Ch 20: Drowning: Another Perspective

~ Edward's POV~

The week spent without Bella had somehow been even harder than I expected. The first time I saw her on Monday she didn't quite look like herself. Her normally cheerful demeanor was somehow dulled, and I questioned the lack of shine.

News made it around the school pretty quickly that I had ended things with her. To my great surprise, people were shocked about it. I figured I had broken up with enough girls at this point that it would just be another day. But with Bella, it was different.

People were genuinely startled that I had let her go. That they thought we were really happy together.

In fact, I got more shit from my friends than I ever would have anticipated.

"You are a total moron and an ass," Rosalie slapped my arm roughly. I had been in the hallway, grabbing my bag from my locker when she showed up. Emmett was right behind her, looking even more pissed than his girlfriend.

"What the literal fuck Eddie? You've been pining over her for years! And what, you had her for a little while and now you don't want her anymore?" You could say Emmett was more than a little miffed for Bella.

I sighed deeply, trying not to let them get to me.

"I really don't have time for this." I tried to walk away, but Em grabbed me by my shoulders, slamming me back against my locker.

It pissed me off, but I only glowered back.

"Em." Rose warned, as if to remind him we could get in trouble for fighting.

"No. He's gonna talk." Still holding a fistful of my shirt, he leaned in. "You better start now, or I will kick your ass."

Though Emmett was a really nice guy, the kind with a big gooey center, he was also no one to fuck around with when pissed off. His threats were definitely not the empty kind.

"Was she just a fuck for you? Was that all this was?" His words snapped something inside of me.

"What do you want me to say Emmett?" I nearly growled back. "That I'm an idiot? Because you're right. I am one. Bella never wanted me. This whole thing was a stupid fucking charade. She was pretending. And I'm still so goddamn over my head in love with her that I don't even know what's up or down anymore."

Emmett's shocked face made me regret opening my mouth. I hadn't meant to spill the beans about the fake relationship. He'd just pissed me off so much.

"What the fuck do you mean she was pretending? She looked at you like you hung the fucking moon."

I wanted to believe him, I really did. But how could I?

"Yeah, well she's a fucking amazing actress." I was bitter, and I knew it wasn't really her fault. "Look, it was a deal we made. Her end was to pretend to be my girlfriend. It was stupid, I get that, but it's the truth. As much as I wanted it to be real, it wasn't, and I couldn't go on like that anymore."

Emmett slowly let me go, but he was scowling deeply and I could tell the news upset him a great deal.

"I don't know what the hell you got yourself into E, but you might want to re-think the whole she was just pretending thing. You can keep up an act for a little while, anyone can, but the way she looked at you when she thought no one else was watching, that was real. You can't fake that shit." He shook his head, obviously disappointed in me.

Rose stepped up and patted his arm, before turning to me. Her eyes were sad, but also a little understanding.

"Edward, I find it pretty hard to believe that Bella would have been willing to even pretend for a little while if she didn't have true feelings for you. She's a great person, and I don't doubt she'd be willing to do a whole lot for a friend, but this is a bit much don't you think? Obviously, I don't know what you said to convince her that you needed a fake girlfriend in the first place, but it seems to me she would have figured another way to help you out unless she felt something for you."

I swallowed thickly as I considered the possibility.

She had seemed hurt, at least initially when I broke it off. And she didn't look herself today. Was there a chance it had been as real for her as it was for me?

Then what about Jacob? And her reaction to him?

"I get what you're saying, but I really don't know. It seemed like maybe things could have gone in that direction, but after the game…" I trailed off, thinking about how things had gone then.

How happy she looked. And then later, when he was over at her house. Part of me was hurt about it, because that was something she had never shared with me. She never once asked if I wanted to come over to her place.

"Is that about Ephraim Black?" Emmett asked incredulously. I wanted to be surprised he knew that was where my mind was, but I figured it was pretty obvious since their reunion wasn't exactly private. Half the team had seen him kiss her.

