A/N: Thanks so much for your patience readers! I had to get some things out of my head regarding A Fight to Remember, as that story is just starting to get reaally amazing! But, I haven't forgotten you all over here either! I broke 50k word count and 100 reviews last update, thank you all so much for your support!

I know you are all wondering about Anna, and I haven't forgotten about her! We will see her soon! But for now, Zola is here!

Thanks to: Patsy, Mandyg67, and Camilla Grey for your comments!

Onward!

Washington D.C. was so not Seattle, Lexie surmised gripping the handrail of the train as it shuttled her through a tunnel on the way to NIH headquarters where she'd be starting her fellowship.

For one, everyone wore suits. And was preppy. There was the faint scent of men's cologne all around her. She sighed. The train rattled along, and she swayed as it curved slightly. She'd barely been gone a couple days and already she was missing him.

Okay Lexie, seriously, get a grip, she thought. This is about your career now... This is about you. You have to stop thinking about Mark. Stop thinking about his gorgeous eyes, that delicous mouth- the way his kisses just-

Argh! Stop it! Stop it! Lexie chomped on her lip. She swayed with the train and stared blankly at the dark window. Think about brains. Yes brains. Brains and their neurons and synapses... Yes, I am gonna be mapping the brain. That's right, me. As in moi... Dr. Lexie Grey, will be solving all kinds of neuro-related disorders with this new technology. Imagine... A cure for Parkinson's or Autism, or being able to hook the brain up to a computer chip if someone is paralysed or deaf or blind to help resolve their deficits. Yes. Yes... you Lexie Grey, are on the forefront of breakthrough medical technology. They chose you. They picked you. Why? Because you are freaking brilliant! Lexie nodded resolutely as she stepped off at her stop. She pushed her chest out, thrust her chin up, and vowed to walk with confidence into NIH.

Except her stomach rumbled. Oh... she was so hungry. Like an Oasis in the dessert, a bagel cart beckoned. Perfect! And only a couple people in line. She didn't want to be late. Lexie shuffled over there and dug in her pocket for change. She stared at the menu... so many choices. Pumpernickel? Really? That was a bagel? Huh.

"Um..." she said as she approached the stand, counting her change. "I'll have an everything bagel with garlic cream cheese? And a coffee, please..."

"Absolutely!"

That voice. What? Lexie looked up, those broad shoulders, that beautiful back. It couldn't be... it wasn't... she bit the inside of her cheek as the man turned around.

She blinked in shock as Mark handed her the warm toasted bagel. "A good day starts with a good breakfast!" he said with a grin. "That'll be five dollars please..."

Oh God...

xxx

April rolled over in bed and sighed. She looked at the clock... it was early yet, but she felt... she had a feeling... She rubbed her eyes and sat up, causing the mattress to shift. Jackson shifted beside her. She hoped she didn't wake him. He looked so cute when he was sleeping. His whole face relaxed, and there was no tension in the light creases on his forehead. Finally she got up and went to the bathroom, her urge to pee greater then her desire to stay in the warm covers.

After she finished, she padded over to Noah's room to check on him too. They always kept the door open a crack and the hallway light on for a little reassurance for Noah. But he was fine. Sprawled in his big boy bed, shirtless of course, he resembled his father with that same peaceful face. She tiptoed in and sat on the corner of the bed and stroked his soft curls. She didn't know why she felt so... weird, but the feeling seemed to be going away. Maybe it was just hormones.

Noah shifted and blinked. "Momma?" he asked.

"Hey sweetie," April whispered. "Go back to sleep."

He closed his eyes for a minute, but then opened them again. "Momma..."

"Yes?" she asked.

Noah sat up and turned around so he could lean against her. He pressed his ear against the tiny bump that was forming with the soon to be newest addition to the family. "Is the baby sleeping?" he asked.

April rubbed the small bump. "Yeah, probably..." she said. She was sure it would be very soon that she would start to feel the baby move inside her, supposedly, on your second pregnancy you could feel movement sooner, and so she was excited for that. Anytime now.

Noah put his hand on her belly too and rubbed it. He scrunched up his face, his forehead and nose wrinkling.

"What are you doing?" April asked.

"Makin wishes," her son said.

"Making wishes..." April trailed off.

"I learneded it in payschool," Noah said, "You rub..." he rubbed her abdomen "And then the genuis comes out and gives you a wish!"

"Okaay..." She would have to make a mental note to talk to the playschool teachers. What exactly were they teaching her son? Although she was pretty sure it was just harmless fluff. Maybe they were reading Aladdin or something. She hugged Noah, and kissed the top of his head. "What are you wishing for?"

"Issa secret," he said, putting a finger to his lips.

"Okay." She said. Whatever did he wish? She rubbed his back and they sat there together for awhile, until she felt him relax and his breaths go deeper. Gently, she tucked him back into bed and kissed his cheek. "Goodnight," she whispered.

She rubbed her eyes and scuffled off back to bed. When she settled in beside Jackson, he turned and wrapped his arms around her.

"You okay?" he asked softly.

April smiled, bringing his hand around her stomach and putting her own over his. "Mmm hmm, I am now."

