A/N: Well, it's been awhile, but I'm here… I haven't forgotten. Thanks so much you guys, I know you're hooked. So am I!
Enjoy!
Two weeks later:
Carolyn made it her mission to get up early every day since Meredith had returned home from the trailer. She got up, made coffee, toast, and sliced fruit. A good day always started with a good breakfast. And since Meredith returned from the trailer, she'd rarely spoken to anyone. She got up earlier than Maggie even, for pre-rounds, and came home late, never hanging around, just straight to shower and sleep.
Carolyn knew she was overstaying her welcome, but she needed to talk to Meredith, convince her, that she could continue… that she should keep trying. The busy surgeon had gotten wise to this, and was now staying overnight at the hospital. But Maggie had texted Carolyn last night, saying that Meredith had been complaining about the lumpy beds and would be home.
Carolyn decided to give it one last shot before things between them were erroneously ruined. She found Meredith's car keys in the dish by the door and took them with her into the kitchen. She waited, sipping a mug of black coffee while she perused the newspaper.
Right on time, she heard the familiar noises from upstairs, signaling Meredith was up. She breathed a calming breath. This would not be easy. Meredith's footfalls on the stairs caused her to put her mug down and look up expectantly. Was it her imagination or were they slower than the usual light jog Meredith took?
She heard Meredith open the door before cursing about her missing keys. Sounds of movement came from the living room as she searched, suddenly the kitchen door opened and Meredith appeared. Her hair was tied back, bangs framing her face, deep wells under her eyes. "Where's my keys?" she asked abruptly, a tinge of accusation in her voice.
Carolyn looked up over her mug, "Good morning, dear," she greeted neutrally. A mother of four daughters, she knew how to do this. "We need to talk."
"You have my keys, give them to me." Meredith demanded, holding a hand out while crossing the other over her stomach.
Carolyn set her mug down, "not until we talk."
"There's nothing to say," the younger woman stated. "Give me my keys, and start packing your bags, you've well overstayed your welcome and you know it."
"Dear-,"
"Forget it, I'll just call a cab." Meredith pulled her phone out of her purse and tapped on the screen.
Carolyn knew deep inside her that Meredith was just covering up intense hurt, and her window for affecting change was closing quickly. She snatched at Meredith's phone.
"Don't-," Meredith exclaimed as she spun away, but she bumped the table, and the phone clattered on the floor. "Dammit!" Meredith slowly bent to pick it up, but Carolyn managed to get to it first. As she straightened, Meredith hissed softly in pain and rubbed her hip.
"Dear…" Carolyn trailed off.
"It's nothing!" Meredith managed, looking away from her as she leaned against the table.
Carolyn eyed her with disbelief and waited, clutching the phone and keys, hoping Meredith would give her a clue, open up… do something.
Meredith didn't. But she didn't move away either.
"I'm worried about you," Carolyn said finally.
"You shouldn't. I'm fine."
"You're barely sleeping. I haven't seen you eat in three days. You don't hang out with your sisters or your friends. You haven't even visited Mark. I don't think you've had a single day off since… I'm worried. And for very good reason. You won't even look at me."
Meredith's fingers tapped the back of the chair. She bit her lip. Her gaze shifted to the keys and phone in Carolyn's hands. She released a short breath, "because I can't," she whispered.
"Meredith…" Carolyn chastised softly.
"No," Meredith shook her head. "I-I can't look at you, okay? Because he was perfect. He was perfect for me, and he loved me and- I couldn't… I couldn't stop Clark. And… the airport, I should've… driven better. Slower… or-," she sniffed, and wiped the corner of her eye. "I feel like it's my fault."
Carolyn reached for the woman, "It's not-," she started to say, but Meredith backed away from her touch.
"I know-," she spat, stepping away from the chair. "In my head, I know it's not my fault, but… and I see you and… I just can't stop thinking… I…" Her pained grey gaze met Carolyn's, Meredith's brokenness shone through the clear glaze of her unshed tears. "So, I can't. Look at you." She swiped clumsily at the tears on her face. "Can I have my keys?" she asked.
Carolyn nodded with understanding. They were getting somewhere, but they weren't quite there yet. She fiddled with the keys in her hand, debating… "I know," she said. "Derek was the same way… when his father died." She looked up at Meredith. "He saw it happen… at the store with Amelia."
Meredith's gaze flicked to Carolyn, her expression stricken.
"He blamed himself too," Carolyn continued, unable to stop the quick, uncertain grimace that flashed briefly over her features. "He was just a boy…" she trailed off, jingling the keys. "Violence. It doesn't make sense. Nothing makes sense when you lose…" she choked, thinking of her late husband, her dead son, her lost grandchild. "It wasn't his fault. It's not yours, either."
