Hello there!

I'm very sorry for taking so long to update – I started a PhD program and it's kicking my butt. I'll do my best to keep the new chapters coming quicker from now on. This chapter is a bit shorter than usual, but the next one is already on the way!

Thanks to everyone who left a review, this really makes my day (or week or month) every time!

For the records, the following chapters contain direct quotes from the Star Wars: The Clone Wars novel series (legends)

Yodathethinker: yep, totally did. Quin's trying to help his overwound friend to find some calm

Djberneman: Thank you so much! Focusing on the emotional burden placed on Anakin is one of my main points and I'm so happy about your comment.

guest: Thank you so much for your extensive reviews! They are always I can't answer all of them without spoiling my own story; but here's some thoughts. You'll notice I've changed the original Canon timelines a bit to better support my alternate story line. Ahsoka now finally made it into the picture, and she and Kenshin will meet in the next chapter. We will see Asaij Ventress (and Quinlan) later again when Kenshin will seek her help to complete a mission. The paths he will take might be darker and darker and if he'll choose to return to the Jedi Order, he might have bigger problems to worry about than another Padawan. Nari will play an important role at the end and will acquire her own lightsaber somewhat soon, but who will train her? It is correct that the Jedi Order begins to be short on forces and pushes initiates and padawans prematurely into their next stages. Kenshin Kano is a controversial figure in the Jedi Order and that is putting it mildly. You are right about Cin Drallig who respects Kano's skill with a lightsaber, but thinks of him as an heretic and a disgrace to the Jedi Order. Quite a few Jedi, especially Council members, share this very critical view of Kenshin. The lines of what is good and bad and whom you can trust become more and more blurry and both Anakin and Kenshin will find themselves struggling. Even the sharpest sword won't be of help when you don't know where to strike or if your enemy is invisible.

CH 21/Broken heart of gold

- what you lose you will find again, but what you throw away you never get back -

***** Ryloth orbit, one and a half years after the battle of Geonosis

Birds chirped and the sunlight glistening on the water made the lake appear like a silver -golden mirror. Both his flesh hand and his cybernetic one touched her flawless, warm skin, his entire world reflected in her eyes. There was her. There was him. There was softness and love, in this moment nothing but love like galaxies uniting in a mesmerizing, star-glittering embrace. The Naboo holy man spoke the words and they kissed. Husband and wife. He could feel the warmth in his heart as much as he could feel the golden sunrays on his skin. Happy. For the first time in his life, he felt truly and genuinely happy.

A distinct beeping noise interrupted the soft birdsong, his eyes jerked open, back to the violence of the moment.

"Kriff! Blast it" he scolded himself. He shoved his mind back into reality. Focus! He was a Jedi knight! A space battle about to begin was the least appropriate moment and the bridge of a battle cruiser the least appropriate place to let his mind wander off. His Padawan Ahsoka had just launched with her squadron of starfighters. This was her first command. What in all seven Corellian hells was wrong with him? Daydreaming while action was imminent was so completely unlike him. R2 let out a series of dismissive, admonishing beeps.

"Yeah buddy, I know, I'm sorry!"

The black background of space lit up by clouds of explosions and red plasma streaks, but Ahsoka's blue squadron managed the enemy fighters pretty well at first, making a run for the main ship. But then… four more separatist battle cruisers appeared and joined the blockade, turning the image that presented itself to them into a nightmarish vision.

Anakin and Admiral Yularen both drew a sharp breath. Ahsoka and her squadron were capable, but not this capable.

Separatist fighters flooded the viewscreens. Not only would a run for the main buttle cruisers be suicide, but they also now needed their clone fighters for their own protection. Ahsoka and her squadron were ordered back. The Padawan had too much confidence and her own ideas. Only after the third bellowed command of her Master, she returned to the already damaged Republic cruisers. It was a matter of not even minutes. Already in retreat, vulture droids and fighters kept chasing them. By the moment they entered the safe hangars of their cruiser, the greater part of her pilots was gone. Evaporated.

In the aftermath of battle, it was the first time Anakin and his still new apprentice had a heated argument. And then apologized to each other. It had been a trap, and even had Ahsoka obeyed, there wouldn't have been much of a chance to make it out of the ordeal with all of her squadron alive. There was no way to prepare and learn how to deal with losing people, be it close ones or soldiers one had responsibility for. Anakin knew that all too well.

