Drabble 93: Looking Forward, Looking Back

A/N: I found this on my computer the other day and thought it would make a good drabble. I started it back in the beginning of season three, before we found out what Jemma went through on Maveth. I never got around to finishing it. So I thought I'd introduce a different possibility as a drabble. Hope you like it!

"She designed this lab exactly as she wanted it. And now... She seems distant."

"Maybe she needs something to look forward to instead of reminders of what she used to have." Bobbi said.

Something to look forward to…" Fitz murmured. He took out his cell phone.

"You don't need to worry. It's inactive." Bobbi said, trying to take the rock.

Jemma lunged and snatched the rock from the table, clutching it to her chest. "You don't know that. It's alien, it could have different properties-"

"It's safe." Bobbi said. "The portal won't open."

Jemma looked at her, need in her eyes. "It has to. I have to go back."

Bobbi just looked at her for a second. "I don't understand." She finally said.

Jemma started to back away, the piece of the monolith still clutched in her hands. "You don't need to."

"This isn't good, Jemma." Bobbi said, carefully walking forward.

"There you are!" Fitz said. Bobbi turned to see him walk into the lab, a relieved smile on his face. "I went to check on you and didn't know where you were." He looked between Bobbi and Jemma and seemed to notice the tension between them. His smile faded, hesitant on his lips. "What's going on?"

Bobbi raised an eyebrow at Jemma. "You want to tell him?"

"Tell me what?" Fitz demanded.

Jemma briefly met his gaze. "I need to go back, Fitz."

Any trace of his smile completely disappeared. "What do you mean?" he asked.

Bobbi looked at him. "I walked by and saw her looking at the rocks. I tried to tell her they're inactive, and then she said they can't be. She wants to go back."

"Please don't try to stop me." Jemma said, backing up again.

"How can I not?" Fitz asked. "Jemma, why do you want to go back there?"

She looked at Bobbi, who knew she wanted her to leave. "Sorry." Bobbi said. "I'm not going anywhere until I'm sure you're safe."

Jemma sighed, and then reluctantly spoke. "I don't fit in here anymore."

As if to prove her point, Fitz's phone vibrated. Jemma started, a terrified look entering her eyes, her hands going to her ears. Barely a second later she lowered her hands, but she couldn't move that look from her eyes as quickly.

"Jemma." Fitz said softly. "You were gone for six months. You need time to readjust, to get used to being here again."

"No, I need to go back. I have to go back." She tried to back up more and found herself against the wall. She looked at the exit; behind Fitz and Bobbi.

"Why don't you sleep on it?" Bobbi asked gently. "Clear your head."

"If I don't go now, I won't go at all." Jemma said. "I need to go!"

Fitz glanced at Bobbi to tell her to stay back. He walked over to Jemma. "What about our dinner? You told me something was hunting you. You said it had been hunting you since you escaped its grasp shortly after arriving. Why would you want to go back there, where you were hunted?"

Her eyes teared up. "I don't want to." She managed, her words thick. "But I have to."

He wrapped his arms around her and whispered in her ear. "The only thing you have to do is give yourself a chance to readjust." He hesitated. "After my… change, it took a long time to feel normal. You know how hard it was to adjust, to try to go back to my old life, changed. But I managed to find a new balance." He separated from her and met her gaze. "You just need time."

She held his gaze for a moment. He nodded slightly, lowering his arms to his side. She responded by holding out the rock, her hand shaking. He took it from her and handed it back to Bobbi, and the next instant Jemma was against him, her head on his shoulder.

"I need help." She said through the tears.

"I'm right here." He said soothingly, rubbing her back as he held her against him. "And you're not going anywhere."

He couldn't believe she had even considered going back to that horrible place. There was no way he would ever let her go back there.

It was a slim chance he would even let her leave the base without him for a long time.

He shifted his head to look at Bobbi. "Take those to Coulson." He said.

He saw Bobbi nod in his peripheral vision and turned back to Jemma, tightening his hold on her. "Let's go back to your room." He said gently.

She separated from him, wiping at her eyes, and then slipped her hand in his.

"I'll sit with you for a bit, yeah?" he asked as they walked.

She nodded. That haunted look hadn't completely faded from her eyes, but the desire was still there. What wasn't she telling him? Her experience had obviously scarred her, but something in that gray world was almost overpowering that torment. She wanted to go back, on at least some level.

