A/N: First off, I'm sooo very sorry about the delay for this chapter. Real life= chaotic, exhausting and stressful. Between work and my kids at home having issues, I've had little time to write...and honestly, when life is chaotic and stressful, sometimes it is hard to dig into the characters and find their voices again. But I hope I did...because I've missed writing them. And Outlander being back helped some though I didn't watch first episode yet, I'm trying to gear myself up for the drama.
Please let me know what you think of this chapter- I would love to hear thoughts. In the meantime, happy non-droughtlander days.
Chapter 57
While John was outside, Eleanor sat on the bed and looked through the things Jamie had packed for her.
Her nightgown, brush, a hair ribbon, the book she was reading.
And a note.
Eleanor's hands trembled as she unfolded the parchment.
No regrets. J.F.
It echoed his words from before. And she knew it was true. Despite the heartache they were feeling now, the healing that came from their reconciliation to them individually and to their family...how could they ever regret that?
She folded back up the parchment and stuffed it into her bag as John came in.
"Did you find it?" Eleanor asked, forcing a smile at him.
"I did indeed," John said, handing her the book. Their hands brushed as she took it, a jolt of energy between them.
Eleanor flipped through the pages, "Oh, this looks excellent."
"I did think you would appreciate it," John said, sitting next to her on the edge of the bed.
"Thank you, John," she said, softly, closing the book and holding it on her lap. "You are always so thoughtful."
John looked down where Eleanor's brush, nightclothes, book and ribbon was sitting between them, "As is Jamie."
"Indeed," she nodded, her eyes meeting his, "You must be so weary."
He nodded, "I will not deny it. We traveled hard. But I felt the need so close to you...the urgency consumed me, the closer I came to you...I fear William bore the brunt of that."
"Sweet William," Eleanor mused, "how he has grown. He is no longer a boy, but becoming more and more a man every day."
"Indeed," John nodded, "but William was not the only one who have grown whilst I was away."
"Yes, indeed," Eleanor responded, but then they both fell into uneasy silence...the implications and tension between them once again.
Finally, John sighed, causing Eleanor to glance over at him. She studied him...the weariness evident in his demeanor.
Her heart twisted, sensing his hurt, but unable to ease it.
"John?" Eleanor said under her breath.
"Yes, Ellie?"
"May I get you anything?" Eleanor said, her voice low, "water for a bath? Or would you like me to make tea?"
He gave her a small smile, "And if I take you up on the offer for a bath, where would you be?"
Eleanor paused, allowing the implications to hang between them for a moment, as the memories of her and John flooded her brain, causing a heady blush upon her features. "I..."
"I did not wish to fluster you," John retorted, his voice low.
She paused, "I think you did."
He stilled, taken aback by her candidness, before retorting, his voice even, "I will give you the space you wish, Eleanor, but we cannot erase the history betwixt us. Nor do I wish to."
"Nor do I wish to either," Eleanor said, "you are still my husband, it's just...until we get it all sorted, I just think it is prudent...to..." her voice trailed off.
He nodded.
"and yet," Eleanor paused, her voice a whisper, "to be honest with you, the memories of you and me, they are always with me...so when you said that to me...I..." her voice caught, "well, I..."
"Recalled some moments betwixt us?" John cleared his throat, "Moments intimate in nature?"
She nodded and then stood, "You should take a bath. I can help heat the water and gather supplies from the Big House for you."
"I have soap. I just need a cloth. And perhaps a mirror for a shave."
She nodded, "Of course. I can retrieve one for you. I know Bree and Roger have a tub that is in the loft. If you want to retrieve that."
"Of course. I wouldn't want you to stumble on the ladder."
She gave him a smile, "You know me well."
"Indeed, I do."
She stood, "I will be back."
"I will work on retrieving the tub and heating water. A bath does sound quite agreeable."
"Very good," Eleanor nodded, "I will mention to Jamie that William needs one as well. And I will check on him to make sure he is comfortable."
"I would appreciate that."
"And I will wait out on the porch for you to finish. We still have some time before the sun sets- the days are so long in the summer. I can read...if that's oka...agreeable to you."
"It is indeed."
"Very good," she smiled at him and John reached out to squeeze her hand, the sweet gesture, bolstering her spirit, before she took her leave.
She could hear the screaming from well up the path to the Big House. Eleanor cringed as she approached and pushed opened the door.
