A/N: I'm here! Don't worry! I hate moving! Takes away from my creative writing time ;)
Anyway, thanks all who checked in, followed, and faved this fic and any others.
Ready for some more drama?
Enjoy!
"Did you see her? Did you see my baby?" Meredith panted, out of breath from her mad dash after Penny. She didn't know what happened, but something compelled her to chase after the resident after avoiding her in the elevator.
"Dr. Grey-" Penny looked up nervously.
"I was in a coma for a long time, I just-" She'd missed the burial... she never got to hold her child, she'd never even been able to bring herself to see the chart. Waking up empty and broken, her own guilt and pain kept her from wanting to know any more about her baby. Until now. Tears pricked the corners of her eyes. "Did you see her?"
Penny looked down and seemed to gather herself, her knuckles white from clutching the tablet tight across her chest. "Y-yes... I... um, I saw her."
Meredith's heart pounded and her body flushed. Woozy, she leaned against the rail and slowly let herself sit on the stairs. "You did?" her voice was soft, brittle, broken. Quite different from the harsh Get out! Get out! Get out! she'd screamed at Penny earlier.
"Yes," Penny confirmed, meeting Meredith's watery gaze. She stepped closer, seeing the questions in her attending's eyes. The young woman knelt down on the stairs, looking up at her. She swallowed. "I handed her off to pediatrics after she was delivered..."
Meredith nodded, encouraging her to continue.
"She was... she was beautiful, Dr. Grey." Penny fidgeted with the tablet.
"Meredith," Dr. Grey was too impersonal for this conversation.
"Meredith." Penny nodded. "Your daughter... she was five pounds, three ounces, a little small, but not unusual," she sniffed. "Um... fifteen inches long."
Again, Meredith tearfully nodded, imagining her baby in her arms. Lifting her gaze upward and away from Penny, she could almost see her daughter, feel her tiny weight in her arms, smell her sweet baby smell.
"When she cried-"
"She cried?" Meredith sat up. Nobody had told her that. It made sense now, the cry in her nightmares that always woke her up. Had she heard it while she lay unconscious? Fighting for her life in an outdated hospital? Had she heard it and her subconsious kept it alive for her in her dreams?
"Yeah..." Penny's hand reached up and rested on the same step Meredith was sitting on. "Her cry... I'll never forget it. It was... fierce. Like she wanted to fight."
"Fierce," Meredith whispered, the cry once again echoing in her thoughts. Derek's voice, clear as yesterday, "You're not finished," he told her in her dreams. She swallowed thickly, vaugely aware of the red-hot tears that were streaming down her face.
She stifled a sob. That cry haunted her. Only reminding her of her detrimental loss. But now hearing from Penny that her daughter did indeed cry... it meant something different. For a little while, her daughter had breathed. She had exited her womb alive and kicking.
Which broke her heart even more.
"She had dark curly hair..." Penny continued, forcing Meredith out of her heartbreak. "I didn't get her APGAR. You were..." The red haired surgeon shook her head, "I handed her off to peds and then I was pulled back to your case to get you stabilised for surgery."
Surgery. Right. Her injuries had been severe. She was lucky to even survive the ambulance ride. Owen told her as much. And if anyone knew her chances, it would be Owen.
"When you got out of surgery... I was finishing... I was stitching up your head lac when Dr. Ramsay informed... your mother-in-law about your baby... and-" Penny choked up then, her lips turning downward in a tight frown, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry... I- It's just so... wrong and unfair. She was breathing. She was pink and healthy... I-" Penny wiped her cheeks. "She should have lived... your baby... She should have lived."
Meredith ran her palms along her thighs, trying to compose herself. The onslaught of emotions and memories and thoughts was almost too much. But she couldn't move from her spot on the stairs. Closing her eyes she breathed deeply in and out, in and out, carefully tucking each thought and emotion away to deal with later, in the privacy of her own home, buried under the covers in her bed.
"Dr- I mean, Meredith?" she felt Penny's hand lightly touch her knee.
She exhaled loudly and opened her eyes. Penny's pained and guilty expression looked back at her as she slipped her hand away, but Meredith caught it, "Thank you," she said. She couldn't blame the young doctor. And frankly... while it was still painful... it felt... good to know what happened, and that someone she knew was there with her baby, if only for a moment.
For her part, Penny squeezed her hand but said nothing.