"But-,"
"Eventually," Carolyn continued, looking down at her fingers, "Eventually, it went away… the guilt, and he became Derek again… a different Derek, I suppose… but… he could smile, be happy. Be himself." She thumbed the screensaver on Meredith's phone, the black screen fading away to the wallpaper. Meredith and Zola. She'd never seen her look so happy. "I just…" the sigh that escaped her was worn and heavy. "I wish that for you, Meredith. I don't blame you. I never have… I never could. I'm amazed you're still here, frankly."
Meredith scoffed bitterly and shook her head, causing Carolyn to raise a brow in askance.
"I talked to Derek, you know, at the trailer." Meredith whispered.
Carolyn waited with bated breath.
"He said I should just have a little faith… and I tried, you know, for a few days, I did. I held my head up, I pasted a smile on my face. I called and emailed the social worker. I tried to pretend that this was nothing. Just a little bump. A complication. But… When I didn't get any response… I just… I couldn't do it anymore. Derek, he'd want me to be strong, to push through this. He'd be all optimistic about it, but I-,"
"Meredith-,"
"What was I thinking? I thought I could, everybody thought I should do it, and I… It-," her lips twitched into a frown, and she swallowed. "Losing Derek was hard, but I got through it. My baby got me through. Losing Grace? I thought I would die. Medicine, surgery… my dead mother's legacy… that got me through. Losing Zola…" Her voice cracked, "I was so stupid. It was stupid, to let myself… to think that I could open up again to…that." She whispered. "So," she wiped her face again, "This is it. If I don't get Zola, then… I don't want another baby. She was it for me."
"Dear," Carolyn reached for her daughter-in-law, but Meredith pulled away, wrapping her arms around herself.
"I'm a doctor. I know how to take care of myself," Meredith said. "I eat, okay? Usually a bagel from the coffee cart, and I have lunch with Maggie and Alex," she rolled her eyes, "God, they won't leave me alone. And I sleep. Not much, but enough that I don't feel tired before surgery. And I saw Mark… well I went over there to see him yesterday, but he was asleep and Lexie had some kind of flu or something and spent half the time in the bathroom. I tried to have a day off… I went to the trailer, but Amelia was there and I decided to go back to work before I punched her in the face," she huffed. "The only thing I'm good at is saving lives. So that's what I'm doing. Can I have my keys now?" she asked, wiping an eye.
xxx
"Ouch. Ow, ow…"
Mark's exclamations woke her, and Lexie leapt up from the couch. The world spun around for a second, and she stilled and swallowed thickly holding her stomach. Lately she'd been feeling off. Yesterday she must have had some bad pizza or something. Despite that she felt much better once the puking was out of the way. "Mark," she called… "What are you doing? You're supposed to be on bed rest!"
"I'm getting the door…" He said, passing the couch, shirtless, as usual.
Lexie swore some days he preferred it. Even with the bandage on his chest, his arm in a sling, and his leg in a cast… his body was still toned, and he was smoking hot. How was he still with her? She didn't know. But she felt so lucky, no… blessed.
Wait. Someone was at the door? How come she hadn't heard it? "You're not supposed to be up!" Lexie scrambled to stop him.
Mark huffed and rubbed his bearded chin, "I've been lying around all week, Lexie. I feel like a gerbil stuck in the body of a sloth. Let me open the dammed door."
Lexie sighed, it had been a crazy couple of weeks. After Mark's accident, she'd been forced to quit the NIH, as her contract didn't allow for personal time off. As soon as he was stable, she'd had him flown back to Seattle, where their family was. She didn't miss the NIH at all, by the way. But here, outside of their little romantic bubble they'd created in Washington, was a little harder to get Mark to herself.
Hence the door.
"Amelia," Mark growled.
"Mark… hi…" Amelia's nervous voice cut through the doorway.
Lexie's brows narrowed with hate. The bitch… how dare she? Her sister was finally starting to heal… finally dropping her walls, and Amelia… oooh, she just wanted to-
"You got a lotta nerve," Mark said, saying her feelings exactly.
"I… um… is Lexie here? It's about work."
"No, she's not." Mark said, leaning against the door to shield her from view. Lexie hung back, not wanting to be seen.
"Okay… can you tell her-,"
"No."
"Okay. It's fine… I'll just… go…"
Lexie released a breath she didn't know she was holding. Thank God. Mark shuffled back to close the door, but then was pushed back. "Ow!"
"Mark. Mark, please can you tell Meredith-,"
"-I'm not telling her-,"
"-It's-,"
Amelia's attempt to barge in the door stirred Lexie to action and she pushed Mark aside.
"Ow!" he exclaimed again, his shoulder banging against the door.
