Edit: Hello, and thank you so much to everyone who left a review!
For anyone who asked: I do have plans for Obi-Wan making appearances in the coming chapters, I did not forget about him. He's super hard to write, I'm concerned about getting it wrong so give me some time ;)
And yes, there will be confrontations between Kenshin and a certain former Jedi...there is definitely some potential for friction if you know what I mean
The dense fog slowly lifted and something in Kenshin's mind stirred. Why did one feel pain, thirst and hunger after death? Shouldn't becoming one with the Force relieve the spirit of such physical predicaments? Why did his head feel as if an entire herd of banthas was stampeding right through it? He opened his eyes a little bit and saw a familiar face, although the picture was blurry and he didn't quite recognize who it was.
Sleep. When sleeping, the world was so peaceful and quiet. Why couldn't he just fall back asleep, and stay asleep until the end of times. Instead, wavering images and memories came back in incoherent, fragmented sequences. His mind put the pieces together as they came, and at last the scene violently hit him with shocking clarity. The explosion, they had sprung a trap. Anakin! What happened to Anakin?
Apruptly, he sat up and felt a sharp pain shoot through his abdomen and back. His vision cleared, he heard himself cry out in pain, emitting a stream of expletives that would have done a Hutt proud and he realized: He was not dead. He was in Aiko's house and she was looking at him with a concerned face.
"Finally. Thought you would sleep forever. Don't move. And don't speak. You need rest!"
"Anakin...?"
"Glad to see you awake, Master!" Anakin stepped into his field of vision, a relieved smile on his lips.
"You, glad to see me? It must be you who's hurt, not me." Kenshin said. Anakin gave him a short report how he had managed to get him out of the jungle, back to the village where they had called on everyone who had any healing skills. He had been in a rather rough condition. One more day without medical attention and he would have died.
But Anakin had done it! He had grown beyond his fears and overcome his aversion of animals. With the help of the Force, he had managed to summon Stoopa, the arashi he had been riding to into the depths of the jungle, and gotten the winged lizard to bring the two Jedi back to civilization.
The ride had been cold and long. In order to keep Kenshin warm enough to survive, he had wrapped him into every garment they had with them, with little regard to his own comfort. And in the end, they made it. With all the damage he had taken, the healers and shamans called by Hiro and Aiko were able to save his Master. Anakin was relieved, hopeful and also a little proud of himself. He had gotten something right for once, maybe he wasn't such a hopeless case after all.
Instead of consulting the temple healers when arriving back on Coruscant, Kenshin went straight to the archives and accessed a hidden vault Anakin hadn't even known it existed. This was where their findings would be secured for now, until the Jedi Master would come up with an idea how to find the two fragments of the Force medallion that were still missing. The teenager, curious as always, had of course inquired about it, especially about the unidentified planet from Quinlan's psychometric analysis, but Kenshin had been cagey about his ideas, or maybe he really was as clueless as he claimed to be, or he was simply exhausted. In spite of his injuries, he hadn't taken much time to rest and still moved with some difficulty. Anakin was actually astonished to see him on his feet again, only days after he had nearly been blown to pieces in the depths of the Nantoan jungle.
When Kenshin had already left the archives, Anakin remained to do some research on his own. It took a lot for Anakin to set foot in a library by his own will, but the subject of Force sensitive artefacts interested him that much that he stayed. Jocasta Nu spotted him and approached with a small box.
"Young Skywalker, maybe you could do me a service. This is something that I meant to give to your Master – I've kept it all these years, eventually forgetting about it. He'd never been much at the temple since he was promoted to Jedi knight. These days I've cleaned out old storage compartments and it fell into my hands again. Please do me the favour and give it to him. My old legs are not quite up to chasing after him through the entire temple, so if you could be so kind?"
"Of course, Madame Nu"
Anakin bowed politely and took the box. Curious, he hurried to his own room first and opened the lid which revealed a lightsaber hilt and a pendant on a string of bantha leather. The pendant was formed to picture the head of a Yashkaru, the strange, mysterious creatures of Kenshin's homeworld, beautifully crafted out of a silvery shining metal he didn't recognize. He took the lightsaber...a phrik hilt, delicately reflecting the light shining from the ceiling. It was ornamented with only a few wooden rings, beautiful but functional and simple, as all of Kenshin's things were. At least the teenager figured that the weapon had at some point belonged to his Master. Anakin ignited it, a blade of a beautiful green-gold colour emerged. The colour was an exquisite shade perfectly balanced between gold and pastel green. Any lightsaber was a potentially lethal weapon, yet this blade spoke of protection, peace and serenity. Very unlike the deep purple one he was wielding now which evoked a sense of strength, violence...and mortal danger. The weapon of a warrior, not a peacekeeper. If that had been Kenshin's saber, why had he given it up and how had it ended up in that box? Figuring that this mystery would not unravel itself, he shut it off and made his way to Kenshin's quarters.
