A/N: Ah! Thanks everyone for all your support! Thanks for all the new people who commented too! I am always open to your thoughts.
To Patsy, all I can say in response to your review is that I was inspired by Katie Herzig's song, Lost and Found, which was featured in S8 ep 3 of greys (although I wasn't sure of the context for the placement of that song...) still, it inspired me, along with the general theme of season 11, although it ended sadly. There will be many allusions in my story to season 11 as you will see in coming chapters. Basically, the title of this story is the theme for most of the characters here...
Anyway, Enjoy!
"And then I discovered I had a daughter I never knew about," Richard gripped the stand in front of him and swallowed, "Thirty years..." he sighed. "It was either come here or have a drink, so I came here."
The group murmured their support of his admission and he wiped his forehead in relief. In speaking at AA, a giant weight lifted off his shoulders. As he stepped down, he saw a familiar brunette head of hair moving out of the group. Amelia?
He strode quickly to reach her, "Amelia!" He called out. She stopped and looked back toward him. "You go to AA?" He asked. It was an obvious question, but he didn't know what else to say.
"Damn. Caught." Amelia said sarcastically.
"Do you want to talk about it? Today must be hard for you." He motioned to a bench.
"I-uh," Amelia started nervously, shoving her hands into her pockets.
"It's alright, I'm not going to say anything," Richard encouraged. He sat down on the bench, ready to listen.
"You have a daughter," Amelia blurted. "Maggie Pierce is your daughter. How crazy is that? That's like, soap opera epic isn't it?"
Richard nodded, it was truly unbelievable, that was for sure. "I-uh..." He shook his head, "I'm just in shock."
Amelia now sat down beside him too. "You're gonna tell her right?"
"I want to... I just don't know how."
"You'll figure it out."
Richard smiled. "Yes, I will." He had a daughter. Amazing. But enough about him, Amelia was trying to change the subject. "Now, how about you?"
Amelia's shoulders slumped and she rubbed her thighs. "I'm managing," she said solemnly.
"Mmm hmm." Although Richard believed her, he wanted her to open up more. That was part of the process.
Amelia shook her head, "He hated me. I crashed his car, hopped up on drugs... I could've gotten him in so much trouble... I was so self involved, you know? And I think all he wanted to do was protect me."
"That sounds like Derek."
"I just... I never got to say goodbye!" Suddenly Amelia burst into tears. Richard pulled her into his arms. She tried to stop and hold it in, but it just resulted in heavier sobs. After a couple minutes she sat up and wiped her eyes. "God, that felt... good, I think."
"It's okay to feel, Amelia."
"I've been holding it in... all day."
"It's okay... just let it out."
Amelia lay her head on his shoulder and sighed loudly. They sat there for a long time, silent in the cool night air. Finally Richard swalllowed, he had something to confess. "Sometimes I blame myself, for the shooting."
Amelia sat up, "What?"
"He took my job, because I was starting to let it slip. I let my addiction take over my problems..." Richard looked at the young woman with deep regret in his eyes. "It should've been me."
"Richard... no." Amelia huffed. "It's not your fault. It's Gary Clark's fault. He pulled the trigger. Just like the bastard who shot my dad. You don't get to blame yourself for this."
"I know... but I do, because it's part of the process, Amelia. Things were left unfinished between you and Derek, and that will always be painful. But let yourself go through the process, don't get stuck."
"How's that working for you?" Amelia asked.
"Most days... It's fine, other days... I'm here aren't I?"
"Yeah, I get it. I'm here too."
Richard reached out and patted Amelia's hand. They were here together at least.
xxx
Lexie slowly entered her sister's room with the letter in her hand. Meredith didn't say anything as she did so, so she took it as a good sign. She lay down on the bed beside Meredith's curled form. "I'm sorry, for what I said, that was... stupid and thoughtless. I really didn't mean it."
Meredith didn't respond, so Lexie reached over and touched her shoulder, wondering if she was asleep or something. "Meredith?"
