The Comfort of Knowledge, Chapter 14
Stairs.
Sirius had never given the bloody things much thought before having to drag his semi-conscious friend up several dozen of them.
He pulled the boy along as fast as he could without making him sick again but, as they reached the final set of stairs leading up to the dorms, he felt the weight become even heavier against him.
He silently cursed each step for delaying his return to Hogsmeade.
"Sirrs?" his bespectacled friend slurred.
"Hm?"
"S'good feeling, isnit?"
Sirius sighed.
James had been mumbling random things the whole way. Even when he was moments from passing out he could still manage to talk.
"What feeling is that?" he inquired patiently.
"Mh. Y'know. Knowing..."
James fell silent again as Sirius kicked open the door to the darkened room and stumbled inside.
James' head was lolling against his shoulder and he let out a loud yawn into Sirius' ear as he was deposited onto his large four poster bed.
Sirius exhaled in relief and flicked on the bathroom light. He had just enough time to change out of his drool covered sweater before heading back to the village.
"Sirrs?"
How James was managing to stay awake...
"Yeah?"
"When're we gonna finish our amin-ainim-animal...agus potion? Lily'd be impressed."
Sirius snorted.
"I don't know," he called back finally. "It's not as if we need to transform to sneak around anymore...that's what the cloak's for."
The light from the bathroom streamed out into their dorm and he smiled at James' dozing form.
Before he could turn back to his trunk, the waxing moon caught his eye.
Remus.
The moonlight was shining brightly in accusation.
Sirius felt his stomach tighten.
"We stopped working on it," he whispered aloud, the realization of what it meant making him sick.
"Si, s'that you?"
He ignored his friend's confused call and stood up, one hand reaching up to tug roughly on his own hair.
"We stopped working on the potion because your dad gave you the cloak," he explained to the room, his annoyance with himself growing by the second. "And by that time we had figured out enough secret passageways to not need disguises to get around anyway. And then the map... it was never imperative to continue right away. But now...now...it could change everything. It would help him."
He ran over and lightly shook his dozing friend until the hazel eyes opened.
He'd later see the pointlessness of this move but in that moment he wanted confirmation and it didn't matter if it was from his drunk, slurring friend or from the Minister of Magic himself.
"James," he whispered seriously.
"Mm."
"Werewolves. They only go after humans, don't they?"
His friend stared at him for a moment, concentrating hard on the question before a lazy smile spread across his face.
"Mh. Yeah. We taste good. 'Specially the girls. Mmm...I bet Lily'd taste lovely."
Rolling his eyes, Sirius pulled the clean sweater over his head and tied his hair back quickly.
"James," he said seriously, feeling his pulse quicken. "We need to start working on becoming animagi again."
"Mkay. Lily'd be impressed..."
Sirius swiftly tossed a blanket over his friend and grabbed the familiar cloth from the boy's trunk.
With a flick of his wrist, the light from the bathroom was extinguished and he was rushing down the stairs and through the halls again. Back to Hogsmeade. Back to Remus.
He knew how he was going to help.
"It's a good feeling," he whispered.
Forty five minutes and twelve seconds.
Thirteen.
Fourteen.
Fifteen.
Remus let out a soft growl and forced his eyes back down to his book.
This was not good.
He had barely finished a page since returning to the bookstore to wait for Sirius.
He was nervous...anxious...confused...
The longer he waited for the sixth year, the more he regretted inviting him back.
Remus' next transformation was less than a week away and he usually found that the evenings were the most difficult time to try and reign in all of his varying emotions.
He needed to stay calm though. The last thing he wanted was to let something slip in front of Sirius.
He knew he should be looking for Shanks and begging the boy not to tell anyone what he knew... writing back to his Aunt to reassure her that everything would be okay...working on his dreamless sleep potion so he could finally rest for a few hours...
There was so much he had to think about...to worry about.
One night off.
He wanted to forget – however briefly – about his secrets and pretend that he was good enough, normal enough, to spend an evening with someone like Sirius.