"Master, Madame Nu handed me this to give to you." Of course, he didn't tell him that he had opened and examined the contents. Kenshin opened the box and immediately dropped it like a blistering hot brick. He began to tremble, his eyes were widened with shock, and all of a sudden he had trouble staying upright on his feet, supporting himself against the wall. Then he doubled over as if in great anguish.
A sharp, searing pain flashed through him the moment he saw what the box contained. His vision instantly faded into white, blinded by a cold gleaming light, and the world around him seemed to crumble. His breath became laboured as if he had fought a vicious battle and he had trouble getting air. It felt as if something was clasping around his neck. He had not seen the weapon or the pendant in over ten years, but immediately recognized both. In only an instant, it all came back. The ineffable grief, the all-consuming sense of guilt, the suffering, the silent screams of a 13 year old boy that tore apart not ears but his own soul. Screams and tears that had never found solace. He didn't feel the gentle squeeze of Anakin's hand on his shoulder, nor did he hear Anakin's worried voice.
The light buzz of a green-gold lightsaber was humming in his ears, as it clashed against a crimson red blade. Desperate outcries, wailing of beings that had just lost loved ones, detonations of explosive charges, blaster fire. Then, against the faint noise of Coruscant's night traffic in the distance, again the steady hum of the pastel green-gold blade in the dark, ignited with the intention to end it once and for all.
Anakin ran. He had to get help and he could only hope that the right person was at the temple and not yet gone again, off to his occupation of scouring the underworld and ridding it of criminal filth. Thank the Force he found him in his own quarters.
The Kiffar didn't loose any time, he wrapped his friend in a blanket and held him in a tight embrace for a long time, but Kenshin didn't stop shaking.
"Master Vos, what is going on? I don't understand!"
"I'm not sure, I think he's having a flashback. He's lived through something terrible when he was a kid, and seeing this ..." Quinan gestured to the lightsaber hilt and pendant "...he was thrown right back into that moment. You did the right thing calling me! Force, this is serious! I never thought I'd see him like that."
"But...It's just a lightsaber and a pretty necklace."
"This is the lightsaber he wielded as a Padawan. And the necklace belonged to his Master, he had gifted it to her when he had been but a little boy." Quinlan explained. He still remembered Kenshin telling him how he had spent weeks collecting semi-precious stones in the mountains, as an 8 year old youngling, to finally seek out one of the wandering artisans on his homeworld and trade them for the little pendant to gift to his Master as a sign of gratefulness and appreciation.
"Why does he react to it like that, what happened back then?"
"I'm afraid I cannot tell you, Anakin. I really am sorry, but I don't think I should talk about it. He wouldn't forgive me, I might loose the best friend I have."
"Of course, I understand." Of course, Anakin didn't understand anything, only that Kenshin seemed to keep a terrible secret and nobody trusted him with anything, let alone secrets. Anakin recalled what he had seen through the Force in his Master's mind the night before entering the ancient temple on Nanta. This tremendous pain. Why did Kenshin refuse to talk about it, why did he not open up? He only wanted to help!
Ultimately, Quinlan used a sleep suggestion to stop his friend's seizure and after a good night's sleep and a few days passed, Kenshin seemed restored, back to normal. Although 'normal' was a far-fetched word to term the Nantoan Jedi with.
"How are we going to find the other fragments?" Anakin asked again. He had accompanied his Master into the vault, where they were once more examining the artifact fragment they had found.
"Don't know" Kenshin replied absentedly. He seemed spaced out, not showing any interest in the fact he was being talked to.
"You don't know or you don't wanna tell me?" Anakin asked sulkily.
"I said I don't know" his Master snapped, now throwing an angry glare in Anakin's direction. Disgruntedly, Anakin stared back. On Nanta, he felt like they finally had forged a true bond. Maybe they would become Master and apprentice after all, supporting each other and growing together, possibly even becoming friends. But now, since that strange incident with that damned box, Kenshin was more taciturn, grim and morose than ever. He spent a suspicious amount of time in the archives, didn't speak a word to anyone and seemed constantly absent, even during their training sessions together.
Anakin had begun to work harder. He never wanted to feel weak again, he never wanted to feel the fear again that he had felt when the dark side, his dark side, had tried to secure its hold over him. He never wanted to feel so powerless again. His mother had begun to appear in his dreams and every time he saw her it was sheer terror. One day, one day soon he would, he had to go free her! He had to get his promotion to knighthood as quickly as he could. He would go free his mom! And all the other slaves on Tatooine. And then the galaxy. He had to become a powerful Jedi knight, and it had to happen soon. The urge grew stronger by the day, he became restless and more impulsive and brash than he had been before. It reached a point where even Kyle, his best friend, grew alienated by Anakin's behaviour. Anakin wanted to explain, but the little he understood about his feelings was not something he could talk about to anyone. Attachments were forbidden, and nobody in the Jedi temple would understand, not even his Master. Least of all his Master, given the walls Kenshin was building around himself. The frequently occurring nightmares messed with his sleep.
