CHAPTER 18: DREAM A LITTLE DREAM OF ME

Levi Ackerman

Levi cursed as his foot caught on something and he fell forward. The air rushed past his ears, encompassing.

He slammed into the dirt with a THUD.

Dust bloomed around him like water. He couldn't see anything but brown. He coughed, swiping his arms through the air to clear it.

Then he stood up, brushing himself off. A few leaves stuck to his pants, now covered in the fine brown dust from the road.

He glared downwards. A small innocent-looking root stuck up from the unpaved roadway in the countryside. The trees above flickered in the wind, illuminating the damn thing in a bowl of sunlight.

"Fuck off." He said to it. Were his instincts really that bad?

The breeze danced through his fingers as he slid them into his pockets. Best to just continue and hope no one saw that.

Levi's feet pulled him to an unknown destination. He passed through country sides and farming fields, Wall Sina looming in the distance. Where was he going? And why was he so at ease? Wasn't there something...going on? People he was with?

Strange.

He kicked at a dandelion, sending the seeds to attack the otherwise green grass around the path.

He breathed in, savoring a subtle sweetness in the air. The golden rays of the sun bounced playfully off leaves above him, and he instinctively stood a little taller as they invited him to join their dance in the wind. He declined the invitation, promising the trees that he would inevitably be flying among their branches before too long. Maybe even tomorrow as he trained in the scouting legion barracks.

But for now, he was heading down this road going somewhere important. He frowned. At least, it had seemed important. The more he tried to focus on it the further it slipped away. He would have more luck gripping a fistful of oil.

His eyes scanned the trail. He knew this road. He often paused at that tree to...

And then it was gone. Again.

He sighed, rounding a bend in the road.

Maybe he was meeting up with someone. That could be it. He didn't have a lot of friends, but occasionally he liked to check up on people—

He froze.

A cottage stood at the end of his path. There was nothing special about the wood and brick trimming, no fancy architecture to distract. It was practical and stood firm in the clearing. A bounteous garden thrived off the land next to it, and a small ring of smoke rose from the chimney.

The faint smell of fire roasting in the hearth pulled him out of his daze.

Nestled into a bank of trees like a fairytale, the whole area sent his heart rate spiking. It was perfect and beautiful, clean and proper, and suddenly he remembered why he knew this area.

Because the house was hers.

His mother's.

Or rather, it was the house she should have had. The house she deserved. It was what he would have given her if she was still alive.

He grimaced, stomach twisting with another realization.

I'm dreaming.

And just like that, the sun felt colder, the air took on a sour quality, like a rotting animal carcass rested nearby, and the breeze hit him like early autumn frost.

Other than the steady rings of smoke from the chimney, nothing stirred in the clearing. Levi wondered if it was too late or if he had time to sneak away before she noticed him standing there.

You damn fool...running away from your own mother like a child.

Stopped by indecision, he remembered the many times this had happened before. It didn't matter if he dreamed he was in the Scouting Barracks, patrolling outside the walls, or wandering around Stohess. She always found him. She always reminded him of what he had lost. How he had failed her.

He eyed the door of the cottage, wondering if she would find him if he ran as fast as he could. Maybe she would appear in the farming fields? Tearing roots up from the path? Or would she walk out of the front door in just a moment?

As if on cue, it swung open, crashing against the wall and stopping his heart.

And there she was.

Beauty wasn't a word that described Kutchel Ackerman. Rather, it was a definition that she set the rules for. She made grace look effortless. Even her small movements were calculated and firm though gentle and kind.

Ebony black hair flowed over a plain burgundy work dress. The folds of it twirled around her elegant frame, neither complementing or taking away from her beauty. Her soft features, so kind, looked out with expectancy.

She glided through the doorway like a dancer, poised and proper, but the minute her eyes landed on him she froze.

"Hey baby," She smiled. And god, Levi's knees went jelly.

"...hey mom." He whispered, all hesitance from before melting away. It didn't matter. It should have, but he didn't care. She opened her arms to him, and he stumbled the last few steps towards her before falling completely into her embrace.

Lavender. Smoke. Cotton.

