HI, sorry for disappearing for almost over a year. Also thank you to the few that private messaged me. you guys were really sweet and I hope you all like this new chapter. I feel bad about how long it took to get out but I have had a horribly busy few months. Hope you guys enjoy! Tell me kindly what you think. (:
Halloween of 1974
Hiraeth.
A word he was very familiar with, one his mother always whispered to herself, rushing him to the car when they moved from home to home. Her want for a stable life with her family, to hug her parents who sat in their home in Wales, but her love for her son outweighed her wants, and many times her needs.
Her secret, her sickly burden.
A yearning for a home that never existed.
He was yearning for that place, of comfort and Nymphadora's arms. Of Teddy's cries waking him up in the earliest hours of the morning to feed and change his nappy.
He longed for the hours that he and his wife spent talking and planning the future, ignoring the war that was just right outside their window. He missed her anger when he walked back into her life after acting like a coward and trying to run away with Harry and his friends. Her forgiveness. Her love.
He missed her, her entire being. All he wanted was to see her one last time.
Her and Teddy.
To see his son's small face, his ever-changing hair. To see the mousy brown hair that came out when he was asleep, as he could not control his powers yet.
He missed the home he had finally found when he let himself hope.
Remus' muscles ached and his bones creaked in preparation for the night to come, and his will to move anywhere but his bed was nearly non-existent. He had managed to sit up and change into his tattered pair of clothing he always wore on the day of the full moon before he promptly collapsed back into his bed from the strain. It somehow felt worse than it usually did, but the way he had been able to move around showed the youthfulness of his body that would sooner wear away than hold steadfast.
He would conserve his energy for the trip out to the Shrieking Shack, which wasn't something he had done this Halloween. He remembered trying to spend every minute he could with his friends and make the most out of this unfortunate circumstance.
Yet, now he just wanted to sleep for a few days. Let dreams of the life he wanted back but didn't at the same time, that life was war-stricken and he hadn't survived it yet he had had hope and he had gotten to see Harry grow into a young man. He had had a family that would have had a promising future if he hadn't died if he had just practised his duelling.
He turned on his side and covered his head with a pillow, groaning softly with frustration. He couldn't focus on this any longer or he would have a breakdown. He needed to focus on the good…
He had his friends back, not that they weren't annoying and grating at times and some days he wanted to sock Peter. Some days he wanted to slip something into his drink and watch him become one less worry, but he didn't have the guts, yet again.
That is all he ever did, wasn't it? Hesitate. Be a coward.
He had the chance to change the future and save Harry from what the future held.
That is if Lily and James got together, he had no idea if they would or not and he wasn't going to force them. He wasn't going to let James try and threaten her on a date as he did in their fifth year. Sometimes he thought that maybe it would be better if Harry was never born here so that he wouldn't have to go through what he had been through. If that was the best option, he would shoulder and let things play out no matter how painful the thought that Harry wouldn't exist.
"Remus...?" James' voice filtered through the bed curtain.
Speak of the devil. Remus turned slightly, body aching with the movement. He wiped his face to make sure he hadn't let any tears out and was relieved to find his cheeks dry. He let out a grunt in response to let James know he was awake and had heard him.
The sun trickled in along with James' face as the curtain opened and blinded him for a moment, his worry evident on his face. "How you feeling?"
He didn't respond with words, just huffing slightly and throwing the pillow across his face. Not much of a fan of the sun this early in the morning on a full moon.
"The aching is already starting, huh? Want me to bring you anything from breakfast?"
The thought of food made his stomach grumble and he brought the pillow down as he said, "any muffin and some juice would be brilliant."
"Right on it, sir. We have pumpkin juice in this fine establishment. Is that alright with you?" he asked with a slight bow, arm in front of him as he draped some of the curtains over it as a mock towel.
He rolled his eyes at him, though a slightly amused smile appeared on his face. "No apple or orange? What sort of place do you run?"
"The cheap kind," James hummed back with a grin when Remus reciprocated, straightening back up, "now is pumpkin juice, alright?"
"Yeah, yeah it is. Thank you."