The Ryloth blockade was, in the end, overcome by a plan that was much more complete craziness than an actual plan. He remembered his former Master, Kenshin, once saying that to kill a dragon, one had to cut off its head and that was precisely what his plan consisted of. He knew he had few resources and the only way was to take out the enemy command. He accomplished it by evacuating one of the already damaged cruisers and crashing it right into the separatist battle station, jettisoning at the last moment in an escape pod, leaving the remaining forces under Ahsoka's command to back him up.

Anakin's plans and Ahsoka's equally bold and ingenious strategies won the battle. Ryloth's people were saved. But the grief and devastating sense of loss stayed with Ahsoka Tano.

Days later, back on Coruscant, Anakin still saw no change in his young charge's mood. She had lost almost her entire squadron. Because she had made a wrong decision. Her mentor sensed the guilt emanating from her in intense, cruel waves. She blamed herself, and solely herself, for every single death. He was all too familiar with that feeling. If only he knew a way to alleviate her grief. Every single day, he remembered what it had felt like to lose his mother and losing her because he had been too late to save her. This demon never ceased eating at him. He didn't want Ahsoka to suffer that way. At last, he had an idea. There might not be a way to erase her pain, but he could show her that he understood. When his first Master, Atal, had died, Yoda had sent him to New Holstice. The planet contained a monument to all Jedi killed since the formation of the Republic. It consisted of thousands and thousands of brightly glowing insects. The young Jedi had stood in awe when he first saw the monument, and while his grief had not become easier, at least the ritual to honour Master Atal had brought some sense of closure.

There was no time for him to take his shaken apprentice to New Holstice, but he managed to acquire some of the mesmerizing moths, and figured they might glow just as beautifully in the temple's gardens just as they would have on their home planet.

Ahsoka followed him wordlessly to a tree. It had been his Master's favourite tree, a specimen of a fire glow tree species native to Kenshin's homeworld. The finely fingered leaves currently shone in a bright, warm red. He pulled out a jar in which the glowing bugs danced.

"What are these?" the young Togruta asked, sparking curiosity wiping some of her tears.

"Memory moths. We will never forget the ones we lost, and these moths are a special way of honouring their memory. Little flying, living memorials, if you want. They're said to be immortal and whisper the name you tell them for all eternity. For each moth you release, you say the name of the one you want to honour and remember."

He handed Ahsoka the glass and said. "Actually they're only for Jedi. But the Clones we lost.."

"The men I lost! It's all my fault!" Her head hung low, and her shoulders were again shaking as she wept.

"Ahsoka." Anakin said gently. "Yes, you need to be more mindful of your decisions. And you do need to listen to orders! But you had good intentions, you only wanted to do your best. And eventually, you will lose troopers, it's inevitable. Troopers that have become your friends and brothers. That, Ahsoka, is the reality of command. I don't mean to lessen the importance of the people we lose. I simply mean to teach you that losing people in this war is something we must face. We must honour them but we mustn't let it tear us down."

With wide, sad eyes, she accepted the jar from him.

"Tucker" she said, and the first moth flew out of the jar.

"Axe."

"Slammer."

"Swoop."

Name by name was said and one by one, the glowing moths danced away. Ahsoka had said the names of all lost Clones of her squadron, but one moth was left.

Anakin gently shook the glass and the moth raised out of it, hovering in front of his face.

"Kenshin" he said, and a lone tear dropped off his face. The moth didn't fly away like the others had, and instead came down to land on his hand.

He was first astonished, then irritated by the insect's unexpected behaviour. He wanted to honour and remember Kenshin. He needed this, and whatever solace he could find. And this tiny little thing had the nerve to mess with him? He shook his hand; the little beast would not move.

"Go away!" he finally snapped and tried to shake the moth off his hand. The stubborn bug hovered above his hand, and still stayed. Not even your memory moth can behave like it's supposed to. Stubborn bantha head! Why couldn't I save you?

"Kenshin was your Master, right?" Ahsoka said softly.

He was pressed to snap a curt response to her to shut up, but the words got stuck in his throat.