"I was going to name her Grace," Meredith said. "I hadn't told anyone yet, I was still debating in my head... Her grave, it just says Baby Grey-Shepherd, because no one could come up with a name in time for..." She sighed. Her body ached. She wanted to go home. Crap. She had to get home... Janet was doing a home check.
Meredith shot up, catching the handrail for support, and nearly knocking Penny over. "I have to go," she said.
But Penny grabbed her forearm. "Grace. It's a beautiful name, and no matter what her gravestone says, she is still your Grace."
"Yeah." Meredith had to go. There was another little being that needed her, and she needed to pass this home check. She pushed past Penny and scampered down the stairs, feeling lighter than she ever felt in a very long time.
xxx
Lexie scrabbled for balance on the crowded subway while checking her emails on her phone. Mark wanted to drive her to work today, but the subway was actually faster, and honestly, she felt that if he drove her to work, he'd probably want to do more than just drive her to work and she'd probably let him.
She snorted to herself and shook her head. Ever since her confession that night, Mark seemed to be walking on cloud nine. This morning, she found him googling baby names. "Not yet!" she had laughed, smacking him on the arm.
Speaking of baby names... She smiled when she saw pictures of Meredith and Zola. They'd been texting back and forth randomly, and Meredith sent her a selfie with a curious Zola and the Anatomy Jane doll. Lexie was happy for Meredith. The smile on her sister's face in the picture was one she hadn't seen in years.
Even on the crowded subway, covered in commuters, Life was looking up.
The train took a sharp turn, and she swayed again, gripping the bar tighter, still engrossed in her old work emails. Wait, what was this? A fellow Neuro Attending had emailed her scans... of a tumor... A massive tumor. "Holy crap," she muttered, shifting position so she could free her hand to zoom in. "Holy..."
It was inoperable. She was sure... but... she looked at it again... zoomed in, zoomed out, rotated it. Maybe...
But what did it matter? She was in DC. The tumor was in... Lexie glanced at the email.,the patient was a fellow doctor, from Seattle. And this was sent to her weeks ago. She sighed. She would love to attack this tumor... but she had brain mapping to do. Reluctantly she forwarded the email to Dr. Shepherd, the new Chief of Neuro, with a subject heading, 'Inoperable? Only if you're unimaginative..'
The screech of the brakes got her attention, and Lexie looked up, realizing she was at her stop. Sighing, she hefted her bag on her shoulder and pushed through the white and black suited people on the train.
She should have let Mark drive her. Washington was so dull.
xxx
Arizona picked up the chart and entered the patient's room confidently. "Hello, I'm Dr. Robbins, I'm here to do an ultrasound to see how everything's going along with the baby, okay?" she smiled and picked up the wand and jelly.
"Where's Dr. Herman?" The husband asked. Corey, his name was.
"Um, well," Arizona hadn't heard from Herman except a text message saying surgeries were cancelled and she was supposed to round on her service. She cleared her throat. "She had an appointment..." she lied, "With a patient..."
"But that's the whole point," Corey said. "She's supposed to be here, do the surgery to make sure we can carry the baby to term." He looked at his wife worriedly.
"Well, that's the plan, that's still the plan." Arizona tried to reasure her patient. Herman was the big gun. Right now, she was the little gun. But as she stared at the ultrasound, her stomach dropped.
"What? What is it?" Emily, the patient asked. "Why isn't she moving?"
Arizona glanced at Graham and swallowed. "From what I can see, the baby is bleeding into the tumor itself, which is causing her to become anemic."
"Oh God," Emily cried. "I want to call my mom."
"Emily," Corey squeezed his wife's hand. "Dr. Herman's going to do something about this right?"
Arizona nodded, "Yes, of course," she said. "Most likely, we'll perform an interuterine transfusion, I will apprise Doctor Herman, and we will be back to tell you how we'll be moving forward. Sit tight." With efficient movement, she wiped the jelly off Emily's abdomen and the wand, placing it back with the machine and gently covering her up before patting her hand and leaving her bedside.
"What are we gonna do?" Graham whispered as they left the room.
"The only thing we can, keep calling Herman and pray she picks up, or this baby's going to die." She said as she pulled her phone from her pocket.
As she checked it, she noticed several texts from Callie... Crap. She forgot, they'd made plans to get together last night... but she'd been so consumed by Herman and this fellowship that she'd forgotten.
She shook her head. She'd catch up with her later. Callie would understand. She wanted this for her right? This was just a bump in the road?
