A/N: Big thanks to roganjalex, Patsy, and mandyg67 who reviewed last chap. Also thanks to everyone who faved and followed, you guys are awesome!

Big chapter here! Enjoy!

Lexie slipped her empty dish in the sink. Dinner with Mark had been awkward. They talked a little about their day and about Sofia, and about her trip... but, hello, Big Elephant was in the room, ie, their relationship.

Mark kept sneaking glances at her when he thought she wasn't looking. But she noticed, because, it was Mark and her attraction to him must be something beyond normal. She was a proton, and he was an electron and... well, you know...

Soon there'd be almost three-thousand miles between them, and no matter how much she tried to hate him for being an immature- sex-crazed teenager, she would miss him. And it wasn't about the sex, okay well it was... but it was also... she pursed her lips, thinking. It was the sparkle in his eyes over his surgical mask when they worked together. It was his interest in her... how much he knew about her. He knew the little things, like her favorite snacks, and her little OCD moments before a surgery. He knew her photographic memory, while a gift was also a curse, and he never abused that, asking for random facts like Cristina and Alex used to do.

He read all the Harry Potter books just so they could talk about it. They had surprisingly deep philosophical conversations over the series, he even went so far as to purchase Harry Potter for Muggles. Although he nicknamed her 'little Grey', he never considered her 'little.' He respected and encouraged her talent, more than anyone at SGH. He was the one who pressed her for neuro, even though Derek wasn't there to teach her. He actually got Owen to bring in Weller from Cleveland Clinic to foster her talent.

Now she was leaving him... sorta kinda. She wanted to grow out of pleasing people. She didn't have to 'try' with Mark, like she did with George. Mark noticed her. He wanted her.

Just...

Was this 'space' thing the right idea? Or was she just punishing him? Because she would also be sex-deprived.

She walked down the hall, Mark was reading "Green eggs and Ham" to Sofia for probably the fifteenth time.

She smiled as she listened to his bass timbre...

"And I would eat them in a boat, and I would eat them with a goat..."

Mark looked up when her shadow crossed the door. "And I will eat them in the rain and in the dark, and on a train..." he smiled. Sofia was nodding off in his arms. He put the book down and scooped her up, placing her on her new big bed. After he tucked her in, he kissed his daughter on her forehead and tucked the blankets in and around his beautiful daughter.

"Hey," Lexie said.

"Hey..."

She chewed her lip. "Space is good right? I mean... we need to mature right?"

Mark patted the floor next to him. She stepped into the room and sat beside him indian style.

"Lexie, I hurt you, remember?"

Yes, she did remember... but-

"If you let me in now," Mark continued, "How am I supposed to learn anything? How am I supposed to treat you better? Respect you? Love you?"

"Oh..." she said.

"It's you I want, Lexie. It always was. But if you make this easy... We won't grow. Let me win you over again, okay? Give me that chance. It'll be worth it." He pulled her close to him and kissed her temple.

"Okay," Lexie relented. So space was good. For now.

"I was gonna take off, Cheryl next door is coming over to watch Sofia. I, uh wasn't sure if you were going to stay tonight."

"I'm staying... but I need to go to Meredith's and pick up some things."

"I'll drive you."

"Okay." She let him, because he was Mark and she wanted him to win her over. Although she suspected he really didn't have to do much to do that... still she was eager to find out how.

xxx

Owen handed Amelia the bowl of ramen. She stared at it quizically. "Ramen?" she asked.

"Yuzo Shio Ramen." He said, nodding.

"Yu-huh-what?"

She was cute that way, he had to admit. "Just try it..." he said. It had a rich citrusy broth that he loved, and the kelp was perfectly cooked and tender.

"I don't know if I'm a big fan of food that requires slurping." Amelia made a face as she picked at the ramen with her chopsticks, swirling the noodles around in the broth. "Maybe we should've gotten sushi."

"Sushi always made me a little queasy," Owen admitted. "Just the thought of sushi..." He shook his head. "Ramen, on the other hand..." he remembered a place he used to go during med school. It was open until two or three in the morning. Perfect for a brain-dead med student to stumble into and pick up an inexpensive hearty meal that could soothe his stomach and provide nourishment.

"Well, Derek always did like green stuff." Amelia said.

Owen chuckled. "Yeah, he was a bit of a health nut."

