Ch 23: Paths of Consequence

~ Bella's POV~

The next morning found me better than I would have imagined. I still looked a mess, swollen puffy eyes, hair more than a little ratted, and an unmistakable expression of defeat was stamped across my face.

Yet, the world didn't seem as bleak as usual. The numbness that sets in often lasts for days, leaving me feeling empty and aimless. But this time it wasn't lingering. I knew Edward was the reason.

I looked across the kitchen counter as he prepared a breakfast of cheesy grits, eggs, and toast (my favorite). His plaid pajama bottoms clinging deliciously to his butt, and I found myself more than a little mesmerized watching him move around gracefully.

He hadn't pressured me to talk about anything yet. I was almost certain as soon as we got up this morning he would be pressing me for some sort of explanation. But all he'd done was cuddle me gently and kiss my head. And when my stomach grumbled, he simply asked me to join him in the kitchen while he cooked for us.

If I didn't still feel so drained, I might have cried.

How long had I been missing this?

So much wasted time. And heartache.

"You okay?" The gentle concerned voice asked, as a hand came up to rub my cheek. I gave him a soft smile, hoping to assuage the concern I saw in his eyes.

"Yea. Just zoning out." I looked down, now noticing he'd set bowls of food in front of me. "This looks great."

My stomach was churning, and I didn't really want to eat, but since he had gone through the trouble, I would indulge him.

"You don't have to eat it all. Just some of it." There was almost of note of humor in his voice.

I wondered if my expression gave me away.

"Sorry, my stomach's just not fully on board this morning." But I picked up the wedge of lightly buttered toast and took a generous bite.

Thankfully, my stomach had no objections, so I continued to eat, if a bit cautiously.

"This is good. Thank you."

Instead of responding, he leaned over to kiss my head, before returning to his meal.

It was those sort of sweet gestures that I imagined were going to do me in.

As we finished eating, my nervousness grew. He deserved to know the truth. To know what the hell was going on in my life. And even though he had stayed with me through a truly horrendous night, it didn't mean he really wanted to sign up for all this. I mean, high school relationships are supposed to be fun and silly and casual. My situation was anything but that.

"Bella," his voice drew me out of my growing panic, "breathe."

I didn't realize I had been holding my breath, but I let it out as he instructed.

"I didn't want to pressure you to talk, but I feel like you have a lot going on in your head that you need to get out. Even if you're not ready to tell me, let me help you find someone you would be comfortable with."

I could hardly bare the sweetness.

And before I knew it, I'd launched myself at him, clinging tightly to this frame.

I didn't cry, I just really needed the embrace. His strong arms pressed around me snugly, bringing comfort.

"Don't worry about pressuring me. I'll tell you anything you want to know. It's just… promise me if you decide you don't want to be with me anymore, that you'll just tell me. I don't want to you to preten-" his tight squeeze cut me off.

"There isn't anything you could tell me that would change my mind about you, or how I feel about you Bella." His voice was tight and almost tortured. "No more pretending, remember?"

"This is just a lot, for anyone. And I didn't mean that you're pretending to like me, just that if my situation is too much, and it probably is, that I won't hold it against you if you need to walk away." I tried to explain more fully, although based on his expression, I saw it was just frustrating him.

He took a deep breath and choose to hug me more tightly rather than respond. After a minute or so he finally pulled back.

"I'm sorry if I seem annoyed with you. I can't imagine how much you've been through, and I just really want to be there for you."

I could appreciate, if not fully understand it. I supposed if the situation was reversed, no matter what, I'd want to be there for him.

"Okay." I acknowledged, much to his apparent surprise. "Just know, that none of this is easy or easy for me to talk about. And I'm probably going to frustrate you a lot more because it's hard for me and I really haven't talked to anyone about this before. I just don't even know how to do this." I felt so nervous. So uncomfortable.

"It's all gonna be okay Bella." He rubbed my hands warmly. "Would it help if I asked you questions?"

I nodded, considering I didn't know where to start.

"I'm sorry if I'm jumping to conclusions, but your dad, he's an alcoholic, right?"

There is was.

Those words that I'd never really spoken aloud before.

"Yes."

For such a small word, it felt so heavy in my mouth.

"How long?"

A slightly harder question.

At what point does one consider their father an alcoholic? The first time they come home too drunk to stand straight? When they start drinking earlier in the day? Or start buying more booze than groceries?

There were just so many things that all seemed to slowly come together.

"Umm, I don't really know. I think I realized he had a serious problem sometime mid-ninth grade. But looking back, it was probably even sooner than that."

I could see him putting it together.

"The divorce?"

I nodded understanding the question.

"I think… part of the problem is that it was less of a divorce and more of her just walking out on us." This was probably the hardest thing for me to talk about. Because it made me so angry. "She didn't actually tell him she wanted a divorce. She just left. And didn't contact dad for weeks. Then one day he got the papers in the mail."

Edward was shocked.

"I thought they just decided to get one, and that's why they sent you away to summer camp?"

I shrugged, trying not to let my feelings get the best of me.

