A/N: Well here we are! Life has been crazy, so updates will be a little farther between, thanks so much for your patience, my dear fans! Honestly, I'm just amazed at you all for sticking with me here! Thanks to Patsy, mandyg67, DarkAndTwistyGrey and gale123, for your comments, and everyone else for reading and fav-following.

This chap is Mer Centric, but the next chapter will have most of the other couples. I intended to combine them, but it was just... a lot and stuff came out when I was writing that I was like WTF? You'll see.

Enjoy!

Six weeks ago:

Meredith gaped at the woman in the doorway of Zola's room.

"That whole leaping thing. I think now is a good time." Arizona said softly.

"But-" Meredith pointed at Arizona, and then at Zola, who was busy squeezing the glove balloon she'd made for her. "You and Callie-"

Arizona sighed. "Are working on our marriage... adding another kid? I don't think it'll help right now... but you... Meredith, I've seen the way you look at her. And I think it's time... there's something about you and her together that..." she shook her head. "Give it a chance, won't you?"

Meredith looked back at Zola, who was curiously regarding the three people in the was happening here? Arizona wanted her to adopt Zola? But-

Her previous call to family services about Anna had been a little impulsive. On the curtails of grief and loss of Derek and her own child. And now suddenly there was a social worker right in front of her, and there wasn't a list of people wanting to adopt Zola.

But she was dark and twisty. Scary and damaged. She'd already started to resign herself to the fact that she wasn't mother material. She couldn't be a mother. Could she? Her heart burned... her uterus ached.

Goddamn biological clock.

"Meredith," Janet said, stepping forward. "So nice to meet you in person this time. We talked on the phone when you expressed interest in adopting Anna." She held out her hand.

Meredith shook it, nervous butterflies fluttering in her stomach. "Oh... uh, hi. Hi Janet."

"Why don't we step outside to talk for a minute?" She asked.

They found a quiet room, and Meredith's legs felt weak as she plopped down on the chair across from Janet. She wasn't ready. She didn't know what to say. The last four years... she was a wreck. And Janet would find out... about the depression and her love of tequila and her eighty hour weeks, and the frat house she called home, and the fact that there was no father figure in the picture and... her mother had all the nurturing of a steak knife and-

"So Meredith, tell me about how you met Zola the first time. I hear that's a special story."

Her breath caught and she looked down at her fingers. "I um... I watched her being operated on... and there was a minute where her sats dropped, and she went into SVT. But before the doctors administered any drugs, she went back into sinus rythmn all on her own. I knew then that she was a fighter. Her and I, we were fighters."

"Arizona said you were in an accident." Janet commented.

Horrible memories slid to the surface. That scary screech of brakes and the devastating 'crunch' that followed. Waking up broken and empty. Struggling just to make it through one more day... just one more day.

"Meredith?" Janet asked.

She looked up at the older woman and tried to bury those thoughts and memories away. "I was... it took me a long time to recover. But... Zola helped. Seeing Zola." She shrugged and let out a long breath. "I was eight months pregnant when I was in the accident and...she didn't make it, my daughter died."

"I'm sorry." Janet said quietly.

Meredith felt like bolting. She wanted to run. This was a mistake, a terrible mistake. She couldn't do this. It was stupid. Leaping? Yeah right. She was bellyflopping and she was going to miss. But her legs felt so weak right now she couldn't move off the chair. "Janet, I-"

"Tell me more about Zola," she pressed. "You visited her in the hospital?"

Janet's redirection forced her to think about those few days she'd comforted the child. "She cried at night. I think it was because they laid her flat on the bed, and that led to a fluid build up in her brain, even with the shunt... so I just kinda, I would pick her up, you know? To decrease the pressure, and she would stop crying, just like that."

"You picked her up? Even while you were still recovering yourself?"

Meredith shrugged. "I don't know... I didn't really think about it. I just wanted to help. And holding Zola... I guess, I felt a little less empty you know?"

The social worker regarded her carefully, and Meredith felt a little like a bug under a microscope. She wiped the corner of her eye and stared at the picture of bright sunflowers behind Janet. Her palms felt sweaty, and she swore her heart was pounding seventeen hundred times a minute. What was she doing? What the hell was she doing?

"Do you want to be a mother Meredith?" Janet asked.

She met Janet's dark eyes once again, as she carefully considered what to say. If she was going to do this, really do this, she had to follow her own advice that she'd given to Arizona and Callie. Zola would have to be everything, and not just something to make her happy. Because there'd be busy days, and bad days, and her patience would be tested. And Zola had her own problems with her medical condition. She'd have to clean up parts of her life. No more late night tequila binges, no more frat house and strays. No more long hours at work. There'd be school, and she'd probably turn into a dreaded soccer mom with a minivan and some crappy soy half-sweet no-foam beverage. And she'd probably end up gossiping about the non-drama of all the other mom's at soccer practice and-

But that was the point wasn't it? Because she wasn't truly happy right now anyway. She felt it. She was just drifting, an empty shell of herself floating along, and she wanted to be full. The only way she knew to do that, was to give something. Like that brief moment when she picked Zola up for the first time, she gave her relief from the pain. Or when, even after Derek died and she was pregnant, she still felt... full because she would be giving birth. Giving life. Giving love.

"I won't lie... I'm a surgeon. A good surgeon. But I'm ready now... to give something. I want to be a mother. Honestly, I don't know much about it. But I can learn. And I'm a fast learner."

Janet nodded. "You know what I saw today? I saw you trying to make a little girl smile. And from what you've told me... I think you do have the capacity to take on this new challenge. Now, there are things we have to do, paperwork, home checks, classes..."

Meredith tuned it all out as Janet's words echoed in her mind.