"You really are an idiot." Emmett scoffed at me. "We saw him give her a peck on the cheek dude. It wasn't like he shoved his tongue down her throat in front of you."

The thought had me bristling, because at one point it had happened. And it was possible it was happening again.

"They used to date." I sighed loudly, feeling angry and helpless. Emmett did look surprised, but he was still shaking his head. "I thought she still had feelings for him, and after I broke it off, he was over at her place like a day later. Tell me that doesn't mean something!"

Rose and Emmett exchanged a glance; one that I didn't quite understand. It annoyed me.

"If you have something to say, just say it. You can stop with the weird looks."

Rose rolled her eyes at me.

"Edward, I think you might be letting your jealousy cloud your judgement on this one. I don't know what's going on with Bella and that guy, but you should talk to her and tell her how you really feel. If she turns you down then you can be all moody, but you didn't even give her a chance."

There might have been some truth in that.

"At least think about it." She grabbed Emmett's hand, tugging him towards the cafeteria.

"Get your head out of your ass Eddie. Or I'll put my foot there too." He warned before walking away.

As much as it aggravated me, I couldn't blame them for their reaction. I had been an idiot in this whole thing. I should have just asked her out, instead of playing stupid games. But I was a coward and couldn't even muster the courage to tell the one person in the universe that meant more than anything to me, how I felt.

And that was my fault.

The week continued to get harder. Every time I saw Bella, I wanted to reach out, to stop all the doubt and be real with her. But she'd just give me these polite smiles and turn away. It made me feel like I didn't matter more than any other person.

So I kept my mouth shut.

By Friday, I was pretty sure nothing was going to change and the rest of the year would be pure hell. I might have been moping around more than usual. Enough that even my team-mates felt something was off.

"Hey." Seth called, walking towards me in the locker room after practice. We were the only ones left. I had been taking my sweet time, dreading going home. I wondered why Seth was still here though.

"Sup man?" I asked shoving my dirty clothes into my gym bag.

"So, I know you probably don't wanna talk about it, but you've been really off this week. And I'm assuming this has something to do with Bella."

I tensed, but lifted my eyes to look at him. Seth was a good player, happier to follow than lead. It made him very approachable and well liked by pretty much everyone. I would say we were friends, well about as close as I got to having friends outside of Emmett.

Still, I knew he and Bella were close, and I worried briefly that he might be about to defend her honor. Or something like that. But his eyes were understanding rather than angry.

"It's been a shit week." I agreed, not really willing to say more than that at the moment.

He nodded.

"We're probably not good enough friends for it to me my place to say anything, but I think you made a mistake breaking it off with Bella."

I was surprised he was saying as much, and I didn't have the energy to brush off his words like I usually did.

"I know."

Interestingly, he didn't look surprised, instead he smiled.

"I was thinking of go hiking or something tomorrow. You wanna come? It might help take your mind off things for a little while."

Normally I didn't spend much time with Seth outside of class and football. To be honest, I rarely spent time with anyone. Even Emmett had a hard time getting me out of the house. I just didn't like to hang around a bunch of fake people.

But Seth could be pretty cool, if a bit nerdy. Maybe it would be nice to have real friendship for once.

So I did the unthinkable.

"Actually, yeah. That would be cool."

Seth nodded, still smiling.

"I'll swing by your place, say around 10?"

I nodded.

"Works for me."

"Cool. See you tomorrow."

…

"Dude, you're crazy, but yeah that sounds chill. Yeah, I'll check. Okay. Bye." Seth hung up the phone before turning to me.

"How do you feel about going to hang out by the lake? Some other friends of mine were gonna do a fire and maybe swim if the water isn't freezing balls."

We'd been hanging out for a few hours, hiking some local trails. It had been oddly relaxing. Seth would occasionally talk about the different species of plants and animals. I was surprised at how knowledgeable he was on the subject.

And we had all talked the whole time, about all manner of things. From movies, to sports, to where we were thinking of going for college. It was way more fun than I expected it to be, and I realized I was having a great time.

