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The sun was brighter and warmer than it should have been for this time of year. It beat down on the crowd that had gathered around the arena, that was set up for a jousting tournament that was soon to beginning. The knights were rather uncharacteristically quiet. The unseasonal heat was made slightly unpleasant by the heavy sets of armour that they had to wear. Gwen too in her corseted dress sitting in the stands in the harsh glare of the sun was also feeling the ill effect of the heat. That and her spinning mind made the simple task of sitting still almost impossible. Every now and again she would allow herself to glance in the direction of the knights who were preparing for the tournament. Whenever she caught sight of either Arthur or Lancelot she quickly looked away. It was hard for her to tell who she felt that she had betrayed the most.
Arthur trusted her, loved her wanted to marry her. Make her a queen. She did understood that he had more than his own wants to think about. That however didn't stop it from hurting, being made to wait like she was. She wanted her life to begin and it felt like she was stuck, rooted in the same spot. That didn't excuse what she did. She betrayed his trust. The same thing that so many others had down in the past.
Lancelot loved her. She had always known that and she had loved him. There had been a time when she believed that her future had lain with him. He had been loyal and a gentlemen, a true knight about it all. He had respected her choice and had never done anything to come between her and Arthur. She had betrayed him by using his affection for her, to make herself feel better. Feel loved and wanted. Something that Arthur had not made her truly feel in a long time.
The Princess Mithian sat to her left. Every time she looked towards the knights she had to look at her as-well. While she knew deep down that she had no reason to feel so, she did feel like she had also betrayed her as-well. If Arthur ever found out she was sure that he would marry Mithian. To save face and partly to hurt her. Which it would, like a knife in her heart. Having to see them together every single day. A sick feeling came over her, this must be how she made Lancelot feel. Yet he had borne it with such dignity. Her stomach lunged a little at this thought. She was able to compose herself and then slowly pulled herself to her feet.
"Are you feeling alright. You look rather pale."
The genuinely concerned voice of the Princess pulled Gwen from her spinning thoughts. She weakly smiled and nodded. "Yes thank you. The sun is just so warm."
"It is rather." Mithian laughed a small laugh.
Before she had the chance to say anymore, Gwen as quickly as she could moved away. As she moved down the narrow wooden steps that led up to the stands she gript tightly onto the rail. She had to stop suddenly as she felt her stomach lunged again and this time she truly worried that she was going to be sick. Slowly though the feeling started to leave her and she was able to keep what little dignity she felt she had. She took in a deep breath, waited another few seconds to further calm herself before she moved again. Once she felt calmer she took one more step down the steps. She was unable to take another as a figure suddenly came from the right and moved to walk up the stairs. Their head was lowered so they didn't see Gwen till they almost walked right into her.
"Sorry-" The words that would have followed where left hanging in the air as he lifted his head to look at the women he had almost ran into.
Gwen's breath caught in her throat for a second as her eyes met Lancelot's. He quickly looked away from her, not able to meet her eyes again. When she had her breath back she opened her mouth to speak but could find no words. They were in such an exposed area, anyone could see them, hear them talking. Taking a second to make sure that no one had already seen them, she grabbed hold of his hand and lad him back down the stairs. Once at the bottom she continued to pull him behind her as she lifted the sheets of bright red material that hung from the stands, and walked through it.
The stand that they now stood under did not have a full wall at its back. It was only around ten feet in height and didn't need one. It was held up instead by a series of pillars. A number of red sheets hung over the back, giving the impression of a back. The cramped feeling of the space they now found themselves in was heightened by the red tinge that the light pouring in through the red sheets. As well as the weight of what they had to talk about. They stood now that Gwen had let his hand go a good few feet apart.
"My Lady, I-"
"Don't call me that. I think we are far past that." He nodded. "I'm the one that should be sorry."
He took a step towards her. Feeling a need to comfort her, as he saw the pain in her eyes. "No. it was as much my actions that lead-"
"You have been nothing but a true and noble knight and gentlemen. I was the one-"
"You cannot take all of the blame. We are both to blame. The question now is what do we do next."
