A/N – I finally got my inspiration back – something to do with the holidays, I think! For those who are still with me, I edited the entire story. Some chapters changed more than others but it is not necessary to go back and reread anything. The biggest change I made is that Remus transferred to Hogwarts in his fifth year, not his fourth - I needed him to be slightly older. As a result, Terry is now in his fifth year as well. ;-) Sirius is still in his sixth year though. I'm hoping this doesn't create too much confusion...
Happy (late) Thanksgiving!
The Comfort of Knowledge, Chapter 20
"Remus," he panted finally. "Forgive me."
It felt unnaturally cold in the room.
The cool sheets on his bed seemed unwilling to absorb any of his heat. Remus shivered and tugged the bedding up over his shoulder.
He had been dreaming of Sirius again.
It was no wonder he felt cold waking up alone in Derbyshire.
His father's house, whether by accident or intent, was always cold. Even in what should have been the warmest month of summer, the air inside the house still felt damp and chilly.
Remus closed his eyes.
He had not seen his father since before he'd transferred to Hogwarts but he still felt the man's presence – stifling and inescapable – wherever he went.
Soon his father would be back in England.
The thought sent a shiver through Remus.
He could not allow himself to dwell on that right now.
As had been the case for the majority of the summer, the only thing strong enough to distract Remus from the impending disaster was the memory of his last night spent with Sirius.
When they had parted in the early hours of the morning, both of them blushing and silent – the proof of what they had done lying between them – Remus had instantly made up his mind to avoid any further contact with the older boy for the remainder of the school year.
Avoiding the temptation to return to Sirius' bed – to his arms – had been no simple task though.
Fortunately for Remus, the handsome sixth year had not sought him out and in the end, they did not exchange more than a few quick glances before it was time for them to board the Hogwarts Express.
Although strangely disappointed not to be pursued by the older Gryffindor, Remus had known it was for the best.
The fact of the matter was he was not always in control of his actions when Sirius was around.
Even now, the memory of being held tightly to Sirius' warm body still had the odd effect of creating a hunger within him that had yet to be satisfied.
Remus sighed.
This was why he needed to keep his distance from the older boy. When he was with Sirius, Remus felt unpredictable and wild – two things he could not afford to be. Not now, when he needed his thoughts to be focused and rational.
His Aunt's last letter to him had told him, in no uncertain terms, that he should not return to Hogwarts for his sixth year.
That he should run.
Remus knew that it would not be long before the dark wizards revealed themselves – their numbers had been increasing for years.
Soon they would no longer lurk in the shadows.
Remus had provided Dumbledore with what information he possessed but he knew that his father had been careful not to reveal too much about their plans. Perhaps his father had sensed his aversion to the dark arts.
That did not mean that the man did not have plans for him too though.
Remus knew that if he wanted to survive the next year then he had to be prepared for what was going to happen when his father returned from abroad.
His aunt was right – it would be inviting danger to return to Hogwarts…but where else could he go?
It was only a matter of time before his father came for him. He might as well wait someplace that he liked. Someplace that he felt safe.
Someplace near Sirius.
His hand clutched the cold sheet below him.
It wouldn't matter if he did not get to talk to Sirius…to touch him. Remus would be soothed by the mere fact that they were in the same building again.
Instantly, Remus felt the wolf stir inside of him at the thought.
No.
He was lying to himself.
Being in the same building as Sirius would not be enough.
He knew that the wolf had been angry at their separation. It had wanted more of the other boy. It had wanted to claim him, to mark him as one of its pack.
The only desire of the wolf in regard to Sirius had been one of possession. Mine.
Mine.
Remus shivered again when he realized how strong that desire was.
The wolf's thoughts were beginning to meld with his own.
He shifted uncomfortably.
Remus did not know if he would be able to suppress the beast inside of him in the upcoming months. Not when all he wanted to do was savor the dwindling moments in time before their world was turned upside down.
He wished he could stay with Sirius and forget it all – erase what he knew and replace it with new memories of being held…of being safe.
Remus clenched his jaw.
How he hated being there in his father's house.
Ten days.
Just ten more days of this and then he would be back on the train to Hogwarts.
To warmth.
To Sirius.
The compartment was blissfully quiet.
Resting his forehead against the glass, Remus stared out the window of the Hogwarts Express as it sped through the countryside.
He had slipped onto the train as surreptitiously as he could manage but he knew that he had not escaped notice entirely.
Thankfully none of the Ravenclaws who had waved excitedly at him as he loaded his trunk had seen fit to follow him to the compartment at the far end of the train.
Remus was grateful for the solitude. He knew that he would not have much of it once he returned to school.
The fear that had settled deep within him in the previous months was becoming more and more difficult for him to ignore. The only thing comforting him now was the thought of Sirius being somewhere on the train…finally close to him again.
Had the older boy even thought of him? Would he have forgotten their connection? Moved on? Lost interest?
Remus closed his eyes.
It should not matter…but it did.
With the full moon approaching once again, Remus found it was becoming harder to remain resolute in his decision to keep his distance.
Even if Sirius was no longer interested in him, Remus was not so sure that he could resist pursuing the raven-haired boy. Remus wanted his scent. He wanted another taste of the forbidden.
He clenched his jaw when he thought of how the older boy had felt up against him – hard…warm.
Well, he certainly hadn't lost interest in Sirius. He wanted him desperately...craved the taste of him.
Not to mention, the wolf positively howled at the thought of having the boy under him again.
It wanted to lick, bite, mark, claim.
It was as if the wolf sensed the impending destruction of peace and it wanted Sirius now…before it was too late.
Remus' thoughts were interrupted by the click of the latch on the door to the compartment.
Quickly lifting his forehead from the glass, he turned – expecting to find the face of one of the Ravenclaws who had spotted him getting on the train.
Instead, his eyes were drawn to movement closer to the floor.
A wet, black nose sniffed rapidly at the small opening to the compartment before a large, furry paw helped slide the door open further.
Remus felt an unexpected smile quirk his lips at the sight of the huge black dog padding its way into the room. Although he could see that its gaze was fixed intently on him, the light did not illuminate the color of its eyes.
The dog stalked towards him slowly, its head tilted to the side as it studied his face.
Without a thought, Remus held out his hand for the animal to sniff.
Following the brief, almost distracted inhalations of his scent, the dog let out a loud bark and, tail wagging, jumped up to place his paws on Remus' shoulders.
It was heavy.
Remus laughed quietly and reached up to rake his fingers through its thick fur.
"Who do you belong to?"
The wet nose nudged his cheek and Remus laughed again.
"Friendly, aren't you?"
Big eyes blinked at him once before the big dog moved to jump up on the seat beside him.
It immediately settled its large head on his lap.
Remus smiled and rested a hand on the dog's head, turning to stare out the window again as he absently scratched behind its ears.
Allowing himself to become mesmerized by the changing colors of the trees, Remus found that it was not long before the worry settled within him again.
How much longer would it be before the peace vanished altogether?
Remus could sense what was coming.
Darkness recognizes darkness, his father had once said.
He shut his eyes tightly.
A war was coming.
The wet nose nudged his hand again but he did not notice.