Fitz had stopped her from trying this time, but if she tried again? If she somehow found a way to open the portal and go back there? Fitz honestly didn't know if she would go through with it. As he settled himself next to her in her room, there were only two things he was sure of.

One, whatever Jemma had experienced, she hadn't told him the whole story. He knew she needed time, but her behavior today worried him. If she was hiding something important, it might eat her alive.

The second thing he was sure of wasn't rational. It wasn't logical. He would protect her no matter what. Even if that meant protecting her from herself.

As long as Jemma kept looking back to those six months, he would remind her to look forward instead; to future experiments, to future missions.

To future dates.

He would help her. He was never going through anything like the past six months again, and he sure as hell wasn't going to let Jemma lose herself in bad memories.

They had too much to look forward to to be lost in the past.

Jemma handed the rock to Fitz. Her hand was shaking, but not only because of how emotional she was feeling. She had to force herself to give him the rock. She had to physically force her arm to extend, her hand to let go of its iron grip on the rock.

She wanted to go back. She didn't know quite why, but she felt like she had to. Maybe it had to do with what was done to her, though even she didn't really know what had happened…

She was terrified of going back, didn't want to be trapped again. She never wanted to go back again.

It was so horrible, being so conflicted!

There was only one thing she was sure of as she reluctantly let Fitz lead her back to her room: Fitz could never know what had happened. It would only upset him, and there was nothing he could do about it.

The past was in the past.

If she could ever forget about it.

Fitz led her to her room and talked with her until she seemed calm. She was still tired so easily. He knew it was because of all the stimulation she had to grow accustomed to again: the lighting, the sounds, the business of the people around her. After months on a dark, empty world, he would be struggling to readjust too. She actually lay down to take a brief nap before too long. Fitz stayed with her, watching her as his thoughts roamed. She seemed so peaceful, asleep. Ever since he'd gotten her back she'd been tense when awake, constantly on edge. He just wanted her to feel comfortable again. Safe.

He remembered something Bobbi had mentioned the day before: Jemma might need something to look forward to instead of trying to make things the way they were before, until she adjusted more. He still had a reservation on hold, but he wasn't sure she was up to that… with one quick look to make sure Jemma was comfortably asleep Fitz quietly crept out of her room. He didn't know how long he had before she woke up, and he didn't want her to wake up alone.

He ran to various parts of the base, gathering the things he needed, and roughly twenty-five minutes later he was slipping back into the now dark room with his arms full. He set things down carefully on the floor, but the bottle slipped out of his grasp and rolled a few feet.

Jemma woke with a start, her breathing unsteady. She surveyed the room with a wild gaze. Fitz stood with his hands up, and she locked onto his shape.

"It's just me," he said soothingly. "I'm going to light a candle."

He lit the four candles he'd brought, placing them a bit apart from each other so there was a dim glow in the room. That way he could see clearly enough, and Jemma wasn't overwhelmed by the brightness. "I thought we could have some dinner, just the two of us." Fitz continued.

She was still looking at him with that trace of fear, her hands tight on the blanket. He picked up the bottle of wine and showed it to her, pouring it into two small cups and sitting next to her on the bed. She seemed to come out of her daze and accepted a cup from him, looking down at it in silence.

He held his up, just a touch. "To us," he said softly.

He saw her swallow and lift the cup to his, murmuring "to us" as she did. They took a drink. "What's this for?" she asked.

"We were meant to go to dinner. Do you remember?"

Now she looked back at him, and there was more life in her voice as she said "Of course I remember! I thought it over so much when I first…"

"Well I figured you're back now, so we should go through with it."

"But you wanted to leave the base." She said.

He tried to look like this hadn't occurred to him. "I guess we'll just have to do it again then, when you're ready."

Jemma rested her head on his shoulder, quiet for a minute. "Thank you."

He moved his head to look at her at her tone. She sounded close to crying.

"I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't seen that flare, if you hadn't been there to bring me back -."

He straightened, making her face him. "Jemma, I'm always going to bring you back. Okay? You don't have to worry about it. All you need to worry about is what happens from here, yeah? What happens with us."

She nodded, blinking slowly and regaining her composure. "You said we're having dinner?"

He smiled and grabbed the bagged sandwiches he'd made. "A personal favorite, of course." He said.

She smiled back, a tiny, amused smile that made Fitz's heart relax a little bit. It was closer to the smile she used to have.

They would get back to that original smile, someday. For now he was happy with the tiny one.