******meanwhile on Coruscant, Senate building

Palpatine sat in his lush chair, his gaze aimlessly wandering across the skyline of Coruscant through the vast and luxurious windows of his office.

Kenshin Kano...his inquiries at the Jedi Council, under the pretext of fatherly curiousity, had not resulted in much. He had learned that the man was a Jedi Master despite his young age, and reports his intelligence agents found him told that he was the "hero of Gentora". The council had explained their choice by wanting someone closer to Anakin's age to train him, since the boy's relationship with his previous, elderly Master had proven difficult. His appearance wasn't very revealing either. Not very tall, although impressively built. Probably proficient in his martial skills. A tad bit rude in his demeanour, maybe. When the man had stood in his office, he hadn't been able to sense anything which was bizarre. Anakin's signature was as bright as a super nova, as usual, while Master Kano seemed to be void. He had met non-Force sensitives with a stronger aura. Sheev wasn't sure whether the ominous Jedi Master represented a threat to his plans or not. One could never be too sure. His gaze settled on a chalice on his wall, one of the many handpicked, delicate pieces to decorate the office. An idea formed in his mind.

******Giju

Desolation. The scenery reminded him vaguely of the rugged mountains of Tatooine, the temperature however didn't. He felt cold, colder than the temperature could be made responsible for. The icy wind seemed to suck all energy out if him, his thoughts wandered off to his mother. The one who had always been there, providing warmth and comfort. He hadn't seen her in eight years by now and he missed her terribly. The memory rushing to him nearly made him cry, but no. He was a Jedi, he would not cry! Especially not here, not now when Tesha or his Master could see it. The last thing he wanted was either of them to think he was weak.

Kenshin had predicted it would take them about two days of marching through the rough, rocky terrain. The medical supplies, tied up in three packs, along with their own supplies, weighed heavy. In a way, Anakin was grateful for it, the exertion helped make him feel warmer. Although it seemed to become heavier and heavier the longer they walked.

They covered a first stretch in the darkness, just to get clear of the space port and into empty, less busy territory where they were far less likely to be detected, rested for the remainder of the night and continued their trip in the daylight. Tesha was leading the group now, Anakin in the middle and Kenshin was last. Anakin was reminded of a small caravan of Banthas, forging its way through a desert. It was a desolate scenery that presented itsself to the Jedi, nothing to cheer up Anakin's mood. And his charge felt as if it weighed more by the minute. He didn't want to ask for a break. Not when everyone else seemed to have no problem with theirs. Then he stumbled over a rock and landed one knee on the ground. He grunted, it was so hard to get up.

"Give me your pack." Anakin looked up to see that his Master was the source of the demand and held back a curse, blushing in shame about being caught in a moment of weakness. He was about to embarrass himself infront of the very person he had to prove the most to.

I have to suck it up, kriff! get up, dammit he thought to himself.

"No, no, it's alright, I just tripped, there's no problem" he said, trying to sound convincing.

"Give me your pack" he insisted.

Anakin stared at him with resolve.

"No. I'm part of this mission, and I will do my part. I will keep carrying that myself!" he protested

"You're slowing us down" Kenshin said sternly and then a bit more softly "Listen, those packs are heavy, even with the use of the Force. There's no shame in accepting help to advance best as a team. I don't think any less of you because of it"

"Tesha has no problem carrying hers!"

"Tesha is not wasting energy prizing her ego over the mission."

Begrudgingly, the teenager conceded. The Padawan was finally taking off his charge as he was abruptly and violently getting swept flat to the ground by a Force push.

"DOWN!" Tesha and Anakin heard two blaster shots following Kenshin's bellowed command before a warning in the Force could reach them and two metal chunks the size of a large human head fell to the ground a short distance from the Jedi team. Kenshin checked the sky for more hostile objects and then charged towards them, his blaster still in his hand.

"What the blazes is that" both Padawan asked as they ran up to join him.

"Recon droids. Mangy, blasted bastards, someone suspected we're here!" Kenshin set to work on the droids disabled by his blaster, expressing his contempt for whoever had sent the droids with a stream of obscenities in both basic and another language Tesha didn't recognize.

"Kenshin, what are you doing?" she then asked the young Master

"Extracting the motherboards. To salvage whatever information is on them. I'll transmit the content to the Council once we set camp for the night"

"Will the transmission not get noticed or jammed?"

"Not if you conceal it properly"

"You know how to do that?" Tesha asked in astonishement

Kenshin only gave her an offended look as an answer. "Apparently, he knows" Anakin shrugged his shoulders. He looked up to the horizon. Something nudged him in the Force.

"Master?" he said, "I think those droids got company!"

