The Comfort of Knowledge, Chapter 19
In his tired state, Remus could not tell if the hard, warm body carrying him through the darkened corridors was real or part of some torturously vivid dream.
He had only stirred slightly from his deep sleep when one strong arm curled up under his knees, another under his neck, and lifted him from the cold, dusty floor of the classroom.
He knew that under normal circumstances he would have objected to being carried anywhere.
The idea was mortifying.
With a soft groan, he opened his eyes slowly and squinted up at the face above him.
Sirius was holding a wand, lit at the end, in his mouth. Remus was reminded distinctly of a dog carrying his treasured bone and he knew that, under different circumstances, he might have smiled at the sight.
Instead he found himself closing his eyes again and letting the events of the last few days come back to him in quick succession.
Sirius.
His transformation.
The hospital wing.
Classes.
Exhaustion.
Shanks.
Darkness.
A part of him hoped that all of it was a dream.
Remus slowly opened his eyes again and studied the handsome features that were lit by the soft glow of the wandlight.
The dark hair looked clean and tidy. The smooth lips were slightly parted around the wand. The clear, gray eyes were staring straight ahead, wide and alert.
Remus no longer felt caught between dreams and reality.
He was suddenly painfully aware of the fact that he was being carried through the hallways of Hogwarts.
In the dark.
By Sirius.
The one person he had already humiliated himself in front of quite enough.
"I-I think I can walk," he whispered.
Sirius, who had kept his eyes focused on the space ahead of them, glanced down at him and frowned.
Instead of lowering Remus to the floor, he clutched him tighter and nodded at the corridor ahead as if to say "we're almost there…why not let me carry you the rest of the way?"
Remus thought he must be even more tired than he realized because he did not argue.
When they reached the portrait hole, Sirius lowered him to the floor and stepped back to let him go through first. The black-haired boy kept a gentle hold on Remus' arm to keep him steady.
As soon as they crossed the threshold, they were both bathed in the light of the common room fire.
Remus could feel Sirius' gray eyes studying every detail of his face again and he very nearly gasped aloud when he caught sight of the older boy's stony expression. He watched the muscle in Sirius' jaw jump before the boy raised a hand to lightly trace his cheek.
Oh. That.
"Who did this?" Sirius asked quietly.
Remus shook his head in response.
"I could have stopped him if I'd wanted to, Sirius…or hit him back."
He felt pathetic enough after having been carried back to the common room…he wasn't about to tell on Shanks to Sirius with the hope that the other boy might avenge him.
He watched attentively as Sirius reached for his hands and took them gently in his own.
The boy turned them over and traced his thumbs over Remus' knuckles.
"But you didn't," he observed.
The gray eyes were searching his face again and Remus turned away.
He was not going to lie. He hadn't done anything.
Brawling, he knew, would not have solved the problem. If anything, it might have made Shanks even angrier and who knew what he would do then?
Sirius sighed and stepped back.
"You're tired, Remus," he said softly. "You should get some sleep."
Remus felt startled, worried even.
That was it? Were they going to bed without saying anything else?
"Sirius, I…," he started.
They stood staring at each other at the foot of the steps leading up to the dorms.
"Thank you…for bringing me back."
Sirius did not say anything but wordlessly reached for him and they carefully embraced one another.
"You're alright, aren't you Remus?" he asked softly.
Remus nodded but he felt his hands grasp tightly to the front of the boy's robes.
He hadn't even realized he'd grabbed them.
"Does the offer still stand, Sirius?" he whispered.
It was not a good idea, Remus knew that, but he didn't want to part with the other boy again. Not yet.
The strong arms tightened around him and he felt Sirius sigh into his hair.
"Yes."
Remus could not see a thing.
He knew exactly where he was though.
After Sirius had led him up to the temporarily empty sixth year dormitory – and then to his bed – he had left Remus alone for awhile.
Despite the fact that he'd said he needed a quick shower before he could sleep, Remus wondered if the boy was just giving him a chance to flee back to his own room if he changed his mind.
He hadn't.
After donning the pajamas he obtained from his own dormitory, he had slid between Sirius' cool sheets and turned onto his side. Even without the boy himself there, Sirius' scent was all over the pillows and blankets.
Remus found it incredibly comforting.
Despite having a dozen things on his mind – or perhaps because of it – it hadn't taken long for him to fall asleep curled up in the boy's bed.
As he lay there silently, now awake, he realized that he had not even woken when Sirius had finally joined him.
How long ago was that? he wondered.
He turned carefully onto his side to face where he knew Sirius lay. He could sense the other boy next to him and he fought down the urge to shift closer.
Guilt. Desire. Regret. Shame. Affection. Fear.
Remus could not settle on one emotion but he found that, in the dark, certain ones were becoming more dominant than others.
It was as if it might not all be real when he could not see what he was doing. Just another dream.
In an audacious move that he could no longer attribute entirely to the wolf, he reached out blindly for the other boy. His hand came to rest against the boy's chest.
His bare chest.
Remus shuddered.
He could feel the steady beat of the boy's heart under his fingertips.
How badly had he been wanting to touch the other boy like this?
He laid there for a long time, indescribably comforted by the feeling of Sirius' heart beating beneath his hand.
What if he never had another chance to do this?
The thought left him feeling unsettled.
After awhile, Remus began slowly trailing his fingers down past the hard, broad chest, and over the smooth, flat stomach. He wanted to memorize the boy's body in case it was the last time.
Sirius let out a low, shaky sigh under his ministrations and one of his large hands covered Remus' own – stilling his movement.
Was he awake?