Right now she had to call Herman.
xxx
Amelia giggled, the world was a wonderful spinning blur. The house was empty for once. Then she saw the empty vodka bottle on the kitchen table and sudden anger struck her. She picked up the bottle and threw it against the wall in the living room, smashing it and a picture in the process. "I should just... knock that wall down," she slurred, staring at it. "More space, y'know. More space for me'n Merrri-deth." Swaying slightly, she picked up the picture. Of course it had to be a picture of HIM. Derek. "Hey you," she said, touching his happy smiling face. His teeth were too white. His hair too perfect. "You... Why'd you go? Why'd you leave me? You're my brother... 'sposed to protect me, instead... you..." she shook her head. She shouldn't be angry at him. It wasn't his fault he got shot.
But she was. Because there was so much unfinished with them. They'd never talked or reconciled. He saved her life, but he still hated her, resented her and her choices. And now she couldn't get him back.
Instead, she came here and took his place.
Why? Why did she do that?
Amelia laughed bitterly. She did indeed have his face, his job... Her anger swung from Derek to Meredith. "Who d'you think you are, bitch?" She threw the picture against the opposite wall. It smashed into pieces before sliding down behind the couch. "You're dead inside. You're nothing but an empty hollow shell!" Amelia bent over and flipped the coffee table over, the contents that rested on top falling on the floor. "Derek would be disgusted..." she sneered.
Under her foot was a coloring. She picked it up. One of Zola's she presumed. A girl on a swing. "Think a kid will fix you? Think you can be a mother? You can't even get over Derek... how do you expect..." she drifted off, suddenly overcome with emotion. Her son... her baby.
Angrily she ripped the picture into tiny little fluttering pieces. Meredith didn't feel anything. She just buried it. Like she buried Derek. Like she buried her baby.
She didn't understand how she did it. And she hated her for it. Because Amelia wasn't like Meredith. She felt things... deeply. And right now... she wanted it to stop. It just had to stop. The feelings... of anger and bitterness and loss and self hatred...
Amelia swayed again. She had to sit down. Plopping on the couch, her hand slipped into her jacket pocket to the baggie of crushed oxy. She pulled it out and stared at it longingly.
The pain. She just wanted it to stop.
"Amelia."
Owen's voice crushed her.
She discreetly tucked the baggie under her thigh. "Wh-what're you doing here?"
"I came to see if you're okay." He said, but she avoided his gaze. He wasn't supposed to be here. He wasn't supposed to care about her.
No one was supposed to care for her.
Why did he care about her?
"Why?" she asked.
"Because... I-um, I care. About you."
When she looked up at him, she saw he meant it and it scared her. "But..." she shook her head, "Why?"
"Because..." Owen stepped closer. He slipped beside her on the couch and wrapped an arm around her. And when he looked at her this time, his blue eyes were intense and full of meaning. "I... I think I'm falling in love with you."
"No," Amelia shook her head in denial and inched away from him. Nobody could love her. "I'm drunk. I'm a drunk. You can't love a drunk," she snorted.
"I..." He chuckled, and then turned serious. "Amelia, you're drunk because you feel things... You feel, so deeply and... it hurts, so you run. And hide... behind a desk, behind a job, surgery... behind a bottle." His thumb caressed her cheek, and he shook his head before looking out the window behind her. "I know... because I do that too. I feel so deeply- that I- I don't talk about it... I don't want to remember..." he trailed off, but Amelia was entranced by him already. His scent, his warmth. "But we're supposed to feel." Owen looked back at her. "We're supposed to... love and hate and grieve- and break," he sounded so sure... His hand rested on her knee. "It's normal. It's human," he continued.
"Owen..." Amelia shook her head, pushing back thoughts of Derek, thoughts of her baby, thoughts of her father. "I can't- It hurts too much. I'll break."
"It's okay. We're supposed to. It's human. We break... we get destroyed, and then we build ourselves again. That means we're alive."
"Derek is Dead." Amelia croaked. "My baby is Dead, and I-" Her heart wrenched, twisted, contracted with pain and then the grief poured out. "Oh God!" she exclaimed as the feelings overtook her.
"Come here," Owen pulled her up and she felt his stubble on her forehead.
"Where are we going?" she sniffed as she leaned against him, trying to put one foot in front of the other.
"Home." He said.
"I thought you were leaving..." she mumbled.
"Not yet." He kissed her temple.
Amelia sighed, happy he was here. At least for now. "I made a mess," she giggled.
"It's alright. I'll text Meredith."