"Something's wrong. What is it?" Kenshin asked as a way of greeting as Anakin showed up to one of their morning training sessions. As weirdly as Kenshin himself behaved, it didn't escape his notice that something was brewing in Anakin's mind. The Padawan didn't understand how a person could be so socially awkward and distant and at the same time so awfully perceptive. His Master's dark brown eyes were scrutinizing him.
"Nothing!"
"I can sense something's up, Anakin! You don't look alright!"
"Says the guy who looks like the textbook definition of a kriffin' mess himself!"
The two were staring at each other and both knew the other wasn't buying it.
"Teach me Vaapad, Master!" Anakin demanded.
"Where is that coming from? I will, when you're ready."
"When I'm ready? I am ready! How much harder to you want me to work? I have surpassed everyone my age, why can't you see it!" And indeed he had. His newly found vigor and efforts didn't fail to bring results in both his combat skills and mastery of Force skills, he even forced himself to meditate every day.
"It's not talent that you lack. It's your control. Your self acceptance. You have no idea what Vaapad really entails."
"Yeah, and how am I supposed to know when nobody teaches me! Windu taught you when you were, how old, 13? 14?"
***Jedi temple, Coruscant, 9 years earlier
A hyperstorm to happen, that's what Mace thought the young teenager was. The black hair cut buzz-short, Padawan braid resting on his shoulders, the boy sat motionlessly as did the small, green Grandmaster next to him. Windu observed how Yoda instructed young Kenshin in animal kinship. Only that the old Master didn't have to teach him much, the Padawan controlled the swarm of colourful birds as effortlessly as his own body. At now 14 years old, the boy mastered feats in the Force that most grown and established Jedi knights didn't accomplish. Yet, something was off. Windu couldn't pinpoint what it was. There was darkness. It was that strange melange of elusiveness and stubborn rebelliousness. The entire year that Kenshin had now spent at the temple, under Yoda's guidance, he hadn't spoken a word. He understood and mostly followed commands given, but never spoke, not even when directly asked a question. All he gave was that intense, taunting glare. He didn't have friends amongst the other padawan. A few, who hadn't immediately felt deterred by his creepy demeanour, had tried to approach and bond with him, but Kenshin pushed them away. He always kept to himself and had a way to make others feel what he wanted – or rather, not wanted – without speaking. The only people he tolerated in his proximity, besides Yoda, were Quinlan Vos – notorious troublemaker in his own right - and an older Padawan named Makiri. The young man who had saved Kenshin from comitting suicide. Mace shook his head in disapproval. Not ever should the Council have allowed Master Fay to train the child on his homeworld, away from the Council's surveillance. What Mace planned to do – he wasn't sure if it would bring the salvation he hoped for or if it would be the final straw to push the boy over the edge. Only one way to find out, however, and reluctantly, Yoda had agreed. Even with all his wisdom and experience, the wise grandmaster didn't get through to the boy. Grief, pain and fear filled his mind and he didn't let go of those feelings no matter what, he still mourned his Master.
"Come" Mace said and took the boy to the dojo. Swords and combat training seemed to be the only thing the boy truly enjoyed and despite his young age, Kenshin's martial proficiency was already frightening. Maybe that was a means to reach through to the kid. If words and meditation couldn't beat his spoilt ways out of him, maybe Vaapad could. They would use live blades, not just the harmless training sabers. Kenshin hadn't touched his own lightsaber, the weapon he had tried to kill himself with, since the day it had happened. As Windu presented the hilt to the boy, something changed. Where the boy usually shielded himself to the point he resembled a void more than anything, Mace could now sense Kenshin's emotions very clearly. Sharp, searing pain. Then, blazing fury.
"No" Kenshin said and glared at Mace with utter defiance. It was the first time Mace heard the boy speak.
"So, what will you fight with, if not with your lightsaber? Spoiled little jungle rat!" Mace said and ignited his blade. He would teach the kid what Jedi discipline meant. He would teach him his place. Yoda was far too gentle in his methods.
Kenshin's eyes appeared to glow from within. The Force attack came so quickly and with so much power, it caught Mace in surprise and knocked him off his feet. The tall Korun rubbed his head where he was feeling a sharp pang that had not come from the too well dosed Force push that had swept him off balance. The boy had attempted a mind assault on him! Blasted little demon! He had courage, Mace had to give it to him, and he was powerful for his age. But he was still only a Padawan, and Mace was a grown Jedi Master who now dismissed all the Jedi composure he had cultivated all his life. He would teach Kenshin his lesson, one way or the other.
***Jedi temple, Coruscant, in the now
"My path was different. Vaapad is a way to channel the dark side within you, yes. A way to channel and use anger. But you have a lust for power. That's something I never had. That lust for power is why - until you learn to tame it – you'd fail horribly attempting Vaapad. You don't want to hear it but you need to learn mastery of yourself"
"Ah, so you never fight with anger?"
"Oh, I do. The difference is: I am not consumed by it. I command it!"
"You're just holding me back, that's what you're doing!"