"That's what my dad told me originally. It didn't make sense to me, but I was a kid so I didn't have a reason not to believe him. Until he started drinking anyways. He's a very chatty drunk when he's not totally shitfaced."

Semi-stunned silence hung between us.

"So, she just left?" I could tell he was having a hard time comprehending it.

"Yeah." I took deep breath knowing he needed the full explanation. "What I told you before was true. They did fight a lot, and they were having problems. They, or at least, dad, sent me off to camp I think to try to work on their marriage. To see if they could get things back on track. What I found out later is that she never had any intention of working things out. She used me being gone as an excuse to cut out when she did."

And I did feel used. Even now, thinking of what a coward she was leaving us like that.

"What the fuck?" Edward's sudden outburst had me jolting in confusion. "So she just left? How could she do that?"

His genuine outrage was both totally unexpected and so comforting. Seeing that I wasn't the only one who felt it was really messed up.

"I tried for a long time to understand. And the only real conclusion I've been able to come to, is that some people just really don't care. She didn't care. At least not enough to stay for us."

It was painful, remembering. Coming home to an absent mother, a broken father, and a missing space in my heart they were supposed to be filling with love.

"Sometimes I wish I could forgive her. Just so I could be done with it. But then dad comes home smashed and all the anger just bubbles right back up. Because she had to know, right? Dad adored her. If there's one thing I remember from before, it's that he looked at her like she was everything. And she just threw it all away. She threw us away."

The old anger fueled by hurt was rising in me, choking me.

Edward's soothing hands rubbed my arms, telling me without words that I mattered.

"I don't think I can really comprehend how much that hurt you, and I know it's not the same thing, or that it's going to make anything better, but you're not trash Bella. I care about you so much that I really can't understand how your mom could walk away like that. Because you are so damn amazing, and I can't imagine my world without you in it."

Though his words were heartfelt and sweet, all I could see was the irony.

"I usually feel like the only amazing thing about me is how amazingly messed up my life is." I laughed humorlessly, making Edward frown. "Sorry. You were being sweet. It's hard for me to accept it sometimes."

He sighed lightly, as if accepting that he couldn't change years of damage with a few kind words.

"You don't have to apologize to me, you warned me from the start that you would probably annoy me. I don't want you to stop being honest or telling me how you really feel. You have every right to feel the way you do, and I don't want to discredit that."

I loved how it was like he knew all the right things to say.

"I may have a right to my feelings, but I don't have to discredit your feelings."

He smiled slightly, before his face turned more serious.

"I know this isn't easy for you, and I just want you to know how much I care for you. And that, despite the fact you didn't intend for me to find out about any of this, that I'm really glad you're letting me be here for you." He paused for a small moment. "I know you said before that your dad didn't hit you, but I have to ask again."

I understood his hesitance to believe.

"He's never hit me." I reassured him, looking him straight in the eye. "I know it's probably gonna seem like a lie, but the truth is that he's just a really clumsy drunk and I can't stop myself from trying to help."

I felt helpless watching him stumble around. It hurt me deeply to see him like that.

"So, you're saying he's never intentionally hit you, but he's accidently done it?" Edward, to his credit, did seem like he was asking for clarification.

"No. I mean, when I try helping him to the couch, or up the stairs, he falls a lot. Sometimes he steps on my toes. Or we both lose our balance and fall down the stairs." I mentioned referring to the most recent incident.

He didn't look comforted by my explanation.

"I'm not trying to be a jerk, but that's still really dangerous." I winced at the rebuke. "Hey, no, I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I- I'm just really upset that you feel you have to put yourself in that situation. I'm not saying I don't understand why you do it, or that if it were me, I wouldn't have done the same. It's just really hard to listen to you talk so nonchalantly about getting hurt because you're trying to help him."

I could see it from his perspective. But what else was I going to do?

"I get where you're coming from, it's just, if I don't help, sometimes he hurts himself worse. Or at least, a lot worse than just a few bruised toes."

It wasn't a great excuse, but it was the truth.

"I'm really not trying to make you feel like you have to justify why you help him. I think you're so brave and so fucking selfless it makes me want to wrap you up and never let you leave my bed."

That surprised me.

"Brave?" What about my life was brave?

He shook his head at me.

"You can be so blind to how amazing you are." He sighed. "Yes, Bella. I think you are really brave. You've been dealing with all of this for years by yourself. And I imagine I only know a fraction of what you've been through, but even just dealing with that alone is a lot."

"I think you're mistaking self-preservation for bravery."

He shook his head again.

"You really can't take any sort of compliment can you?" I felt my nose wrinkle in disagreement. "I'm not even trying to compliment you. I'm just telling you like I see it. And what I see, is a very strong, brave, devoted daughter, who would literally give up anything to make her dad happy."

That hit hard. Because I really would give anything to see my dad smiling again without a bottle of booze in his hands.

"I know it's stupid, but every time I see him like that, I- just feel responsible." How could I explain the hurt and sometimes self-loathing that accompanied my dad's drunken escapades?