Something changed in Amelia's deep blue eyes. Regret- or... what?

"Sorry," he said, clearing his throat. He sipped his water and looked back down at his soup. He didn't mean to-

"No, it's okay." Amelia said, swallowing.

Awkward silence followed. He chewed thoughtfully, just wondering what exactly he was doing here, with Amelia. Obviously he liked her and wanted to be her friend. He didn't really know her that well... but she was a good surgeon, and a good person. Someone who had already battled her own demons. Someone who had to walk in the tremendous shoes of her God-like brother.

That couldn't be easy.

"Are..." He stammered, "uh, Amelia... How are you?"

"Oh, I'm managing... I manage."

He didn't want to press... but he did anyway. "You manage?"

Amelia put her chopsticks down and gave him a look like, 'We're really gonna talk about this here? Now?'

Oops. He shifted in his chair and sighed, but the more he looked into her eyes the more he could see that maybe... she needed something. Or someone. He let his arm fall across the table, his fingertips touching her own. "Sometimes..." he tilted his head, thinking of the words to say... "It's hard to manage on your own." He thought of Cristina... how much she needed him after the shooting. Long hours in the bathtub, or on the couch, moments in on- call rooms, just talking... or hugging, wrapping her up.

It was hard to be alone and deal with loss.

"Yeah..." Amelia whispered, her eyes shiny. "Can we take this to go? It's late and-"

His lips twitched into a smile. "Of course," he said.

They climbed into the truck and headed for Meredith's.

As he drove over the bridge to Meredith's house, he felt her gaze on him. He slid his eyes to the right, watching her in the play of shadow and light through the window as streetlights passed.

She was... there was... he couldn't describe how he felt under that gaze, but it was good. It was a good thing, and he needed a good thing. Cristina was gone, and he'd only now accepted the fact that she wasn't his anymore, that she was out there, doing her thing... happy. And he was... well, he was managing.

He pulled up across the street from Meredith's. It didn't appear that anyone was home yet. "Here we are," he said, turning to Amelia. He turned the ignition, shutting the truck off. "Do you-" his words were caught, however, as Amelia lunged at him, pressing her lips onto his, her arms around his neck, pulling him close to her.

xxx

Meredith took another swig. Another. Derek's Gravestone stared back at her with a blank face. "You and your stupid boy penis!" She yelled.

No response. Of course, what did she expect? Her exasperated sigh turned into a sob and she bent down to grab the stone for support as she slid down, leaning against it. She could almost feel him now beside her. The grass was cool and wet from a recent rainfall that she never noticed, but she didn't care. She pulled at the grass absently, throwing the blades into the air. "I miss you."

Hmm, I miss you too.

"I'm sorry I yelled. It's not really your fault," she sipped the tequila, the liquid burning and comforting at the same time. "It's fucking Gary Clark and his fucking gun. It's the fucking idiot teenager and his fucking Camaro. It's the universe fucking with me all over again."

That's a lot of fucking.

"Shut up!" She sobbed, but half laughed at the same time. Horndog. My husband is a horndog. "It's not a joke! It's- I hurt all the time... and I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of the dark and twisty... I'm tired of being freaking Medusa." Another swig, another burn down her throat.

"There was like, two hours where I was the happiest I'd ever been in my entire life. I had you, and I was pregnant, and I had Cristina... and you were Chief," she swallowed and allowed herself to remember that feeling of pure joy. Pregnant and glowing and happy. Having a baby, being a family. Extraordinary.

You promised dirty sex.

"Yeah..." she grinned. "A vibrator in the tub just isn't the same."

The alcohol started to take affect now, Meredith's limbs relaxed and she felt the familiar buzz in her brain. She still felt pathetically mixed up... but she didn't feel anxious or upset about her mixed-upedness. After a few more swallows of tequila she lay down on her back, parallel to the gravestone. She absently rested a hand on her flat stomach. A flashback of Anna's hand on her C-section scar caused her to wince. "I wish I told you..."

Mer...

"You didn't want me to be alone... and I thought If I told you... you might think I'd be okay, because I wouldn't be alone," she blinked hard, not wanting to cry. "I was selfish. I should've told you. You would've been so happy."

...

As long as I had you, I was happy. You were enough.