"Yes" he finally said, his voice breaking.

Ahsoka took his hand and held it.

"What was he like?" she asked. " Tell me about him"

The young Jedi stared at the glowing point hovering in front of him, drops of salty liquid welling.

"He was kind. Compassionate. Brave and brutally honest. Strong. The strongest person I've ever known. He was a true Jedi. He always fought for what was right, no matter how hard it was, no matter the consequences. No matter what the Council said. He believed in me when no one else did. We didn't get along at first, but from the beginning, he accepted me for who I was. Nobody else ever did. " He hung his head. More tears dropped. He was beyond the point of caring if a 15-year-old could handle her Master having a mental breakdown right in front of her.

"He was a great mentor. Never afraid to admit to his own errors. We're Jedi, but we're also living beings, feeling emotions, and sometimes we make mistakes" Anakin's gaze followed the moth that finally hovered away and landed on a leaf on the fire glow tree. Its light seemed to shine far too bright. "Sometimes I don't know what to do now that he's gone. Yoda says not to mourn or miss the ones who have become one with the Force. But I can't…. I miss him, and I always will."

His reasoning did little to ease what he felt. Losing Kenshin had sparked malicious flames eating away at his heart and he couldn't do anything to tame them. It was a lot to handle, piled onto an already overburdened plate.

He had been promoted to Jedi knight a mere month after the disastrous rescue mission. His knighting ceremony, the day he had dreamed of and prepared for literally half of his life, was a day he had imagined to be bright and glorious. A stepstone into freedom, becoming a Jedi Knight in his own right, becoming what he had always wanted to become. What his mother had wanted for him. Instead, it had been a gloomy and dark hour. It should have been Kenshin's blade to sever his Padawan braid. Instead, in a hasty impromptu field ceremony with several other senior Padawans, Yoda had made a quick deed out of it.

As if his heart had not been broken enough, as if the Force herself had wanted to deepen the cut in his soul, the day after he had found the questioning eyes of Nari staring at him. The youngling that had taken a strong liking to his grumpy Master. Her inquiring about Kenshin and him having to explain to her that her friend would never come back had been the worst.

Palpatine's face had showed quiet compassion when his protegee gave into his gentle prying and opened up to tell him about the disastrous rescue mission. The Chancellor's hand felt strong and supporting on Anakin's shoulder when they shared a moment alone in the vast office. Sidious, behind the fatherly mentor's façade, was content. Every once in a while, there came a Jedi doubting this façade and sticking his nose in things that were none of their business. Kano had been one of these Jedi, like Ronhar Kim. Unlike Ronhar Kim, Kano had had no regard or respect for hierarchy, rules, or conventions and might have become more of a nuisance. Thankfully, a pawn of too lowly a rank to become really dangerous and now this problem, although not one Sidious had deemed of too great an importance, was dealt with. Amidala's kidnapping had been of Gunray's doing, the Neimoidian barve still held a grudge against the Senator and former Queen. He, Sidious, however, had uses for her. Although Anakin had never said a thing, it was clear that he had feelings for the young woman. And that could be a valuable asset to be exploited. How good of Kano to have sacrificed himself for his Padawan and also saving the means to control said Padawan in the form of the admittedly attractive senator. He made sure that the smile that now appeared on his face looked sad and appeared to be an encouraging gesture to the Chosen One, who had so little idea of what he was chosen for.

Another two months later, in the midst of battle, a tiny young Togruta had been literally dumped in front of the new Jedi Knight. He had not ever wanted a Padawan. They were a liability.

Have I been a liability to Kenshin? He sometimes wondered, even though he knew that the answer was no.

Rejection. The Jedi with their strict, rigid ways were quick to judge and reject even one of their own, Anakin knew that well. The hot, salty sensation of being the odd one out and being condemned for it. The hope, the passion, the sense of being lost, the inner self-doubts she tried to cover up with her cockiness, this entire bundle of emotions in the form of the tiny Togruta didn't deserve that rejection, so he had decided to give her a chance. Very soon, he knew to be glad about it.