The smells filled his nostrils as he breathed in her scent. Her thin arms wrapped around him, holding him close, and she pulled his head to rest against hers.

"It's been a while." She whispered. "What took you so long?" Her fingers carded through his hair, the most soothing sensation he'd ever felt. Like the golden rays of the sun, kissing his skin and warming his chest.

"I—" He started. What had taken him so long? Thinking back through his memories was like trying to swim through syrup. He pulled at a memory, but it sank deep deep away out of his reach.

"I can't remember…" He mumbled.

Kutchel laughed, pulling away from their embrace. "I've never heard that excuse before. If I didn't know any better I'd say you were trying to avoid me."

Yes, he needed to get away from her. She would hurt him. Remind him of the pain. The horrible pain.

She lightly tapped his nose. "Come on sweetie, let's get inside and set the table. I'm just finishing with the soup."

"Soup?" Levi quirked his head as she took him by the hand and pulled him inside.

The ordinary interior of the cottage testified to Kutchel's cleanliness, a trait that had obviously been passed down to Levi. Every surface was dust free, including the dining table and eating surfaces. Neatly folded blankets rested in a basket next to a couch by the fireplace. Even the wood flooring looked freshly waxed.

The scent of freshly cooking vegetables filled the room, bouncing around like a cloud.

It all spoke of systematic order, and Levi's chest relaxed at the satisfaction of it all.

"Let me grab the dishes." Kutchel said, leaving him at the table.

He watched as she glided into the kitchen area, grabbing bowles, utensils, and steaming soup. A few moments later and they sat across from each other, the hot vapor melting into his nose as the smell of hearty vegetables filled his senses.

"How is it?" Kutchel's eyes shone.

Levi dipped a spoon into the thick broth, bringing it to his lips. He savored the taste of potatoes and beans as it fell through his throat.

"It's amazing!"

She smiled, taking a few bites herself.

Even as his guard dropped, a part of him screamed to leave. Surely any moment Kutchel would take a bread knife and stab herself, leaving him to watch in shock as she bled out and blamed him for it. Or maybe she would try choking on soup. Perhaps she would take a length of the rope out front and—

"You don't want to be an Ackerman." Kutchel said abruptly. The statement came out of nowhere, racing by and leaving Levi's brain behind several seconds.

"What?" He blinked at her.

"You don't want to be an Ackerman." She glanced at him, slowly stirring her soup. "Why not?"

"I—I don't know what you mean." He stammered.

"Levi, you know lying won't get you anywhere. Is that really your answer?" Her eyes twinkled.

He opened his mouth to speak when—

"Ahhhhh!" Doubling over, he let out a groan as another wave of pain hit him forcefully. Acid pooled into his stomach while an avalanche crashed into his skull. It was all tight tight tight too tight, like being crushed in a titans grasp.

It left him gasping for air.

When his episode passed, he looked up to see Kutcheli looking at him, simply waiting as if still expecting an answer to her question.

Was she torturing him now instead of herself? How was that possible?

He blinked up at her, clutching his stomach with one hand as the last of the sludge ebbed away.

"I don't care about being an Ackerman." He said, fierce determination ringing in his voice. "It's just a name—Ahhhhh!"

The fire came back in force, doubling him over again. This time it burned so intensely that Levi wildly thought there must be a hole in his stomach.

What the hell?!

When the pain faded again, Levi blinked away fogginess to find himself curled up on the floor to the side of his chair. He pushed himself up on shaky arms, checking himself over for injury.

Nothing.

He didn't miss the beat of teasing skepticism in Kutchel's eyes as he slid himself back upright.

"Levi…"

"What?" He barked, fiercer than intended.

"Don't you see what's going on?"

He didn't give her the benefit of an answer. She was just a dream. She wasn't real. She didn't need him to admit anything.

Are you really trying to prove yourself to a mental construct of your own mother that you created?

Now there was a familiar voice in his head.

Kutchel's eyebrows twitched ever so slightly, a facial movement Levi recognized as one he made frequently. Disappointment.

"You're not fooling anyone here Levi, and I'm trying to help you. Will you let me?"

Levi sucked in a few deep breaths, wondering if the pain would hit him if he opened his mouth again. "Help me with what?"