The kids were running around, Sam chasing Hope, pulling her by her curls, Hope responding with a screech, like only she could give.
Eleanor grabbed Sam by the arm, and carefully pried his fingers from Hope's hair. "Enough. Where is your father?"
"Hugh is hollering again," Sam explained, "And Hope took my toy train...the one Lord John gave me."
Eleanor put her hand on her hip, staring at her daughter, "Give it back now."
"But I wanna it."
"Lord John gave you the doll, which you love."
"But I wanna a train too," Hope cried.
"Now, Hope," Eleanor said, sternly. "You know better."
Hope plopped it down in Sam's waiting hand.
"But you," Eleanor bent down and raised his chin with his finger, "We don't chase your sister and pull her hair. No matter what. Got it?"
"But, Mama," Sam protested and Eleanor wiggled her finger underneath his chin,
"I would be happy to ask your father what he thinks of it, if you'd like," Eleanor said, her eyes on her son.
"Nah, that's okay," Sam said, quickly.
Eleanor straightened, "You two are supposed to be settling down. Where is Rosie?"
"She is right here," Jenny said, her hand in her niece's, "We had a bit of spill and she was upset."
"I see," Eleanor said, as Ian and William came inside from outdoors. "We were just feeding the stock for Uncle Jamie. What canna we do, Auntie?"
Eleanor reached for Hope who was pouting, "You...go with Ian. You can tell him all about your problems."
Ian gave Eleanor a smirk, that suggested she owed him, "Come, Hope. I will read ye a story before bed."
"I dinnae want to go to sleep!" Hope declared, loudly.
Ian took her hand, "Weel, ye ken the horsies are aboot ready to go to sleep too. Do ye want to see before we read yer story?"
Hope nodded, "Aye."
"Verra gut," Ian smiled and then turned back to Eleanor, "Mac is at Fergus's. He took it upon himself to go there. I dinnae stop him, but i havena told Uncle Jamie yet."
"Wonderful," Eleanor sighed, glancing at Jenny. "I was just stopping by to retrieve a cloth and some other supplies." She looked to William, "Do you need Susanna to arrange for a bath?"
He shook his head, "Not tonight."
She leaned over to kiss his cheek and then Sam's head, "Pleasant dreams then. I'm so glad to have you home William," She paused, "home as in this side of the ocean," she clarified, rather painfully.
"Aye, we canna think this as yer home, Eleanor," Jenny said, dryly.
She titled her head, "Not in front of the children," she said, pointedly.
"Tis a verra fine mess," Jenny retorted, but Ian had leaned down to tell Hope something and she took Rosie's hand and headed to the porch.
Ian whispered something to the boys and they both made their excuses and bypassed Jenny and Eleanor to head up the stairs.
"I need to find Jamie and head back," Eleanor said, quietly, "I wish I could say something, but there are no words to describe this."
"Aye," Jenny said, slowly, "That tis true, but do ye ken what ye wished my brother to do when Claire suddenly showed up alive?"
"Do you think I could ever forget that?" Eleanor asked, aghast. "I know this is difficult for us all, but Lord John...he saved me, Jenny."
"Aye," Jenny said, "And so has my brother."
"I love your brother. That hasn't changed. That won't ever change, but I cannot ignore the fact that John is alive."
Ian cleared his throat as he leaned against the doorway, "Lord John is a verra gut man, Mama. "
"I ken my brother likes him, but..."
"Ian is right," Jamie said, entering from the other room. "I willna have Lord John disparaged in my household by any one." He turned to Eleanor, "What are ye doin here, lass?"
"I need to retrieve few things," she said, softly. "Do you mind?"
"Of course no. Tis yer home, lassie."
"Ian!" Hope came back in, "I wanna see the horsies, NOW!"
"Hope!" Jamie admonished, "Tis not how ye talk to yer cousin."
"Sorry," Hope pouted, tugging on Ian's arm, "But please?"
"Verra weel," Ian picked up his little cousin, "Let's go find yer sissy and go see the horses."
"Not fer too long, lad," Jamie interjected.
Ian nodded, "Aye, Uncle Jamie. I willna keep the wee lassies up fer long...just enough to get them sleepy."
"Thank ye, Ian," Jamie smiled at his nephew as he gently shut the door behind him.
The three adults were left in awkward silence.
