Ch 18: We Need to Talk

~ Bella's POV~

And when the front door closed signaling Carlisle's departure, the pit in my stomach grew.

Edward's eyes bored into mine for a long moment before he spoke.

"I think we need to talk."

I knew it was coming, but I hated it regardless.

With a sigh and shake of my head I looked away.

"I'm not suicidal." My voice was resigned with defeat as I doubted he believed me.

"I know Bella."

My head popped up to look over at him in disbelief.

"You actually believe me?"

He gave me a long look before nodding his head slightly.

"I think if you were serious about killing yourself, there wouldn't have been anything left for me to save."

The words shocked me to a certain degree. Because he was right. If suicide had been my intention, I wouldn't have left so much to chance.

Still… a person could hurt themselves without wanting to end their life.

"I didn't cut myself on purpose either. For attention or whatever. It was just an accident." I clarified for my own sake.

He nodded again, baffling me even more.

"You really scared me. But, when I calmed down, I realized it looked more like a mishap than anything else."

I had been so prepared for an argument, his conceding point had me speechless.

"Oh."

Apparently, I was reduced to one syllable words. Or sounds, rather.

"Thanks for helping me, by the way." I said after a long moment of silence. "How did you know?" It wasn't exactly a change of topic, but I was curious.

He rubbed his chin as he watched me.

"I saw you pull up and you looked upset. I thought that maybe it was because of me, so I came over to talk. The door wasn't closed, and I knew something was wrong."

I nodded, it made sense, even if I was curious as to why he was home in the first place.

It was quiet between us for a moment again.

"You're probably wondering why I didn't show at the beach." I was surprised he brought it up, but I said nothing, hoping he would choose to explain. "I was planning to go, but when I came home to grab a shower, I wound up talking to my dad. I had a lot on my mind, and I sort of lost track of time."

I appreciated his explanation, even if it did make me ache. What I would give to have a meaningful conversation with my own father. I'd probably forget the rest of the world existed if that happened.

"Is that why you were upset? Because I didn't come?" His eyes were concerned.

That was a loaded question and I wasn't sure how to go about answering it.

"Not exactly." I felt my brows furrow as I looked at my shoes. "I mean I was worried you were angry at me or something, but that's not why I came home."

I played with the hem of my shirt as I considered what to say next.

"I was just talking to Jake… and he was asking about us, among other things. And it was stupid, but I got a panic attack. He didn't do anything, they happen sometimes, and it's not really anyone's fault."

I knew it wasn't exactly the whole truth, but it was far more than I would have normally been able to talk about. I was trying.

When Edward didn't say anything, I turned to look at him. His eyes were guarded.

"He's the guy you were seeing at summer camp, wasn't he?" It was more of a statement than a question. And it seemed important for him to know.

"Yeah. He is." I held my breath wondering where this conversation was now headed.

"I was thinking," when he spoke his voice was strangely casual. "This whole pretending to date thing isn't really working out for me anymore. I think we should end it, so you can do your own thing and I can do mine."

It was funny, I never could have dreamed I would be cut open twice in one night. And yet, I was certain blood must be pouring from my chest as his words pierced right through my heart.

I felt so stupid. Here I thought he might actually have feelings for me, but obviously I was wrong.

Or maybe finding out I was even more of a loser who couldn't keep her shit together made him change his mind. I mean, who wanted to be with someone who couldn't cope with reality and panicked over stupid shit?

And didn't I just tell Jacob earlier that I should end it anyways?

Wasn't this a blessing in disguise?

So why did it hurt so much?

"You okay?" His voice was oddly concerned to have just so casually broken my heart.

"Um, yeah." Lie. Pulling myself together, I gave him what I hoped was a convincing smile. "Just caught me a little off guard, but I think you're right. We probably should stop while we're ahead."

I hoped my laugh didn't sound as fake as it was.

"So you're okay with it?" He was watching me cautiously, as if waiting for me to fall into hysterics again. Maybe even to beg him to change his mind.

That pained me, but I made a promise to myself a long time ago that if I wasn't wanted, then I wouldn't try to convince anyone otherwise.

I was enough for myself and that was all that mattered.

I hoped.

