so many times and I was knew all along!"
John nudged her, so he could see her face, "What do you mean, my darling?"
"I saw you in London...in my dreams. They dinnae believe me when I said ye were alive."
Eleanor startled, "Hope!"
"Did ye truly have those dreams?" Jamie asked, aghast.
"Aye," Hope stuck her thumb in her mouth, which John gently tugged out.
"You are far too old for that, my darling. Nobody is upset with you."
Rosie had timidly climbed out of Jamie's lap and up the two steps to stand closer to John.
"Lord John?" she whispered. "We thought ye were dead."
"I know, sweet Rose," John stooped down, shifting Hope so she was still being held and beckoned to Rose. "This must be shocking for you. It's well, sweetheart. You can come closer, if you'd like."
Rosie scooted closer, her look shy and reserved. "I missed ye too. I didn't cry as much as Sam or Hope, but I liked being at the Ridge with Da. But I didn't truly want you dead."
"Oh, my darling girl, I would never think that of you. You have such a kind, tender way about you."
"I'm glad you are not dead, Papa," she said, tucking her head down.
John reached out a hand to gently rub her head, "I must say I am as well," he said, seriously, "My lady Rose, you are looking more and more like your mama."
"I look like Da. They all say it."
"Maybe your hair is your Da's...but the rest of you, you are your mama, through and through," John said, quietly, opening his other arm for Rosie to embrace him. "There we are."
"I'm so glad you are here, Papa," Rosie said, leaning against him.
"Aye, I didn't want you to die," Hope cried against him. "It was awful, Papa! Awful. And Mama kept sleeping in my bed...which was kind of nice, but then she started sleeping in Da's bed and they kicked me out, but let Hugh stay. How is that fair?"
Jamie cleared his throat, "Hope Emmeline, that is enough."
"See?" Hope asked.
Jamie gave her a pointed look and Hope scowled.
"Why don't we come inside for a few minutes?" John said, "And we can answer any questions you may have. Would you like that?"
"Can I sit on your lap?" Hope asked. "Rosie always hogs Da's lap."
"Now, that isna entirely true," Jamie frowned. "There is always plenty room fer ye, lassie."
"Yes, your father has quite an expansive lap," Eleanor added, Jamie helping him up. Jamie gave Eleanor the side eye and Eleanor had to bite her lip to suppress her smirk.
"Of course, you may," John said, "Take my hand."
"Are you ready for the inquisition?" Eleanor asked Jamie as he guided her into the room, following John and the girls.
"Aye, and I blame their inquisitive nature on the canny mind their mother gave them."
"Goodness, it would never do to have daughters who couldn't think for themselves, would it?"
"Ah, no, indeed," Jamie smiled at her as they sat at the table. Rosie had waited for Jamie to sit before climbing on his lap, Jamie planting a gentle kiss on the top of her curls.
"Verra weel, my wee lassies, ask what ye'd like," Jamie said.
"Did you get my doll in London?" Hope asked John.
Eleanor burst out laughing, covering her mouth to try to hide it. She leaned over to Jamie, "It is good that they know what they want."
He chuckled, "Aye." Then he looked over to Hope, "Hope, we dinnae ask fer presents, aye?"
"Why not?" Hope frowned, "It's Papa."
"Weel," Jamie shifted, "It isna polite."
"But why? Of course, I can ask Papa. It's Papa."
John leaned to give Hope a kiss, "Of course, you may ask me anything you wish. But you should never demand gifts from someone. That is not polite."
"But didn't you get me a doll?"
"Of course, I got you a doll. And Rose, too."
"May I see her?" Hope said.
"Well, I am not certain," John said, seriously, "It would depend on how well behaved you have been in my absence."
Hope's face scrunched into a pout, "I tried, Papa. I didn't mean to say bad words or want to crawl in bed with Mama and Da, but I just missed ye so much and ye never cared if I was in bed with ye and Mama. Da can be verra mean at times."
"Oh, dear, here we go," Eleanor rolled her eyes. "Good Lord, the drama that exudes out of your child, James Fraser."
"Aye, and if ye'd let me handle things the way I ken is best, then it would thwart some of these tendencies..."
"I don't want you to break her spirit, especially as a girl, we have to be mindful of that."
"I dinnae think my wee sister's spirit was ever broken and she was thrashed more times than I can count," Jamie said, wryly. "She dinnae pout and get out of it like Hope is apt to do when ye intervene on her behalf."
John cleared his throat, pointedly, "Clearly, there is much we have to discuss about each of these precious little ones," he said, his voice low and even. "Perhaps, at a different time?"
"Aye," Jamie grunted, as he slid Rosie off his lap and gave another look at Ellie, who made a face at him.
"That is where she gets it from!" Jamie grunted in her ear as he went past her. He knelt beside John and Hope, taking Hope's hand.
"Hope, leannan, ye ken that we just want what tis best fer ye. Some times that will mean ye dinnae like us verra much. I am weel with ye no likin me if that means that ye grow up to be a fine woman one day...just like yer mama and Aunt Jenny. But we must work on not bein so disrespectful and tryin to play mama and Lord John to yer side. Tis called manipulation and it isna right, ye ken. I love ye too much to allow ye to do so...at least too often."
Hope frowned, "But..I do try to be good."
"Aye," Jamie kissed her curls as he stood, "I will acknowledge most days ye do try. But perhaps, we shall revisit the doll discussion at a later time," he went back down and picked Rosie back up and into his lap.
"Da is right," Eleanor said, looking at her hands, "Do you ladies have any other question that maybe has to do with Lord John...?"