"What is this I hear about pumpkin juice?" Sirius murmured as he appeared by James' side, arms lazily stretching into the air. Groaning when his back cracked a few times.
"Did you seriously just get up, Sirius?" James asked with a raised eyebrow.
"You're just setting yourself up, James," Remus muttered lightly, resting an arm over his face. Wishing the two would be a bit quieter as he didn't have much energy to get up and leave the room.
Sirius grinned in response, deciding to let James off the hook with his Sirius jokes, sitting down at the edge of the bed. About to carelessly throw himself across Remus' lap when he thought better of it. "How are you feeling, Moony?"
"As right as rain," he muttered, mood faltering despite his best attempts to keep the amusement flowing.
"Ready for tonight? You'll have the best costume."
He looked at him, a bit shocked at what he said but he had to remind himself that Sirius had no filter. Though what irritated him was the soft laughter he heard from James. He was not used to crude and teenage humour anymore and this made it quite obvious to him. "It's not much of a costume," he answered with a sigh, tugging his blanket upwards, ready to go back to sleep and ignore his hunger.
"Oh, right…" Sirius hummed, then a smirk appeared on his face as he thought of another joke to try and dispel the awkward tension, "you can't say Snivellus isn't a whole Halloween costume by himself. A whole bat."
"Tonight, really, Sirius?" Remus sighed with irritation, quite frankly sick of his friends' obsession with Severus when the man had done everything in his power to stay half across the castle from them. Most days he even tried to avoid Remus and he couldn't do that very well anymore.
"Yeah, tonight, Remus. I'm trying to make a shitty joke to make you feel better," he snapped, not at all happy with the reaction of the others. "What is with you? You-,"
"Sirius you are being an arse," James interjected as he lightly kicked his foot with a silent warning.
"Me?! Me being the arse?! He has never had any disapproval for the way we treat Snivellus-"
"Severus," Remus corrected, giving him a slight glare as he could feel the headache forming behind his eyes, "and I have always disapproved of the way you treated him but I have been too much of a coward to say anything about it."
"Yeah? What changed?" he shot back without thinking.
That stopped Remus in his tracks and he shot him one last glare before he turned on his side. He couldn't well say that he lived a lifetime to realise how much of a coward and people pleaser he was.
"Now you're playing the pouting card," Sirius huffed, standing up with a push off of the mattress, fuming and making the tension in the room spike.
"And you're playing the jackass card," James shot, "what is with you, huh? You're really going to be an arse today?"
"No, you're the arse! Both of you! You're seriously going to defend Sniv- Snape?!" he shouted, waving his hands wildly around in emphasis, "what happened to my friends?"
"We are right here, you arse!" James cried, fixing his glasses which had gone askew, "I don't like Snape but he's Lily's mate."
"Oh, I see you're trying to befriend him to get on better terms with Evans?"
"So what if I am?!" he cried, guilt flooding his face for a moment before he hid it with a cry of, "when have you ever cared?!"
"When it means you are trying to be civil with Sna-"
"Can you stop!?" Remus cried, a pillow around his head to drown out them arguing. He looked at them with exasperation. "I just want a quiet day before I have to go and rearrange every bone in my body, is that so much to ask for?"
"Yeah it is, does he know? Is that why you're trying to be nice to him?" Sirius asked, looking like he had solved a puzzle and everything was clear. "That's it, you have to be nice so he doesn't out you to the whole school."
"He does not know, I'm just sick of you being such a berk!" He answered hands clenched tightly around the pillow. He threw it at Sirius, who jumped out the way and it socked a clueless Peter in the face.
"Ah! What?!" He cried, catching the pillow confusion written on his face as he had just wandered in to see what was taking everyone so long, "what's going on?"
"Sirius is being an arse," James said with a shrug, "let's go-to breakfast, Peter. I'll bring you back some food Moony, alright?"
"Right," Remus ground out through clenched teeth.
Peter nodded as Sirius stormed out of the room before them. It was obvious it would be a while before he came back to his senses and apologised. If he apologised.
"Feel better, Remus, I'll save you some sweets tonight!" Peter called with a wave as he and James left.
Peter's attempt didn't make him feel better. If anything it made it worse.