Though she nodded her agreement. She was clearly scared. Scared of what he would say next, what he wanted to do. If he wanted to tell Arthur she would lose him and she could not stand that. The thought of him knowing, of him looking at her knowing what she had done. He would never look at him in the same way. So many of the people that he had believed he could trust, had trusted so much had betrayed him. She had always saw herself as someone that would never do that. She was someone that he could trust, and by knowing that she hoped she could encourage and in a way let him become the man she knew he could.
What it would do to Lancelot if Arthur knew she also did not want to think off. He admired and respected Arthur, believed whole heartedly in the Camelot that he wanted to build. If he was forced to leave that, the only place she knew that he felt he had a home, a family she knew she could also not stand to think of him like that. The only thing worse was how she knew he must be feeling himself now. Years of control and self-sacrifice ruined, thrown away because of a moment of weakness on her part.
That was what she had to believe it was. If she thought too much about it, let him talk too much on that fact then it would only led them down a road that she feared to go down. It was a complete unknown. She did not like or trust in the unknown. Arthur had been her only real leap of faith. The only one that she intended to make in her lifetime. Maybe not wanting to waist her one moment of recklessness was a larger part than she wanted to admit to why she wanted to keep this secret. It was a part, but it was not the only part.
"We cannot tell him." Her voice was low but urgent.
To her great relief, he nodded in agreement. "You're right."
"Good." She sighed. The idea of lying to Arthur keeping anything from him, especially something like this would eat away at her. It was no more than she deserved. He did not deserve to be hurt by another betrayal. It would be a constant feeling of guild and self-loathing for her, for both of them, but was the price they had to pay for not hurting Arthur.
"That is why I have to leave."
"No!" she quickly caught herself and lowered her voice. "You can't."
"I do not have a choice." Cautiously he lifted his hand to rest on her shoulder. "Now that I know that there may be a….that there truly could have been a chance…." He did not need to same anymore she knew what he was saying.
"Lancelot."
"I have already spoken to Arthur of this. I leave tomorrow."
"So soon."
"I will be escorting the Princess Mithian home. Then I will be staying."
Her heart was racing inside her chest. The thought of him leaving was hard enough to take in, but the thought of him. Brave, loyal and caring Lancelot giving all of those skills and wonderful traits to another kingdom. One that would not be truly appreciate them, him. That was too hard to bear.
"But you are a knight of Camelot. A knight of the round table."
Her voice was soft and pleading. Her head finally tilted upwards to meet his eyes. He could see she was trying to hold it back but the pain was clear in her voice and eyes. Being a knight of the round table meant so much to him. It was the thing that he took the most pride in. He truly believed in what they stood for.
"And I will remain so…..for as long as there is breath in my body. I would never abandon…..Camelot."
He caught himself, but she knew him well enough to what he was about to say. It frightened and upset her that she knew him so well in equal measure. It was no one's fault, but she had been feeling a little disconnected from almost everyone lately. Knowing that she could still read and know Lancelot made her feel that she was still apart of everything. It was selfish, but she couldn't help it. She was starting to think that while he was the most noble person she knew, he was a bad influence on her. More accurately he brought out a side of her that she did not like. Most likely he felt the same way about her. Maybe though she did not want to admit it, it was for the best that he leave. Though she knew she would miss him, and it would hurt her terribly.
"I will only be gone a few months. Arthur is calling it building a bridge between the two kingdom." He was quiet for a second as he watched her relax a little. "Because there will be no marriage to join them."
For a brief second he saw her smile, relief clear on her face. Realising her involuntary action and the pain it caused him, she started to say something, but he quickly turned and moved away. Leaving her alone. She called his name, but it only came out just above a whisper. Taking in a deep breath she composed herself and then she too left, but not before making sure that no one saw her.
She was not as careful as she would have wanted to be. She was seen, worse Lancelot was also seen leaving before her. Merlin worried about this. He cared deeply for both of them, but he also cared for Arthur. As he knew they both did as well. If what he was thinking and hoping had not happened, had in fact happened, he knew that they would not have done it lightly. It would be easier if they had. Then it would be simple to put an end to. He had wanted to talk to Lancelot anyway, he had just like Gen found about his leaving. So he pushed himself of the wall he had been leaning on and walked off in the direction his friend had taken.