"Yeah," My fake ass laughed again. "I mean it was supposed to be temporary anyways."

My shrug was nonchalant even if my feelings weren't.

He was quiet, but his posture had turned tense. Maybe that was my cue to leave?

"Well, thanks again for saving my klutzy ass. I'm gonna head home now to get some rest. I'll see you at school." My delivery was breezy and noncommittal, it probably deserved an Oscar, because boy was that a fine act.

His brows rose as I left my seat.

"You're leaving?"

I shrugged lightly.

"Yeah. I'm actually still covered in a lot of sand, which admittedly is starting to chafe." Cue laugh. "So I'm gonna grab a shower and crash for the night."

He took a step towards me, and I stopped, fearful that if he laid his hands on me, whatever performance I was managing would dissolve in a puddle of tears.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea." His eyes shot to my wrist. "And I promised my dad I'd stay with you tonight."

Oh. That.

"He's not gonna know that you didn't stay with me all night, and besides you already agreed that this was just an accident. All I'm gonna do is rinse off and go to bed. I promise to keep my phone by my side if I wake up feeling sick, but apart from being tired I feel fine."

What a load of crap. But I must have been convincing, because I could see his resolve wavering.

Somehow that almost made it hurt more.

"Really, I'll be okay. I even promise to shoot you a text when I get up, and if you don't hear from me by 10 am you can march over here and yell at me or something." I hoped it would make him laugh. He sighed instead. Still I knew I had won.

I just wasn't sure I was glad of it.

"Text me by 9 or I'll take you to the hospital." His eyes were stern.

The smirk on my face wasn't entirely forced this time.

"Deal." I nodded and headed for the exit.

"Bella?" I had just opened the door when he spoke. I turned curiously. His eyes were watching me intently. As if there was something he really needed to say.

I waited, patiently.

He sighed again.

"Hope you sleep well."

I wouldn't let myself be disappointed.

I wouldn't cry.

Instead, I gave a small smile and walked away.

…

When I woke up at 7 am the next day, I sent Edward a text letting him know I was alive and well.

A simple 'Good', was all I received.

I might have wallowed in self-pity for the rest of the day.

At least until Angela called.

I told her what happened, and she insisted I come over for waffles and girl talk.

It helped some.

The thing about Ange was she didn't judge. She just let me cry it out and told me she'd help chop off Edward's balls. It made me laugh a little.

I came back home the next day, hating how I dreaded even seeing his car in the driveway next door. This is why you shouldn't fall for your neighbor. Because you can't just move away and pretend they don't exist for a little while.

I was thankful that when I arrived, Edward didn't appear to be home. Thank God for small favors.

But it wasn't long after I entered the house that I heard a knock on my door. I cringed inside. I really didn't want to see him, but there was no way I could pretend I wasn't home.

Only when I opened the door it wasn't Edward standing there.

"Jake?"

He wore a light flannel shirt and unkempt brown hair. His smile was immediate, though a tinge of sadness was there.

"Hey Bells."

"What are you doing here?" Surprised curiosity colored my tone. Jake rolled his eyes.

"Is that how you greet all your old friends?"

I rolled my eyes in return and laughed.

"Only you."

He gave me a sheepish smile.

"I came to apologize."

I felt my expression soften, and I shook my head.

"Why don't we go out back." I stepped to the side so he could enter my house. I wondered for a moment how he even knew where I lived. Maybe he remembered my address from our old letters?

Either way I knew it didn't matter. So I walked through the kitchen to the back door that opened to a small deck with rocking chairs and a swing. I made myself comfortable on the swing, while he threw himself into one of the chairs.

"I'm really sorry Bells." He started but I held up a hand.

"Hey, it's okay. You didn't do anything wrong. I over-reacted. I should be apologizing to you."

He sighed.

"You're not gonna let me apologize, are you?"

I smiled and shook my head.

"You don't need to. Besides, I'm so happy you're here. It's been way too long that we've hung out. I wanna know everything!"

His grin was the beginning of a long conversation filled with old stories and lots of laughter.

