Toc. Toc. Toc.
The knocking on the door didn't stopped.
Outside the pokemon center the sun was shining, emitting that summer heat characteristic of that time of year. The song of the Pidgeys, which filled the immensity of the blue sky, cheered the city
In the bedroom, however, darkness dominated. Underneath a thick layer of sheets, Ash stared at the ceiling, just breathing and existing.
It had been an exultant week since Gary's body had been taken by the funeral home to Viridian City. He had heard from a hallway conversation that he his body had been cremated at an intimate burial, with only a few close family members and friends present.
Toc. Toc. Toc.
Ash sighed.
"You can leave the food at the door," he said loudly trying to make that hell noise stop. "I already said I don't want to talk to anyone."
Nurse Joy insisted on forcing him to have a visit with a psychiatrist.
"Ash, I know you went through some traumatic events these last few days. If you want to talk I can make an appointment...", she spoke from the other side of the door trying to convince him to leave that room .
Ash, however, only answered with his silence.
He had nothing against the woman — he knew she was trying to help him in any way she could. However, he had no desire to leave that darkly cozy nook that had become his safety zone.
As long as he stayed there he wouldn't have to face the harsh reality.
The real world is a scary place, he thought.
When he closed his eyes he could still have flashes of memories from that day.
The Arbok. That woman's sadistic smile. Gary's blood soaking his hand.
"Ash, I'm really worried about you. I know you're depressed about everything that happened but you can't spend the rest of your life blaming yourself for something that wasn't your fault...", Luna had said through the psychic link trying to remove the sheets that were all over his body. "You don't smile or eat anymore, if you keep this up you won't last long."
Ash, however, just pulled back the covers and hid.
"It really wasn't my fault?," he had replied. "That Poison Tail was aimed at me. If Gary hadn't pushed me I might as well have died in his place."
He had clasped his hands so violently that he had feared piercing his skin.
"If I hadn't hit that woman in her eye it wouldn't have set off a chain reaction, maybe Gary could still be alive..."
Luna just shut up, knowing that at that moment nothing she could say would alleviate the boy's anguish.
When the seventh day has arrived, Ash had finally decided to get out of bed. He walked into the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror.
His face was a mess. Two huge dark circles formed bags just below his eyes. His hair was oily. His teeth yellow.
When he had lifted his shirt to step into the shower he had noticed that his ribs were showing. His belly was negative. His legs and arms were as thin as two sticks.
He just took off his clothes and went under the water, letting the shower wet his entire body.
He could have spent hours there, if he'd been willing enough to mind the passing of time.
What Day is Today? Is it already night?
The days seemed to go by quickly, but it made no difference. All were the same. He spent the day looking at the ceiling of the bedroom. When his mind wasn't dominated by complete emptiness, it was the pessimistic thoughts. Memories that were reluctant to leave his mind, running endlessly like a movie.
He remembered a specific day. One of the only times in her life when Gary had been nice to him.
That day.
He was walking down the school hallway carrying his supplies when he was approached by Trevor and his friends. It was time for his daily bullying session.
"Oops Oops, it looks like we've got a fugitive straight out of the Pallet Institute for retards. Ash Ketchum, the pokemon master," Trevor said as he spotted Ash passing by. He had a weasel face and such a delicate face that Ash found himself constantly wondering what he would look like after contact with his fists.
The other two boys who walked with him had laughed.
They dropped his books to the floor and backed him against the wall, trapping him.
"Retarded!"
"Weirdo!"
"Fag!"
"Pussy!"
"Eat shit!"
The insults used to last about five minutes, he knew that as he had already memorized the routine. He just got listless waiting for it all to end. At first he tried to react, however, with time, he just didn't care anymore.
But that day something different had happened.
Gary had arrived at the scene and removed the boys from Ash.
"Come on Gary, are you kidding me?", Trevor had complained when approached by Oak's grandson.
"Don't you have something more important to do? I need to talk to Ash, go find another loser to play as a punching bag."
Trevor had grimaced but had followed his order. He didn't have enough chest to face the almighty Gary.
Ash had gathered his books from the floor. Then he looked at Gary with inquiring eyes, "What do you want?"