The door to the knight's door was open slightly. He did not notice the sorcerer standing in the door way. After a few seconds of waiting to be noticed, Merlin knocked lightly on the door. Lancelot's head shoot up as he turned to the door. He looked a little relived to see Merlin, then as he took a few steps towards him and Merlin could see sadness in his eyes.
"You know." He sighed. "I should have told you myself."
He nodded. "Yes you should have."
"It's for the best. I need time away. I'm not used to settling in the one place for so long-"
"That's Gwaine, not you."
Lancelot sighed. He had not expected Merlin to be happy about his leaving but he hadn't thought that he would be angry about it. Apart from Gaius he was the only person in Camelot that knew about his secret. He never said anything about it, he never really said anything at all about his magic or his destiny. Despite that he knew that having a friend that knew, the option of having someone else that knew to talk to about it all, helped Merlin keep going when things started to become too much for him. It seemed that there was someone else that he had hurt with his selfish actions.
"It is just something that I have to do."
Not wanting to carry on with the conversation any more. He offered a small smile and turned away from his friend. He started to pack his few belongings into the pack that he had carried with him throughout all of his travels. It was a little worse for ware, but it would do the job. Every small hole, stitch and mark told a story of his travels. Travels that he a few years ago when he unpacked the pack in this room he believed were over. He had thought he would never be in need of his trusty large pack again, yet he had kept it. sentiment he thought at the time was the reason for this choice, now he wondered if he had always known in the back of his mind that he would do something wrong that would force him to leave.
"So you don't have to see Gwen." Lancelot froze. "So you don't have to see her marry Arthur."
The accusing tone in Merlin's voice was quickly replaced with concern and sympathy for his friend. Neither of which he deserved. This just made Lancelot want him to leave all the more. "It's not that." He couldn't bring himself to lie to Merlin. At least not fully.
"Then what is it." Merlin walked further into the room. "I don't understand." The knight lifted his gaze form the pack in-front of him to look at his friend. He could almost see his mind working through his eyes, trying to understand why he was choosing to leave.
"It's nothing that matters."
"Clearly it is, if it's casing you to leave your home." Lancelot did not reply. He was surly hoping that if he was silent for long enough then Merlin would give up and leave. Merlin was not going to let that happen, he wanted answers. He needed them. Something in the back of his mind was telling him that something important could happen. "I saw you." He watched Lancelot's shoulders sink a little. "You were just talking to Gwen, under that stands. In private. It clearly has to do with her. What is going on."
With a deep sigh Lancelot finally answered. "I can't say."
Merlin nodded and took a few steps back. "Yes you can."
"Merlin-"
"You just don't want to." There was nothing that he could say in response to that so he said nothing. Sensing his friends wavering, Merlin choose to play a little dirty and use his trump card. "I have trusted you with my greatest secret. I thought that would mean that you would trust me in return."
Lancelot knew that this was in part an act of manipulation on Merlin's part, but there was still truth to his words. So he very reluctantly. Took in a deep breath and said the words that had not spoken out loud out of fear of truly making it real. "I almost kissed Gwen."
Merlin truly did not know what to say. In the very back of his mind maybe he had thought this is what he would be told. When he thought to himself how bad can it be, he had quickly pushed the thought aside. Lancelot had more loyalty for that or so he had believed. He was not above reproach himself. There had been things that he had done that he regretted. People he had hurt. He however had done those things for the greater good. Never for his own ends. He had not wanted to poison Morgana or try and kill Mordred, not even to kill Nimueh. He had done these things not for himself but for others, and took no pleasure in them. Lancelot had acted thinking only of his own wants. His actions could destroy everything.
"I can't believe-"
"There is nothing that you can say to me that will make me feel any lower than I already do. I know what I did was unforgivable. I don't expect you to understand or forgive. I only ask that you keep my secret as I have kept your. Also that you let me leave. I will not cause more pain."