Still emboldened by the darkness that the night and the bed curtains had provided him with, Remus leaned closer until his lips touched the place his hand had rested against the boy's chest.
Just above his heart.
"Sirius," he mouthed against the skin.
Driven by instinct, he pressed light kisses across the expanse of Sirius' chest and down, down, down, until his lips hit the top of the boy's boxers.
He nearly stopped there…contented with having the taste of Sirius lingering on his lips…satisfied with having secretly marked the other boy with his kisses.
But something urged him on further.
A scent.
Heavy. Familiar. Intoxicating.
Sirius was aroused. He could tell.
Having been barely able to ignore his own body's reaction to their sleeping arrangements, Remus shuddered with the knowledge that Sirius, too, was not unaffected.
With his left hand still encompassed by one of Sirius', he shifted down the bed and let his lips ghost over the waistband of Sirius' boxers.
It did not take long for him to find what he was searching for.
His chin bumped against Sirius' hardness – causing his own arousal to twitch in excitement – and the boy groaned quietly.
He was still not completely awake.
Remus hesitated. Surely, he should wait to explore until he'd had the boy's permission…?
He did not have a chance to ponder the question for long.
With another quiet groan, Sirius had lifted his hips slightly – seeking contact – and Remus lowered his mouth without question to comply.
With only the thin layer of cloth between his lips and Sirius' hardness, Remus let his mouth trace lightly over the fabric that was now stretched taught over the boy's full arousal.
"Remus," the boy breathed.
Remus pulled his hand from Sirius' and curled his fingers under the elastic of the boxers.
The boy raised his hips obligingly and Remus tugged the material gently down the lean legs – finally freeing the boy's erection to the cool air…to Remus' lips.
He let the tip of his tongue trail from the base to the tip several times, trying to imagine what Sirius' length would look like in the light.
Every few seconds, when his tongue would reach the top, Remus would catch a salty drop of the boy's arousal.
At first, he did not mind the teasing samples that were left for him. The taste was foreign and new – and each little drop sent a thrill straight through him.
But after a few more strokes of his tongue against the hard flesh, he found he wanted more of it.
He stopped using just the tip of his tongue and lapped eagerly at the head of the boy's shaft – trying to coax it to release more of the salty fluid.
He heard Sirius' breath catch in his throat and, emboldened by the response, Remus sucked the tip of the boy's length into his warm mouth –
– only to have it pulled from there mere seconds later.
Startled, Remus sat up quickly and stared into the dark space where he imagined Sirius' face was.
Had he done something wrong?
"Sirius?" he whispered.
The boy was breathing hard and when he finally spoke Remus thought he could hear the slightest tremor in the deep voice.
"Remus, what are you—what were you?" he paused."I wasn't dreaming that time."
That time?
Remus bit his lip and found that he was once again grateful for the darkness that surrounded them.
"No, you weren't dreaming, Sirius."
He listened to the boy take in a deep breath and let it out slowly.
"It's nearly dawn, isn't it?" the boy whispered at length. "Maybe we should try to get some more sleep."
From what he could tell by the scent, Sirius' desire had not abated in the slightest.
Remus swallowed down the disappointment he felt at the boy's words and, after a softly murmured agreement, he stretched back out on the bed with his back to the taller boy.
"'Night, Sirius," he said quietly.
He closed his eyes and tried to ignore the pulsing ache between his legs.
Sirius was right. He should at least try to get some more sleep.
He felt the boy's breath tickle the hairs on the back of his neck.
"Remus."
His eyes flew open – not that it made much difference – and he wondered for awhile if he'd imagined hearing his name fall from Sirius' sweet lips.
He started to tremble weakly when he felt fingers tentatively trail along the back of his neck.
"Gods Remus…that felt good."
Remus swallowed hard and waited a moment before turning over to face the other boy.
He wished he could see the boy's face without having to reveal his own.
"I could do it some more," he offered quietly, blushing at the huskiness of his own voice.
Sirius shivered.
"No."
Remus reached out and touched the boy's chest again.
"How about…?"
He let his fingers roam down slowly until they reached the boy's hardness. He closed his hand firmly around it.
Remus could tell that Sirius was trying – and failing – to keep his breathing even.
"No," the boy said again.
Even as he whispered the word, Sirius' hips gave an involuntary thrust into his tight grip.
Remus leaned in until he could feel Sirius' breath puffing out against his lips.
"Sirius?" he breathed.
He knew he would not be able to keep the hurt out of his voice.
"Why don't you want me to touch you?"
Sirius let out another shaky breath.
"Merlin, Remus…if you only knew—"
But the boy interrupted his own explanation when he leaned in to capture Remus' lips in a hungry kiss.
Their tongues lapped impatiently at one another until Remus thought he might finish just from the taste of the other boy's mouth.
One of Sirius' hands grasped his hip unexpectedly and tugged him closer until their hard lengths pressed together roughly—perfectly.
They both exhaled sharply at the sensation and began rubbing urgently against one another – reveling in the friction they created.
When Sirius began whispering his name over and over – as if marveling at what they were doing – Remus felt himself clutch even more tightly to Sirius. He pressed his lips against the soft skin of the boy's neck and he sucked lightly at a sensitive spot he found there.
It felt animalistic, primitive, to be moaning and grunting as they thrust against one another so feverishly.
Remus felt his climax approach without warning.
He tore his mouth away from the boy's neck just in time to sigh his release into Sirius' parted lips.
Sirius moaned at the fluid that was spilled between them.
"Remus," he panted finally. "Forgive me."
With a final thrust and another deep groan, Sirius climaxed against him.
He did not pull away until morning came.