We'd just finished a longer hike and the prospect of chilling by a lake and fire actually sounded nice. I imagined Seth's friends were probably pretty cool too.

"Uh sure."

"Cool. Do you need me to take you back to your place for anything? I actually have towels and chairs in the back, but if you want trunks or something I we can swing by your place before we head out."

I doubted I'd get in, the weather wasn't exactly optimal for swimming.

"I'm good."

Seth smiled and we headed out.

About forty-five minutes in, I wondered what lake we were going to.

"Where the hell is this lake anyways? You taking us deep into the boonies?" I joked.

"Ha. Yeah, a little bit. It's actually on my cousin's property out in the rez."

I immediately felt my stomach drop. The rez? As in where Jacob Black lived. Great.

It was too late to back out now, and chances were we wouldn't see him anyways, so I really didn't have anything to be concerned about.

"I didn't realize you were related to the Quileute's."

"Oh, yeah. Through my grandmother. I don't know the whole story, but she had a falling out of sorts with the tribe and decided to leave. When I was little, Gran passed away and the elders decided they wanted to make peace. My dad was invited to come be a part of the clan, but he already had established a life outside of it. He did make sure I got to know my cousins though, and when I turn eighteen, I'll have the choice to join if want."

I was honestly surprised. All the years I had known Seth I never knew any of this. I mean we were playing his family every year! How had I not known that? And come to think of it, he did kind of resemble some the La Push kids. His skin wasn't quite as tanned, but he had the same dark hair and eyes.

"Will you? Join the tribe I mean."

Seth shrugged.

"I'm not sure yet. I probably will, but I plan to go off to college first and decide what I want to do."

Seemed like a good choice to me.

"So you can't be a member and live away from them?" That part was the curious bit. I mean, family was family either way, right?

"Yes and no. Technically I am Quileute through blood regardless. But if I want to be an active member of the tribe, then would I need to be there. I've been thinking about it a lot actually, and if I get a degree in education, I would have the experience to help make a difference for the kids. Many reservations have poor schooling systems and low graduation rates. They've made progress in the last few decades, but there is still a lot of room for improvement. The government has really failed them in a lot of ways, and I understand more now why dad choose not to go back while Leah and I were so young."

I silently thought about how hard of a choice that would be to make. To feel like you have to chose between family and your own wellbeing. And I was glad I'd never have to make that sort of sacrifice.

"That must have been hard for him."

Seth nodded, but smiled.

"I think dad was happy enough that Leah and I at least got enough exposure to be aware of our heritage, while still getting the advantages of living outside of that life. And I never feel like I've missed out; my cousins made sure I was accepted. I just want to make sure that when I join, I have something to offer the tribe."

I felt warmed by the depth of love Seth had for his family. And maybe even a little jealous of his passion to help the tribe. I wasn't sure what my passion was, and to be honest, my parents weren't really around enough to push the subject.

"I think its cool that you wanna make a difference. And the tribe will be really lucky to have you."

Seth's smile was shy, but pleased.

"So who are your cousins?"

"Nessie and Sam. Did you meet Sam at the game Friday?"

That I had.

"Oh yeah, he's cool. I guess you're probably friends with most of the guys from the La Push team then."

He grinned.

"Yeah, pretty much. They're all basically one big family. Sometimes it's it feels like I have an army of cousins, instead just the two. It's nice though. They really look after each other."

It did sound nice. I always liked the idea of a big family. Being an only child could get pretty lonely.

"That's cool. So is it just gonna be your cousins at the lake?"

He shook his head.

"Nessie's there with a few people already, and I think Sam is bringing a few of his friends. We're actually almost there now."

We turned down a dirt road, and it wasn't long before the lake came into view. A single truck was parked to the side and few figures were out near the dock. It looked like two of them were in the water which was pure craziness if you asked me.

We'd just gotten out of the car when several things happened simultaneously.