Eleanor looked between Jamie and Jenny, the tension between the siblings high. Jenny was highly protective of Jamie and Jamie was highly protective of both her and Jenny. She was sure they had exchanged words, with Jamie defending her and Jenny trying to make light of Eleanor's relationship with Lord John.
"Well," Eleanor sighed, "I am going to speak with Susanna and..." she paused then blurted out, "I can't just send John away, Jenny. You cannot expect me to."
"Eleanor, I dinnae think..." Jamie started, but Jenny retorted, heatedly,
"Of course ye can!" Jenny exclaimed, "tis what Jamie should have done years ago when the wee uns are little. And they still are little, Eleanor. They need Jamie."
"Janet," Jamie snapped, "Do not speak of matters ye dinnae fully understand."
"I understand enough to know that she shouldna feel obligated to be with Lord John."
"Jenny," Eleanor's face flamed, "I have to tell you...John was never an obligation. Even not at first..."
"Ye ken ye loved him when ye first wed because I ken ye dinnae," Jenny said.
"But I love him now. Yes, I married him out of convenience but it wasn't..." she paused, glancing at Jamie. "It wasn't like I felt forced to. I always felt...a..." she paused, "a connection with him."
Jenny raised her eyebrow, "A connection, ye say?"
"At first through Jamie, but..." Eleanor sighed, weariness overtaking her.
Jamie studied her, before reaching out to touch her arm lightly, "Ye dinnae have to defend yerself, mo ghraidh."
"It's just not as easy as you are making it seem. It is difficult and it hurts," Eleanor let our a breath as Jamie's hand reached out for her again, this time resting on her arm. "And he is a good man. Jamie and I need figure out what is best for our family, but this is not helping."
"Aye," Jamie shot his sister a warning look, "Tis not, sister."
"Did ye ken yer own son is with Fergus because he canna bear to be with his own parents?" Jenny retorted.
Jamie looked at Eleanor, who sighed heavily, tears springing to her eyes.
"I don't know, Jamie. Maybe go talk to him. But letting him stay at Fergus's, isn't a bad idea. He adores Fergus and Marsali and maybe they can...ease his temper."
Jamie looked perturbed, but nodded, "Aye," as a cry pierced the air.
Eleanor sighed yet again, and began to step towards their bedroom, but Jamie caught her arm, "Ye need to get what ye need and go back to John."
She froze, "Yes, but..."
"The lad will be fine," Jamie said firmly, before leaning to kiss Ellie's check. "Ye have spent enough time away. Go on."
"Are you certain?"
"Of course, I am," Jamie said, "He probably just needs to be rocked again."
"Very well then, thank you," she said as he nodded.
She gave him one last look before leaving to find Susanna.
Jamie held up his hand towards his sister, "Ye canna..."
"I can speak my mind, Jamie Fraser."
"Aye, but..." Jamie paused, the cries still filling the air. "I ken how Eleanor feels and it isna something I would wish upon anyone, especially un like Eleanor. This is plaguing her soul, Jenny. Ye ken how much she cares aboot all of us. Ye must be kind to her."
"And what do ye think will happen?" she asked at Jamie's retreating form.
He turned, "I dinnae ken, but whatever does, we must be united fer our wee uns."
"Will ye be able to sacrifice being a father to yer wee uns again? Fer Eleanor to be with the Englishman?"
"He is more than an Englishman, ye ken," Jamie said, his voice low, "to both myself and Eleanor. He is un of the finest men I ken. And they do share the bairn together."
Jenny rolled her eyes, but turned on her heels and went back up the stairs as Jamie went to his room to care for Hugh.
"John?" Eleanor pushed open the door to the cabin, "I'm sorry I took so long," she dropped a bag with fresh sheets by the door, "I will just leave the towel..." she tried to not look at John in the bath to hand him the towel, but ended up tripping over the chair and ended up flat on her face.
Eleanor cursed in exasperation and then winced.
She immediately heard the water slosh, "Hand me the towel."
She tossed it in his direction and he wrapped it around himself and then stooped down next to her.
"Did you hurt yourself?"
She managed to sit up on her knees, "Mostly my pride, although that's been damaged over and over today." She ducked her head.
"Did you scrape your hands against the floor?" John asked, quietly. "Allow me to look you over."
She gave him his hands and he examined them and then gently put his finger under her tucked chin, lifting it.
He looked over her face, rubbing his thumb over her cheek, "You have a red mark."
"Wonderful," Eleanor retorted, and then sighed.