He tugged the blanket up to his body as he let out a deep breath trying to remember what happened during this Halloween. It had been quite a while ago but it still frustrated him that he couldn't recall the details that well.
As if being asked kindly the memory made its way into his mind.
"James! You know what we should do and cheer up poor old Remus?"
James swivelled around on his broom and raised an eyebrow at Sirius, the two a few feet off the ground in the corner of the Quidditch field. The Slytherins were practising on the other side and sending them nasty looks occasionally.
Remus rolled his eyes from his spot next to Peter, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders over several layers of clothing. He was cold despite how many warm layers he was wearing. "I am not bummed out, mate," he called lightly to them, watching as they whispered to each other for a moment. "Neither am I old!"
"You're right, you're just missing the wildest night of the year because you want to," Sirius exclaimed, feet hitting down the ground as he landed. James landed right beside him with a grunt as he nearly stumbled but managed to catch himself.
Peter snorted a bit with amusement as he lay back on the grass, commenting, "nice landing."
"Hey!" James cried with a huff, "I'd like to see you try and land it."
"Oh, I wouldn't. You've seen me on a broom!"
Sirius barked with laughter at that, slapping James on the back as he headed towards the two. He pulled Remus up gently and then heaved Peter up, motioning them all to follow. His broom bounced on his shoulder as they went, he called something to the Slytherins that was met with a scowl.
As they headed towards the entrance of the Quidditch Pitch Sirius stopped and turned to them, a slight smile on his face. Which only meant trouble.
"What?" Remus asked as he shivered slightly, eyebrows raised onto his forehead.
"What? I'm not doing anything…"
"Yet," he quipped with disapproval.
"I want to give you a ride back towards the entrance so you don't have to walk," he huffed in offence. A slight scowl on his face as he crossed his arms.
"Really?" he asked, a bit shocked at the offer, one he really couldn't reject because he was feeling exhausted just standing there, "well thank you."
His pout disappeared in seconds and a grin replaced it. "That's the spirit! Peter can ride with James!"
"Huh?" Peter squeaked lightly, "no, I can walk back. Can't we, James?"
James shrugged, "eh, it's just one ride. You can handle that!"
"Mm...alright."
Remus frowned slightly, about to open his mouth to say that it was alright if they just walked back.
"Brilliant," Sirius interrupted, hopping onto his broom nudging his head to signal Remus to get on.
He acquiesced and gave a slight grunt of surprise when Sirius rose into the air without warning. He kept an arm around him as he held tightly onto the blanket, afraid that it would fly away when they started going. He flew off slowly towards Hogwarts when James and Peter were in the air, the ride pleasant for the most part until they got closer to the door of the castle. They circled a small area for a moment to Remus' and Peter's confusion until a group of unsuspecting first years opened the door.
The wind was sudden when the two sped up on their brooms and swept into the halls of the castle, the first years all screaming and diving out the way.
"Sirius!" Remus cried with fear, his blanket having been torn away from him with their sudden speed. They would find it stuck to a suit of armour later when they circled back to look for it on foot.
Peter's squeals sounded as James sped next to them, racing through the halls as a multitude of students dived and swerved to get out of their way. Cries of excitement and anger were thrown around, the flying pumpkins ricocheting off the walls.
The fear turned into excitement for Remus who held tightly onto Sirius, a relaxed grin on his face despite knowing that this was going to land them all in detention. Though his excitement didn't last long. The broom went spinning when a pumpkin crashed into Sirius' face hard enough that he managed to get it stuck on his head, pieces of it flying off in a spin. A yelp left him as he pulled the broom upwards. They began to go up until the broom evened out and Sirius landed them with a tumble.
Remus managed to catch himself on his knees, laughter bubbling out despite the accident that just happened. "Merlin!" he wheezed out, rolling onto his back as his laughs made his whole body shake. His knees were screaming with pain but he couldn't stop laughing.
James landed down with Peter, both worried for the two. Fortunately for Remus, he was completely fine, but unfortunately Sirius had biffed it. He was on the ground and trying to yank the pumpkin off his head.
"Get this off me!" he shouted, struggling to sit up.