The memory of the raven-haired boy gently taking hold of his bespectacled friend, helping him back to the castle without a moment's hesitation, made something stir inside Remus.
Sirius, however mischievous and promiscuous he appeared to be, was undeniably kind.
Too kind for someone like Remus.
When Sirius was around it was as if it didn't matter that a beast was lurking inside of him; restless and hungry.
But it did matter.
He didn't normally feel the presence of the wolf – the hunger of it – until a day or two before his transformation; and even then it was just a matter of suppressing it. Controlling it.
But he felt it right then, waiting for something, wanting something.
He wished more than ever that he hadn't invited the raven-haired boy back.
"Rem?"
Remus looked up, startled at the sound of the voice.
"I thought I'd find you here," the Ravenclaw said, chuckling as he took a seat across from Remus.
Sirius' chair.
Struggling to suppress any further thoughts of the black-haired boy, he spoke as casually as he could.
"Terry," he greeted, trying his best to smile at the boy. "How was the pub?"
"Dull," his friend declared, voice laced with amusement. "I knew I should have tagged along with you."
The slight squeak of the shop's front door was just loud enough to reach his sensitive ears.
He felt pleasure and anxiety course through him as he imagined Sirius' feet making their way towards him.
He had come back.
"Did you get that book you've been wanting?"
Remus' eyes snapped up to look at his friend.
"The book...yes. Mr. Brooks said it was one of the last copies he had in stock. Apparently they've been selling hundreds."
"Figures. I guess that means you have good taste in books," Terry smiled. "Though I can't pretend I didn't know that already..."
Remus tried to listen as the boy continued to talk about books and the pub and their plans for the following day but he was quickly becoming too distracted by a new scent floating through the air.
He inhaled deeply.
He was sure that that dark, refreshing, spicy scent wafting through the air was Sirius'.
Warmth spread through him.
He stared intently at the walkway that led to the front of the shop.
Was he imagining it? Just wanting to smell Sirius...to see him stroll casually around the corner with his dark, shining hair tied back and the sexy, roguish smile on his handsome face?
He could feel the wolf's growl rising in his throat again.
"You alright, Rem?"
He jumped slightly and turned back to look at his friend with wide eyes.
"Fine," he managed to say in a hoarse voice.
What was happening to him?
"You seem a little distracted, that's all..."
He silently begged the wolf to calm down, to wait until he was safely locked up in the Shrieking Shack before he started trying to control Remus again. Not yet. Not yet.
"I'm sorry, Terry," he swallowed hard. "I just have a lot on my mind tonight."
The other boy smiled at him.
"Well, is there anything I can do to help?"
Go find Sirius and tell him to run away.
"Er...no, I don't think so. I'll sort everything out. Thanks Terry."
"Alright. Well, I'd better go then," he said, standing and smiling down at Remus. "I just wanted to make sure you didn't get caught in an avalanche of books or anything."
He winked at Remus.
"See you tomorrow?"
Remus managed another smile.
"Yeah, have a good night, Terry."
At the sight of the boy's retreating back, Remus stood abruptly and walked down the nearest aisle.
He breathed in deeply, trying to control his emotions.
Why could he feel the wolf so close to the surface when his transformation was still a week away? Why were thoughts of Sirius affecting him now and not earlier when the boy was right next to him?
He leaned against one of the shelves, raising an arm so his head could rest on it, and tried to calm his nerves.
"Found you," a warm voice breathed into his ear.
Pleasure coursed through him.
"Sirius," he breathed.
He needed to stay calm.
"Remus," the deep voice whispered against his ear. "I have something to tell you."
Closing his eyes tightly, Remus forced himself not to turn around.
He could feel Sirius' eyes on him – watching...studying...wondering what was wrong.
"You ok?"
The dark-haired boy touched his shoulder softly.
They were so close.
If he leaned back an inch he would feel the other boy's warmth against him.
"Remus?"
He opened his eyes and lifted his head to find Sirius staring intently at him. His gray eyes looked darker than they normally did.
Merlin, the boy was handsome.
Remus wanted to tell him everything.
Confess every last one of his secrets.