Merlin had been about to tell the knight that he could not believe that he had acted so selfishly, but now he had nothing to say. Almost all of the anger that he had felt for his friend, because he was still his friend, His most trusted friend, left as he heard the sadness in his voice. He was clearly so disappointed in himself. Self-loathing was clear from his voice and posture. He now felt a little guilty about his harsh words and tone. It was true no one was going to be harder on Lancelot over this than Lancelot himself, not even Arthur.
"I will miss you."
Slowly he lifted his hand and placed it on Lancelot's shoulder. He truly was going to miss his friend. Deep down he knew that it was for the best, he still did not like it. He had believed that this issue was in the past. Love it seemed always left a permanent mark, no matter how much time went by or how hard you tried to remove it. He himself knew that all to well. Quickly before he had a chance to think more, Merlin stepped forward and pulled the slightly taller man into a hug. It took Lancelot a moment to return the hug, most likely he felt that he did not deserve any act of friendship.
"You are a good friend Merlin. Better than I deserve." He said as they pulled apart.
"That is not true. You are a good friend to me and a good knight. You have just lost your way a little."
"I hope so."
"Once you return, it will be as if nothing had happened."
Lancelot's only reply would have been to say what he had just said so he smiled and nodded. Merlin smiled too, but neither truly meant their smile. With a lowered head he turned and left. There was nothing else to be said. Tomorrow he would leave for no one knew how long. When he returned most likely Arthur and Gwen would be married. That would be the definitive end to his. Lancelot would still love her, but he would never slip up again once she was married. He was a good man, it was very likely that he would find someone else. Someone that loved him in return.
He turned right at the end of the corridor to walk up the stairs to the upper levels of the castle, he almost walked right into Gwen. She sat on the third bottom step, her legs pulled slight into her chest. "You couldn't convince him to stay."
He felt a little guilty. Should he have tried to make him stay. He was also worried by the fact that she wanted him to stay. "Do you want him to stay."
Her head was lowered so he could not see her face. "He should not leave because of me."
Reaching out he patted her shoulder. "It's not your fault-"
"Yes it is." Her head shoot up to look at him. "I just felt so alone. I feel like Arthur and I are slipping away from each other…now I have pushed away one of the best people I have ever known." She did her best to hold it back, but he heard a crack in her voice.
Merlin was confused for a second, but know he thought he understood. The sympathy he would have felt for his clearly upset friend was not as strong as he thought it should be. "You wanted to kiss him." She didn't need to answer her silence told him all he needed to know.
Lancelot had lied, took all of the blame onto himself to spare Gwen any harsh thoughts. He could not help but feel a little anger at Gwen. She did not know that he had lied for her, but she was still the one whose actions had led to Lancelot having to leave. They were both to blame and were at least doing something to make up for it, stop it from happening again. They had also clearly not meant to hurt anyone. He would never believe that either of them would every truly hurt someone on purpose. Despite knowing all of this, he could not help but feel a little betrayed and let down by both of them. He had expected better from them of all people. He should hug her, she was clearly distressed. He just couldn't bring himself to. He hugged Lancelot because he would not see him for a long time. Gwen was staying he would see her every day. There was time for him to try and look at her in the same way again. So without a word he started to walk up the stairs. Passing her without any word or action.
Thank you for reading. I hope that you liked it. I would say that I am sorry that it I have been so late with this up-date. However as no one is really reading or reviewing that would be a little pointless. I don't mean for that to sound or come across as rude. Though I realise that it could be taken in that way, so I will apologise for that. I have started to write another story for a different fandom. In case anyone is interested it is a Thor story about an OC and Loki. I don't know about it, I have only done one chapter so far, but I hope it turns out ok. So I will try and balance my time between the two honestly though it will be very dependent on which is getting more of a reaction. The main reason that I am writing this is to get better at writing and for that I need feedback. Therefor if the other one gets more feedback then I will most likely focus on that one. As I have always said throughout the story so far I do intend to finish this story, it just might take longer than I wanted it to. Luckily no one else cares so whatever. If you do have any comments good or bad I would love to hear them. As-well as any ideas for the story that you may have.