"Okay," he said, before falling back asleep.

A few moments later, all worries banished from her mind, April drifted into peaceful slumber too.

xxx

"You paged me?" Richard asked as he entered the scrubroom.

"Yeah..." Meredith said, rapidly running a nailbrush over her fingernails. "Do you have my mother's journals? From the spring of '83'?"

"Yes..." he said slowly.

Meredith regarded Richard carefully. He'd been there that night, when Maggie had told her that she was Ellis Grey's daughter. She'd denied it, refused it... because she would have known right? She would've known if her mother was fat and then not fat? And what did Maggie Pierce want from her? It seemed everyone wanted something from her. Lexie did, at first... when she first met her. Earlier this week with Owen, when he wanted her to talk to this patient... and now Pierce. "Can you get them for me? I just want to see... I dunno, maybe she wrote something in there that you missed."

"All right," Richard nodded. "Is that it?

Meredith looked out at the girl in the OR. "I remember this day... We were at the park, at the carousel, and you were there, and I think you were arguing... do you remember what she said? What you said?"

Richard sighed... "That... was the day I left your mother. That was the day I chose Adele. Ellis... I was jealous, of all she accomplished. All she could accomplish. And I thought... I thought I would always feel this way, so-"

"You ended it."

He nodded. "Yes."

Meredith swallowed thickly as pick me, choose me, love me... ran through her head. She was more like her mother than she ever thought. "And then, we went home... and she attempted suicide..." Blood on the kitchen floor. Her mother lying unconsious. The white corded telephone. "My tried to kill herself."

"Yes. I'm sorry Meredith, truly, I am."

"I know..." she whispered before walking through the OR doors. "Just bring me that journal."

xxx

Four Years Ago:

She was still in the pysch ward. It'd been more than the required 72 hour hold. They'd come in, asked her all these questions, checked off all these boxes, and left. And she was still here.

Richard's bellow still haunted her. "You don't get to spend the rest of your husband's life being a quitter! You don't!"

She was restless, but the weight of her pain prevented her from wanting to expend any energy. She just drifted there... not wanting to die, but not really wanting to live either. Maybe she could just stay like this... maybe they would give her some more drugs and she could disappear. Just float, drift.

Richard came back after he yelled at her. He didn't say anything. He just dropped off a couple of black books. Her mother's journals.

Like she wanted to think about her mother now. If her mother was here...

But she wasn't. And George was dead. And Izzie left. And Derek was shot to death. And her baby... she killed her baby. And Zola was in Africa.

She was a virus. An infection. A disease. People died when she got too close. Or they left. What was the point anymore?

She heard the door open but she didn't care. It was probably the Psych doctor, what's his name? She didn't remember because she didn't care. They were probably going to keep her for another two weeks, or maybe a month... she just lay there, staring out the rain-streaked window.

She heard the door click closed, but didn't respond. It was only when she heard that voice that she cringed. It was absolutely the last person she wanted to see.

"Meredith." Carolyn said, "Meredith, dear."

She resolutely remained fixated on the window. She heard a shuffle and a sigh of Carolyn's breathing as she sat down.

"Mark called... he was worried about you, and I happened to be in LA visiting Amelia, so I thought I would drop by."

That's nice. Come and visit your broken post-it widowed daughter-in-law who killed your grandchild. Yeah, good idea. Just come here and remind her of what she took from you because she was stupid. And now she can't even hold herself together. Meredith swallowed thickly and tried not to cry.

"It's not your fault, what happened to you wasn't your fault."

But it was.

"I don't blame you at all..."

But I do, everyday. Everytime I close my eyes... Meredith thought.

"I know what it's like..." Carolyn continued. "To lose someone that you love so deeply. To lose them so traumatically."

Meredith felt a hand on her shoulder and pulled away. She didn't deserve any human touch. She was a killer, she killed things... Derek said so once. Maybe he was right. She couldn't let Carolyn in. She just couldn't. It would just bring more pain.

"Meredith..." Carolyn called. "You can't go on like this. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that even though there is suffering in this world, there is also joy. Fourteen grandchildren will attest to that. Even when there is death, there's life too, and you have to embrace that. You must."

No, it's not true. Meredith Grey? Harbringer of death and loss. "Please... please just go," she finally whispered. She could hardly bear it anymore.

She heard a sigh. But Carolyn didn't move. "What's this?" She asked. Meredith had to turn her head to see what she was doing. Carolyn was looking at one of her mother's journals. "A surgery can fail for any number of reasons, whether from the patient's morbidity, to the surgeon's ineptitude..." she read aloud. When she looked at Meredith over her reading glasses, Meredith looked away. "That's rather morbid," she said. "But true. From what I hear, this hospital is full of excellent surgeons. Excellent doctors. Who fought tooth and nail to keep you alive... more than once." The chair scraped against the floor as Carolyn stood up. Meredith heard a soft 'thud' as she put the book down. "Do you know why?" she asked.

Just go... please just- she couldn't-

"They believe in you. They believe you have something to offer the world. I didn't believe that, not at first. Of course, you were only a rumour then, vague gossip on the tips of my daughter's tongues. But Derek was so passionate about you, so protective. He said you saved him. He was drowning... he was drowning in his own self centered world, but you opened him up, and he learned to live again."