"Eleanor, was the prospect of seeing me in the bath so fearsome for you?"
Eleanor blushed and then looked at him, really looked at him. The towel was wrapped around his waist and Ellie's heart fluttered. His chest was bare and Eleanor instinctively reached to run her hands over his scars. John sighed and the quickly grabbed her hand, gently removing it from his chest.
"You wish for boundaries."
"Yes," Eleanor said, softly, "but..."
"You are concerned that the love betwixt us is more..."
"Platonic in nature," Eleanor said, softly, "Or has become so."
"Or maybe you are afraid to look at me because you know it is not...that it hasn't been that way in years."
"Or maybe I am afraid that we will pick back up where we left off, John, and it wasn't the best place after Hugh's birth."
"And yet, your first instinct was to reach for me," John said his voice low. "Why?"
Eleanor looked into his eyes, "Because it's a heady feel when I am near you. And maybe it is because it is forbidden..."
John chuckled, his eyes searching hers, "For many people, but that is simply not the case for you. Any other reason you can think upon?"
"Because I love you...and I have missed you. And I want to be with you," she whispered, her face flushing again. "But..."
"You love Jamie, would miss him if he is gone and you still want to be with him," John said, thumbing her cheek. "I understand."
"Do you?"
"Yes, I do. Don't you recall?"
She nodded.
"I need to shave. And we are quickly losing the light. We can talk more."
He helped her up, his touch careful. "Are you certain you are not hurt?" he asked, his voice kind.
She nodded. He inclined his head towards the door. "I will only be a few more minutes."
"Take your time," she said as she reached for her book and went to sit out on the porch, staring out into the dusk, her book laid unopened on her lap.
"I lit a lamp," John said as he stood at the doorway. He frowned, "I didn't send you out here to allow your thoughts to plague you, my darling."
"And yet they do," Eleanor said, letting out a hefty breath. "The kids...it was a bit chaotic when I went to the Big House. And I ran into Jenny and..." Eleanor put her hand on her mouth, "She is like a sister to me and..."
"Ah, I see," John said as Eleanor's voice trailed off, "Come inside, my dear, the bugs are fearsome tonight. I do not wish you bit too much."
Eleanor nodded and then allowed John to reached for her hand, gently guiding her out of the chair and inside.
"Now, my darling," John said, pushing her down to sit in the chair and him kneeling beside her. "It is inevitable that someone will be hurt in this. You cannot heap that hurt upon your shoulders though. This was something done to you, not something you did." His voice was gentle. "You must understand that and find the peace knowing that your conscious, it is clear."
He put his hand on her knee, "Do you understand me?"
"Is that what you believe?" Eleanor whispered, "Truly believe, deep down in your heart?"
"It is," John said, "upon much consideration and reflection of my own feelings...a bath can be quite good for the soul, you know," John gave her a wry smile and then reached for her hands, taking them in hers, "the anger and bitterness I first felt, it was not towards you. You were hurt by this, perhaps, the most of all of us."
She looked into his eyes, "The pain I felt at your death...it was unbearable. I cannot even describe to you how devastated and lost I was without you. Or the impact you have made on me. How you guide me and steady me...and make me feel like I am worthy of the love given to me. I didn't know how to go on. Jamie basically forced me to come to the Ridge, so he could care for the children. I wanted nothing to do with him, I didn't even want to be near him for the longest time."
"Why?" John asked, tenderly, squeezing her hands.
"I didn't want to pretend that everything was back to normal. And the Big House...it's the house Jamie built for Claire, the details...her surgery, the care he put in building it, that was for her, not for me. And I resented being thrown into running her household."
"Tis your children, Eleanor," John responded, gently.
"But it was not my home...not then, at least."
"Does it feel like your home, now?" he asked, his voice quiet. "Considering you and Jamie?"
She paused for a long time, "Truthfully...I don't know. I was getting there, but I don't think I was fully there. There is just so many reminders of Claire there...and..." She sighed, "I try to push them away and find my peace with her memory, but she was such an incredible compliment to Jamie's person, and I'm perhaps the foil to his person."
"And that foil can make the person stronger, does it not?" John said, gently. "You are remarkable too, Eleanor, in so many ways."
"And that was why I was trying to embrace my own self, and to have to confidence to know I can be a good mate for Jamie. And the children, I feel the are finally settled."