"No. You do that yourself. I'm not going to just say what you want to hear. I will tell you the truth. Learn to deal with it!" Kenshin said sternly. Anakin and his arrogance could be so exasperating. Hadn't they gone through this exercise a hundred times by now? What did it take for the boy to understand that he wanted the exact opposite of holding him back? A sudden bout of nausea washed over him, he struggled to keep his knees from buckling. He hadn't eaten in days, drawing on the Force to sustain himself. Every time he tried to get some food down, it made him feel sick and ready to vomit.
"I think you're jealous, Master!"
"Jealous of what, exactly? Of your blind arrogance? Certainly not."
"You're jealous of my power, of my potential. I know I made mistakes, but I will soon learn to master the Force, better than anyone else!"
"To unfold that potential to it's fullest is my very objective as your teacher.! But it remains your responsibility to learn. You think you know everything better, without ever questioning yourself – that's what's holding you back."
" 'Control yourself, Anakin '. That's all I ever hear. Nobody ever cares about me, or about how I feel!" Frustration and vexation rose within Anakin and took the steering wheel once again.
"I care." Kenshin replied.
"No you don't. You don't even know me. You were forced to be my Master. You're the most pathetic, terrible excuse for a teacher I've ever seen. You're a pain in a bantha's ass! "
The very second the words came out of his mouth, Anakin froze in shock. Both of his hands clasped over his mouth. How could he say such a thing! Fearfully, he looked at Kenshin and met his glance. The Master's expression was as unreadable as ever.
Anakin hadn't said anything that was new to Kenshin. The Nantoan knew he was not exactly born to teach. But he tried, he tried to be a good mentor. Even convinced of his own ineptitude, he tried. So the Padawan's words hit hard.
"I don't know you very well, that's correct. Becoming your Master wasn't my idea either, that's true. That I don't know how to teach – you never missed a chance to remind me" he said, bitterness and frustration in his voice. "All of that doesn't mean I don't care. What am I supposed to do? You've obviously decided to not even give me a chance!" He turned on his heels and walked out.
Anakin wanted to tell Kenshin that he was more than willing to 'give him a chance'...if only his Master would open up a little more, be a little less withdrawn, trust him a little more. But it was hard to say these words out loud, especially to such a stubborn, bantha-headed person as Kenshin was. It was probably best to give him some time to cool off and then go talk to him. There were a few things he'd reproach him with, but not that he wouldn't care. Actually, not even that he was a bad Master, to be honest. Anakin had just been so furious, everything was ….so much, so overwhelming, he had lost it in the heat of the moment. The next day though he didn't get the chance to talk.
He was gone. Kenshin was just gone. Anakin searched the entire temple, only to find no trace of his Master and to discover that both the Kiko, Kenshin's ship, and R5, his astromech, had disappeared.. No hints, no note, no message, nothing. He asked Ranakos and Tesha, them being some of the few people he kind of trusted, but they had no clue either. Eventually he even considered asking Yoda for the whereabouts of his jerk of a Master, but decided that dealing with the green gnome was too unpleasant. Anakin knew Yoda didn't like him.
A short while later, Quinlan Vos showed up and stated that Kenshin had asked him to take care of him while he was gone. Vos was equally taken aback to hear that Kenshin hadn't given Anakin any notice. Nevertheless he made sure to keep Anakin busy with tasks, training or taking him on short missions in the days that followed. The Kiffar was fun to be around, but wouldn't say where Kenshin had gone and what he was up to. He claimed not to know, but Anakin wasn't sure if he was being told the truth. He wasn't sure of anything much any more.
Three weeks later, coming back from another not quite permitted night-time stroll to Coruscant's lower levels, he saw the Kiko back in its usual spot. Heat was still wafting off the engines, it must have landed recently. Moments later, he stood in front of the door to his Master's quarters and knocked. Not receiving an answer, he decided to just walk in. Kenshin was sitting on his sleeping mat, trying to apply bacta to a wound on his shoulder. He quickly slipped on a tunic when the door opened, but Anakin had already seen his upper body was covered with cuts, bruises and dried blood.
„I did not invite you in!" He said sternly.
„I was worried if you're alright" the Padawan gave back.
„I'm fine!"
He clearly wasn't. To say he looked like death warmed over was putting it mildly. The usually handsome face was now of an unhealthy, pale colour, the cheeks were sunken in and and he had dark smudges under bloodshot eyes. Kenshin looked haggard, as if he had neither eaten nor slept since the day he had disappeared. It was not a pretty sight.
„You look like dried bantha poodoo. What happened?"
„Why are you here?"
„Are you serious? You know damn well why I'm here. Not only that you barely talk to me anymore and basically ignored me for weeks on end, you've left me behind and couldn't even bother to tell me you'd be gone! You've arranged for Quinlan to be my babysitter, great! I mean he's cool and all, but it didn't occur to you to give me a heads-up, to tell me ANYTHING? What the kriffin hells, Kenshin!"
Kenshin avoided his glance, and at last murmured a tired "I'm sorry."
„Sorry? That's all you have to say to that? You're a blasted idiot, Master! And why are you not in the healer's wing? From what I see, a krayt dragon has chewed on you!"
