Chapter 18

Sam was at the end of his rope. The pack was divided, and he didn't have a fucking clue what to do about it. It was causing problems at every turn, and it was dangerous as they couldn't work well together as a pack when phased. And as humans, it had become a fucking nightmare.

Three nomads had caused quite a chase earlier in the week, and they had ended up with two injured wolves. Colin had almost lost his other arm, and Quil had been knocked out for nearly an hour. It had been scary shit for a while. They weren't top of their game anymore, and if they didn't get their shit together and fast, it would get them killed and the tribe unprotected.

He felt like a complete failure as the pack's Alpha and protector of the tribe. Emily was his only consolation now, but even with her, he felt this aching feeling of wrongness like nothing was as it should be, that everything was going to hell, THEY were going to hell. And there wasn't a fucking thing he could do about it. Not a damn thing.

When he had gone to the elders asking for their guidance, all they had said was to get Paul to accept the imprint. When Paul knows his place and does his duty, the harmony will resume, and all will be good again.

But now, one of the elders was missing, and he could not get past the feeling that it had something to do with the havoc and confusion between the pack members. All was just falling apart. Yet he just had to keep going like it wasn't. Tomorrow they would have the meeting with the fucking leeches. Paul had told them how one of the leeches was after Bella, and he wanted the treaty abolished, but the elders had refused to do that. Sam had to agree with them, at the current situation, it was probably the best: they could not fight the Cullens if it came to that. Not when they were fighting amongst each other. But he hoped that the Cullens would side with them and help them to protect Bella.

Paul's and Jacob's fight had been the last straw. It was actually a good thing that Paul wasn't in his full strength; Sam was sure they would have one dead wolf if he had been. Paul had aimed to kill. Sam had never seen anybody so furious as Paul had been. Jacob was a happy son of a bitch to be still alive. He'd been entirely out of the line with his remark. They did protect all human life, and Bella was also their friend, only the circumstances around her were fucked up.

Sam had realized that Paul's fury came from the understanding he needed his imprint, he only refused to see that, but it was the truth nonetheless. Yet it was neither here nor there since Sam knew that Paul wouldn't accept the imprint. He would rather die than give in to Rachel, as he had said. In the pit of his stomach, Sam knew that Paul meant it. He would not give up on Bella.

And in the end, he could not hold it against him. He did see the love Paul and Bella shared, and it was as strong as he'd seen between imprints and their wolves, if not even more so. It was confusing, the bond between the two of them.

The only thing he had left to do was to talk to Bella. He didn't know what he would achieve by telling her about the situation, but she needed to know. And he needed to say to her.

Sam left the house and walked to the beach. It was his go-to place when feeling shit. And oh boy, didn't he feel shit now.

He jogged to the shore, and there he saw her: Bella. He couldn't believe his luck, but she sat on the beach, looking at the horizon.

He walked to her. She didn't notice him. Sam smiled; only Bella could be so deep in her world that she didn't pay any attention to what was going on around her.

"Hi Bella!" he said, hoping not to startle her.

He did.

Bella shrieked.

"Oh, Sam," she said, "you almost gave me a heart attack."

She looked sad.

"Can I sit with you? I actually was hoping to talk with you."

"Sure. What about?"

"This isn't easy for me since I really like you, Bella, and consider you my friend, and I think that you and Paul are great together, but the fact is that your relationship is breaking up the pack. It is putting us all in danger." There, and seeing the look on Bella's face, he hated himself for doing that. But he had no choice; the pack was his responsibility.

"Wow, thank you for breaking it down gently."

Sam grimaced. "Sorry, but unfortunately, that is how it is."

Bella turned her face to the ocean, and he saw tears starting to fall. He fought against the need to hug her. He had a feeling Bella wouldn't appreciate the gesture.

"Is it true that Paul is losing his strength because he's refusing his imprint? It is hard for him to phase?" she asked so quietly that Sam almost didn't hear it.

"Yes." Sam was surprised. He had been so sure that Paul wouldn't tell her. "Did he tell you that?"

"No. It was Rachel. She shouted it at my face. I mean, she knows about that, but I don't. Why hadn't Paul told me? I thought he wasn't affected now that I'm here."

Sam sighed. If he was frank with himself, he hated that bitch almost as much as Paul did. But she was an imprint, so he couldn't tell what he honestly felt.

