Drabble 54: The Monster Inside

A/N: Spitfire303 and LaughingLadybug, I promise your drabbles are next, but this one demanded to be written after I watched the last episode. AOSISMYLIFE, I promise your request from almost two months ago is coming too. I'm so sorry about not writing it sooner, but I swear I will as soon as I can (I lost track of all the requests and my ideas for a while, but I'm back on track now). Spoilers to any who haven't seen it yet. I can't believe the season is almost over! Anyway, enjoy!

"It would be so easy." She said. "Get him alone and stick this on him, and poof! No more Ward."

"Are you serious?" Fitz asked. The dark humor faded from his voice and he stared at her, his face showing slight concern.

"It's my duty."

Jemma sat in silence as they flew back to the base. All dressed in black, it was hard to make out each person sitting near her. Fitz was on the other side of Skye, seated next to her, and they were starting a conversation about who Lincoln was.

But she couldn't participate in the discussion. Her thoughts were focused on one thing.

She had killed a man.

And not in defense of her life, or even the life of one of her team mates. No, she had planned on murder.

The only thing she hadn't planned on was murdering the wrong person.

She couldn't bring herself to speak besides the required communications. Bakshi, that horrible, horrible man, had jumped in front of Ward. He had offered himself instead, and she had watched him crumble to ashes. Like Ward would have if Bakshi hadn't been there.

Would she feel like this if he hadn't? If she had killed Ward, would she still feel awful, like she'd betrayed herself?

No, she told herself. Ward deserved to die.

But a part of her was asking if that was true. She would never forgive him. Things would never be the way they had been before. Like Ward had been talking about on the plane, their little family was permanently damaged.

Broken.

But Ward had done everything Coulson asked him to. He had even saved him a few times. He had held a gun to her head after seeing her try to kill him, and then he'd just walked away. That had to mean there was some good in him, didn't it? But how could the monster have any good left?

Fitz didn't think she'd brought the little bomb. He didn't know she had ended a life. What would he say if he found out?

No, not if. When.

They'd had enough secrets and hurt and anger. Things were almost back to normal… maybe even slightly better than normal. She had to tell him. And it had to be tonight.

As soon as they landed back on the base she slung her bag over her shoulder and headed towards the lab, knowing Fitz would follow her there. She needed a moment to prepare herself. Once she stepped inside and made sure she was alone, she started slowly and methodically unpacking the bag, a process that helped calm her jittery nerves.

She heard Fitz walk in after a moment and start unpacking himself, and when they were both done he smiled at her. "I'd say that was a success."

She tried to smile but only managed it for a second. "I'm glad Mike and Lincoln are alright."

"Should we go check on them?"

"In a few minutes." She said. "Fitz, there's something I need to tell you."

His eyebrows furrowed and he walked over to her, sitting on a stool. "What is it?"

She took a deep breath. "I tried to kill Ward."

She blurted it out quickly, thinking that would be the best strategy. She could tell Fitz didn't fully understand what she had said, but she didn't want to say it again.

"What?" he asked.

She sighed. "I packed one of the bombs and tried to throw it at him. He didn't see it coming."

She could see him trying to piece it together, his mind whirling. "Wait." He finally said. "If he didn't see it coming, how did he live?"

At this point she felt tears blur her vision, emotion finally showing through. "Bakshi blocked it."

Comprehension dawned on him. He knew she had killed a man. She could see in his eyes that it wasn't good. She knew he would react like this, and it killed her.

"You, you…" Fitz stammered. "You actually went through with it?"

She slowly nodded, unable to meet those eyes.

"Would you still try to kill him, if we saw him again?"

"I don't know." She admitted in a barely audible whisper. Her voice shook, quavering weakly.

"Jemma, this is serious." He said. "You killed a man."

"I know!" she cried. "And if Bakshi hadn't interfered, I would have killed Ward! Think about it Fitz. Ward, gone from our lives forever!"