That made the other three burst into laughter and left their friend to struggle for a moment.
He touched his cheeks to find them covered in tears as he let his thoughts drift, a soft smile on his face as he remembered the amount of detention that they had all had to serve for that stunt. He shifted a bit as his face fell, realizing that the memory wouldn't exist anymore and he had changed the day's course completely. They would never joke about Sirius' pumpkin head.
He would be the only one with those memories and it made him feel distant from his friends. It made him feel as if they were just memories despite them being there; living and breathing.
He wiped his face aggressively, forcing the tears to stop as he sat up. His hands shook as he got up, stripping and getting into his most festive jumper. It was just orange but it was all he could offer the holiday in his state.
He was about to go towards the door when his leg pained him and he grimaced. Remembering the potion that Severus had been given him, he dug in his bag and pulled out the bottle with his shaky hand. Uncorking it and taking a small sip, not willing to use much until it was time for the full moon.
Relief began to flood through him almost immediately as his aches dulled, not completely but enough to be able to move around freely. He emptied the contents of his bag on his bed and shoved the potion in it. He tucked a pair of new clothes and wand inside it for after the full moon, as he didn't plan on returning to the Gryffindor Tower.
He went down the stairs as fast as he could, which was with a considerable limp but still faster than he could've before the potion. When he got to the Gryffindor door he was bombarded with quite a few pumpkins which he sent floating on their way.
Getting to the Great Hall he opened the door and slipped in, seeing a good chunk of the student body missing. It gave him the space to quickly find his group of friends, which surprisingly still included Sirius, who still looked beyond pissed but the fact he was there was promising.
"Hey," he greeted softly when he got closer, Peter looking over at him with a mouth full of food.
"'Emus?" he exclaimed with surprise, swallowing thickly with a gulp of pumpkin juice, "what are you doing out of bed?"
"Remus!" James cried with some confusion, "we got you some breakfast, you didn't have to get out of bed, mate!"
"It's okay," he dismissed as he slipped down in the seat beside Peter, Sirius glancing at them with a sullen glare on his face, "I decided I want to be up and around."
"Oh," James blinked, sliding over the food he had wrapped in a napkin and a goblet of pumpkin juice, igniting Remus' forgotten hunger.
"Thanks, mate," he hummed softly, taking it and enjoying the meal while the rest of his friends sat in a considerable amount of awkward silence.
He just ignored that and ate his fill, readying himself. "Let's go out to the Quidditch field," he told them as he stood up, finishing off his juice.
"What? You're in no condition to be casually flying around, Remus," James answered with furrowed eyebrows. Sirius silently watched everything happen, a slight frown on his face. Peter agreed with a nod.
"Yeah, mate. You usually don't like flying a broom, why do you want to go?"
"Let's go, come on," he answered vaguely as he wouldn't let them talk him out of it as he got up and began to leave the hall. The two scrambled to get up but Sirius was slowly stirring and then standing.
"Remus, seriously?"
"Are you alright? Remus, the Slytherins are out there practising. It's stupid to go out there right now."
"As if they ever stopped you before!" he quipped lightly, knowing this was completely out of character for himself but he couldn't stop, "come on, maybe just lay on the field?"
"No, knowing them they would drop a bludger on your head, mate," James pinched the bridge of his nose with some annoyance, grabbing him and stopping him in his tracks before he could even get the front door open. "What's got your knickers in a twist?"
"Why do my knickers have to be in a twist to want to go out to the Quidditch field?" he asked with furrowed brows, a bit irritated. This wasn't supposed to be happening, he wasn't supposed to be the one who was acting barmy.
"Because not even an hour ago you were held up in bed and couldn't bring yourself to get up!" he continued, tight grip on his wrist so he didn't go anywhere.
Remus yanked out of the grip, giving a slight glare as he rubbed at it. He was growing more desperate by the minute to have them all have the same memory, to laugh and be happy again. He looked around and made a split-second decision and grabbed one of the floating pumpkins, which just happened to have a carved face, making his job ten times easier.
Throwing out the candles inside he moved and brought the pumpkin down on Sirius' head, who yelled almost immediately to being assaulted with a pumpkin.