The letter.
The dreams.
Shanks.
The wolf.
He forced his mouth to remain shut and merely stared into the beautiful pools of gray.
After several minutes of just staring at one another, Sirius raised a hand, slowly and carefully, to touch his face.
The long, rough fingers stroked lightly over the contours of his cheekbones, his forehead, his nose. A thumb reached up to gently trace his mouth.
Why wasn't he stopping Sirius?
Remus felt both calmed and ignited by the feel of the other boy's fingertips on his skin.
Is this what his girlfriends feel like? Is this how he touches them?
He felt a sudden, unfamiliar burst of possessiveness surge through him and he wanted to touch Sirius back.
What was happening?
He blushed deeply and turned his head away from the tempting hand.
Surely the boy didn't want him when he could have any one of the many beautiful girls inside or outside of Hogwart's?
"Remus..."
It looked as if Sirius was fighting his own internal battle.
His eyes were heavy with uncertainty as he lifted his hand up again, this time reaching around to touch Remus' neck. A single, rough finger traced a small pattern on the back of it.
Remus knew he should do something to stop the sweet touch. There were too many reasons not to want this. Not to allow it.
Just one night.
He leaned into the touch and the dark-haired boy let out a sigh of relief.
"Remus..." this time it was spoken like a prayer, like the word tasted good in the boy's mouth and he'd been waiting to say it, to savour it.
Stay calm.
"Remus..." The dark haired boy was leaning in closer, his breath ghosting over Remus' lips as he exhaled.
Stay calm.
And then Sirius' smooth lips were on his.
They were so much warmer and softer than Remus expected. The whispers he'd heard of Sirius' conquests filled his mind and he waited for the impatient, fervent kisses that he'd heard about.
But the kiss remained sweet and chaste.
Sirius was being cautious – a trait so unlike him it would have startled Remus if he hadn't been so distracted by the tender kiss.
The taller boy wasn't plunging his tongue forward, trying to snog him; he was comforting him, trying to calm him down.
The effect this had on Remus wasn't calming in the slightest though – he felt arousal course through him and the wolf's instincts rose ever closer to the surface.
Sirius' lips lingered on his own for several more seconds before the boy pulled back with a dazed, satisfied smile on his face.
Perfect.
Sirius looked content – like that one, simple kiss was enough.
That alone made Remus want more and he felt his animalistic instincts take control in an instant.
He pushed the taller boy up against the shelf, reversing their positions, and covered the mouth with his own; tasting what he should never have been allowed to taste.
After only a moment's hesitation, Remus felt the boy start to kiss him back and their tongues began battling eagerly with one another.
Remus couldn't help the appreciative growl that rose in his throat at the sweet taste of the other boy's mouth.
The large hands rose through the air once more to touch his face and Remus felt his own hands grab at the silky black strands, impatiently pulling the tie from the boy's hair.
He felt Sirius' tongue sweep slowly across his lips and he growled again.
After a few minutes, he pulled anxiously at Sirius' sweater, wanting to get the wretched thing off so he could feel the soft, smooth skin that he knew was underneath.
It was his turn to touch the other boy.
Just as he was pulling the sweater up, the sight of Sirius' smooth, defined torso coming into view, he felt strong hands reach down to still his movement.
He looked up in confusion and irritation and found the gray eyes looking down at him intently; the strong hands squeezed his arms gently.
Sirius was worried.
The initial frustration he felt at Sirius halting their actions diminished within seconds of seeing the boy's expression.
Remus' own instincts and common sense came flooding back to him; he felt the hungry beast inside of him retreat in mild satisfaction.
His eyes widened in humiliation at what he had done, at what he had wanted, but Sirius pulled him close and continued to trace rough fingertips gently over his face long after the dark flush disappeared from his cheeks.
Not knowing what else to do or say, and afraid that the wolf might come back at any moment, he just let Sirius hold him.
It was late into the night before he finally pushed down his embarrassment enough to allow himself to revel in the soft, careful touches.
He couldn't bring himself to wonder why Sirius hadn't left him yet.