"I heard."
"Oh."
"But you meant it."
Lexie wanted to fight the accusation, but she supposed the feeling behind her earlier words was true, sometimes she felt her sister tried too hard to get them together, and sometimes that backfired. "Well-"
"I'm just- I feel so stuck. I want to get unstuck," Meredith said. "How...?" her voice cracked and she stopped.
Lexie couldn't see her face, but she imagined Meredith's grey eyes welling with tears she was trying not to release.
Lexie sighed, she didn't really have any answers for her. When her mother died, it was unexpected and painful, but she'd been thrown into the world at Seattle Grace and moving forward came naturally, she had so much to do to get where she wanted to go.
When Derek died, Meredith flung herself into work and pregnancy planning. Lexie remembered coming home to find 'belly buddies' April and Meredith watching Ellis' surgery tapes with ice cream and chinese food resting on their bumps. There was the future to think about.
When Meredith lost the baby... she lost that future. Lexie recalled the deep depression Meredith fell into as she lost almost a year of her residency while recovering from her injuries as well. Richard and Cristina pushed her... if only to keep her alive, and she returned to work with only one thing in mind, to be the best surgeon. But that wasn't enough was it?
"You need to find something to live for, Meredith."
"I'm so scared..."
"Of what?"
"Of losing... I'll get attached, and then-"
"Mer-" Lexie started to reassure her.
"You're leaving too."
How did she know? Did Mark tell her? "What? How- who?"
"C'mon Lexie, you were staring at that letter for ages, you think I wouldn't notice? You talked about that fellowship for weeks."
"I'm sorry." Lexie said. She felt even worse now, "You know, I don't have to go- I can stay here, there's that head of Neuro position... I'll stay here. You're my family Meredith, I want to help you."
Meredith shifted in the bed, turning to face her, "You need to go Lex, this opportunity isn't something you can pass up. Don't make me the reason you give up on your dreams, or you'll resent me, and I'll resent you for resenting me."
"Meredith-"
"Seriously, don't get all co-dependant." Meredith huffed.
Lexie ran her fingers over the paper. Brain mapping, this was the future, the answer to so many problems... Parkinson's, Alzheimers, paralysis... The experience and knowledge she would gain from this would boost her career on so many levels. But more than that It was also validation, that she was something more... "Would you leave Derek to do this?"
"I- what?"
"I mean, if he hurt you... like when he was with Rose- you did the trial, instead of running away... and-" She stopped, seeing Meredith's far off look.
"Lex, I had to work through so much to get to the point to realize that I wanted him, that I wanted the love he had to offer, and that I could trust that he... wouldn't abandon me, like Thatcher. You have to ask yourself if you still want that... do you?"
Lexie bit her lip and desperately wished she had a candy bar or some chips or- her stomach rolled and she swallowed back the nausea, but it was of no avail. Dammit. She rolled off the bed and ran to the bathroom to puke.
xxx
Alex had just settled into a happy post-coital slumber with Jo. She'd jumped him as soon as he got home and dragged him to bed. Man, she was wild sometimes. He wondered what got into her. Whatever it was, it was great. He was really starting to love that girl. He sighed into her shoulder and breathed in her scent.
"Alex..." It wasn't Jo. It was Mer. Crap.
"Go away..." He was happy... he was going to get decent sleep and Jo was right there. What did she want now?
"Alex... wake up." Meredith said.
"M'wake, go away."
"I need to talk to you." Her voice was rough and raspy, like she'd been crying.
"Sleeping," he mumbled anyway. Sleep, he needed sleep. He pulled Jo closer.
"Alex?" Jo shifted in the bed. Then she jerked up, pulling the covers over her. "Meredith?"
"Relax Wilson, I don't care about your boobs." Meredith replied.
Alex moved again to sit up, "Mer... what are you doing?" How long was this going to go on?
"I need to talk to you."
"It's two in the morning..."
Meredith glanced at Jo, "Wilson get out of the bed."