Oops. But she turned her attention to the startled brunette. "Listen!" she snapped. "You really screwed up. You hurt her. After everything she's been through, after all the work she's put in to finally heal and be happy… you ruined it! You may as well have stabbed Mere in the heart for all the pain you caused. She was nice to you, she let you stay at her house… and you just… you- I- Urgh!" Lexie practically screamed as she lunged forward.
Amelia quickly dodged her attack. Stepping back, she waved her hands in surrender. "Whoa, okay… okay. I get it." Hurt flashed across her features. "I know… I know I screwed up. I'm messed up. But I…"
"What?" Lexie growled.
Amelia shook her head. "You know… I… I'm gonna go. Mark, I'm glad you're okay."
"Amy…" His tone softened, his blue eyes crinkled in concern.
"It's fine. I just… you're okay. You're good. Good…" she backed away and turned down the hall.
Lexie resisted the urge to get the last word in at her, but she did glare at her retreating backside before Mark pulled her inside. "Lex," he said. "C'mon."
xxx
Amelia swiped the hated tears from her face as she stalked down the hallway. As always, following her feelings led to being misunderstood. First of all, she wanted to check on Mark. It'd been traumatising enough, hearing that he'd been in an accident. Especially after Owen left. Mark was… the closest thing she had left to a friend right now. But he was close to Meredith and Lexie… and of course, after what she'd done…
Dammit.
Dammit! Amelia's fist hit the wall hard enough to vibrate her bones. She huffed and sniffed, pushing the door to the stairway. Soon she'd be gone. She'd already packed her stuff, it was just a matter of booking the ticket. She didn't even know where she'd go…
Just away.
Lost in thought, she galloped down the stairs, not paying attention. When she hit the landing, a shadow crossed over her and she looked up. "Mom!" she gasped. Triple dammit.
"Amelia," Her mother said, surprised.
"I um- was just checking on Mark."
"How is he?"
"Good, he's… great."
"Good." Carolyn nodded.
Amelia tried to sidestep past her, but was blocked.
"And, how are you?" her mother asked.
She didn't know what to say. If she said she was okay, her mother would probably heap more guilt on her about Meredith. If she said she felt awful and horrible and sick about the whole thing, her mother would probably tell her to get over it. It was a no win situation. She ran her teeth nervously over her bottom lip. "I'm… I'm leaving." She brought her shoulders up in a pathetic shrug and tried to move around her.
"Where will you go?" Her mother blocked her again.
"Doesn't matter," she brushed past her, stepping down the stairs, but Carolyn grabbed Amelia's arm.
"Stop this!"
"Stop what?"
"You know exactly what! Running! It seems to be a Shepherd trait."
"And do what then?" Amelia growled. "Nobody wants me here."
"That's not true."
"You don't know that," Amelia pulled her arm out of her mother's grip. "No one wants me here, except maybe Owen… and he left me for his sister. No one wants me, not even you."
"I never said-,"
"You didn't come halfway across the country to see me!" she accused. You came to see Meredith! What does that say about us huh?"
"Amelia, I didn't even know-,"
"-You didn't even try to find me, or talk to me. Everything is about Meredith, and what I did to her. I know I screwed up… I know I did. But I- God…," she shook her head. "How am I? I've been sober for two weeks. And… I'm trying. I'm following the program. Nobody talks to me. Nobody looks at me, or gives me the time of day. I want to say I'm sorry, but I can't even do that, they just slam the door in my face. So yeah, running seems like a real good option," she started again down the stairs.
"Amelia!" Her mother called, "Amelia, I'm sorry."
Stopping at the bottom of the stairs, she shot a dark look up her mother. "For what?"
"I've neglected you. I guess I convinced myself that no news was good news, and yet I came running to Meredith when I was worried about her."
Double standard much? Amelia thought, "Yeah," she agreed.
Her mother stepped down the stairs to meet her. "Derek was always so protective of you. I never worried about you, until he went to med school."
"Until I stole his car and smashed it to pieces. Until I overdosed," Amelia added.
"But you got through it. You went to med school, you followed in Derek's footsteps… and I… just…" she swallowed. "When I thought about you, I thought about your father. And after Derek died, after he was shot… I felt your pain so intensely, Amelia… I couldn't bear it. I closed myself off. I see that now."
"I needed you." She shook her head, feeling the ache in her heart that never really went away. "I had a baby… and he died, and I couldn't tell you." Her lips twitched in a frown that she fought off. Few people knew about that. No one in her immediate family.
"What? You… what? When was this?" Carolyn's face paled.
"After… After Meredith… her accident."
Her mother's expression broke, she covered her mouth with one hand, and reached for Amelia's. "Amy…" she choked.
Her mother's hand squeezed hers so hard, she thought it would break. Carolyn pulled Amelia in close, and she couldn't help but bury her head into her shoulder. "Why didn't you tell me? You should have told me, dear. I would've helped."