Kenshin looked at him, there was a deep sadness in his eyes.
"Can't...I can't have anyone ask questions. I've been to a place I cannot speak of. If the Council learns where I've been..."
"And I, of course, would be the last person in the galaxy you would tell or trust with that information." Anakin said with bitterness in his voice.
"Dromund Kaas" Kenshin said quietly.
"What?"
"I've been to Dromund Kaas."
"Never heard of it. And why is that such a big deal, exactly?"
"Another time. Don't tell anyone, please!" Kenshin pleaded.
"Fine. Let me at least help you with those bacta patches" Anakin said and grabbed the medpack. Kenshin tensed and tried to protest when Anakin pulled off the torn, filthy tunic and began to tend to the numerous cuts, some of which had begun to fester. Anakin slightly shuddered, there were more cuts and wounds than intact skin and he carefully started to tend to them. Healing skills weren't the Padawan's strongest suit, but he knew how to apply bacta patches. Apart from the recent wounds, there was an awful lot of scars. Small, short cuts for the most part, some larger ones that seemed to stem from lightsaber wounds or blaster shots. One was resembling a web, a network of thin, jagged lines of a dark colour, covering a large area around Kenshin's left shoulder and back.
Soon, exhaustion got the better of Kenshin, he uttered a tired "thank you" and fell asleep while Anakin continued with covering wounds with more patches. Force knew what had happened, why Kenshin had not given notice of where he had gone and why, or why he didn't just go to the medbay. He was in a worrisome condition.
Eventually, he had finished nursing the other Jedi's injuries and left him to sleep. Later, he brought water and food, setting it down next to Kenshin's sleeping mat, and checked in on him every few hours. Every time he was alarmed by how still his form was, and only when he came very close he could see that his Master was still breathing. He remained in that state for two days, and didn't move nor touch the food and drink Anakin kept bringing. Worried, he finally alerted Quinlan who explained Kenshin had set himself into a healing trance, and might not wake from it for several days.
Three more days had passed. He was still asleep, his body under the blanket motionless every time Anakin came to check on him. He sat down next to the bed and began to wonder if he should get actual medical help, to hell with the Council or whatever trouble it would get them into.
"Master, how are you still sleeping? At that rate, Windu's gonna grow hair again and Yoda's gonna learn how to use proper grammar before you wake up." He continued to chatter away about his classes and training and whatever else came to his mind."Please stop dying and wake up!" Anakin finished his monologue.
"How can one person talk so much. And why does this person have to be my Padawan." His voice was coarse, but he answered. His eyes opened and groggily looked at Anakin, as if processing the image to identify who was sitting there. He moved with visible pain as he righted himself up and propped his back against the wall, but at least his face had turned back to a more normal shade.
For a moment, Anakin forgot that he was angry with the other Jedi, and concern filled his mind.
Kenshin weakly accepted the cup of water but declined the food.
"You should eat, Master"
"Not hungry" he replied and zoned out, staring into the distance.
"When's the last time you ate something?"
No response.
Kenshin barely noticed Anakin was asking him a question. He summoned a rugged bag, sitting abandoned in a corner of his room, into his hand and pulled out a dusty object, presenting it to his Padawan who immediately understood what it was. It had one rounded edge and jagged ones. A second fragment! Kenshin fought to resist the waves of terror washing over him. He felt so sick he was ready to puke.
Back when they had first analysed their findings from Vanquor and Quinlan had reported about a red, lightning-filled sky, Kenshin had immediately realized what planet it was, and the information they had gathered on Nanta only confirmed what he had suspected. The key bearer had been captured and brought to Dromund Kaas, where she was robbed of her charge but then freed herself and fled. His instincts had urged Kenshin to bring the peculiar triangular artifact with him, the one they had found on Vanquor, and it had indeed acted a guide, leading him to the location where the part had been hidden. The ancient Sith world was a forbidden place for Jedi, there were no official records as to where it was. Not that limitations of that sort had ever stopped him. His clues and, for the greater part, instincts led Kenshin to an abandoned Sith temple after two weeks of searching. Nobody lived there, but it seemed to have been used as a more frequented training facility in earlier times. The temple was abandoned, but that didn't mean it was empty and without threats. Sithspawn creatures, feeding of malicious energies still present in this terrifying place, were the least of the dangers the Jedi faced.
And then there had been the pack of marauders. Most beings felt too scared to approach the ancient Sith sites, but some, more ruthless raiders smelled profit to be made from precious artefacts. The black markets paid vertiginous prices. On a normal day, they wouldn't have represented much of a threat to a fully trained Jedi Master, but Kenshin had reached the limits of his resources. He had already been drained of energy, sustaining one-self through the Force only could go so far. Along with the number of opponents and the dark side energy of the place taking its toll on him, it took all he had to escape alive.
He barely made his way back to the Kiko, hidden in a crevice and stealth shields activated.
Once on board he gave R5 the order to pilot the ship back to the temple. During the gruesome time on this abomination of a world, Kenshin had drawn on the Force to suppress the increasing aches he had suffered from for weeks and the hurt from the damage he had taken in the fight. He had functioned like a droid, driven by the urge and sole purpose to complete his mission.