Gary had pushed him against the wall. Ash had already prepared himself for what was to come, however, he had been surprised.
Gary had glued his lip to his for a few seconds. So he had just walked away.
In shock, Ash said, "W-w-why did you do that?"
Gary had turned away. "I just wanted to test something out... Get an answer to something that was hammering in my mind."
Ash was red with the abrupt move. But for some reason he hadn't been angry.
When Gary was far away in the corridor, Ash had the courage to ask, "And did you get the answer?"
The boy had replied, still not turning to face him: "Maybe."
So, ever since that day, Ash had kept that memory under lock and key in the depths of his mind. His relationship with Gary, of course, had remained the same.
He turned off the shower.
He looked at his face again in the mirror.
"Trash, you're nothing but a piece of trash. So insignificant that even a Muk wouldn't like you," he talked with his reflection.
Then he started to cry. He punched the mirror, breaking it.
He heard a knock at the door.
"Ash, Ash!,"that was Luna.
A few pieces of glass were lying on the floor.
Not knowing what he was doing, he picked up a piece lying near his foot. He looked at it for a few seconds, reflective.
If I hadn't... If I hadn't...
He felt his skin being cut. The glass touched his flesh, causing a diverging sensation of pain and sadistic pleasure. Blood began to trickle down his hand, smearing the sink.
He made another cut, this time slower and deeper.
" I'm afraid my journey ends here... You have to promise..."
Suddenly, a relapse of rationality took over.
What am I doing?
His life couldn't end like that. Trapped in a dark and gloomy room, alone and depressed. His dream was to become a pokemon master. Besides, he had yet to find his father again. His promise...
" One day I'm still going to find him!"
He washed his arm in the sink, cleaning up the blood under running water.
He left the bathroom. When he opened the door, he saw that Luna was leaning against the door, spying on him.
Upon noticing that she had been caught in the act, she blushed.
"N-that's not what you're thinking," she said.
Ash opened the window blinds, allowing daylight to enter the room. He wore a pair of casual clothes, a long-sleeved shirt and shorts. Then, he walked out the door, accompanied by Luna who still didn't have the courage to look him in the eye.
When he reached the hallway he had noticed that the plates of food were piled up in front of the door, sour and stale.
He walked over them down the stairs towards the Pokemon Center Lobby.
Joy was examining a trainer's Sandshrew with a stethoscope. When she saw him, she changed her face to concern. She ran away and stopped in front of him.
"Ash, you finally got out of that room. How are you feeling?," she asked.
She looked at his wrist and was startled. Ash hid it under his long sleeves.
"Ash... Are you self-mutilating?"
He just turned away, avoiding the nurse's gaze.
"Your mother and Professor Oak have been trying to talk to you for days, I think..."
Ash interrupted her and replied curtly, "Mind your own business."
"Ash, I know you're going through a difficult time right now, but I think you should really visit a psychiatrist or someone who helps you get over this pain that you carry...", she said ignoring Ash's unfriendly expression. . She took a type of card from her lab coat pocket. "This is the location of Dr. Jude's office, a great professional and friend of mine."
Joy reached out to hand Ash the card.
His face turned grim. That had been the trigger. He slapped Joy's hand, causing the nurse to drop the card to the floor. The expression on her face was one of shock.
"DO YOU REALLY THINK A FUCKING psychiatrist WILL SOLVE EVERYTHING!?," yelled Ash in a deep voice.
"Ash, you..."
She took a fearful step back.
"IT'S VERY EASY TO SAY THAT WHEN YOU HAVEN'T SAW SOMEONE BEING KILLED IN FRONT OF YOU. THE BLOOD, THE EXPRESSION OF TERROR BEFORE DIE. SAVE ME YOUR FAKE COMPASSION FOR SOMEONE WHO CARES, I DON'T NEED ANYONE'S HELP."
Everyone in the center looked at the discussion, fearfully. Luna held both of her hands with melancholy.
I don't need anyone's pity!
"Nothing will bring him back...," he said in a broken voice.
Then, he ran out of the Pokemon center, with no fixed destination, just wanting to get away from those judging and accusing stares.