Meredith stared at the stars that were now pricking through the dark sky. Crickets made their cricket noises, the wind shuffled the leaves in the trees, birds hooted or chirped or whatever. "I can't have kids, Derek... my uterus is closed for business." Empty, she felt empty.

Oh, Meredith...

"It's just... I wanted it. I didn't know how much I wanted it again," Until I was told I couldn't have it, she thought. "Derek... I want-" she started, but she couldn't finish her thought in words. "It's Alex's fault," she muttered instead.

What's Karev got to do with this?

"He's my Person now. Cristina's off in Switzerland making hearts and she left me Alex."

Okay, but what does he have to do with my wife's uterus?

"Don' be jealous..." she slurred.

Jealous? Of Karev? Over my dead body!

"Hey! I'm the one who's 'posedta be makin' the dead Derek jokes not you." She sniggered.

Oh... Sorry.

She lifted the tequila bottle up. How much had she consumed? A third? She blinked and sighed, turning on her side to face the stone. She rubbed the stenciled letters of his name, wishing it was his stubbled jaw instead.

"He made me babysit..." she whispered. "This little girl, Anna..." She's just like me, she thought. She thought about the sad shrug Anna gave when she said, 'my mommy died in a ax-uh-dent'. It broke her heart to hear that.

Those beautiful eyes and those little hands... that feeling of waking up next to someone who needed her. Meredith wondered how it was that she felt so peaceful for that five seconds she'd stared into Anna's eyes. You so sweepy Merediff. "Now I feel stuff-"

It was like she was on the high dive, staring down into a pool of love and hope and bright and shiny... But it was a loooong way down, the wind was blowing hard, and though the pool was deep, it was very small.

She knew she could handle the dive... She could leap. She was a leaper.

But the landing?

What if she missed?

"Der- I wanna live... I want bright'n shiny, but-" she couldn't hold it in anymore, and succumbed to soft sobs. "'I'm so scared! What if I miss? What if I lose agin?"

She sat up, fighting the ongoing ache of grief in her chest. Her fingers brushed hot salty tears off her cheeks. She took three big sips of tequila, and grimaced at the fire in her throat. Could she stand? She should probably try, she didn't want to pass out here and hoped she could make it to the entrance so a cab could pick her up.

It took her a few tries, but finally she was standing, shaky and wobbly and swaying. She looked back down at the grave. "Every night I dream of losing you...or th'baby and..." she blinked away the hot tears, "Der, I can't lose again. I won't make it."

A warm wind blew around her...

He was here.

A gentle caress pushed messy bangs out of her eyes and tickled the skin on her cheeks. Meredith felt his presence behind her, his hands sliding down her arms and entwining her fingers with his own. His chin rested against her ear, and she could feel his warm breath and stubble-y cheek against her.

She shivered.

You survived a bombing, a drowning, a shooting, and an accident. You survived loving me and losing me... Meredith... you're the strongest person I know.

"But I-" She didn't feel strong... she felt... tired.

If you could go back in time and spare yourself the pain of losing me and the baby, would you?

"What kinda quesshun izzat?" she blurted. ""Course I'd do." Clearly grammer was failing her now.

What if it meant never meeting me?

"Huh?" Meredith asked, blinking.

No pain, but no Derek. No baby.

The thought was unthinkable. No pain... but no Derek? No knight in shiny whatever? No post-it wedding? No happy fluttery moments with pumpkin in her belly?

"No." She swallowed. "Thaas not how this works..." She couldn't see it. It wasn't in the realm of her imagining... never meeting Derek meant... what? A big blank white space encased her vision.

Well?

"Thinking here!" she stomped her foot petulently, "Derek... if-if I din't have you... I'd be Ellis two-point-oh."

Miserable.

"Yeah."

Like you are right now.

She felt a squeeze on her hand. Or she imagined it... or something.

Dark and twisty?

"Maybe," she mumbled. If she hadn't met Derek, she might've never known love in the first place. And that thought was a lot worse. Having and knowing love... made her a person. Made her... made everything in the world mean more. Colors were brighter. Feelings were more feelinger...(again with the grammer.) Having love in her life meant she wasn't some ordinary girl. It meant she wouldn't turn out like her mother, emotionally stunted and alone.

On the high dive again, she looked down, the wind blew in her face. The pool below looked so inviting. "Wasser point?" she asked her shining knight.