He had been in pain for weeks, getting worse each day, since that harsh crash, when he had taken the blow of the sprung trap to protect Anakin. He was grateful for it, in a distorted, vicious way. The physical pain distracted him from the unbearable, horrifying memories that kept flashing in his head since that damned box had been brought to him. Why had the Jedi kept his old lightsaber, and Aerin Fay's necklace, and why had it emerged now? What was the Force trying to tell him? No matter what he tried to cleanse his spirit, it only became worse.
Nightmarish, painfully vivid images agonized him. It had begun in the very moment he had opened that damn box and had grown more severe by the day. Even as the thrust of its engines carried his ship away, off that terrible planet, they didn't leave him. They brought forth sensations feeling so real Kenshin thought he could touch what he saw even though none of it made actual sense to him. He had never had visions his entire life! The one torment the Force had spared him, until now. Kenshin didn't dare to think what would have happened, had he taken Anakin with him. Kenshin was well-versed in the rituals and ways of the Sith and their effects, more than a Jedi should be, and it allowed him to resist. Or so he had thought. He was beginning to realize that his shell had cracked.
He spent the dreadfully long journey through hyperspace back to Coruscant in a waking nightmare. Even if he had wanted to, he wouldn't have been able to explain all of this to Anakin. Were these just powerful nightmares or visions of future events to come to pass? Here he was, back in his room on Coruscant that he hated, trying to snap out of the hold this cruel, quaint illness had on him, mixing up everything into a blur so he couldn't tell the screams of his mind from the physical anguish, he couldn't tell what was hallucination and what reality.
When Kenshin finally left his bed again, he still wouldn't eat and seemed constantly lost in a place no one could or would follow. Usually, Kenshin would demolish even more food than Anakin on a daily basis. Something was definitely wrong, the Padawan concluded. When spoken to, he flinched or didn't react at all. His formerly stocky, muscular frame began to look bony and the haunted look in his eyes never left him. Anakin felt compelled to help, it hurt him to see his Master suffer, but Kenshin had built a shell around himself. He spent his days loosely following classes, sparring with the few friends he had, tinkering with droids or night time excursions to Coruscant's underworld. With his Master turning into a kind of ghost, there was only Quinlan who had a not exactly attentive eye on him and he intended to make the most of it. It was still Quinlan he trained with, the Kiffar replacing Kenshin in his role as Master for the time being.
Kenshin was no stranger to physical pain, absolutely not. Nor was he a stranger to the dark tendrils of hurt clutching at his mind in a never-ending cruel embrace. Maybe this was the reason why the darkness in the Force had never been able to get a hold on him because the darkness that he had lived and still lived was so much worse.
There would never be love and joy in his life again. The love and joy in his heart had died on Zeffo along with his Master.
"Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those who transform into the Force. Mourn them do not. Miss them do not" Yoda had said. "Since there is no emotion, there is peace" Yoda had said. A single tear rolled down his cheek as he stood in the same spot he had stood in, ten years prior, when ... Kenshin stopped and refused to follow this memory any further. With years of training, one could maybe grasp the meaning of Yodas cryptic advice and possibly find solace in it. But he had been 13! He had been but a child, devastated by a horrible loss. Those words had been all that Yoda had offered in terms of help. Giving words like this to a kid that had just lost his Master...that was not only absurd. That was cruel. In the nick of time, Kenshin had learned to navigate around the Jedi Code. But he would never respect it.
There was only this purpose, the duty to find and end the source of this suffering once and for all, to keep his soul alive. He wasn't allowed to give in, he wasn't allowed to let the Sith prevail. Revenge is not the Jedi way. Yet all that kept him going, the reality of it was maybe exactly that: revenge. All these years he had been fueled by that cruel, burning flame, pushing him to endure life under the tenets of the Jedi, to aquire the powers and skills he needed to pursue his quest, to fight and win a war. It was a gruesome source of energy that had turned a kind, 13 year old child into a demonic, fearsome warrior. And now it was about to run out. It had been too much for too long.
Master Fay's death. Then, a few years later, a young woman, a Jedi knight only two years his elder. He had held her as she died and in that moment he had sworn to himself to never love again. Then, a rebellion he had lead to victory, winning the freedom of his planet, but at what cost. What was the price of war, of terrorism? Battles leave scars, some of them you can't see. Then Gentora and his best friend who had already been dead when he had found him. And now there was Anakin. He had no concept of what had gone on in Yoda's mind to entrust him, him of all people, with a Padawan. All Kenshin saw, reflecting on everything he had done, was failure. Was it really the noble purpose of wiping out evil that pushed him? Or simply the brute instinct and hunger for revenge, a burning fire of hate, and he just couldn't see? What made him better than the Sith who had killed his Master? Was he really so immune to corruption by the dark side or had he already fallen? Kenshin felt so very cold and it was not the temperature of the actually lush air that sent chills down his spine. His hand unconsciously wandered to his lightsaber, took it off his belt and he stood there. A faint wind, that others might have called a gentle breeze, played with his cloak, his silhouette dark against the already dark sky of Coruscant's night.