'I think you do have the capacity to take on this new challenge.'

xxx

"What?" Meredith growled at her new resident, "What are you staring at?"

Blake averted her eyes, and turned around to face the door of the elevator. "Nothing, sorry Dr. Grey," she said nervously.

Crap. "No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap. I've got a lot going on." Like finding out if she'd be granted custody in a couple days. It was driving her crazy.

In front of her, Blake nodded.

"You saw the scar." Meredith said. "That's what you get when your head smashes into a window at eighty miles an hour." She'd hit the drivers side window. Just Bam!

"I know."

"You should, you're a fourth year resident."

"Yeah..." Blake said, but she wrapped her arms tightly around herself. Nothing Meredith had said seemed to put her at ease.

"I was in an accident four years ago." May as well mention it, just to clear the air. She'd be working closely with Blake and she didn't need any freak-outs. "Okay, what is it? You seem freaked out. We're going to the pit and I can't handle any freakouts today."

"It's nothing, I'll be fine." Penny looked at her and nodded. But she was so pale and shocked still, and that didn't help.

Against her better judgement, Meredith pushed the emergency stop button on the elevator. "How come I don't believe you?" What was she hiding?

"Dr. Grey, I-"

"Out with it, Blake."

"You're my one."

"What?"

"The patient that you never forget. The one that you vow- if you could've done something different- you would. That was you. At Dillard. I was the intern on call. We weren't a trauma center, we couldn't-" She spun around to face the doors.

"You were at Dillard? Meredith asked, her voice a hoarse whisper. She hated that place. She cursed its name frequently. She heard it was going bankrupt. No wonder. But then she was the one who couldn't face her resident.

"Dr. Grey?" Penny asked.

"You were there? I was your patient?"

"My first major trauma. We weren't ready. There'd already been three other victims. I-"

Meredith considered it a miracle she was still standing. Her legs felt like jello. It was a miracle she hadn't throttled Penny Blake. She was just an intern. Just an intern... she kept telling herself as Penny nervously rambled. The world spun around her as she tuned out the red-haired doctor's words.

She honestly didn't remember Dillard. The whole time she'd been there, she'd been under, in a medically induced coma. But, from what she heard... her baby died at Dillard.

"I'm so sorry, Dr. Grey," Penny was saying... "I'm sorry about your daughter. I wish I-"

The walls around the elevator closed in, squeezed, pressed. Meredith pushed the button to start it again as she tried to suck in oxygen. Penny seemed to shrivel under her death glare. When the elevator door opened, she wanted to run out, but she couldn't. Penny stood there, vacillating between the door and the hall. "Get out." Meredith muttered.

"Dr. Grey I-"

"Get out." She said louder,"Get out. Get out, get out!"

The poor woman stood there, trembling in fear. Meredith barely noticed Amelia approaching.

"LEAVE!" she forced out with all her remaining strength. "You're off my service. I don't want to see your face! Just leave!"

As Penny retreated into the long hallway, Amelia took her place, looking very confused and concerned. But all Meredith could see in Amelia was Derek. The way he looked at her when she'd done something wrong. When she'd failed him.

Everything just churned up all over again in her heart. All the pain. The whole mess was bad timing for Amelia.

"Meredith?" she asked softly, approaching her as if to comfort her.

Meredith knew she was jealous. It'd been creeping up on her bit by bit, but she'd started to let it go when she realized she could be Zola's mother. But dammit, Amelia had Derek's job and was dating Owen, and was living in her house, preparing to help take care of her maybe adopted kid. Being more of a sister to Maggie than she was.

Doing all the things Derek was supposed to do.

Stab. Stab, stab, stab.

"Don't-" Meredith stepped back into the corner of the elevator.

"What was that about? She kill somebody?" Amelia asked in her usual sarcastic tone. She was trying to be on her side, but she just said the wrong thing at the wrong time. Amelia stepped onto the elevator.

What was that about cornered rats?

"Don't talk to me." Meredith folded her arms around herself and tried to gather enough strength to exit at the next floor.

"Seriously, Mer, you look like you've seen a ghost."

Yeah about that...

"Are you having a Derek day? I have those too. I get it. I miss him too."

Meredith stared at the wall.

"Oh, so you're ignoring me." She shook her head, and in a perfect Shepherd smile, she said, "You can't ignore me, I'm your sister."

Amelia may as well have carried a spear and stabbed Meredith herself.

"You're not my sister." Meredith muttered.

"What?" Amelia turned around sharply. "Mer, I'm right here. I've been here, all this time, right in front of you... helping you. Supporting you. I've been there. I know what it's like to lose the love of your life and a child. You wanted me here." She paused, her eyes cold and accusing. "I know," she said, pointing to her face, "Is it this? I remind you of him? I have his face, his job... Your best friend's lover?"

Everything she said just seemed to push the spear in deeper. And Meredith knew she should be grateful, that she shouldn't compare but it just... she couldn't stop the deluge inside her. Especially the Penny thing. The Dillard thing. The baby thing.

Amelia wanted to say that they'd been through the same stuff, faced the same pain, that they were together in this...

But it wasn't exactly the same. "You got to see him. You got to see your baby. Got to say goodbye." The words tumbled out with a cracking breaking voice. "It's not the same. You think we're the same but we're not. Stop trying... to be like me. Stop trying to help me or share your pain or whatever... You are not my sister. You are Derek's sister, and Derek is Dead." Her words were cold and callous and hurtful, she knew it but she couldn't stop it. "Get your own life."

Magically, the elevator door opened, and Meredith pushed past Amelia, leaving her shocked and alone in the elevator.

A/N: I know... I know... Please trust that I'll get you there. I do write happy stuff. It's just not this chapter.