"He doesn't want to worry you. He knows how easily you worry. He is better than he was when you were away, but there is nothing we can do about how it affects his wolf. And it seems that for some reason, it is accelerating fast now."

"Paul almost got bitten last week. And it is, as Rachel said, it is getting harder for him to phase."

"Jesus, Sam, he hadn't told me any of that," Bella said and looked devastated.

He had expected as much.

"What happens if he cannot phase anymore?" Bella asked.

Sam didn't want to tell her, but there was no point in lying either

"Eventually, he'll die. Shapeshifter must phase to stay healthy and strong."

"Oh my God," Bella said and started to cry.

"Paul needs his imprint to get strong again."

Bella sobbed. "So, there is no hope for us then. Is there?"

Sam didn't know what to say to that, so he didn't say anything.

They sat in silence for a long while. The sky was blue, and the sun was shining brightly, but it didn't reflect his heart; it was all dark; it hurt for Bella and Paul. It hurt for them all.

"Can I ask you something personal, Sam?" Bella suddenly asked.

Sam cleared his throat. "Sure."

"Did you love Leah?"

Sam was taken aback by Bella's question. Thinking about Leah wasn't the most enjoyable thing for him to do. It always came with a massive amount of guilt and dulled longing.

"Yes. But when I met Emily, she was the only one I could love. It was like a compulsion."

Bella looked at him and blinked. "You do understand that what you said sounds terrible right?"

Sam shrugged. He could understand; he really did. It was impossible to explain imprinting to someone who hadn't gone through it.

"Why do you think Paul isn't feeling the compulsion?" Bella asked.

"I seriously don't know, and neither do the elders. But it is most likely because you made contact with his wolf and the wolf chose you before he imprinted."

"Are you resenting Paul because he fights for us? Is not giving me up?"

Sam had to smile at her, looking at him with her big brown eyes, and he felt utterly unarmed.

"I was, at first. But I cannot blame Paul for loving you. It is just that I must think about all of us. The pack and the tribe. And the painful truth is that your relationship is breaking the unity and is putting us all in danger."

Bella nodded. "Yes, you keep saying that, don't you."

"Huh?" Sam was surprised how the tone of Bella's voice changed harder than it was before.

"That it is our fault that we are all suffering. But what about Rachel? Why does she get to be selfish and keep wanting someone who doesn't want her in return?"

That was a fair question.

"We don't know what would happen to a wolf if his imprint refused him."

"It hasn't happened, ever?"

"No."

"Why aren't you worried about the missing diary?" she asked.

Wow, what was this third-degree all of a sudden?

"What missing diary? Where have you heard about something like that?" Sam had been wondering what Harry had said about the missing diary himself, but how did Bella know about it. Obviously, from Paul, but how had Paul known about it? Sam hasn't said anything about it to anybody, nor has Jared.

"What Paul has told me, that Harry says there is one diary of the former shapeshifter missing. It might contain something about imprinting gone wrong, as it clearly has with Paul."

"I don't know what to say to that." Sam really didn't. "Old Quil and Billy Black say there is no missing diary. And you can understand that trusting Harry Clearwater over their word isn't wise. That poor sod has drunk his brains out and is not trustworthy. His wife doesn't believe him."

Bella didn't look convinced but didn't press any further. But she did make him wonder if there was something the elders hadn't told them. It was starting to feel it was more likely the case. Everything was just falling apart. Something was indeed missing.

Sam was worried about Harry, but the good thing was that he wasn't lying dead anywhere in the res as one might expect with a drunk like him.

"Where do you think he is?" Bella asked.

Sam sighed. "We don't know. But he's nowhere in the res, so he must have left. If he had injured himself or worse, we would have found him by now."

Bella nodded and turned to look at the ocean again. Sam looked at her. She was a gorgeous woman, bright, funny, and passionate. He really could understand why Paul fought tooth and nail to keep her. Sam wondered what would have happened if he had done the same with Leah. But there really hadn't been any fight in him when he had imprinted. The moment he looked at Emily's eyes, she was all he could think about. Leah just wasn't there anymore for him. But it didn't take away the guilt he felt or the memories. He would always have them.

"Okay, Sam. Thanks for telling me these things. You gave me a lot to think about," Bella said as she got up, wiping the sand off her jeans.

"I wish things weren't this way," he said.

"Yeah. Don't we all."

"Do you need a lift somewhere?"

"No, I'll go for a walk. I've wanted to see the waterfalls, and now it is such lovely weather. It's still three hours before Paul gets home from work."