"It wasn't a good idea back then, and still isn't now!"
The voice startled him. He, who was always on the alert without fail, had let his guard down and hadn't sensed the other Jedi approach. It was dark but he could still see the yellow marking on the other man's face, surrounded by wild dreadlocks.
"No idea what you're talking about" Kenshin replied.
"You're not even fooling yourself, man. I'm your friend, and I'm not blind"
"You're my friend, that's true. How much longer until I'll have failed you, too? Makiri shouldn't have saved me back then."
"People do die! You cannot die with them, Kenshin! You're not honouring your Master or anyone else you lost by hating yourself. Whatever happened on Dromund Kaas and Nanta, you're ill, badly so, and not seeking help is the same as taking that lightsaber and striking yourself down with it. You're coming to the healer's ward with me, now!"
"Leave me the fuck alone, Quin."
Quin didn't like doing what he then did, but he knew that it was pointless trying to talk sense into Kenshin. He silently apologized as he knocked his friend out and carefully carried him to the temple's medbay. The Council would surely ask questions, it would show up in his medical records. Right now, this didn't matter. Quinlan was confident he'd be able to come up with a plausible explanation. It wasn't like they'd never fooled the Council before.
"Master Vos, it's not that I don't appreciate you, but how much longer am I going to be training with you? Kenshin wouldn't tell me anything. He never does!"
"Call me Quin. Can't stand that kriffin formal shit." He said light-heartedly but then his voice grew serious.
"Before he went onto his mission, he approached me and asked me to take care of you, in case something happened to him. In fact he was sure this would be the case and said to consider him dead if he wouldn't make it back within a standard month. He was certain he would die and didn't want to risk your life too. That's why he went alone, without you."
"He told me where he was and not to tell anyone. Why is that place such a big deal?"
"Come" Quinlan said and dragged Anakin into a more secluded corner with fewer curious eyes of ears to witness what they would talk about.
"That place...it's off-limits for Jedi, it's strictly prohibited to go there. It's an ancient Sith world. It harbours more dangers per square meter than the hells of Corellia, countless Sith temples, death traps and forbidden knowledge...forbidden because it teaches about the dark side, and forbidden because it's the kind of knowledge most beings couldn't handle. Destruction. Danger. Ancient knowledge that was long lost, even amongst the Sith."
"But the Sith..."
"…..have never been extinct. That Zabrak that Kenobi killed on Naboo? They said he was the first Sith to appear in a thousand years, but they only did that to cover up what really happened. You'll find none of it in any records. The Sith were never gone, the Jedi just refused to see it. A select few people, like Kenshin, tried and try to make them see the truth and they only begin to understand. And some don't like being woken up. Although I have to admit that your Master's unique lack of diplomatic sense, for that matter, doesn't help.
Two years before the battle of Naboo, it was a Sith Lord - not mercenaries as they said afterwards – that lead an assault on a Jedi rescue mission on Zeffo, and it was …..fuck, I should not even speak about this!" he interrupted himself.
"And it was what? Let me guess, you're not gonna tell me. You don't trust me either, Kenshin does not trust me, why am I even here!"
"There is only so much I can tell you, Anakin! Listen...if something bad happened to you, would you want everyone to know? Would you want your friends, or foes for that matter, to talk about it?
Kenshin does trust you, in his own way. But he has...issues. What happened when he was 13 hurt him on a level he never recovered from. The Jedi Council didn't do shit to help him. He never learned how to deal with it. I tried to help, but in that matter, I couldn't reach through to him. As for now...He is ill, I mean, look at him. You told me about the exploding trap at the Nanta temple...from what the healers said to me, he has suffered severe internal damage that still hasn't healed. It must have caused him excruciating pain over the last weeks, but for some reason that isn't known to me, he chose to ignore it instead of seeking treatment and it got worse. This suicide mission to Dromund Kaas didn't help either. He'll be out of the game for another while and until he's fit for duty again, we decided to have you train with me. Someone's gotta take care of you."
"See, the healers talked to you, not me. Kenshin would not tell me, you do, and only now that I asked. See a pattern?"
"I'm sorry kid! I can understand you feel left out"
"You can say that aloud. Also, I still don't understand what the deal with the box and his old lightsaber was. Does it have something to do with the death of his Master?"
"Yes, but..."
"Yeah, I get it, you won't tell me. It's fine"
Anakin was over it. He was never part of the team. Quinlan was nice, and lenient, but didn't take him seriously, trusting him as little as everyone else. And whatever dark realms his so-called Master was wandering in, Kenshin obviously didn't intend to seek or accept help, least of all from Anakin.