"Remus!" Peter cried with astonishment, red in the face as he tried not to let out any sort of amusement.
James on the other hand was unable to contain his laughter as Sirius began to swear loudly.
"You fucking twat!" he cried as he ripped the pumpkin off his head, face covered in chunks of pumpkin and what guts hadn't been completely scooped out, "what the fuck was that for? I wasn't the one haggling you dammit!"
Anxiety and grief had stricken his chest at what he did, realising that this was going to be the Halloween they remembered rather than the one in his head. Anxiously wiping his hands on his jumper he used the first excuse he could think of, "that is for being a dickhead this morning!"
"You came down here just to smash a pumpkin on my head!?"
"No, but it just happened," he murmured quietly as he wrung his hands, guilt bubbling its way up to his chest. He hadn't been thinking at all and felt completely idiotic for the stunt he had pulled, it would be something Sirius or James would do without any care about anyone's feelings. He didn't have it in him, especially not today.
"Fine!" Sirius just threw his hands into the air angrily and stormed off.
James calmed down his laughter when he saw this, calming down enough to shout, "Sirius! It isn't that bad! Just smash a pumpkin on Remus' head later!"
The three of them watched him continue to stalk off, stomping dramatically around the corner. Remus' guilt started to eat at him as he chewed his lip. Peter and James shrugged it off for now because Sirius wasn't going to have a rational discussion about what had happened until he cooled off.
He didn't know how they could just shrug it off like it was nothing, he practically had almost just given Sirius a concussion with the pumpkin. He just wanted to feel connected to his friends again but now they felt more distant than ever. They were right in front of him and they still were as far away as they were inside his memories, all the memories that made them real to him just didn't seem all that real anymore.
"I'm going to go lay down now," he said quietly which sobered up the two immediately and they could finally see how much that action was beating him up inside him.
He turned and wandered off immediately not waiting for their responses, not bothering to turn around and see the frowns on their faces. Ambling his way back up the Gryffindor tower and right back towards his dorm. James called after him half-heartedly but afterwards decided to leave him be. Remus sat in his bed, staring at his hands as if they had been the ones to control his actions earlier. A shame settled into his chest, all frustration melting away into a deep-set sadness.
Why did he have to do that? He had to apologise to Sirius when he was calm enough to listen, not that Sirius had an obligation to actually forgive him. He didn't think he was deserving of forgiveness for smashing a pumpkin on top of his head. It was an out of pocket thing to do.
The self-hatred melted away into an exhausting nap before he was rudely woken up by James, who was shoving a plate of food into his face in the next second, which was apparently lunch. He sat up and picked at it lightly, still half asleep as he waited for James to leave him alone.
Which did not happen, his friend seemed to hover there awkwardly as he watched Remus eat food.
He set the plate on his lap when he couldn't take much more of James' staring and gave him a tired, questioning look. "What?"
"Er," James hummed a bit nervously as if he didn't know how to say whatever he was trying to get at, wiggling and adjusting the glasses on his face before he finally said, "I just wanted you to know we're all still coming to have breakfast with you like always."
"All?" he asked sceptically, eyebrows raised.
"Yes, I'll drag Sirius by his hair if I have to," he promised with a weak smile, showing Remus that the promise might be a hard one to keep.
"I don't blame him if he doesn't come, I smashed a pumpkin on his head, mate," he said with a shake of his head, the guilt settling a little more uncomfortably in his stomach again, "I'll just apologise when he isn't upset anymore."
"He needs to apologise to you too."
"I'll wait for the day that happens," Remus snorted, picking at his lunch again, "just promise me you and Peter will be there with some muffins."
"Is muffins your new obsession?" he asked with a snort back, giving a more genuine smile as he tried to lift the mood.
"Yes, cheap and easy to make," he answered back, not hungry so he set his plate aside, "can make a bunch to last you for a week or two. Potatoes too."
"You're the expert of long-lasting foods now, are you?"
"Yep, had- my mum likes to teach me all about that sort of stuff," he said, shifting a bit uncomfortably then changed the subject, "thank you."
"Of course, mate, what're friends for?"