"As much as I like the sound of that, we can't be responsible for his death!" Fitz said back, his voice rising. "What's happened to you, Jemma?"

She froze. "That's exactly what Ward asked." She said, not yelling anymore. "He told me I'd changed, and not in a good way."

"Maybe he was right." Fitz said.

Then he walked out of the room.

Jemma was a whirlwind of emotions. She had hoped Fitz would help her feel normal again, but instead he'd made her feel worse. And she had quite possibly damaged their relationship.

Again.

She stalked out of the lab and to the medical center, where she found Lincoln and Mike waiting for her. She busied herself making sure they were cared for and comfortable and passed an hour, until finally she had to leave. Both her patients were resting; she had no excuse to put it off any further.

"Fitz?" she said as she knocked on his door.

"Go away." He called.

"Please let me in, Fitz." She said. "We really need to talk."

The door whipped open and he looked at her. "Yes we do." He gestured for her to enter and she walked past him, sitting on the edge of his bed. He sat on a chair by his desk and turned to face her. "What's going on with you?"

He sounded angry, but much less than before. Now there was concern in his voice too.

"Seeing Ward… it just filled me with hate. I couldn't think of anything but how he betrayed us, and hurt us. And I wanted him to suffer, to receive the punishment he deserves."

"And you think I don't?" Fitz asked. "Jemma, his actions led to my brain damage."

"That's exactly it!" she said. "Not only did he break up our family and hurt all of us, but he could have killed you! He sent us to the ocean to die!"

He bit his lip and seemed to decide something. "Killing him isn't the answer. It may seem like it now, but if you had killed Ward, how would you feel right now?"

She blinked. She'd questioned this only a short while ago. "I don't know." She answered honestly.

"I do. You'd feel exactly like you do now, torn up inside. It's not in you to kill, Jemma."

"But I have." She said. Her voice sounded hollow. "I killed Bakshi."

"You were trying to keep everyone safe from what you thought was a threat, and Bakshi got in the way. Should you have done it in the first place? No, but it's done now. You'll just have to make peace with it."

He moved to sit beside her on the bed and wrapped an arm around her.

"Is there any good left in Ward?" she whispered.

"I have no idea." He replied just as softly.

"Because if there is… does that mean I have that evil inside of me?"

"Jemma, don't-

"No, listen." She said. "I murdered someone tonight. I went on the mission mostly to try to kill Ward. It wasn't a heat of the moment thing, Fitz. I planned it. And Ward noticed that I've changed. Am I turning into him?"

"Never." He said. "You will never be like Grant Ward, and don't try to argue. You've changed. That doesn't mean you're a monster."

"If you were in my place, what would you have done?" she asked.

He thought for a moment. "I wouldn't have taken the bomb. I would have shot him if I saw any sign of betrayal, but otherwise I would have left him alone."

"That's what I thought."

They were quiet for a few minutes.

"We need some time." Jemma said. "We need to do lab work and create things like we used to, without all this pressure."

"It's a good idea, but you know it won't happen. At least not for a long while. Coulson needs us."

"I'm going to request to stay in the lab for a few days."

"Whatever you need to do." Fitz said. "I'm here for you."

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I need to forget about wanting to hurt Ward. I need to come back to myself, or I'm scared I'll turn violent."

"I think we both need to be a little violent sometimes." Fitz said. "The hard part is knowing when it's necessary."

She felt the truth of that statement sink into her. They did need to learn to be violent, especially when enemies lurked around every corner. But unlike Fitz, Jemma had let her newfound violence control her. She had lost sight of who she was in her pursuit of revenge, and by seeing Ward walk away from her… that had been her wake up call.

She had tried to kill him, and he'd just left.

The monster she imagined him to be could be gentle.

Now she had to learn to control her own inner monster, which had only hours ago overpowered her gentle conscience.

She had done a horrible thing.

Now she had to get past it and learn from it.