In that very moment, both Kenshin's and Anakin's lightsabers hummed to life. Tesha's green blade followed a second later to help protect the three Jedi against a stream of blaster fire coming from two masked and armoured humans quickly approaching on speeder bikes. Anakin felt a spike of energy surging within him, blending out everything else around him. He knew what to do, his hand and body didn't need conscious guidance anymore. He somersaulted towards the two attackers, blade moving swiftly. Two dead corpses dropped into the cold, arid dust to his feet as he landed. He stood there, panting. At first, he was filled with a feeling of elation. His blows had not missed their targets. Then realization dawned and he gasped. He had just taken two lifes.

'What have I done'

A wave of shock went through him. All the bravado and swagger he usually carried himself with had apruptly vanished into dust. This was real, not just some combat simulation or practice droid. The two attackers had intended to kill them. And gotten killed in return. Yet something felt very wrong. Guilt and regret swallowed him.

'What have I done. Jedi defend, they never attack.

He dropped onto his knees, his lightsaber dropping to the ground, burying his face in his hands. Fighting the pirates on Vaquor, he had used possibly lethal force, too, but he had, in the end, only disabled and injured his opponents, not killed them. Enemy or not, those attackers had been people with a name, friends, and a family, possibly children of their own. And he had taken it from them.

He felt a gentle but strong grip on his shoulder pulling him up and pushing him to move. The three left the place and found a crevice to hide in and then continued their travel in the dark to avoid detection. Only the next morning, at dawn, they finally stopped to rest. Kenshin set up a transmission to Coruscant and Tesha slept. Anakin couldn't sleep, he was still shaken, and he crept away into a corner of the cave they had found to hide in during daylight hours. It was a fairly large cave with few traces of smaller animals. Save the small entrance hole, the cave could have accomodated a small starfighter and provided excellent protection from both the frigid winds and unwelcome eyes.

"Anakin. Are you ok?"

His Masters' voice rattled him out of his thoughts. He was not alright, not at all. He had taken two lifes. He had known this would happen eventually. But now that it had, it felt all too real and terrifying. Not that he would ever admit it, least of all to the Jedi Master who was currently looking at him with a concerned face. He felt so much, everything was so intense. What would his mother think of him now? In the last few months, her face had appeared more and more often in his memories, thoughts and dreams. Serene and gentle, as she looked at him with encouragement to send him off to a new, free life. A better life. What was ne now? Free and powerful like he had imagined a Jedi Knight to be? He wasn't a knight yet. And he missed his mother terribly. Had he made the wrong choice? His head was nothing but a proper sandstorm of thoughts and emotions in his head. It often was, and often, he wasn't able to pick out in detail what was wrong, and now that there was an actual reason it felt even worse. Kenshin would never understand. Anakin barely understood himself.

"Hmmm" was all he therefore gave as a response. He shivered in the air that felt way too cold for his liking.

"Does this mean 'yes', or 'no' or 'fuck off I don't wanna talk to you'?" his Master asked calmly.

"The latter" Anakin replied more sharply than he wanted to.

"Take this" Kenshin threw him his cloak and left, settling near the entrance of the cave. No hint in is voice whether he had taken offense at Anakin's harsh tone or not. Wrapping up in the additional layer he felt a bit better. Still couldn't sleep but warmer at least. Some time passed and he realized he didn't want to be alone. Maybe talk to Tesha? No, she was asleep and while she seemed nice, he didn't know her well enough to confide in her, with things he was embarrassed about. His look fell on Kenshin, back resting against a rock, staring into empty space. Apart from some sort of armor covering his forearms, his muscled arms were bare. Anakin shook his head. How in the blazes did his Master wear a sleeveless tunic in temperatures like this! The teenager hesitated, not sure if the other Jedi was willing to keep him company, but then again, he had made the effort to check in on him. Reluctantly, he stood up and walked over to him.

"Uhm...can I sit with you?"

"Sure" Kenshin replied, giving him a surprised look and then staring at nothing again while Anakin sat down next to him.

"How are you never cold, Master?"

"I didn't grow up on a desert planet. And you should sleep"

"Can't sleep"

"You're upset. It was the first time you killed someone."

"How...how do you know? I didn't invite you to read my thoughts!"

"I didn't read your thoughts. I can just sense your feelings. Taking a life is...it's not easy to deal with. If you want to talk, I'll listen."

"You're not easy to talk to, you know? You're …."

„Grim and annoying and not a very likeable person. I know. That doesn't mean I don't care"

"Do you? I mean, do you care?"

"Yes, believe it or not."

Anakin searched for his words. Even though Kenshin seemed to know already, he still didn't want to admit how the attack and the kill had shaken him.

"What is it with that line, that there is no emotion, there is peace? I mean, that's not helpful at all!"

"Because without explanation, it's a pile of bantha poodoo. In the end, you want to achieve control. But the Code as such neglects reality, it neglects the fact that emotions can't just be cast aside, they need to be acknowledged, and dealt with. Peace only exist with passion to create, and passion needs peace to guide. We must never lust for power for it's own sake, but it's a fact that we wield it. Knowledge needs the strength to act, and power the serenity to see."