"Yes," John said, leaning to kiss her hands, "but this is a sacrifice you should not have to make for the children, Eleanor...you must follow your heart."
She searched his eyes, "I know. You do look weary, John."
He nodded, "Would you like me to sleep in the loft?"
"Absolutely not," Eleanor said, "You have been traveling. We can sleep in the same bed." Eleanor stood, "I will change the sheets. I had grabbed fresh bedding."
"I will assist you," John said and Eleanor smiled.
"Will you now, Lord John?"
"I am capable of doing so."
Eleanor grinned at him, her face lighting up, "Well then. Come on with you."
They worked together to change the bedding, Eleanor and him laughing as they fluffed the sheets at each other and folded them down underneath the mattress.
"I don't see what is so funny," John said.
"You are laughing too," Eleanor pointed out, trying to control her laughter.
"Yes, I am, but mostly in response to your laughter," John said, "Tis very contagious."
"It is just...you are Lord John and..."
"I was a solider, my darling. I had to do often do things for myself. I am capable of it."
"Ah, that is true," Eleanor said, fingering the quilt that she had pulled up, "You are just always so dignified."
"I thought you appreciated that about me," John said, with a wry grin.
"Enormously," Eleanor grinned in return. "I adore that about you. Except of course, when it is inconvenient to me."
His eyes twinkled, "Inconvenient, you say?"
"Curtsy this way...wear your hat, my darling," Eleanor giggled as she gave her best Lord John English accent, which was quite horrid indeed.
John was diverted by her antics, "I cannot help that you are so difficult and stubborn, my darling."
"I see," Eleanor laughed more, as she fluffed the pillows against the bed.
"You are still adored," John said, "by me."
Eleanor bit her lip as she smiled, contemplating his words, "The feeling is mutual, Lord John."
She turned, "I need to get dressed for bed."
"Yes," John said, "Shall I turn my back like the dignified gentleman I am?"
"I'd say that would be wise," Eleanor retorted, and John turned his back to her as she quickly tried to change her clothes, struggling with doing it in an efficient manner.
"I will undress too while you are occupied," John announced.
"What are you going to wear to bed?" Eleanor said as she tossed her garments on the chair.
"I'm taking my breeks off," John said, "But I will leave my shirt on if that is agreeable to you, Eleanor."
"Sounds reasonable," Eleanor turned, " I'm done. I'll just take my hair down while you..." she paused, watching John undress. "I'm sorry. I turned without thinking."
John smiled gently at her and then reached over to toss her brush, "Do not fret over it. I am not offended."
Eleanor sat at the table, taking out her pins and brushing out her hair before standing and turning back to John.
"I am finished as well," John said.
"Yes," Eleanor swallowed hard, "I can see that."
John inclined his head, "Shall we retire?"
"Yes, of course," Eleanor said as John turned the covers down for her. "Shall I get the light?"
He nodded, "If you are ready to snuff it."
Eleanor carefully blew out the lamp and then moved over to bed, sliding in carefully. Their legs brushed as she settled in bed.
"Sorry."
"The bed is cozy," John commented.
"Yes, I will try not to bump into you," Eleanor said as she stared up at the ceiling and then sighed heavily.
"Do you prefer to sleep on your back these days?" John asked, his voice quiet.
"No."
"How about we both turn towards each other and discuss a few matters?" John said, his voice low. "Tis dark and perhaps, this will help you feel comfortable to speak freely without fear of how I might react."
She turned onto her side to face him and he turned towards her.
"What is on your mind?" Eleanor asked.
"You," John said, simply. "It always come back to you."
"I told you how much I struggled, John, after what I thought. And even despite what I have rebuilt with Jamie, you were always near my thoughts. Little things. Some expression of Hugh's, a whiff of a familiar smell, an argument of the children's that I knew precisely what you would say in response, dreams...you visited me so often. I just want you to know that..." she paused, "I love you. I will always love you. My heart it longed for you, so much, so often..."
"But?" John prompted, gently.
"No, buts," Eleanor retorted, "it's the truth. No matter what happened with Jamie, it's still the truth. I know it may seem to you or to others that I moved on too quickly, but it wasn't moving on from you because you were still with me, close to me."
"And yet?"
"That is awfully like a but," Eleanor said, smiling at him in the dark.
"Perhaps, so," John said, smiling as well, "However, I want you to speak to me what is truly on your heart."
Eleanor let out a long breath, "The war. It is coming."