"What? No... my bed, my boyfriend!" She exclaimed posessively.
"Technically it's my bed, my house, my friend. Go."
"You can't just-"
But Meredith gave her the 'look', and Jo wilted, scrambling for a shirt before leaving the room. Meredith promptly slid onto the bed beside him, on top of the covers. He reached over and turned the light on to squint at his 'Person', "Yang said this would happen, I didn't think it would be so soon," He muttered.
xxx
Although Mark had the most comfortable king size bed money could buy, sleep evaded him. He lay there, on his side, staring at the empty spot where Lexie used to lay. God, how could he be so stupid? He'd done this with Addison too, when he was in love with her, and living with her. He'd gone and had sex with some other woman, he didn't even remember her name now. Why did he do that?
He groaned and rolled onto his stomach, willing the night away so he would be free of this terrible feeling.
Then he heard the door to his apartment open and the familiar jingle of Lexie's keys. His breath hitched when he heard her footsteps in the kitchen. He smiled when he heard her swear under her breath when she stubbed her toe on something. Mark waited, hoping she'd come into the bedroom.
But she didn't. There was no movement on the other side of the door. He waited a moment or two longer, and then he couldn't help himself, he had to go to her. He pulled a T-shirt on and walked out of the bedroom.
Lexie was on the couch, looking drunk and adorable, munching on dill pickle chips. He sat down on the couch with her, sure to leave space between them. She looked at him for a second, before her eyes darted back to the bag of chips . He expected her to get up and leave the couch, but she didn't.
Afraid to make any sudden moves, he breathed shallow breaths and tried not to stare at her too long.
Lexie sniffed and wiped her nose with the back of her hand. "I want you," she said. "I know you love me very much, so much... And I want you. I want your love. I want everything you have to offer. I do... but-"
"I broke your trust."
"Yeah," she gulped, as a tear came down her cheek. "Why? Why did you do that... thing? Do you want me?"
Mark buried his face in his palms. It was a loaded question, wasn't it? Obviously he wanted her... But his earlier actions didn't line up with his intentions. Goddamn. "Lex- I'm scared."
"What?"
"I'm scared to want you. To want us. This. The future. I'm so scared we'll be in it so deep and then I'll break it."
"But... that's exactly what you did!"
"Maybe..." He sighed, his heart full of regret. "I didn't give us enough time."
"What, so if you ruin it early than there's less hurt feelings?"
"I- I don't know what else to say Lex, except that I want you too."
"You want me, but you hurt me."
"I..." He had no other response except 'I'm sorry,' and he knew she didn't want to hear that again.
"I'm going to D.C. I'm going to prove to them how brilliant I am. I'm going to do something great... and while I'm there, I'm going to think about what I want and if I can trust you again."
His heart fell into his stomach at her words. He swallowed nervously and rubbed his stubbled chin.
"So you better get over being scared, and figure out how to prove that you're not a manwhore anymore and... wait for me."
"Wait for you?" He asked over an arched eyebrow.
"We both want this right? But you have to stop being an immature sex crazed teenager, and I have to stop being a co-dependant loser who'll just do whatever anyone wants just to be accepted and loved."
He tilted his head. Lexie was growing up, she wanted him to grow up. "Okay."
"Okay," Lexie said, she bit her bottom lip and gazed deeply at him. She leaned forward, her breath warm on his lips. Mark bent his head slightly, meeting her lips with his own, the taste of dill and oil and salt enticing his tongue.
They pulled away at the same time. Lexie stood up, "I'm gonna go to bed. But you're staying here, on the couch."
"Ouch! That stings!" He wanted her beside him in bed.
"Immature sex crazed teenager!" She accused.
"Fine," Mark grumbled. But inside he was smiling. At least she was here.
A/N: So McSlexie might take awhile... but it's about time they grew up right? Next chapter is Mer-centric and flashbacky as we go into some detail about what happened to her. It will be dark, Mer is deep in the woods here, but very soon she will find some hope, though she may not recognize it right away.