Jump.

Terror rumbled in her heart, "What if I miss?"

Jump again.

"Why? It'll hurt!" She did that before, look where it got her.

Maybe it won't. Maybe you won't miss. A perfect ten.

She couldn't. She couldn't move... she was stuck. "Derek- I"

You did it before... with me remember? Trust me Meredith. You're not finished.

"Every where, allatime... sayin' things," she sighed.

Her gaze wandered past Derek's gravestone, to the nearby tree he was buried beside. There was another grave there. A tiny grave. Baby Grey-Shepherd's grave.

She stumbled toward it. She hated this grave because she had to battle so much guilt everytime she came... hence the tequila. "I'm sorry," she said softly. "I'm so sorry." She sat down on her knees in front of the white stone and wrapped her arms around herself. Even four years later, this still haunted her, although rationally, she knew she shouldn't blame herself... she couldn't help it. She felt she failed her in some way. She failed to protect her daughter. "I hope you're okay... wherever you are," she said.

Don't worry. She is...

She closed her eyes.

"Grey?" A deep voice called, startling her awake.

Mark? What was he doing here now? Did someone send him here? Probably Lexie. God what time was it? "Whattya doin here?"

"I was gonna talk to Derek..."

"Oh." she said, pulling herself up to a standing position. The ground tilted for a minute while she scrabbled for balance. "Well I warmed him up for ya," she drawled, jerking a thumb at her husband's grave.

"You're drunk." Mark said, with an amused smile.

"I yam," she said, smiling. Mark's presence was comforting, she didn't feel so alone.

"You're a sweet potato?"

"Sh'up" She swayed and landed on his chest. It felt good. Strong and warm, but it wasn't Derek's chest.

"You're damp."

"I yam?" she asked, looking down at herself. Oh... laying down on wet grass would do that, she supposed... she hadn't even noticed or cared before.

"Are you going to be quoting popeye now?"

"Pop who?"

"Nevermind, you're very drunk, I should take you home." Mark rumbled, giving her a good once-over.

"But you hafta talk to Derek!" Meredith insisted, she didn't want to keep Mark from his brother, his friend. "He's verry wisdom-y tonight. He keeps sayin' things." She blinked thoughtfully, tapping Marks chest with a finger. "Imma perfect ten you know..."

Mark smirked, turning his attention to the grave for a moment. "I'll talk to him in the morning, Derek needs his beauty rest."

Meredith chortled. "Thas verry true."

Mark wrapped an arm around her waist to stablise her, and turned around to walk her out.

"Wait!" she called. "I din't say goodbye..." She escaped Mark's grasp and staggered back to Derek's grave. She picked up the half empty tequila bottle, not a good idea to leave it here. Where was the lid? Crap. Oh well.

Standing in front of his grave she felt a weight lift off her shoulders. She felt him in her, pushing her, like he always did, but supporting her too. She felt... like she was on the cusp of something, she just had to believe it right? "Thanks, Derek," Meredith said, "I- think...I want this... I want to try, and- I trust you," she rambled. "I'm not finished. I can't be, I don't wanna be a tired old spinster. So... thanks, and goodnight. " Her soap scrubbed fingertips touched her lips as she transferred a kiss to the gravestone. "I love you. I miss you."

I love you Meredith Grey.

xxx

Maggie patted her hands dry in the scrub room. The surgery had of course been successful. "That was incredible," she said. "It only took how long to remove the gall bladder?"

"Uh... twenty seconds?" Richard asked.

"You're rounding up." Maggie replied.

"Eh," Richard hummed, shrugging.

"Not like it matters to you... you've probably done thousands of these in your life," Maggie continued. She didn't believe that half of her was surgical royalty, and the other half of her was kickass.

"I lost count somewhere after five-hundred I believe."

"Richard..." Maggie regarded the man she was getting to know as her father, "How do I tell her? What if-"

"Maggie, if you feel you should tell her, than you should."

"But what if she- I don't know how she'll react. What if she doesn't want to know me?"

"Look, Meredith will probably react badly at first. That's a given. But you can't be here and not be yourself. You have to tell her for your own sake. Let the truth come out, rip off the band-aid."

She considered his words, imagined Meredith's reaction to her revelation. It could be bad. She could yell, laugh, call her a liar, storm away, refuse to have anything to do with her. It was a leap. But Richard was right. It had to come out sometime, she couldn't walk around the hospital with this secret.