"Told you I'd win!" I lightly slapped his arm as we laid back in the grass. We had made our way from the porch to the yard after a quick game of chase when Jake had snatched my scrunchie from my hair. Needless to say, I'm a lot faster than he remembered.

"I forgot how quick you are. You should be playing sports." He poked my side, to which I slapped his hand away.

"As clumsy as I am? Uh, no thanks." I held up my hand, motioning to my wrist. I had explained some of the mishap to him earlier. He hadn't been totally surprised.

Jake barked a laugh.

"You're right. That would be a catastrophe."

I slanted a glare in his direction. He just grinned.

"I really missed you Bells."

My heart pattered at his sweet words.

I grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly.

"Me too. I'm so glad you only live an hour away now. I can come visit you on the Rez next weekend if you want?" I asked brightly, the idea of having something to look forward to would help me make it through the week.

"Of course I want. You can meet the whole clan. I already told them how kick-ass you are at throwing knives," he snickered. The jab at my less than stellar throwing skills didn't dampen my mood though.

"Har-de-har. I might suck at that, but I can still kick your ass at ping-pong." It was a small victory, but one I held dear. He laughed at my foolishness.

"Seriously though, I'd love for you to come. You can meet Nessie finally."

My eyes brightened.

"Wait, she's here?!"

He ruffled my hair.

"At the Rez, yes. She's always lived there."

My mouth dropped open.

"I thought you met her back home, at your old school."

"Technically I did. But she was just visiting. She's from La Push."

Well hell, here I'd been only an hour from my best friend's soul mate and I never knew.

"Damn. I wish I had known sooner. I would have visited her to tell her all your dirty secrets!"

He play punched my arm, and I stuck my tongue out at him.

"I'll count my blessings." He chuckled. "You should bring Edward. He's already friends with most of the guys, and it would cool to do a double date or something."

I felt my face drop, and I looked away.

"Ut oh. What happened?" his voice was concerned.

"It's okay. We sort of called it off."

"Are you kidding me Bella? Why would you do that!?" He exclaimed angrily in my ear. I sat up and thrust a finger in his chest.

"It wasn't my decision! And don't yell at me!" The irony of my yelling at him to not yell was not lost on me.

He looked so taken aback though.

"He broke it off?" His voice was filled with disbelief, and then confusion.

Feeling a little vulnerable, I crossed my arms over my knees.

"It was only pretend anyways Jake."

"No, it wasn't." He argued softly.

"It doesn't matter. He said it wasn't working out. That he wanted to do his own thing, or something like that."

Silence strung between us for a moment.

"I'm gonna kick his ass." His voice was hard, angry.

In a near panic I jumped on top of him to straddle his chest.

"No, you most certainly are not!" I exclaimed looking down at his startled face. "You are going to stay the hell out of this. You hear me Ephraim Jacob Black? I'll sit on you for all eternity, see if I won't."

His face was stern for about a whole two seconds before he broke out laughing.

"Pipsqueak I could lift you about as easily as a pillow. You're not holding me down." I flushed slightly, but I threw my hands on my hips as I looked at him severely.

"Well I don't care. I'll make life very inconvenient then."

His chest rumbled with laughter.

"This isn't inconvenient. This is entertainment." He told me smugly.

I just continued to glare at him.

He rolled his eyes and threw his hands up.

"Fine, fine. I won't kick his ass."

But there was a glint in his eyes that I didn't trust.

"Or harm any other part of him." I added, letting him know I wasn't about to let him find a loophole.

He rose one brow, but nodded his head.

"Yes, fine. I promise I won't hurt him."

I didn't quite trust him, but he seemed to be telling the truth.

"Okay. But a promise is a promise." I stood up, effectively removing myself from his lap, and sat back down in the grass beside him.

"I hate that you're hurting Bells. You don't deserve that."

He reached out a hand to stoke my cheek. It was an intimate gesture, but also a comforting one.

"I'll be fine. Not stop worrying over me. Besides you should be getting back to Nessie. I don't want her to hate me before she's even met me."

He chuckled, shaking his head, but we stood up and walked out to the front porch.

"She's excited to meet you actually. So you'll come next weekend then?"

I nodded happily.

"Duh. Now get out of here before your girlfriend calls out the rescue squad."