"Responsible to take care of him, or responsible for his behavior?"

"Both," I answered honestly. "I know you're gonna say I'm not, and logically I understand that. But who else is gonna take care of him? If I stop caring for him, or helping, he could wind up really hurt, or maybe even dead."

I felt the weight of the burden I'd been carrying, sinking me down further.

"And, I know that his drinking is his problem, and I'm not responsible for it. But there are times, like last night, when I feel like maybe it is true. Every time he looks at me, he sees her. And I wonder if it just fucks him up more. Like, if I was different, maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad?"

It was a question no one could really answer.

Edward's arms squeezed me close.

"I'm glad you're not different. I'm glad you're you. And I think your dad is too, even if he's too lost to show it."

His words made my heart ache and hope.

"Maybe this isn't the right question to ask, because I understand you've been trying really hard to help him, but have you considered getting him professional help?"

That was a sore point. One I knew would come up though.

"I tried once, a while back. I called this rehab office, and the worker said they couldn't admit him without his consent, but it was apparent to her that my dad was unfit to be my guardian, and she'd have to contact child services. With my only options being either try to find my mom or send me into foster care." The memory nearly had me shaking. "I hadn't given the lady my name, so I just hung up, and prayed that they wouldn't find me."

A lump formed in my throat that I pushed past as I attempted to explain.

"I know it sounds really selfish when I say it like that, but I was just so scared that they'd take me away and he'd be alone. He told me before he didn't need help, and I was so afraid that he might think that I abandoned him too, and I just couldn't do it."

Shame filled me then. Because maybe I was wrong. Maybe he would have gotten help. And I let my fear of losing him get in the way of that.

Edward's hands pressed deeply into me, as if he was trying to forge our bodies into one.

"Maybe it was selfish." His words startled and shamed me. "But I'm glad you didn't have to leave. I know I'm a shit for thinking that Bella, I don't even know how hard this all has been for you, but I'm just so very glad you stayed and you're here with me now."

It shouldn't have been a relief, being told that I probably had messed up. But it was. To know that even though I might have made horrible mistakes, that he was glad of it, if only so that he could selfishly have me with him. It made me feel so validated.

"To be honest though, I don't think what you did was selfish. I think that you understand your dad better than anyone else, and if you think getting taken away wouldn't have helped, then you're probably right. And even though things have been rough, it's likely that you've kept him from going off the deep end all this time."

Tears of relief worked their way into my unwilling eyes. It just felt so good for someone to understand and to still be on my side, even if I hadn't made the best decisions.

"Thank you."

I was startled to find the words didn't come from me. I looked up into his appreciative eyes, utterly confused.

He gave me a tender smile.

"You didn't have to open up like this or share any part of your life with me. And I'm so grateful you did."

I wiped at my eyes, trying to keep my cool.

"Are you trying to make me cry?"

His watery laugh was sweet to my ears.

"No, but I'm here if you need to."

I buried my face into his neck, dampening the cloth there.

He held me silently for some time.

"I needed that. Thanks." My smile was more shy than usual, but I was feeling pretty vulnerable.

"Anytime." He stroked my hair, a thoughtful expression on his face. "I understand that you want to help your dad, but to be honest the thought of you going back home to that scares me. Even if you put aside the emotional hurt it causes you, he could seriously injure you, accident or not."

He was right of course, but it unsettled me.

"I told you E, I can't leave him. I'd rather he hurt me than him wind up cracking his head open on the stairs, or some other horrible thing, because I wasn't there to prevent it." I could feel the ugly claws of panic slashing through my gut with the thoughts.

"I'm not saying you should leave him alone. But maybe it's time to revisit getting him help from someone who knows how to deal with addiction. You're old enough now that no one can take you away, not that I'd let them anyways."

It was a difficult thing for me to consider. Part of me was still worried he'd think I'd abandon him. What if that really set him off?

"I don't think rehabs can admit someone without their permission. Not unless they're a suicide risk or court ordered." I reminded him, trying keep my head clear.

"He might would go if you told him how much all of this was hurting you."

That simple statement was hard to accept. Because part of me was scared that I wouldn't be enough. I wasn't for my mom. And he wasn't able to stay sober for me all the past years. Why would this be any different?

But I didn't voice these questions. Some things just caused too much hurt to be spoken.

"You don't have to make a decision right this second. I just want you to know I'm here no matter what." It took some of the pressure off. "I'm not ready to let you go though. Will you stay with me again today, tonight?"

The earnest look in his eyes was compelling. And I really didn't want to go home anyways.

"Yes. I'll stay."

And even as I loved Edward pulling me in yet again for another hug, little buds of doubt bloomed in my head. A dark voice in the back of my mind couldn't help but wonder what I was going to do, and what would be the consequences?

AN: A heavy chapter, one that really needed to come out. Bella is dealing with a lot, but at least she has Edward.

Thanks again for your patience as I work on getting these chapters out. I hope you have a wonderful New Year and that 2021 brings you all the happiness you deserve!