Ch 15: The Other Side

~ Edward's POV~

I absently traced lines with my fingertips as I looked down over the sleeping figure sprawled across my chest. From the angle I could see the deep circles under her eyes, telling me she suffered more than a few sleepless nights. But at least right now in my arms, she was utterly relaxed and seemingly content.

She was exhausted, rightfully so considering I had taken her flesh over and over. Like I had to prove how much I wanted her, needed her. That whatever the past had taught us was a lie and only what was between us now was real. I had to show her how I worshipped the ground she walked on. To make her forget anything else.

Thinking about how much pain I caused made my stomach clench.

"…but then you started talking… about me."

I felt breathless. Completely and totally shocked.

"You know what they say about eavesdroppers…"

Nothing could have prepared me to find out she'd overheard me that day. And I wanted nothing more than to take it all back.

I saw the hurt as she re-lived the memory. I watched as the events unfolded on her face. There was no mistaking what she saw, because I saw it too.

How I discounted what she meant to me. How I'd spoken so cruelly about not needing or wanting her in my life.

My grip tightened around her now, pulling her closer to me. The ghost of a smile on her lips did little to assuage the aching in my chest.

I'd wanted to explain, wanted to tell her why I'd said such lies.

Because they were.

There wasn't an ounce of truth in anything I said that day. But she had come to her own conclusions, wrong though they were.

"I get it, I really do. You were feeling defensive and said some stupid shit."

Part of me wanted to be angry she thought so little of me. That I'd be willing to tear her down because my friends were giving me a hard time about liking her. But it wasn't the truth, or at least, not the whole truth.

Yet the only person I was angry at was myself.

I had caused every bit of my own heartache, and hers.

The thought was eating me up inside.

That she believed all these years that I didn't like her. That I'd seen her as some annoying kid who didn't know she wasn't wanted. And she had to endure all of that alone while watching her parents' marriage fall apart.

I wanted to rage against the injustice of her suffering. A suffering I'd had a hefty hand in.

It was a miracle she was even with me now. That she was willing to let our friendship re-bloom in wake of the wreckage I'd caused.

And I wondered what that meant.

Was she just letting the past go? So she could have peace and move on? I clenched my jaw hating how much I deserved it, and praying it wasn't the case.

"I can hear you thinking." Sleepy words mumbled against my chest.

Startled, I looked down.

Bella was still resting her head against my shoulder, eyes closed, face relaxed. I wondered for a short moment if imagined her speaking.

But then her eyes slowly opened to gaze at me knowingly.

"You can hear my thoughts huh?" I whispered back, tenderly brushing a lock of hair from her face.

She nodded into my shoulder.

"You're beating yourself up."

I winced. She wasn't wrong.

"I know you don't want to hear it, but I need to tell you why."

I thought she might argue, but instead she reached up a hand to stroke my cheek.

"Will it make you feel better?"

I turned my face to kiss her palm. It was just like her to be more concerned with what I needed than what she deserved.

"Probably not." I conceded. "But it's something I need to say."

She looked deeply at me before nodding. Letting me know she was willing to listen to whatever I needed to get off my chest. I realized how messed up that was, because if anything she should have been the one to make me listen to what she needed.

"Do you still believe what you heard me say that day?" It was the first thing I needed to address. I could argue until I was blue in the face about why I'd said it, but if she thought it was true then nothing else would matter.

Her brows drew in as she contemplated.

"I guess the part of me that is still hurt by it, still thinks it's true." I flinched at her admission. It was no less than what I deserved.

"But-" I looked over with anticipation. "A bigger part of me has started to accept that sometimes we say stupid things when we're mad. Especially thirteen-year-old boys who are getting teased about having a crush on their best friend."

Hope flared in my chest, though I was tortured by how much pain I had caused her.

"Why did it bother you so much?" She gnawed on her lip as if she hadn't meant to ask the question. It was almost laughable; she was worried about asking too much when I owed her so much more.

"Bella," her eyes darted up to mine, "it didn't bother me that they thought I liked you."

Her brows furrowed deeply, as if she couldn't grasp what I meant.

"Do you remember the last day of school?" Her nod was slow, confused. "You remember how everyone was giving their crushes those stupid notes?"

Memory danced across her eyes and I could have sworn a light blush spread across her cheeks. She gave a small laugh.

"God, it was like a life or death thing."

