Ch 14: Talk to Me

~ Bella's POV~

"I have a question." Angela glanced over at me, a look of unveiled concern on her face.

"Ut oh." I commented biting my lip.

It was a Saturday night and we were sitting on her bedroom floor after having a long day of just girl time. We had missed doing much of that over the past weeks, since she had starting dating Ben, and my crazy-ass relationship with Edward began.

Time seemed to fly so quickly that I could hardly believe that Edward and I had been 'seeing' each other for almost a month. Things had just been too easy. Too wonderful. And I was so far beyond gone. The way he made me feel was indescribable.

I think Angie was going through a similar thing, because neither of us had made a great attempt to spend time together outside of school, or parties the boys dragged us to. But today I had put my foot down and insisted we have a day, just the two of us. Angie had thankfully been just as excited about it as I was.

We had spent the whole day being pals. Getting coffee, walking on the beach, sharing stories. She had dished about her feelings for Ben, and how amazing he was. I was so happy for her.

Looking at her now though I wondered what was on her mind.

"You and Edward, you've had sex." It wasn't a question, but I nodded. Oh yes, we had sex. So, so much sex. All if it incredible. Angela had known since the weekend after. She hadn't been too pleased, but she didn't lecture me about getting too close, so there was that at least.

"Ben and I… well we haven't."

I wanted to be surprised, but really I wasn't. Angela was shy by nature and kind of old fashioned. Part of me imagined she'd be a virgin on her wedding night.

"Okay." I said gently, trying to be supportive. "He's not pressuring you for sex, is he? Because I will chop off bru-bra's balls."

I wasn't kidding.

Angela smacked her forehead giggling.

"No! And you better keep away from my man's parts."

"Well if he keeps them in his pants, there won't be a problem."

She laughed and shook her head, cheeks blushing.

"But what if I don't want him to keep it in his pants?"

I felt my eyes widen.

"No?!" I gasped. "Ohh you better call the preacher, Angela wants to get laid!"

She slapped a hand over my mouth quickly giving me a glare.

"Christ! My parents could have heard that!" She looked towards the door, but we both knew there was no way the Weber's would have heard. Angela's room was on the complete opposite side of the house.

"Well holy crap. I just can't hardly believe it." Her face looked confused and sad, which in turn made me feel confused and sad. "What's wrong? This is a good thing. This means you really like him."

She didn't look encouraged.

"I'm just not sure how to feel. I want him Bella. Oh God, I want him so badly. When we kiss, I just want to rip all his clothes off and forget everything."

I nodded, understanding the feeling completely.

"That's usually a good sign."

She rolled her eyes at me.

"How far have you gone with him?"

Her blush was immediate.

"Umm, we've made out, a lot. No shirts. And umm…" her blush deepened and I loved how embarrassed she was.

"He fingered you?" I added after a minute. She turned scarlet. "Awesome!" I high-fived her.

"Honey there is nothing to be embarrassed about. As long as he made you feel good. He did make it feel good right?"

Her eyes went all dreamy and I knew the answer.

"Yes. God Bella. I mean you know I'm a virgin, and that I've never done anything like that before. But it was so perfect. The first time, he was gentle and constantly made sure it was what I wanted. And his fingers," she sighed contentedly, making me want some fingers in my own pants.

"Ugh, you're turning me on." I teased. She smirked.

"Pay back for all the stuff you've told me in the past!"

I laughed knowing she was right. Though to be fair I hadn't told her much of anything about Edward. Only that it happened.

"Okay. So let me get this straight. You like him. He likes you. You want him, and he wants to pleasure you. Where is the problem again?"

She groaned throwing herself back on the floor.

"I tired to tell him I was ready to have sex and he freaked out."

Okay, that was unexpected.

"Freaked out how, exactly?"

She threw her hands up in the air.

"We've been, touching," I cracked a smile, knowing how hard that must have been for her to say. "Not a ton, but enough. And after, I just wanted him so badly. And I told him that, then he froze up. I thought he was gonna throw up or something."

I nodded calmly.

"Maybe he's not ready." I suggested, and she groaned.

"I know. And I feel bad for wanting it because of that."

I thought for a moment.

"Angie, have you tried to talk to him about it?"

She lifted herself up of other floor shaking her head.

"Just in bed, the one time. I've been afraid to bring it up again. And since then he won't even go in my shirt." Her voice was so dejected.

"He's probably just nervous. I can't imagine being in a guy's shoes, knowing that he really likes you and doesn't want to hurt you. That's a lot of pressure. And I'm sure he's trying not to give mixed signals."

Angie groaned again.

"What do I do? I mean if he's not ready for sex, that's fine. But our make out sessions have been so… lackluster lately." She looked at a loss.

"I think the first thing you need to do is just talk to him. Have him tell him you how he feels, but be clear about what you want too. And I don't mean to say to pressure him, don't do that. But just make sure he knows what your limits are, ask him his."

"You make it sound easy."

I shrugged.

"I mean you either tell him, make him talk to you about it, or you continue to feel frustrated and him feel scared as hell. Which sounds terrible if you ask me."

"I know you're right. I just don't want to do it."