"Okay! Okay, I'm leaving. But you better text me later this week. And no backing out or I'll come find you." His tone made it a promise.

"I will. I swear."

Satisfied, he kissed my cheek and sauntered off.

I just shook my head, but I couldn't deny how spending time with him lifted my spirits, even for just a little while.

As Jake backed out, I couldn't help but glance over to Edward's place. His car was in the drive, and I guessed that meant he was home.

The pieces of my heart I'd been holding together were starting to come unglued, so I walked inside before I had a meltdown on my own porch. I really didn't need Edward to witness that.

As the door closed behind me, I couldn't help but wonder how things with Edward would change. And how hard it was going to be seeing him in school. And working on that stupid project with him for the rest of the year.

I just hoped that my acting skills would hold up, and if everything went well, he would never know how much I wanted him.

…

~Edward's POV~

I resisted, though barely, from slamming my door closed.

I'd been listening to their laughter for hours. Hating him. Hating myself. Wanting her.

When he'd finally left, I thought it would lessen the tension, but it only made it worse. Because now I wondered what she was thinking.

Was she missing him?

Wishing he was still with her?

Did she crave his touch?

I'd looked across the yard several times, and it killed me to see how happy she was with him. It was like her guard was down in ways I'd never seen it.

And she was so affectionate with him, and he with her.

As much as it pained me, I knew in those moments that breaking it off was the right decision.

I had seen the way her eyes lit up when she met him on the field. They way they moved together. The unmistakable familiarity. I knew in an instant they had once been lovers.

My suspicions were basically confirmed when she mentioned they'd known each other from camp. That, and the way he looked at her.

I wanted to punch him.

And when he'd walked away, I could see the awkward look on her face. Like she was embarrassed to be caught fawning over another guy.

I was just so angry, and maybe a little defeated. I tried so hard with her. And everything seemed to be going so well. We were growing closer, and for once I felt like she was letting me in.

Then he showed up.

I knew it wasn't fair when I brushed her aside, but honestly, what did she expect from me? We weren't actually dating, and I could tell she wanted him. I just needed some time to think.

Talking with my dad later had helped at lot. I actually confided in him what was going on. He didn't like it, even suggested that one of us was going to get hurt if we kept doing what we were doing.

Of course it didn't help that Bella had come home looking upset. Nothing could have prepared me to find her on the kitchen floor, blood seeping out around her wrist.

I didn't know what to think.

Maybe I had jumped to conclusions.

It all seemed so logical at the time. But Bella's sincerity, and embarrassment helped me see past the fear. And when I really looked, I realized how little about her that I knew.

I had no idea she suffered from panic attacks, and it tore me up inside that she felt such suffering.

Pinching the bridge of my nose I sighed throwing myself back on my bed.

I had been prepared to come clean about my feelings for her. It was right there on the tip of my tongue.

But then she mentioned Jacob and their past relationship.

Whatever feelings I have for her, I realized she didn't return them. Not when it was so obvious, she was still hung up on him. So I did what I thought was right. I ended it.

But the look on her face when I told her… just a brief second of utter devastation.

I was almost sure I made it up.

Because when I pressed, she seemed… okay? Maybe her laugh was a little too bright, and the smile a little tight. But she was just so casual about it.

I worried all through the night that I had made the wrong decision. That I had overthought, and let my jealousy take over.

I decided I needed a day to clear my head. That maybe I had over-reacted, but then Bella didn't come home the next night, and I didn't want to bother her when I was still so uncertain.

When I'd made it home today, I had seen his truck in the driveway and heard their laughter echo from the backyard.

My heart ripped into pieces.

It was my own fault. I was the one who ended things.

Which apparently was the right thing to do considering not a day later, he was there.

It made me so angry. She just moved on so quickly. And here I was hung up like some lovesick puppy.

I gritted my teeth, pissed at her. Pissed at myself.

And I wondered.

How the hell was I going to make it through the rest of the year?

AN: Thanks for your patience as I slowly get these chapters out! I am well, thanks for checking in on me It's just been hectic lately, but I am still invested in this story.

Hope y'all liked this update.. ahh the drama, the heartache, the stupid jealousy!