Without much hope, Anakin opened the comm channel to the one person he knew he would get fatherly, sensible and honest advice from. Much to his surprise, the often busy statesman answered, visibly thrilled about receiving a call from his protégé. Standing next to Palpatine in his luxurious office soon after, Anakin told him everything. Not about Dromund Kaas, he still respected his Master enough to keep his promise of secrecy about that matter, but all the frustration, jealousy and rejection. It felt so good to have someone who would truly listen and not berate or judge him for once. Sure, Kyle and Tesha usually would listen, but what did they know! They were only Padawans, just like him. Or, rather, nothing like him. He liked his friends, but he was so much more powerful and skilled, they couldn't possibly relate to him. Palpatine could. Palpatine had known him since he had bee slave boy, freshly arrived on Coruscant, and had always believed in him. Palpatine respected him for his potential and acknowledged his skill. It was with Palpatine that he felt special. After all, not everyone could say they were friends with the Chancellor of the Galactic republic.
"What is the path to greatness, your excellency?" Anakin asked
"That, my son, is a deep, complex question to ask!"
"You have achieved it, you're the Chancellor of the Galactic Republic!"
"I would say, young Anakin, the path to greatness, and everything you need, lies within yourself. You have to trust yourself, to believe in yourself and walk your path with confidence."
"That's what my Master said. Yet, every time I believe to have gained his trust, maybe even his respect, I get rejected and left behind again. It feels like no-one believes in me. I am alone."
"I believe in you, Anakin. I always have. You are destined for great things, my son!"
"Then why do the Jedi not trust me? I work so hard and progress so much and they still treat me like a naïve child that I have grown beyond a long time ago! Why are they still holding me back?"
"Maybe they fear you? Maybe your Master is jealous. You are said to be the Chosen One, you have such great potential. Even I, who knows and understands little of the Force, can see it. It is difficult to see such power as yours and not want to wield it, not to envy it!"
"What you say sounds logical, yet...I have a hard time imagining Master Kenshin, or Master Windu or Yoda giving in to such a lowly impulse."
"Again, I know little of the Force, but I have seen a great deal of how sentient beings in general interact, and think and feel. It's the daily business of a politician. And even the Jedi, my son, even the Jedi, are not droids, but just sentients, as we all are, with all our flaws and weaknesses."
Leaving one of his classes, Anakin felt a faint presence behind him and turned, to his surprise, to see his Master.
"Walk with me?" he asked.
"Sure, Master. How are you feeling?"
Kenshin gave a pained smile. "Choose a different question"
"True...just looking at you tells me enough. I've seen corpses look better than you do."
"How nice, thank you"
"Sorry, Master" Anakin said sheepishly.
"No. I'm sorry. I didn't …..I should have talked to you. I should have explained to you why I did what I did"
"Yeah, would have been nice if you had told me what you planned, before giving up on me." Anakin snapped.
Kenshin sighed. He couldn't blame the teenager for being mad, not this time. "I didn't give up on you!" he said to his defense.
"You absolutely did! You wouldn't talk to me for weeks and shoved me away to Quinlan!"
"I wasn't exactly up to the task lately. You said it yourself! So I made sure your training would be taken care of, and you blame me for it?"
"You have a point" Anakin had to admit. "Would have been nice though to be kept in the loop and not be tossed around like an under-age youngling. Also, it never occurred to you that I could have helped you? I'm not a child anymore, I'm 17, soon 18. I'm an adult!"
"I'm sorry." Kenshin said with a quiet voice.
"How much longer until you're back?"
"The healers said, two or three more weeks until I'm fit for action. I wanted to talk to you, about that. You seem to work well with Quin. And he likes you. It might be a good idea to keep working with him."
"I knew it!" Anakin spat angrily. "I knew it! You wanna get rid of me, you dump me like an old rag you have no more use for! You know, at one point I thought you liked me. But you don't care, you never did. I was just a burden to you!"
"Anakin, no! Listen to me, this once! I'm a terrible teacher, to say it with your own words. Did you ever consider that I want the best for you? I've come to realize that this best is not me. I'm not the Master you need."
"What a pile of bantha poodoo. Kriffin excuses! You're as bad and selfish and hypocritical as all the others!"
"If that's what you think. I just wanted to help. I really wanted to help"
****Coruscant, somewhere in the political district
Not far from the Jedi temple, in a spacious luxurious room with wide windows giving ample view of the Coruscant sky, the elderly man chuckled. It was a surpreme delight to see the seeds he had planted were growing. Slowly so, but growing. The Jedi were oh so predictable. The new Master they had ordered to take care of Anakin had concerned him at first – a man with rebellious, defiant views he feared would build Anakin up in ways Sidious did definitely not intend. But it looked like Kano was just as socially incompetent of an idiot as he was proficient in battle, surpassing his Jedi brethren in both. The Jedi Master and Anakin did nothing but clash – pushing the Padawan further to where Sidious wanted him. And now, with what Anakin had told him about their findings on his Master's homeworld, this little stain on his grand plan had served his unexpected but welcome purpose and could soon be removed. The Force really was his ally. The Jedi Order would fall, and a new Sith empire would rise. He opened a secured comm channel and a holo image of a hooded figure bowed to him.
"What is thy bidding, my Master?"