She didn't hold him back, in the opposite. Ahsoka was sassy and disobedient, but capable and loyal. He hated bringing a young teenager, a child, onto battlefields, but what choice did he have? There was no other way he could have trained her without neglecting his duties as a general. The galaxy was at war and he, they all, had to do their duty.

Duty. Was duty all there was? No matter how much he did, how good he became, how hard he fought, how gruelling fulfilling this duty became, would he ever be enough? When would the Jedi begin to respect him, or trust him? Didn't they see that all he wanted was to help?

Even Obi-Wan didn't trust him. Especially Obi-Wan.

One would have thought that after fighting side by side in numerous battles, that becoming a general under the watchful eyes of Kenobi would have forged some sort of bond. Obi-Wan had become the closest thing to a mentor he had, after Kenshin had been gone. And still, Obi-Wan Kenobi, whom he had regarded as a friend, didn't see anything in him.

He had roared Obi-Wan's name into the Coruscant night, holding his presumedly dead body and then went on to chase Obi-Wan's murderer, a bounty hunter named Rako Hardeen.

Unbeknownst to Hardeen and himself, the bounty hunter had in fact been hired by the Jedi Order, who had only faked Kenobi's death. In the disguise of his own assassin, Kenobi had infiltrated a Separatist plot to kidnap Supreme Chancellor Palpalpatine at the Festival of Light on Naboo. It was only at the festival itself and a too close for comfort bantha chase to keep Palpatine safe that the elaborate plot was revealed to Anakin. It hadn't surprised him that the Jedi didn't trust him, but Obi-Wan? His friend? Obi-Wan had not trusted him neither to act convincingly and had deliberately let him in the dark. Like he wasn't a battle-tested and established Jedi General in command of the 501st with a Padawan of his own. Like he was a stupid fool without the ability of reason or judgement.

"How many other lies have I been told by the Council? And how do you know that you even have the whole truth?" Anakin had yelled.

The older man's only answer had been the sense of guilty affliction filling his stormy eyes.

He had refused to speak to Obi-wan for weeks after that. A terrible event forced them back together. The group of Jedi stood around the holo console like frozen statues.

"This is the work of a reckless, impulsive animal" Obi-Wan said as the footage was replayed and in a cruel, heart-wrenching loop, they again watched Master Halsey and his Padawan get slaughtered at the temple of Enid on Devaron. With Count Dooku's former assassin, Asaij Ventress, presumed dead after the battle of Sullust, the Jedi were presented with yet another bundle of questions and no answers to them. More surveillance footage from Devaron revealed a large Zabrak warrior to be the author of these atrocities. And he was an assassin of Dooku indeed.

Anakin and Kenobi pursued the trace, to Toydaria and then a separatist dreadnaught, where their target escaped them.

The mystery sank back into nebulae and silence, until a disturbing message from Raydonia, destined for Obi-Wan, reached the Jedi Council.

Pillaging, slaughtering, and raids were reported from several outer rim worlds. None of any political or tactical importance. Just innocent people arbitrarily chosen as targets.

Darth Maul.

The shock deeply rattled Obi-Wan, and yet there he was, as if Obi-Wan had never cut him in half all those years ago, as if the cruel monstrosity had not killed Master Qui-Gon. He was alive, and threatening to set fire and suffering to more settlements for every day Obi-Wan Kenobi would not show himself to face him.

Matters were so severe that they were even brought to the Chancellor's attention. Palpatine listened with impatience, like a child would listen to a boring bedtime story and wasn't at all impressed by Master Kenobi's pleading speech.

"I understand your reservations, Master Kenobi, but I am afraid that we can no longer allow this personal matter of yours to be a Republic concern. It does not appear that this…Darth Maul.. is a direct threat to the Republic. We need to redirect your efforts to the cause at hand: dealing with Count Dooku and ending the Clone Wars. This Maul, crime lord or not, is of no relevance to the Separatist threat! Especially in light of the most recent events."

"Forgive me, Chancellor, which events are you referring to?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Chancellor Palpatine" Yoda said "Indeed not know we do, Chancellor, what trying to tell us, you are."

"It seems your graces haven't been informed yet. Well, the bad news reached me quite recently."

The Chancellor rose from his chair and continued.