She would tell her. And whatever happened... happened. Maggie didn't want to wait another minute. The tension was killing her. Knowing her, she'd probably blurt it out during surgery while Meredith held a ten-blade in her thin, nimble fingers. "Richard... I don't want to wait. I need to do this now. But... maybe you could come with me? I don't even know where she lives."

"Sure." Richard said with a reassuring gaze, "I'll drive you."

xxx

Meredith reached for Mark's arms so he could pull her out of his Corvette. It took her more strength than she thought. Of course, it didn't help that it was so low to the ground. She chuckled as she gripped his forearms and he pulled her up. "Whoa," she mumbled. Everything was spin-y

Mark waited with her until there was only one of him and the world slowed down. She swallowed. Damn high dives. Damn Tequila.

"You okay Grey?" he asked.

"It's too early to be this drunk," she whined.

"C'mon, almost home, then hangover heaven right?"

"Yay me."

He helped her up the steps, as her house was on a bit of a hill, and walked her to the door. She fumbled in her pockets for her keys... crap. She left her purse at work. "Crap," she muttered. There was a spare set though... under the swing. She took a few steps toward the swing, but there were people in the swing.

"Mark, there's people in my swing," she said.

"Um, yeah..." He said from behind her.

"Why are there people in my swing?" she asked him, and then she turned to the two people in her swing, "Why are you in my swing?" Especially her. Why was she in her swing?

Richard stood up slowly. "Hello Meredith," he said.

"Richard, why is Maggie in my swing?" she slurred.

Richard scratched his head nervously, "Um, it's nothing... I was just- you look tired-"

"Dr. Pierce, what the hell are you doing in my swing?" Meredith asked, bypassing Richard's obvious attempts to abort whatever scheme he was planning.

Maggie stood up and cleared her throat. "Meredith, there's no easy way to say this... so I'm just going to say it..." She paused and looked down at her feet as if to gather some sort of inner courage.

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Out with it Pierce, or I'll barf all over you!" she said, swaying slightly.

"You know... Maybe this is a bad time..." Richard said.

"No! You're the one who encouraged me to do this... rip off the band-aid right?" Maggie replied.

"Uh..." Richard stammered.

They were interrupted by the door opening, Lexie came out of the house, awkwardly hefting a couple boxes. She stopped on the porch when she saw Meredith, Maggie, and Richard... "Oh... Mer, you're here... I didn't know you were having company over." She shifted, catching Mark's attention, who immediately took the boxes from her arms. "Thanks," she breathed.

"I'm not having company over," Meredith said. She swallowed heavily. Her body was starting to reject the earlier tequila. Not good.

"I'm just gonna say it..." Maggie looked Meredith right in the eye. "I was adopted. In Boston... and I found out last year... that Ellis Grey is my biological mother, and I just found out today that Richard Webber is my biological father."

Meredith's brain spun. Say that again? You did what with who for how many quarters? Ellis Grey, biological mother... Richard... father. She tried the calculation in her head, but nothing was computing. Two plus two is five? "Huh?"

Maggie stepped closer, took Meredith's hand and pulled her to sit down next to her on the swing. "My mother... my biological mother... is Ellis Grey," she said, enunciating each syllable.

Whatever she said still didn't register. "What?"

It was Lexie who clarified it for her, "Oh my freaking God... Meredith, she's your sister!"

Meredith looked at Maggie blankly. "You're my sister?" she asked, her voice a hoarse whisper. She blinked, the contents of her stomach rolled around. Another noise got her attention, someone coming up the stairs.

Amelia appeared on the steps, dragging a suitcase behind her. She stopped, eyeing Mark and Lexie, her mouth set in an apologetic frown at first, but then her jaw dropped when she saw Maggie and Meredith on the swing and a very worried Richard. "Oh... this is awkward," she said.

Meredith's gaze slid to Lexie, then to Amelia, then landed on Maggie. "I have too many sisters," she croaked weakly before upchucking all over Maggie's lap.

A/N: Okay, that was so much fun to write! Please review! Also check out my newest fic, Off the Carousel if you're A Good Witch fan... or even if you're not. Meredith Grey meets Cassie Nightingale in Middleton USA...

Anyway thanks so much!