I understood exactly what she meant. With the impending move to high school, everyone had broken out with the desire to confess their love to one another. But they had been too chicken to do it face to face. So instead, a sea of notes emerged, with their proclamations of adoration written down and passed around.

"I saw you give a note to Riley." I confessed watching her face.

Her brows shot up first, then she quickly sat up. The sheets pooled around her waist, exposing her breasts to the cool air. I felt my desire grow as her nipples tightened. I barely refrained from reaching out to caress the plump mounds.

Her eyes moved back and forth quickly as her thoughts ran wild.

"But- why would that-" she cut off looking at me thoroughly confused.

I did reach out then, to stroke her cheek.

"Because I did like you. And seeing you hand him that note, well, I guess I didn't take it too well."

Her mouth dropped open in shock.

"It wasn't from me." She blurted out in a rush. It was almost comical. Almost.

I nodded.

"Yeah. I figured that out later."

Unfortunately, too late. Riley and I had gone to the same party that summer. Even though we were friends, I was pissed. I remembered hedging around the topic, wanting to know if her liked her back. Much to both our surprise, he was completely shocked when I asked about Bella. It was then I found out Bella had simply been the messenger for her friend Kate.

"B-but- you were with Tanya?" Bella's adamant reply brought my head up. I winced again, realizing just how much that probably had cemented in her head that I didn't like her.

"Tanya was a mistake." I told her honestly. There was an unfathomable depth, and I knew she was lost. "She made it clear she wanted me. At the time I thought that you were into Riley, and I was pissed enough to act on it."

And that was the truth.

I hadn't given a damn about Tanya. The only person I'd ever had a hard on for was Bella. Even that very first night, when I'd plunged into the class slut, it was Bella in my head.

"Oh." The words were soft, and they held an edge of disbelief.

We sat in silence for a long moment. I watched as she was looking out the window, but not really seeing, caught up in her own head.

"What are you thinking?" I couldn't resist asking.

Slowly, her eyes turned towards me.

"Just processing it all, I guess." She looked so contemplative. "Why didn't you ask me?"

My gut churned at her question.

"Because I was a stupid selfish little shit head." Her brows rose. "I just liked you so much then Bella. And when I thought you wanted Riley, I felt like the world's biggest idiot."

She turned to look back out the window.

"I guess I get that. I felt the same way when I heard you talking to Em and Jazz."

I winced at that.

"It's crazy isn't it?" She spoke softly after a moment. Her eyes turned again to meet mine. "We both didn't want to stop being there for each other, yet we wound up apart anyways."

Wasn't that the awful truth.

"It's pretty shitty alright."

She gave me a rueful smile.

"It might have taken a while, but I'm really glad we had this conversation."

I wasn't sure if I felt relieved or not. I was glad I understood, but also tortured by the fact I was the one who had caused us both so much pain.

"I wish we never needed to." My soft words breathed between us as I stroked her shoulder. She watched me with understanding eyes. It was far more than I deserved. "But I guess I can't change that."

"No, but you made it a lot better by talking to me. And now we both don't have to wonder why things happened the way they did."

Even though it was true, I still couldn't help but feel amazed she was so forgiving and with me now.

"I'm surprised you don't hate me."

Her startled look told me I'd caught her off guard.

"Why would I hate you?"

I shrugged.

"I ruined our friendship by being a jealous dumbass. I'm pretty sure that entitles you hating me."

Her head was shaking immediately.

"I was upset for a while, sure, but I could never hate you E. You were more than just my friend. You were family."

I got the distinct impression by saying I was family, she meant she loved me. That thought made my chest ache in inestimable ways. No matter how much I wanted to, I wouldn't ask, not yet. Right now I felt what we both needed was a level ground to get to know each other better again. To work on our friendship first and let her see how I would be her family again.

But for now, I rose a brow and did my best to take her mind off the sadness that had developed between us.

"I didn't know you had a brother-sister kink."

Her eyes rounded as she laughed loudly at my ridiculous suggestion. And just like that, all the tension between us was gone.

I placed a hand over her mouth and gave her a stern expression.

"Better be quiet sis, don't want dad to wake up dad."

Her eyes twinkled, peaking over the edge of my fingers.

"I think you're going a little too deep into that joke."

I shrugged letting her go.

"I'd rather be too deep in you." I winked.

She snorted and rolled her eyes.