Rosie raised her hand, "I do, Mama."
"Thank you for raising your hand, love," Eleanor said, smiling at her eldest daughter, "What is your question?"
"Do we have to move away from Da, again?" Rose asked, "I hate being a part from him."
Eleanor's heart melted as Jamie snuggled Rose closer to his heart,
"While I never want to be a part from ye, alainn ros, I dinnae ken what will happen with that. All I ken is that I will always be yer Da, whether ye live here in North Carolina or in Virginia."
Hope's hand shot up as she wiggled on John's lap, "Me next! Me next!"
Eleanor looked amused, "Yes, my dear?"
"Will ye sleep in Papa's bed or Da's tonight?"
Eleanor cringed, but John reached out to put a soothing hand on Eleanor's arm, intervening,
"Mama is going to stay here with me tonight in Bree and Roger's cabin. We have alot to talk about. You will stay at the Big House with your Da. However, it may not always be that way. Where Mama sleeps is really not a concern because Hope is a big girl that can sleep in her own bed," John said, firmly.
"But sometimes I have bad dreams," Hope explained, seriously, "So I need to ken. Do ye think mama wants to sleep with ye or with Da? Because Da is so big, there isna much room in the bed and Da does snore a bit, but..."
Jamie coughed loudly, interrupting as Eleanor buried her head in her arm,
"Weel, lassie, I do think Papa is right...where Mama sleeps isna a concern when ye have plenty adults that are willin to soothe ye fears at night." Jamie's tone would have essentially ended the conversation for any other child, but Hope...is Hope and she continued,
"I dinnae want any body, I want my mama," She pouted, "Are we goin back to Virginia?"
Eleanor lifted her head, "As Da and Papa, both said, we simply do not know. And if you are hoping for that doll that Lord John got you, please stop pouting and asking inappropriate questions."
"I dinnae think tis in-app-rate," Hope said, "ye are marrit to them, so ye can choose, right?"
Eleanor let out a long breath and John shifted Hope so she could see his face,
"Hope, my darling, we need a little bit more time to answer those questions. And it's very serious, adult matters. What we need you to remember, is no matter what, you are very loved, by all of us...no matter what." John said, "no matter where we live- Virginia or North Carolina."
"If Mama stays in North Carolina," Rosie piped up, "You wouldn't take our baby from us, would you?"
"Take our baby?" Eleanor titled her head. "What do you mean, sweetheart?"
"Hugh," Rosie said, shyly, "Papa is Hugh's father and we can all live with Da, but Papa might want Hugh...I wouldna want to have my brother far from me...he so little, he's our baby."
Eleanor startled as if smacked and glanced at Jamie, who gazed at her evenly. She couldn't imagine John would ever take Hugh from her, yet, she knew that Hugh would be need to be raised in a certain way, being a Grey and all. He was the nephew of a Duke and the child of a man as well respected in society as Lord John Grey...and society was used to having others raise their children...or sending them away...but this was her babe.
John's hand shifted to reach under the table and rest on Eleanor's leg, aware of her anxiety at the thought as the thoughts that were racing through her head of how they could ever make this work. But instead of becoming offended, he longed to soothe her.
"That is a very good question," John interjected, seriously, "Hugh is my son, but I feel as if you all are part of me as well. I do not see you any differently than I see Hugh. We will act in the way that is best for all of you, that is what I can promise you, Rose."
"Okay," she said, biting her lip, very much like Eleanor.
"Just like your father does for Hugh," John added, "I'm sure."
"Aye, I do love that wee un," Jamie said, quietly.
"And I am glad for it," John said, smoothly.
They finished up chatting with the wee lasses, before Jamie left with them, after another round of hugs and clinging from both girls.
When they left, Eleanor sat down again and sighed, "What an emotionally exhausting afternoon!" she said, softly.
"You are handling everything very well, my dear," John said, sitting back down beside her and reaching out to put his hand on her arm.
"I want to weep, John. My heart is so tangled and sore right now."
"Tonight," John said, quietly. "After we see Hugh. Just be strong for a little bit longer."
She leaned her head against his arm, closing her eyes, trying to gather strength. "I love our children...but they aren't the easiest, are they?"
"We wouldn't love them any more if they were compliant, uncurious, boring little ones," John said, quietly, "They are exceptional, just like their mother and father. Don't long for mediocrity because it is easier."
She leaned up and then reached for his hand, squeezing it, "I feel like I am drowning again."
"I know," John said, kissing her hand, "Let's see our son together and then spend some time together and see if we can overcome your trepidation together."
She gave him a smile, "Why are you so generous with me?"
"Because as you said many times before, you and I...we are soulmates. Kindred spirits...the connection between us, Eleanor, that will not change, no matter what may come."
"I can't wait for you to see Hugh again," Eleanor said, softly. "The anticipation, is eating at me."
"Me as well," John smiled at her, "Though I would remiss if I did not mention how grown all our little ones look...and that seeing them again, that was equal to me seeing the child borne of my blood."
"You are such a good man," Eleanor commented, leaning against him again. "We do have much to discuss."
"We do," John said, evenly, "But as I promised you after what happened with Tryon, it may be difficult, it may be agonizing, but we will come through it...perhaps stronger in the end," he reached up to stroke the top of her head, "whatever stronger may look for our future."
"Stay tuned," Eleanor said, wryly.
"What does that mean?" John asked, curiously and Eleanor raised her head,
"To be continued, perhaps..."
"Ah, yes. To be continued..."
To be continued...
A/N: those Fraser wee uns! What do you think?