And then he got shot.

"I can only say...that whatever he saw in you must still be there. Otherwise, you wouldn't have made it this far. So stop doing this to yourself. Stop hating yourself. Blaming yourself. You have the ability to save lives. Someone should benefit from it, don't you think?

I raised you to be extraordinary! Not everyone can pick up a scalpel and save a life!

"Please..." Meredith whimpered. "Please, go."

"You told me once that being with Derek made you extraordinary. You still can be.. you always were, you must have been, to have caught Derek's eye to begin with. Ellis was an extraordinary surgeon I hear, and these journals... must be glimpses into that incredible mind."

"Carolyn-" Meredith warbled. Why? Why did she have to say all these things... she didn't want it. Hope. She didn't want any hope.

"I know you don't want to live. But I also know you don't want to die. So... you're just going to lay there? Be a bump on log? Collect dust? I don't accept that. Derek wouldn't accept that. Your friends at the hospital won't accept that. They'll nag you worse than me. They'll push you until you break. And then what? I find your miserable existance at some diner serving coffee, a bitter woman. I much prefer you a little less bitter, holding a scalpel, doing what you were trained to do... save a life."

She heard the flipping of pages... "What's this about islet cells? Sounds interesting. Could make for a good read."

Meredith bit her lip and clutched her bedsheets, she was about to call for a nurse when she felt a thump on the bed. Her mother's journal slid over her knees. "Well, goodbye Meredith," Carolyn said. And that was it, she was gone.

Meredith swallowed and wiped her eyes. For a long time, she just lay there, afraid that she'd come back. But Carolyn had really left. Her fingers found the worn moleskin journal and she picked it up, slowly she turned to the first page and started to read. Islet cells? What the hell was so special about freaking islet cells?

xxx

"This tumor is invading everything. I'm literally peeling it off the spleen." Meredith remarked as she cut through another layer of the tumor. Carefully she lifted it out and handed it to Warren who slipped it onto the scale.

"And it's seven-point-eight pounds."

"Seven-point-eight-pounds of lousy parenting," Alex said. "But she's got a dutch braid, it's like a french one, but harder to do. Only a saint, or her mother would take the time to do something like this."

"Metz," Meredith called.

"She takes the time to do her daughter's, hair, how the hell does she let her develop an eight pound tumor?" Alex asked.

These thoughts... they make you crazy. I was so scared, and after awhile, I convinced myself that it wasn't real, I didn't see the tumor, after awhile, I just saw what I wanted to see...

Meredith blinked. Do you want to hold her?

No, absolutely not. No.

In her minds eye, she saw blood on the kitchen floor. And then she saw her mother, clutching her pregnant belly, amniotic fluid spilling on the floor.

She gasped and shook the memory away.

"Mer?" Alex's voice pulled her from her thoughts.

"Well, you and I know a thing or two about crazy mothers..."

"Yeah..." Alex muttered.

Just then, a loud rapid beeping caught her attention.

"Dammit, it's impinging on the left hepatic vein!" Meredith worked quickly on the girl's insides.

"Laps!" Alex called as the girl's belly began to fill with blood. "More!"

"She's bleeding from her liver. Warren, Suction!" She dug in, feeling... searching with her fingers, her eyes, "Clamp!" But it wouldn't do... it wasn't working.

"Dammit, hang another unit of blood," Alex shouted.

The beeping continued. Meredith focused. There had to be another way... another method. "Balloon tamponade!" she shouted.

"What?"

"Get me a Foley Catheter." There wasn't time to discuss it. A balloon tamponade should work to control the bleed.

"Inflating the balloon," Alex pumped the balloon before handing the catheter to her.

With a quickness that she never realized she possesed, she threaded it through the bleed, another pump, and...

The rapid beeping stopped... sinus rythm. Meredith panted.

"Mer, that was... How'd you do that?"

She stared at the girls insides. Warren looked amazed as he continued to finish suctioning. The whole thing had happened in less then a minute. "I don't know..." she said. But she did know. Because she'd read it, studied it. Forced herself to live and breathe surgery for the last four years. What else did she have?

An hour later, finished her surgery, she made made her way to an on call room. This whole day had been a mess. It was dark when she arrived, and she thought she was alone. She sighed and sat down on the bed, fingering Derek's ferryboat scrubcap. Slowly she released a long exhausted sigh.

"Hello?" someone called from the bunk above her.

"What?" she snarled. Darn. She wanted to be alone.

"Meredith?"

Oh. She knew that voice. "Pierce," she said. Oh... could this day get any harder?

"Oh..." Maggie said. There was rustling, and she climbed down from the top bunk. "I'll just go... I'm sure you want to be left alone."

Well that was nice of her. Meredith rested her palms on her knees, watching Pierce from the corner of her eye. But as she reached for the doorknob, Meredith couldn't stop herself. "Pierce, wait."

Maggie stopped at the door and turned around slowly.

Meredith couldn't look up at her just yet. "I... I remember now, I remember my mother being pregnant."

xxx

A/N: Thanks Everyone! Love you all! Please Review!