"Nute Gunray and all chairmen of the Trade federation have been murdered. When you requested this meeting, I had assumed that this is your reason. The news came in along with your request for this audience. I think I do not need to expand upon the severe diplomatic consequences this has for the conflict between our Republic and the Separatist alliance. The murderer has not revealed themselves – it is, at this point, believed that a single assassin committed this atrocious act – and the Trade Federation is now making serious allegations against the Republic! I must insist that the Jedi Council sends their very best negotiators and investigators to clear the Republic of all accusations and mitigate the damage already done. We need at all cost to avoid more systems being swayed and thus losing even more territory to the CIS!"

An hour after this meeting, it was already all over the holonet, blasting from screens and loudspeakers in every city on every planet on republic territory. Nute Gunray, Viceroy of the Trade Federation, was dead. Assassinated. He, along with the full board of chairpersons, had been found dead after a board meeting on Cato Neimoidia. Of course, the security cameras had been disabled and no footage was available, no arrival or departure of any unregistered vessel had been detected, all guards had been found unconscious and security droids disabled. Strangely so, later footage didn't reveal any visible trace of impact or weaponry. Gunray and his chairpersons had been found with their necks snapped, but no external bruises. The droids showed internally smoldered circuitry, but no trace of projectile or plasma impact nor any hints of a blunt weapon being used.

The discussion that had begun in the Chancellor's office was continued in an impromptu Council session.

The threat and open challenge by Maul still stood and Obi-Wan knew that the Dathomiri monster would keep his promise and innocent people died at his hands by the hour. Maul had to be stopped! Yoda on the other hand, didn't share this opinion.

"Right you may be, Obi-Wan. But heed the words of the Chancellor, you must. A personal matter for you this is. If you do pursue him, go alone you must."

"What if there's a connection?" Ahsoka chimed in.

„You think Maul killed Gunray?" Anakin asked.

Obi-Wan shook his head.

„No, this is extremely unlikely to be true. I can't imagine any incentive for Maul to eliminate Gunray. People like Maul don't have any interest in politics. The galaxy can drown in war and burn for all he cares. "

"He's a monster, I don't think he needs or would bother to state a reason if he feels like killing someone. He's a brute!"

"My words exactly, he's a brute and whoever killed Gunray was most certainly Force sensitive but acted with pristine precision and a very different intention. This was not Maul's style, so to say. And, whoever Gunray's murderer is, he or she certainly did us, and the Republic that is, a favour. Maul hates the Jedi and the Republic and even he is clever enough to realize that."

"Are they for real?" Ahsoka whispered to Anakin as they watched Obi-Wan board a ship and depart. "That Maul monster spreads chaos and murder and pillages at every turn, threatening Obi-Wan, one of the Republic's best generals, in person, and the chancellor says it's not a Republic concern? And the Council sends Obi-Wan ALONE? And what even is the deal with those Trade Federation people?"

"There's nothing we can do to sway the Council's opinion on that, Ahsoka. They issued their orders."

"You're letting Obi-Wan really run into this mess all by himself, Master?"

"Cool off, Snips! The orders of the Council are one thing. How we go about it is another! I'll explain the Trade Federation thing on the way"

******** somewhere in the Rishi Maze, an hour after the space station explosion

An old space station blowing apart had been by far not the weirdest event the crew of the 'Vulture' had witnessed or been close to. And who knew, there could be some scrap floating about that was worth picking up to be sold. On the black market, or scrap yards, it was all the same to them as long as they made it out with some more credits in their currently awfully empty pockets. This would also help them keep up their official identity as scrap dealers and cover up the occasional smuggler run, or other somewhat even less legal activities. Not that they felt any remorse – the rich could very well do with a few less of their credits that were of much better use in the Vulture crew's hands. They liked the prospect of republic or CIS prisons a little less, however, and preferred to keep a low profile.

Debris still drifted away from the blast center. Smaller and bigger pieces. Among the thinning field of parts, an escape pod caught the attention of the crew.

"Scanners say there's a life form aboard" Ronnor, an older Nikto, said. He was the navigator of the small crew, led by a very young human woman named Sumi. The bunch included two more people. Marath, a male Zabrak, and another human girl going by the name of Tersen. Last but not least there was a shabby astromech droid that everyone called Buster.