Nothing. He took it as a good sign.

"Help you accept who you are."

"Accept who I am?" He let out a bitter laugh. "What are my dreams turning into fucking therapy sessions now? First you haunt me every night, and now you want to sit around a damn table and talk about our feelings over dinner?"

A new silence entered the room, big and fat. It sat itself down at the table, an uninvited third guest, making him painfully aware of its presence.

"Well?" He directed at his mother.

She looped a strand of her coal black hair, same as his, through her fingers. Anyone else at the receiving end of Levi's anger would shrink before him like frost in the sun and try to never run into him again. As she sat there in that stupid chair he wished he could have bought her, in this fucking house, in the beautiful countryside, it only made him more upset that she looked more thoughtful than anything.

"Levi you know I'm not real." She said softly, as if he were a child. "But you also know that you're too stubborn to listen to yourself sometimes. That's why I'm here. I'm here to tell you that you're making yourself suffer because you won't listen to the clues your body was trying to give you."

"What are you talking about?" He kept his voice low. Low and steady, sucking in more deep breaths.

She fixed her eyes on him. "You refuse to accept who you are. You're an Ackerman, and yet you don't want to be one. Coming back home? To the underground? And denying that it's a part of who you are?" She laughed. "It's like you're trying to swim upstream and not get wet."

Levi bristled at the comment. "I'm not—I'm not trying to swim anywhere." He faltered, slumping back into his chair. "I just...I didn't want...I don't…"

He couldn't formulate the words he was trying to say. His mouth was a boulder, difficult to move and useless.

Memories of the last few days started returning to him. Yes, they had gone Underground. And Historia and Nile. They'd all been working there...then Randor and the bar burned. Damn...he knew going underground wasn't going to be easy, but could he never catch a break?

"The sooner you can accept the truth, the faster you can heal." Kutchel encouraged. "Just speak what's in your heart. I already know what's there so you don't have to be afraid."

Levi nodded mutely, but it wasn't her he was afraid of.

"I—" He tried again.

But nothing came.

Levi brought his hands to his face and pushed forward to lean on the table.

"I can't be an Ackerman." He finally whispered, the words floating into the air and hovering. Spoken into the silence, they echoed over and over in his mind. He expected the awful agony to come back, but it never did.

So he continued.

"If I'm an Ackerman now, then who have I been all my life? How—how can I lie and say I belong with the Scouts? The line of Ackermans is the line of scum. They're vermin. I can't be one and be a Captain. It's tearing me apart."

That was it.

Since setting foot underground, since leaving his life on the surface, Levi unintentionally dug up unresolved conflicts in himself. Saying it outloud made him realize, with a start, that it had all been affecting him this whole time.

Just like Kutchel had said moments before.

"Tell me more." She said, nodding.

"Ackerman's run…" He trailed off, turning away. "They run away from their problems. From their family and friends. That's what you did. That's what Kenny did."

She didn't say anything so he continued.

"I don't run from my problems." He stated. It was true...wasn't it? He had faced his fears a thousand times over, the worst of them coming true all too often.

"I'm not afraid of dying."

He stopped, not knowing what to say next.

Silence filled the room. It wasn't awkward or painful. In fact, Levi felt a strange sense of peace? Yes, he felt oddly comfortable having spilled his heart. Like putting on a tailored jacket, it settled on his skin, sitting just right.

"When you were a baby," Kutchel added. "I often wondered who my little boy would grow into. Would you live above ground as a merchant? Would your soft heart love to garden like I did? Would you be like the heroes in the stories I used to tell you."

He swallowed, fighting back sudden hot tears.

"Think of how proud I was to discover that my sweet precious boy became the greatest hero of them all."

A drop hit the table under his cheek.

"...that was before." He whispered. "Now that I know...it's my fate to leave it all behind. Isn't it."

"Not at all."

Wood creaked as she shifted in her chair.

"Being an Ackerman isn't a bad thing Levi. You need to understand that. Ackerman's give their whole hearts to a cause. To life. They devote themselves to something higher than themselves."

To devote your heart…

"You've always sworn to protect those who can't protect themselves. To give strength where others could only give weakness."