"The winds of change are almost upon us," John murmured.
"Yes, and Lord John, the English will be defeated. I know you will want to fight...you are still a solider and even if not as a solider as a man, I do not foresee you ever being disloyal to the crown. I cannot have those repercussions for my children. Jamie will deftly switch allegiances when he feels the time is right and tis in line with his conscious and convictions, but it is contrary to yours."
"Eleanor," John said, softly, "You told me of this before we wed and it stopped neither of us. I am committed to act in a way that upholds our family's safety first and foremost."
"But that includes William, who does not have the knowledge of the future."
"I see your point, however, I must maintain this is not a new development. And I fully believe that the combination of both of our minds can find a suitable, satisfactory outcome to that predicament. Do you not trust my word?"
"Of course, I do," Eleanor said, "I am just trying to see if reason can help guide our next steps."
"If it was up to reason, you shouldn't exist in this time and place," John said, quietly, "nor should our children. But you do and they do. It baffles the rational mind, yet here we are."
"I suppose you make an excellent point," Eleanor said, softly, "And I suppose reason shouldn't supersede matters of the heart."
"What do you fear, Eleanor?" John said, his volume almost inaudible.
"That you will end up resenting me for Jamie," Eleanor said, "and that we cannot reforge our life together again...our passion again."
"I see," John said, "And yet you are keeping me at arm's length, Eleanor."
"I want to be fair to both you and Jamie."
"But what do you want, Eleanor?"
She paused and then shifted in bed, "I want to welcome you home, Lord John. To show you that the fact you returned to me, I see that as a miracle...and I want you to believe me when I say that from the depths of my soul, I have longed for you."
"If I put my mind to it, Eleanor, I can control my carnal desires. Come to me and let me feel you close to me."
She immediately launched herself into his embrace, them twining their legs through each other, them clinging to each other's embrace with the full weight of what they carried for so long.
"I missed you so," Eleanor began to cry. "Please believe me."
"Of course, I believe you, my darling," John soothed. "I missed you as well."
"I feel like a piece of my heart was missing and try as I might to patch it up, there were still irreparable cracks to my soul," Eleanor clung to him, almost desperately. "And I felt so guilty that we left each other the way we did..."
"Oh, my sweet Eleanor, I would never wish you to feel that way," John said, earnestly, "What was happening to us in the aftermath of Hugh's birth, we would have continued to work through. I could have been more patient with you..."
"You are always patient and generous with me," Eleanor said, "I never have met a more patient and generous man..."
"Yet, I should have been more forthcoming with my feelings and my needs. I know your heart so well and I should have acted as such. And I shouldn't have left you. I could have sent my brother to aid William until it was safer for you to travel. I have made mistakes too, Eleanor. Do not feel guilt. I beg you."
Eleanor leaned up and put her hand on John's face, rubbing the new shaved smoothness, "I must... May I?"
"May you what?" John cleared his throat.
"Kiss you?"
"What about your boundaries, my darling?" John began to say but Eleanor's lips found his in the dark.
And the longing for healing came crashing down upon them as their passion increased, hands exploring each other, desperate to make sure that this was real...and that they were actually together.
"Eleanor," John murmured between kisses. "I fear we are losing ourselves."
"I'm lost," she said, pulling back as the tears were streaming down her face, she had began weeping earnestly in response to the aching tenderness of their union, "I feel like if I let you go that I will never have you again. I'm so lost, John."
John sat up with her, reaching out a hand to gently thumb away her tears and then tenderly undid the three buttons to her night gown, sliding his hand in to rest over her heart, "I've found you, Eleanor. And if you become lost again, I will always find you...over and over again, whilst we both have breath in our beings."
"Promise me?"
"I swear it to you, Eleanor Fraser Grey."
She paused, "What are we going to do?" she whispered, "With Jamie and the children? I cannot break their hearts again. They don't deserve it."
"We will figure it out. Through honest conversation...between the three of us. Eleanor..." he paused, tears in his eyes, "I do love Jamie too. I will not see him hurt either."
She nodded, "In the meantime, hold me until the ache dies down?"
He looked at her gently, and leaned to kiss her tears off her face, "Of course."
He gathered her up in his arms and eased them both down on the bed, legs twined in each other again, Ellie's head on his chest as he stroked her hair. They fell into easy conversation, reacquainting themselves to each other and the past months before each succumbed to sheer exhautions...in each other's arms.