That I couldn't help her with.

"I understand. I really do."

Her gaze turned to look at me deeply.

"You're getting deep with Edward too aren't you?"

I wanted to deny it, but I could never lie to Angie.

"Yes." I sighed.

"Are you gonna tell him how you feel?" I heard pointed note in her tone. If I was telling her to talk to Ben, I should be willing to do the same with Edward.

"This feels just a little different Ange. I mean you know Ben wants you. With Edward, it's… complicated."

Her brow rose telling me exactly how she felt about that excuse.

"So you're content to be scared and just what, let him go later?"

I had already been thinking about that. Every moment with Edward was blissful torture. I had him, but I didn't.

"No." I sighed. "I'll probably call it off."

That surprised her.

"You'd really do that? You wouldn't even try to find out how he feels about you?" She looked at me like I had lost my mind. I kind of agreed with her.

"I already know how he feels about me. That was never a question. I just wasn't expecting to get so carried away." And I really had. Angela looked at me with heartbroken eyes.

"Bella. People change. You don't know that's how he feels anymore. Or if he ever even felt that way. You could have been mistaken."

I shook my head, some of the old memories playing in my mind.

The sneer in his voice, the anger.

I breathed deeply, calming my mind, reminding myself it was okay. Angie was watching me with sad eyes.

"I wish that was the case, but Edward hasn't even hinted at wanting anything more. Either way, I'm not making any decisions right now. And I don't want you feeling bad for me. I want you to focus on you and Ben."

She looked like she might say something but then she closed her mouth and nodded.

"Now." I mentioned shooing her.

"Now?" Her voice was confused.

"Yes. As in call him now. Have him come over."

Her eyes widened.

"But.. my parents."

I rolled my eyes.

"Live a little Ange. Jeeze, the back door is right beside your room, not to mention you have a perfectly good window for sneaking. I would know."

She cracked a grin no doubt thinking of all the times I had come through said window.

"What about you?" I could tell it was just a formality, she really wanted to see him.

"Hey we had all day, and most of tonight. I'll stick around until he shows up. Now call that boy or I will."

She looked nervous but did as I said.

I chuckled as I heard the sass in her voice. I guess Ben was having doubts about coming over, but at least Ange was having none of it. She walked out of the room, I assume to not have me in earshot. I could have laughed, Ange could be so shy.

"See you in ten." She snapped the phone closed coming back in the room, before giving me a look of 'what have I done?'

"Breathe. It'll be fine. Just be honest, he's crazy about you Ange. You just need to get on the same page is all."

She nodded. And I stayed until we heard a light tap on the window.

To my surprise Ben and Edward were standing outside. I threw Ange a dirty look. She gave me a guilty smile.

"He couldn't leave his truck here. Edward offered to drive."

Mhmm.

I opened the window letting Ben crawl through. He blushed looking at Ange.

"Talk." I warned to both of them, before sliding out the way Ben had just come. "Teenage love birds." I mumbled under my breath.

Edward's chuckle drew my eyes to him in the dark. He was leaning against the side of the house watching me.

"Playing matchmaker Swan?"

"They're already matched." I reminded him.

I walked beside him to his car which had been parked at the end of the drive.

When we got inside, I looked over, he was watching me.

"You know what's going on?" His eyes cut to the house.

"They just need to talk about some stuff." He rose a single brow.

"Ange mentioned I should do the same with you."

I felt my mouth fall open.

That sneaky little bitch.

"Can we maybe get out of here?" I asked before he could say anything. Ask anything.

He paused, watching me, but nodded and took off.

I wondered if was taking us home, but soon realized that was not the case. Instead we found ourselves at the same park Ange and I visited. It made me smile.

"You look happy."

I gave him a curious look.

"Did Ange tell you to take me here?"

His brows drew in confused.

"No. Why?" I looked out over the area, itching to hop in the swing.

"It's our talking spot. We used to come here a lot and chat for hours."

His expression was unreadable.

"Wanna swing?" His smile was hesitant and didn't quite reach his eyes. But I left the car anyways. I threw off my shoes, reveling in the feel of sand between my toes as I made it over to the swing set. Edward was just behind me.

"I love this." I sighed contentedly after a moment.

"Swings and sand make you that happy?" There was genuine curiosity in the question.

"Yeah. I guess they do."

I leaned my head back to look up at the moon high above as I glided back and forth.

"Bella?"

The simple way he called my name, I knew I had to look over at him. Slowly. I turned my head.

"Yeah?"

His expression was unreadable as he looked at me.

"What happened to us?"

Any lightheartedness I was feeling came stuttering to a halt. So did my swing.

There was no mistaking what he was talking about. Only I wasn't sure how to go there.

"Life." I whispered after a long moment. His brow furrowed as he watched me. "Things changed quickly that summer. And when it was over, I wasn't the same person going into it."

The wind blew between us, and I imagined it taking me away from the pain.

"Because your parents divorced?" His confusion in the question was evident. As if he knew somehow that couldn't be all it was.

"That was a huge part of it." I swallowed thickly remembering. "They fought a lot. Not every day, but enough. I always thought they loved each other enough to overcome it. I was wrong."