"What about you?" He asked.

"I swore a loyalty to you." She said. "I didn't know who you were at the time, but I knew if there was ever to be someone like you, a child of mine, that I had to give them the chance to live. Unfortunately that meant life underground, at least to start out with. Baby you know my plan was always to get us above ground. To send you to school and to live in a house like this one." She gestured to the room. "It's the perfect house; the one you would have given me. It's the one I wanted to give you."

"And Kenny?"

Her eyes cast downward. "He had his loyalties elsewhere. As much as I wish he could have changed his heart, there were others who needed him more than you did."

"I had nothing…" Levi said.

"And neither did he. I think that was part of why he left. He was afraid of having someone to lose."

Well that hadn't been the answer he was expecting.

And yet…

It all made sense. Somehow. The fears and questions from before were...fading?

"I'm an Ackerman." He said, the name still tasting a little foreign on his tongue. "I'm Levi Ackerman."

Kutchel smiled. "Yes, you're my perfect son. A defender of humanity, a hero. And an Ackerman."

"What does that mean...I mean, moving forward. What do I do?"

She thought for a minute tapping her finger against the table.

"I think a lot of that depends on what you want to do." She hummed. "I can't be here to guide you through everything, but you don't need me to. You have a lot coming in your future, and if being a protector of humanity is what you want to be then there's no force that can stop you, even knowing your history. The only thing strong enough to stop you is yourself, and I think the last few weeks have proven that point."

He grunted in agreement.

"But also realize that it's okay to make mistakes." She continued. "You're a good person Levi, and you haven't given yourself enough credit for all the good things you've done."

"I don't feel like they matter." He mumbled.

"Of course they do! Levi do you realize without you, hundreds of people would be dead? That thousands more would live in greater fear of titans? Without you, ODM gear techniques wouldn't have been discovered. The Scouting Legion would be in ruins, and children would have no heroes to look up to."

He looked at her, the sunset lighting her hair with yellow light.

"And," She placed her hands on the table reaching across for his. He took them, relishing in her touch. "That's not even starting on the impact you've had for your friends and comrades. They need you Levi. You're their river, guiding and constant. You drive them towards their goals. Think about Hanji or Erwin, or all the soldiers you've led. Even the young queen and Nile. They need you."

Like the last rays of the sun, Levi felt the turmoil in him evaporating. With each word out of his mother's mouth the pit in his stomach was filled. Even that nagging voice in his head, the one that had been constant since stepping foot underground was completely silent.

It was pleasant, if a little off putting.

He felt as if he could sink into the chair and disappear forever, weightless among the coming night. He would like that, to feel as free as the clouds, nothing to hold him down.

He looked into his mother's cool grey eyes, a reflection of his own.

And smiled.

"Thank you." He said.

She smiled back, standing and pulling him up as well. She stepped to the side of the table and pulled him fully into her arms.

"I love you." She whispered to him.

Levi said nothing as a silent tear slipped down his cheek.

Historia started, a loud noise shaking her awake. She pushed a lock of hair from her eyes as she glanced around the room for the source of the noise. And then…

Her eyes widened and she instinctively elbowed Nile who was dozing lightly to the side.

"Hey hey! Nile!" She shoved the other man awake. "I think Levi is waking up!"

"What?"

She scrambled over to the Captain and pressed her hand against his skin as his eyelashes fluttered.

"His fever is gone!"

AN

First of all, let me say HUGE APOLOGIES TO EVERYONE.

I suck.

I told y'all it might be a week or something and it's been over a month…..

See I went on vacation and then the car broke while we were in LA and then I had to work on my comic con costumes before school started and it's just been one thing after another. I'll be at Comic Con this week so go peep at my main instagram account ( ) if you want to see the pics of me cosplaying Hanji and Black Widow.

Okay, so I know you all are wondering, what's the time table for the last few chapters? The answer is…..

I don't know. I wanted to have this story up and done before school started and there are still like three chapters I need to write.

I think realistically I'm looking at being done done done around Christmas. I will try to get them done sooner, but that's what I'm shooting for right now. I'm sorry again….But college, ya know?

MUCH LOVE TO YOU ALL! 3

~Gamma