Sam wasn't sure if it was safe for her to go alone, one crazy vampire being after her and all, "Do you want some company?"

"No, thank you, Sam, but I will rather be alone. I'm sure you understand."

Paul opened the front door to his home and yawned. He was so fucking tired these days. Paul could not wait to take Bella to bed and spend the rest of the day making love and sleeping. He felt good only when he was with her, had her skin to skin, breathing her in. Loving her.

He rubbed his chest. The pressure had come back, and it worried the hell out of him. The exhaustion and lack of strength weren't something he felt good about either, but he refused to think what it all meant. All he needed was Bella.

"Baby, I'm home!" Paul shouted to the house that felt empty. Where was Bella? He couldn't hear her or smell her. But she'd said she would be home waiting for him.

He went to the kitchen and put their dinner in the fridge. The kitchen looked like it was this morning when he'd left. There was no note or anything. He took his phone and tried to call Bella, but her phone was switched off. Battery dead most likely; it happened to her often.

He tried not to panic. Bella did say she wanted to go for a walk. It was a lovely day, after all, a rarity in this part of the world. Maybe she went to see the waterfalls. But surely, she would have told him if she'd gone. It's a two-hour hike. He went back yard to see if she was there, but no.

Just when he was rushing out of the front door, she came in.

Relief filled him. "Oh baby, I was so worried..." She looked like she'd been crying. "What's the matter, Bella?" Worry came back in a flash.

"Why didn't you tell me you are getting weaker, that it has become hard for you to phase?" Bella asked, looking at him with red-rimmed puffy eyes.

Cold sweat rushed through him, and it took all the strength he had not to collapse to the floor. He felt so spent and tired.

"Who told you?"

"Does it matter who told me? It should have been you."

Paul closed his eyes and sighed.

"Come here," he said and opened his arms to Bella.

She walked to him and wrapped her arms around his waist, pressing her head under his chin. Paul pulled her closer and buried his nose into her hair, taking deep breaths. It helped, but fuck, he was so tired.

"I didn't want to worry you."

"That's what Sam said," Bella said.

"Sam!? What the fuck, did he tell you? I'm going to kill that bastard."

"NO, no. It wasn't Sam. I mean, we did have a long talk, and he did say much stuff, but it was Rachel who told me."

"Rachel?! When did you talk with that bitch?"

"She came after me when I left the diner and told me that you are getting weaker and won't get well before you and she are together. Paul, it was so hard to hear her knowing something so important about you that I didn't know."

Paul sighed. He should have known that he would fuck up when not telling her.

"Sorry, I should have told you. The bitch knows because nothing stays as a secret in the fucking pack. But I've been trying to think something, anything to make things better ... shit, I don't know, baby," Paul felt the weight of the hopelessness getting almost too much, and he dropped to his knees, taking Bella with him.

"Shh..." Bella whispered. "I got you." She sat legs-crossed on the floor and motioned him to put his head on her lap. She brushed her fingers in his hair, and her other hand went under his t-shirt, skimming his side and abdomen. Her touch was like water to a man dying in a desert.

Shit, he would not cry. Don't you fucking pussy dare to cry.

"How bad?" she asked.

Paul sighed. It seemed he did that a lot these days.

"The pressure in the chest has come back, and it gets easier when I'm with you, but it doesn't go away. And phasing is getting hard. It takes so much energy. I feel like I don't have anything left in me," Paul said as it was, nothing good came from lying. "When you touch me, it feels like the last lifeline."

Now that Bella knew, he felt like all strength left him. There was no need to pretend anymore.

"Sam said you might even die," Bella said quietly, "But you can't. You can't die. I want you to live," she started to cry.

Shit, it was all he needed to start crying too. How the fuck had it all broken down so fast?

"Maybe... maybe you could be happy with Rachel... if you tried."

"No, don't say that. No, no! …. I don't ever have her..."

"But we could stay as friends... please, Paul, you can't die."

"Baby, look at me," Paul said, turning to see her better, "I don't want to live a life where I can't love you, be loved by you. No. It's not life. Not for me."

Bella closed her eyes, tears running down her cheeks.

"Please don't close those beautiful eyes, don't shut me out," Paul pleaded. He needed to see her eyes; they would keep him grounded. As long as he could see her eyes, he had hope. But for the first time, he was feeling uncertain if they had any.