Edward was quiet for a moment.

"You never said anything."

I looked over, he was watching me sadly.

"It hurt to think about. And when I was playing with you, I didn't have to. We'd stay in our world of make-believe and everything was perfect." Or at least I thought it was.

"What changed?"

That was harder to answer.

"Fighting got worse. And that summer, they had an especially bad argument. They shipped me off to camp pretty quickly, I didn't have a say. I found out later it was so they could get a divorce. I didn't even know until after I got back."

Edward sucked in a sharp breath. I looked over to see pain in his eyes.

"I didn't take it well." I admitted.

"I'm sorry Bella." The sincerity in his voice had me looking up again. His eyes were so intense.

"It's not your fault. They were just a bad match. And it was for the best."

He didn't look satisfied.

"What?"

"I understand that your parents splitting up was huge, but I don't get why you shut me out. It was like one day we were best friends and the next you wouldn't even speak to me. Was that it though? You couldn't deal because of your parents?"

I should have figured that was coming and I heard the note of disbelief in his voice. I couldn't look at him when I spoke.

"No. It wasn't the real reason." My voice was quiet, and I could tell he stilled beside me. "I thought it was what you wanted."

Saying those words was so much harder than I ever thought it would be.

"Why?" His voice was almost tortured sounding. I couldn't help my glance in his direction. His eyes were large, looking at me in complete incredulity.

Taking a breath, I knew there was no avoiding what was to come.

"You remember the party your mom threw at end of eight grade?"

His brows drew in, as if he was trying to see how it was connected.

"Yeah. You never showed." There was hurt there. Only I couldn't understand why.

"Yes and no." I commented looking away. "I was on my way over, when I heard you talking with Jasper and Emmett on the other side of the fence. I was just gonna stick around to try to scare you guys, but then you started talking… about me."

My eyes darted over, and I saw the moment of realization as it hit him.

"You know what they say about eavesdroppers…" I trailed off with a shrug that wasn't quite nonchalant.

"Fuck Bella." His voice was a whisper.

The memory was clear as day in my head.

The sun was bright overhead, and the laughter of teenagers was on the air. I felt excited, full of energy as I made my way over to the gate.

Much to my delight I could hear Edward talking on the other side of the fence. Maybe I could jump out and scare him!

I creeped quietly over, getting ready to pounce and yell, when I heard my name.

"...about Bella." Edward's voice was annoyed. I stopped in my tracks, waiting.

"Come on E, you can't lie to us." Emmett joked.

"I'm not interested in her!" The words were vehement, and shot right through my heart.

"Okay. Surree. Because you only see her every day." Jasper joined in, teasing.

"What am I gonna do, tell her to stop living next door?" I could practically hear the eye roll. "We're neighbors. Nothing else."

I knew he was just feeling defensive because he was getting teased, but the words caused my heart to pang.

"Dude you two have been glued at the hip since birth," Emmett countered.

Edward let out an exasperated sigh.

"Yeah well, maybe I don't want to be anymore. Do you have any idea how annoying it is to always have her around? Maybe I'd like to have a life without her in it."

My breath caught and tears immediately came to my eyes.

I knew I should have moved away. I should have left, but I couldn't make my feet move. I was glued to the spot as pain radiated through me.

"That's cold E," Jasper said quietly.

"Well I think it's bullshit anyways. If you don't want her around, why don't you say something?"

"Like I can?" Edward commented with resentment in his tone. "She doesn't shut up for five seconds to get a word in."

The world was spinning, and I felt like I couldn't breathe.

"Fuck man. You're being a real dick." Jasper told him, anger in his tone. "Bella's a sweetheart, and she deserves better."

"It's not like I'd say that to her face. I'm not cruel, I just don't want to be her little playmate anymore."

At that I did move away. I couldn't take hearing anymore. Quietly as I could, I went back the way I came.

And I promised myself I'd never bother him again.

Caught up in the memory, I didn't notice Edward had come to stand in front of me. He looked in my eyes and dropped to his knees, placing his palms flat on mine.

"You remember everything I said that day. Don't you." I hesitantly nodded, his eyes were pained. "I am so sorry you heard that Bella."

Though the emotion inside was strong, I didn't cry.

"You didn't mean for me to."

He shook his head.

"Would you believe me if I told you that everything I said was a lie?"

I wanted to believe him, but my heart was hesitant.

"You don't have to apologize for something that happened a while ago."

His head was shaking again.

"Yes, I do. You didn't deserve to hear those things. I didn't mean them, and I should never have said them."

I swallowed around the lump in my throat.

"I get it, I really do. You were feeling defensive and said some stupid shit. I should have confronted you, but instead I chose to be hurt and walk away."

He opened his mouth to say something, but I placed a finger over his lips.

"It's the past now. Nothing we can say or do is going to change it."

He didn't argue, but instead kissed the finger I had over his lips. It spread warmth through me. I knew that right now, what I really needed, was him.

"Take me home?"

Saying nothing, he lifted me from the swing and carried me to the car.

AN: This has been a long time coming. There will be more, but this is first sort of peak into Bella's actions and motivations.

Hope you guys enjoyed!