All four pairs of eyes stared at their find. The man was short, but what he lacked in height he made up for in bulk. The short sleeves of the stained, torn black shirt revealed thick biceps, his torso was equally impressive.

Scars on his face and arms told of past battles, dishevelled messy black hair fell below his broad shoulders. He had a unique looking, handsome face and in a way he looked young. That impression was contrasted by dark circles underneath his eyes and wrinkles beginning to show around his eyes and on his forehead.

"He still alive?"

Sumi carefully stepped closer. The man was breathing, and she could feel a heartbeat.

"Yeah. Just unconscious"

She spotted a black cylinder clipped to the man's belt and grabbed it. It was scratched up and black, like the garb he wore.

"That for sure ain't no torch lamp" she said, inspecting the lightsaber hilt closely.

"You sayin what I think you sain'?" the Nikto gave her an incredulous look.

"Yes! We found ourselves a Jedi!" Her eyes, that had first shone with curiosity, now sparked with something like fury and narrowed to slits. Her hand slightly trembled and her knuckles became white from pressing the object in her hand.

The images and sounds in her head would never leave her. They were still as burning and sharp as they had been on the first day. Her parents' and her brother's screams as they burned. They had been but farmers, innocent and simply trying to make a living. Caught up in the frontlines when separatist droids, anti-Republic Jabiimi factions and Republic troops and Jedi had collided in battle. It had been a group of Jedi taking cover behind their house, although it had really been more of a humble hut than a house, to not get immediately eliminated by separatist fire. And then the house had burned, and crashed down, trapping her mum and dad and brother beneath it. RUN had been her mother's last word to her. The Jedi, busy with the battle, had fled and not helped.

She hated them all.

Left with no home nor any credits to feed herself, she had made her way to one of the spaceports. She had had no plan for her future. What future! Then she met Tersen. A refugee and even younger than herself, but she knew how to pilot. They stole a beaten-up, worn-down ship that was barely spaceworthy and fled the planet. In lack of a better idea, they began selling their services as freight haulers and took on three more vagabond souls and expanded their repertoire. Within a short time the newly formed crew had become family.

"That guy? Doesn't look like a Jedi if you ask me!"

"Oh, these self-righteous, fanatic space wizards come in all shapes and sizes. Maybe this guy here killed a Jedi and carries that thing..." she held up the lightsaber "...just for the fun of it but something tells me that this is the real deal." she spat.

"What in all moons and stars would a kriffin' Jedi be doin', floating about in an escape pod near an exploded space station?" Ronnor asked.

"How am I supposed to know? Wake him up and ask him. But make sure to put him in shackles first. You never know what these space wizards are capable of!" Sumi took away the blaster the man had carried and removed a few throw knives as well. Better to be sure. Bad enough to be dealing with one of these Force wielding maniacs, so she at least wanted to make sure he was unarmed. "then again….. it's probably better if I do the talking"

The Nikto slapped the human in the face, twice, before the man gave a grunt as reaction.

"Time's up, sleepyhead! What's your name, and what's your business here?"

The man just blinked groggily.

"My…my name?"

"Yeah, your name. Who are you?"

Their guest stared at him as if he had asked him to steal the egg off a mud horn.

"Blast it, he's either high on death sticks or took a huge hit to his head" Marath commented.

"By the looks of him, definitely the latter"

"Again: what's your name?"

The man seemed to slowly regain some control of his senses, his gaze became less unfocused, but he still said: "I don't know."

"What do you mean, you don't know?"

"I don't know!"

"You've just said that!"

"I don't know" the man said. "Where am I? Who am I?"

"You don't know who you are?"

No matter how much Ronnor pressed, the man had no recollection of his identity. Neither did he remember why or how he had ended up in this force-forsaken corner of the galaxy.

"Ronnor, leave it. Everyone onto the bridge!" Sumi commanded.

The crew left and the man found himself, in shackles, alone in the cargo department with a rusty astromech beeping at him. He understood some binary, and the droid said "hello" and "you're in poodoo".

Yeah, he could figure out that much himself. His head hurt and he had no idea where he was. Not even who he was. All he found in his mind was a dark, thick fog and he was shackled up in the cargo compartment of a ship he didn't know.