First, I noticed the lone figure on the dock was none other than Jacob Black. My mind barely had time to register this when I heard him say the name 'Swan'. Immediately I recognized Bella as one of the people in the lake.

It occurred to me this was a setup on Seth's part. And part of me wanted to be upset about it, but then I watched as Jacob dove in, dragging Bella under the water.

He popped up smiling several yards away, but Bella hadn't emerged.

Before I knew what I was doing, I had run down the dock. I saw her surface, but the fear on her face had me jumping in without question.

I had her in my arms, and was hoisting her up on the platform in less than a minute.

Her garbled coughs helped to ease the terror from my heart. Seeing her almost drown had probably taken a few years off my life.

And I was so overwhelmed that she was okay, I hardly knew what to do except just be there.

I knew she thought I was someone else, and I couldn't help the joke that came from my lips when she said I was a dead man.

Her look of shock when she realized it was me was, was somehow comical. And I watched closely to see her reaction as she figured out what was going on.

The banter she had going with Jacob hurt at first. Then it started to confuse me. Particularly when the other girl wrapped herself around Jacob affectionately. I wondered if she was Nessie, Seth's cousin.

Whoever she was, she was obviously in love with Jacob, the way she touched him, and looked at him. And the way he too looked at her. Even though he was joking with Bella the whole time, his eyes were constantly wandering back to the girl.

"Mhmm, you're just mad because I'm better at pleasing your girlfriend than you are." Bella's words hit me hard.

Girlfriend?

The girl was dating Jacob.

Not Bella.

Every stupid word and action of the last week hit me like a brick. I had been an idiot. Bella wasn't with him, and based on everything I was now seeing, she didn't want to be with him.

I watched as she couldn't keep her eyes off me. How she tried to hide it.

And it set my whole body on fire.

That and the fact she was scantily clad in a sopping wet t-shirt, her pert nipples poking through. I'd never wanted to taste her so much.

Her embarrassment should have calmed me down, but I couldn't help myself. I wanted her so badly. Every bit of her.

In the back of my mind I knew I was being a little rude by not saying anything, I just couldn't quite find the words. So I followed her blindly, like a lamb to slaughter.

I opened my mouth to talk to her, but then she started stripping. I should have looked away, but for the life of me I couldn't find it in myself to turn away.

Her white bra didn't hide a thing from my hungry eyes. And when she looked up, noticing me for the first time, I realized I needed to react, not just stand idly by like the idiot I had been being.

I closed in on her, waiting for her to back away. Waiting for her to tell me no. Waiting for some sign that she didn't want this.

But I saw everything in her eyes that she never said.

The pain. Desire. Need. And an unmistakable longing, that appeared to be for me.

"You're not dating Jacob." It was a statement. One that I knew now more than ever to be true. But one that I still needed to say

"No." Her total confusion was sweet music. And I couldn't hold myself back any longer.

I wanted my kiss to be as intense as the feelings I had for her. And I felt a shift, as if something inside her had unlocked and opened to me. She flooded me with passion dripped in a myriad of emotion. I greedily took it all in, accepting all she was willing to give.

When we broke apart for air, I knew I would never have enough of her.

"Bella." My voice was hoarse and pained, even to my own ears. "I've missed you so much."

I watched as my words brought tears to her eyes, and I couldn't resist kissing her again. A kiss that told her I was still there. That I needed her.

But I also needed to speak it. I needed her to know how I felt. And no matter what she might say, it was past time for me to come clean.

"Tell me to go if you don't want me. But I can't go another minute without you knowing the truth." I watched her face intently, needing her to know it was all true. Every word. "I want you to be mine. No pretending. Just completely, and totally mine."

AN: So… originally I started writing this chapter with the intent of just giving a little bit of Edward's thought process, but it kinda took on a life of its own. I know it's not the chapter you were probably hoping for, but it is what it is :/

Thanks so much for all the love you guys! I've been overwhelmed with a lot lately and your support of this story has just meant so much to me. Stay tuned for more to come :)