"So it's about control, and fear and anger and everything. You say it's natural and how the Code forbidding emotions is wrong and yet you say I must control them. How am I supposed to understand?"

"It's hard to understand and it'll take you some time. Force knows it took me a while. There is not one Jedi who doesn't struggle with it. But I have chosen to face this struggle. It is this choice that makes us who we are. It's by accepting your feelings that you'll eventually be able to handle them, and not get blinded by them. In order to be in control, you eventually have to be able to let go. Once you understand that you don't need what you're clinging to, you'll be able to let go. That's called confidence."

"But I am confident!"

"No. What you're having is just blind arrogance!"

"That's not nice to say. And not true!"

"It is true, stop fooling yourself. And I'm not a nice guy, as you'd be the first to confirm."

Anakin spent a while in contemplation and finally said "For once, you make sense, Master"

"There's a first for everything!" Kenshin replied drily.

"When you killed someone for the first time, what was it like? How did you handle it?"

All of a sudden, Kenshin froze and quickly looked away. For a long, awkward moment, he didn't speak. Noticing his Master's reaction, Anakin sighed. Looked like he had hit one of the sour spots again.

"I...I didn't handle it very well" Kenshin said at last.

**** Coruscant, 10 years earlier*******

The pain he felt in his heart was so immense and unbearable, he had stopped noticing anything going on around him. Not the Jedi Knights of the extraction team that found him weeping next to Master Fay's dead body, gently pulling him away, not the journey on the starship bringing the survivors back to Coruscant, not the half admiring – half terrified looks and incredulous whispers about how a 13 year old Padawan had bested and killed a Sith Lord in one on one lightsaber combat. By the time the Jedi shuttle had arrived on Coruscant, his stream of tears had stopped but he didn't hear anything and he didn't speak. Aerin Fay had been one of the purest, most revered Masters in the Jedi Order. While her views had challenged the Council more often than not, she had been the epitome of peace and compassion, having solved military conflicts and wars without raising a weapon even once. Deciding she was not destined to teach, she had chosen the life of a wandering Jedi, doing deeds across the galaxy wherever she felt she was needed. Her exploits had eventually brought her to Nanta. Legends spoke of a long-forgotten Jedi temple from millennia ago and the Force told her to search for it. On this journey, she found an extremely force-sensitive human boy, an orphan being raised in a monastery on this backwater world on the edges of the outer rim, outside republic territory. Feeling a deep connection, she decided to train him despite her vow to never take a Padawan. The monks demanded that the boy would remain in the monastery until he was at least 10 years old, only then they would allow for him to be taken off-planet. With great surprise and some reluctance, the Council had allowed Master Fay to train the child under these conditions. So Fay stayed on Nanta, training the boy in the ways of the Force. After his tenth life day, she would take him on missions, to meet other Jedi and see the galaxy. But it was Nanta that remained their base, she never took him to the Coruscant temple. The boy was gifted with a soul and powers in the Force the Jedi would never understand. As the Masters at the temple now saw this mysterious apprentice, they had the impression of looking at a frightened, wild animal. It was impossible to tell if the boy was in shock, or mute, or simply didn't understand basic – even when directly spoken to, the child didn't respond. He certainly didn't look like someone who had killed a Sith Lord, and yet he had. At a loss, they left him with the other survivors for the time being. Every member of the mission got checked at the healers' wing and then sent to a dorm to sleep for the night but the boy could find no way to rest. The pain felt like it would tear him apart. The sense of guilt, of failure. He had lost the person that meant most to him. He had been too slow, not good enough, he had not been able to save his Master. He couldn't live like that. Kenshin was short and small for a 13 year old which made it easy to sneak out of the dorm room. The temple guards patrolling the hallways should have been able to sense the boy stealing past them, but the young teenager instinctively drew the Force around him like a cloak. He wouldn't have been able to explain what he did or how, but it worked. When he passed someone, nobody felt even the slightest hint of a presence. He started to run aimlessly, speeding through corridors and aisles for what felt like hours and hours of running and chasing. Finally he found himself standing on a wide terrace, high up on the main temple building. There was a tree, and one could overlook a large area of Coruscant with millions of lights blinking in all imaginable colours and an endless stream of speeders and all kinds of vehicles passing by in interlacing patterns. He clasped his hands tightly around the hilt of his lightsaber and made the blade emerge. The gold-greenish pastel blade, that had slayed and killed Darth Har'kaal, gently glowed in the night as he held it up and looked at it, tears streaming down his face again. Darth Har'kaal had fallen from this blade, but only after the dark lord had inflicted deadly wounds upon Master Fay. The woman who had helped raise him, who had been like a mother to him. He had been too late. Too slow, not skilled enough. He had failed.

"Perdonà, Sensei!"

Forgive me, Master

Kenshin closed his eyes and turned the blade against himself.