"That sounds like a corny pickup line."

"Is there any other type of pickup line?"

She opened her mouth then promptly closed it.

"Hmm. You know, now you mention it, I don't think there is."

The purely contemplative look on her face had me cracking a smile.

"But it was an especially bad pickup line. Like from a porno or something."

That had me chuckling.

"Seen a lot of porn acting huh." I teased.

She wiggled her brows at me.

"You know it." Then she laughed. "Actually, no. I mean I've seen some, but it's not really my thing." She shrugged lightly.

Somehow, I wasn't surprised she admitted to watching porn, or the fact she didn't find it all that stimulating.

"Too much for you?" I teased.

She just laughed.

"Depends on what it is. I'm not into hardcore stuff, but some nice pussy licking POV I can get down with."

The idea of her liking to watch women get eaten out was pretty fucking hot. But at the moment I was more curious about her hang-ups.

"What exactly would you consider hardcore?" I hoped anal wasn't on that list, as I still very much wanted to do that with her.

Her nose scrunched as she contemplated my question.

"Uh, just really rough sex I guess. I'm not against anything in particular, but I don't enjoy watching something that looks painful. I could be wrong, but it doesn't look like it feels good."

Okay, so that was somewhat ambiguous.

"So it's not the act itself, it's how roughly its done?"

She nodded her head.

"Yeah, I mean there are a lot of things that I think could be enjoyable if it didn't look so aggressive. Light spanking is fine, biting is fine, pulling hair is fine. But if you do it too hard, it would hurt."

I was glad she clarified, because that meant a lot more was on the table than I originally thought.

"So, apart from your partner not being an asshole that tries to cause pain, is there anything you just wouldn't want to try."

She shrugged again.

"The only thing that immediately comes to mind is choking." She grimaced. "That freaks me out and it's too easy to actually hurt someone even if they were being gentle."

I couldn't disagree with that.

"Good to know you won't try to suffocate me then."

She slapped my chest lightly, while rolling her eyes.

"At least not during sex." She grinned. "So is there a reason you want to know my limits? And by that, what I'm really asking, is there something you want to do, but you're afraid to ask?"

I hated how transparent I was, but it was probably a good thing she was so direct.

"Maybe I just want to know because we are having sex and I want to make sure I never do anything to hurt you." Her smile softened as she looked at me.

"You've never hurt me." Her words filled me with the greatest warmth. Though I felt she should have said, I'd never hurt her physically considering the emotional pain I had caused both of us these past few years.

But instead of correcting her, I took her hand and kissed her palm.

"And there isn't any other reason?" She asked after a moment. I looked up into her eyes knowing I'd never pressure her for anything.

"The only reason that matters I already said."

Her frown of displeasure was immediate.

"You're worried about pressuring me to do something you think I won't like?"

Sometimes I really did feel like she was a mind reader.

"Nothing gets past you huh?" Her smirk was soft, and her eyes were pleading that I tell her what I wanted. I sighed, knowing it was best I just tell her. "I'm interested in a few things, but mostly I was wondering if you would ever feel comfortable enough to consider having anal sex."

Her brows rose and a grin spread across her face.

"Is that all?"

Of course that was her reaction.

"I take it that means you're not opposed to the idea."

Her chuckle was immediate. And she gave a raised brow to the space between my legs.

"We'd have to go slow, but I'm not against it."

Unable to stop myself. I grabbed her to me with the intent of kissing her senseless.

A few minutes later I realized I was the one feeling dazed. Those lips were sin and boy did I want another taste.

"You keep kissing me like that, and I won't say no to anything." She joked, but her stifled yawn did not get past me.

It was really unfortunate I had nearly exhausted us both so much already, or I would have taken her again.

"I've already worn you out enough for one night, so you're safe until we're both recovered."

She laughed drowsily as I kissed her forehead.

"Mmkay. Sleep now, butt sex later."

I chuckled, and tucked her to my side, where she snuggled into me once more.

Within moments she was fast asleep a smile on her lips. And I was praying I could keep her like that forever.

AN: Sorry for the extended time to update. Grad student life man.. I haven't slept in days. But I had a break (finally!) and wanted to get this out.

Hope you enjoyed! Sorry if the transitions were a little rough, I would have worked on this more, but I figured you guys were read for an update.

Let me know what you thought and if you'd be interested in some sexy sex scenes ;)