"Definitely not for smashing a pumpkin over your head, that's for sure…"
Waking up, his first thought was the transformation had been almost peaceful, as he had quickly passed out after completely downing the potion. Thankfully, he had hurriedly lied down so he had not just collapsed where he stood. Everything else had been a blur or nothing but flashes of colour.
He moved his hand slowly, finding the ache that was usually in his limbs after a transformation was dulled quite a bit, and he silently thanked Severus. Maybe he would be able to get out of the infirmary a few days earlier than he usually did, as it didn't seem he had any huge injuries of any kind, but he could feel a bandage wrapped around one of his arms and one or two on his face.
He let his hand grow limp, too exhausted to do anything else. He didn't want to do anything else and being conscious made the emotions resurface. Things he didn't want to think about.
Remus heard the rustle of the curtains around his bed being moved, but he kept his eyes shut. He was too numb to do anything, at least until he heard the clink of a bottle on the nightstand. He cracked one of his eyes open, surprised to see Severus there. He set the second dose of the potion on the nightstand and hesitated for a second before turning to leave as quickly as he came.
Remus spoke suddenly, mouth moving on its own. This was someone who could understand, he couldn't speak about this to anyone else. Anyone else would never understand and likely wouldn't even if he had tried to explain. He didn't want to put them in danger either.
"I feel so disheartened, Severus."
Severus whipped around at the sound of his voice, then straightened out as if he had been paying attention. The holiday must have been affecting him as well.
Remus continued unable to stop himself, his eyes burning, "I, I have moments I remember and they have no guarantee to ever happen again. It's so isolating, knowing a friend only to not truly know them as they are still yet to be, to be shaped by the things that have happened."
"Your grieving is empty, Lupin." The answer was gruff and a tad bit cold, but it only fueled him further.
"D, don't say such things, Severus, I know you are grieving for the things you've lost. The experiences, friendships, grievances, respect."
"Do not perceive me as such," he answered coolly, crossing his arms and turning away a bit. The small action showed Remus that he had hit a spot in Severus without meaning to.
"This is a second chance, isn't it?" he said, wearily looking at Severus with tears in his eyes, voice cracking as he continued, "our second chance to finally do, do good? If we're supposed to be doing good, why does it have to hurt so much? I've lost my wife, my son. I ha, have a son, Severus, did you know that?"
"No, Lupin, I did not. I'm sure you'll forgive me for not being involved with your affairs."
"His name was, is Teddy…"
He stared at him, Severus saying nothing at all but his lips thinned into a straight line. Looking a bit irritated with Remus, or maybe it was to stop himself from saying something rude, he could never tell Snape's motives or emotions.
That lack of emotion caused Remus' to bubble out as he let out a slight sob. "Oh, god, Severus!" he said pitifully, the emotions from the day before just getting too much for him, "I thought, I thought I had gotten over this..."
He hid his face in his hands to quiet his crying, breathing heavily. He couldn't face Severus like this, it was embarrassing.
Then, he felt a hand on his shoulder and he glanced up to see him standing there. Like he was trying to give Remus comfort but didn't know how or was very comfortable doing it.
"Well in twenty years you'll have to woo Nymphadora into marrying you again."
The words shocked Remus so much he began to chuckle softly then it turned to quiet laughter, patting Severus' hand with his tear-streaked hand. "You have a way with words, Severus."
Severus was scowling at the wet tears being wiped onto his hand, not very happy to be comforting Remus when he could have left ages ago. When he didn't reply it lapsed into a long silence, which was uncomfortable yet comforting at the same time.
He cleared his throat, breaking the silence, "take your potion, Lupin."
"It's Remus…" he replied automatically, shaking his head in some amusement, "thank you, Severus."
Snape gave a stiff nod, removing his hand from his shoulder.
Remus leaned more into his pillow as he calmed down. Rubbing his eyes as he yawned, looking at the other for a moment and gave a soft smile. Settling in for more sleep, he was comforted more than he thought he would be after that conversation. Taking no time to fall into a peaceful sleep.
Meanwhile, Snape stood there and stared at him until he made sure he wasn't about to wake up again. More conflicted than he had ever been as he silently made his way out of the room.