"Kay." she slipped her hand in her pocket. Wasn't she forgetting something? But the door was opening and Owen was leading her to his truck and everything just felt so... right. So she followed him into the night.
xxx
"- If you don't call me back in thirty minutes, I'm taking the baby out!" Arizona screamed into her phone. Herman had been AWOL, and now she had this huge decision to make. It wasn't fair. She never should have been put in this position.
On top of that, Callie wasn't returning her texts. "Argh!" she paced the on-call room. Suddenly the door opened. Penny. She looked flushed and upset. "Are you okay? Did you talk to the Chief?" Arizona asked.
"Oh..." Penny looked startled. "I'm... I'm okay. It's okay." She nodded and leaned against the door for a moment.
"Good, that's good." Arizona didn't have the energy right now to comfort the resident. She huffed. God she was a mess. Her hair all over the place, her scrubs wrinkled... she had to go to the attending's lounge and freshen up, and then find Alex and make sure he was ready for this surgery. Without really thinking, she rushed to the door, reaching past the resident. when it opened from the other side, bumping Penny into her arms.
"Oh," she said, catching her. And then she looked up and saw Callie's pained expression.
"Really?" Callie said, "I've been trying to reach you all day... and-" She gestured to the resident. "Seriously? Again?"
"No!" Arizona screamed out. "Callie!" But it was too late. Callie stormed off just as her pager beeped. Crap. This was turning out to be a fine mess.
xxx
Meredith wasn't one for make-up, but her crying fest earlier made her look awful, so she dabbed a little concealer under her eyes and a little on her cheeks, just so she wouldn't look like a mess when she met Janet.
Janet was already there, waiting for her on the porch.
Meredith forced a couple of breaths out before she exited. She could do this. The house was clean and appropriately child-proofed. All her paperwork was in order... there was nothing to worry about. In a couple of days, she could possibly have Zola living with her, and she'd be damned if she screwed this up.
"Hi Janet," she beamed, striding with as much confidence as she could muster to greet the socialworker.
"Meredith," Janet smiled at her warmly. "Are you ready?"
She nodded, "As ready as I'll ever be."
"Zola loves the doll you brought her by the way..."
"Really?" Meredith's heart swelled. Maybe... Maybe Zola would let her be her mom.
"Yes, I can't get her to put it down."
Meredith jabbed her key in the door and twisted. Oh. The door was already unlocked. Was Amelia here? She hoped not. She hoped she was at a meeting, or with Owen or something, because she definitely couldn't handle her being here right now.
Ignoring her anxiety, she led Janet in. "I uh, bought a bed for her last week... and put a few things-" she stopped as she stared at the living room. The coffee table was tipped over. Papers and glass littered the floor. There was a dent in the wall.
"Meredith, what happened?" Janet asked, concerned as she stepped in.
"I... I don't know," Meredith stuttered, her heart falling. "Amelia!" She called out, wondering if something happened to her... if she was okay. Crap. She shouldn't have said that stuff- she shouldn't have. "Excuse me.." she said to Janet as she pointed to the stairs. "My... Amelia and I had a fight earlier... and-" she couldn't finish the sentence, dashing up the the stairs. If she was here, she could explain... "Amelia?" but her room was empty. So was the bathroom. The house was empty. She pulled her phone out of her pocket, intending to call her, relieved when she saw three text messages from Owen.
But that relief was short lived as she read them.
Amelia was at your house drunk.
She was angry and sad... Made a mess.
She's okay for now. I'm with her. We'll talk later.
Crap. She knew it. It was too good to be true. She swallowed. Maybe she could still salvage this. She had a perfect record. She deserved a second chance. If she was just honest with Janet...
"Meredith?" Janet called. "Could you come down here please?" Meredith swallowed. That didn't sound good. Janet met her at the bottom of the stairs. "Come with me," she said, leading her back to the living room. Meredith stepped in cautiously, avoiding the glass. It smelled faintly of alcohol.
"Janet, I- um just got a message, and I can explain everything-" she started to say when Janet turned around and pointed to the couch. Meredith's gaze followed her finger to the clear plastic bag full of powder that just sat there.
"Can you explain this?" Janet asked seriously.
"I-" Meredith stared at the bag, and back at Janet. What happened? What was that doing on her couch? "I-" Although she managed to stay standing- a big hole was opening up under her, threatening to swallow her whole. And she wasn't sure she would survive this time.
"Meredith?"
A/N: I'm going to go hide now... Just remember I do happy endings okay? I really really do!