"I…I…" she sniveled.
"Shhh."
"I'm so messed up, mom. I feel like… a fake. A fraud. Like I'm taking Derek's place. I'm not supposed to be here. This isn't for me."
"Shh-,"
"Mom-,"
"Shh-, listen, listen," Carolyn pulled her down to sit on the steps. "You were so little and innocent. Your brother… he held you so tight. When I arrived at the store, when your father… was taken from us, Derek wouldn't let you go."
"I remember… dad, I tried to get to him, but I couldn't move."
"He was holding you back. Protecting you. I heard him tell the police."
"He was…"
"He protected you. He always did. Even against your sisters."
"Until I messed up."
"Derek's moral compass was always quite sensitive. I think he felt betrayed. That he did so much for you and…"
"Yeah," Amelia swallowed. "Okay, I get it."
But her mother grabbed her shoulder. "You're not little and innocent anymore. You're loud and fearless. You've been through more pain and loss than most on this earth, and you're still here. You work in a hospital full of drugs, yet you are learning to overcome. You are stronger than you know. And you're not a fraud."
Amelia wiped her eyes, shaking her head in disbelief.
"There is one person who does want you here."
"Who?" Maggie? Webber? Those were the only people she could think of.
"Derek."
"What?" No, Derek hated her. He…
"If he had the chance, he would've forgiven you. Eventually. You've always followed him around, this isn't new. You're not a fraud. You're continuing his legacy. You are both gifted, in different ways, but…" Her mother looked down at her nails. "It's not fake. Saving lives. Clipping aneurysms, removing tumors… that's your gift. That's what you worked your entire life for. Don't run from that. They need you here."
Amelia shrugged. She didn't feel it. "I don't know."
Her mother's smile was small and heartbroken. "You're angry," she said. "At the men who shot your father. At Gary Clark. At Derek. At me. Because you were left alone. All the people who were supposed to be there for you, weren't. It's okay to feel that. You must. But don't run. Rise above. Make it work."
"Meredith hates me. She cared about me, and I-,"
"-She's hurt. Deeply. It will take a lot to mend this. But, you must try."
"I don't know how. She won't even let me apologise."
"I think…" Carolyn sighed. "I think… in this case, actions speak louder than words."
"What do I do then?"
Her mother looked at her tearfully. "I don't really know. But please… don't leave."
Amelia wiped her eyes. Her mother said she was strong. But she didn't believe it.
A week ago:
She had the radio on, and was humming along to a familiar song as she cleaned the trailer. It was the only way she could keep her mind off of scoring some drugs, or buying a bottle of vodka. Owen had offered her his place while he was gone, but it was too close to downtown. Too close to temptation. She'd managed two nights before she booked it out of there, once she heard that Meredith had gone home.
But she felt good now, really good… still a little messed up and sorry about the whole thing, but…
A noise startled her, and she looked up from the sink to see Meredith in the doorway. Crap.
"Meredith!" She exclaimed, pulling off her rubber gloves.
"How'd you-," Meredith started. Then she shook her head and turned around, marching back to her Lexus. "Nevermind."
"Meredith! Wait!" Amelia dashed after her.
As she opened the car door, Meredith turned to face her, revealing red rimmed eyes and tear streaked cheeks.
"I'm sorry!" blurted Amelia.
But icy grey eyes pierced her heart. "It's not enough," she said coldly as she got in and slammed the door.
Amelia returned to her office with a file box. She'd typed up her letter of resignation last night. Despite her mother's pep talk, she couldn't stay. Lexie was more than capable of taking over as Chief of Neuro. Amelia just had to pack up a few personal items, clear out her email, and forward her patients to her attendings.
Then she'd be gone.
She sat down at her computer and opened her email. Starting at the bottom of her inbox, she worked her way up. Click, click, click… Wait…
What was this? Inoperable? the subject heading read, only if you lack imagination.
Curious, she clicked on the attachments. Dr. Nicole Herman, it said. "Holy… mother of…" Amelia exclaimed as she examined the MRI scans. Wow. That was some tumor. But it was inoperable. She could tell- by the… wait… wait… Amelia's mind revved up with possibilities. She shook her head. No, she couldn't do this. She was leaving. She was so out of here.
"Hey," A cheerful voice called from the doorway. Amelia looked up.
"Dr. Robbins," she rasped.
Her co-worker rolled her eyes, "Oh, please, it's Arizona." She said, stepping in, her arms wrapped around a folder.
"Oh." Amelia said, looking back at the computer. "Can… I help you with something?"
"Oh, um… I was just… I have some questions about a patient who… has a brain tumor."
"Oh, which patient? I'll pull up her chart." Amelia clicked on the patient directory.
"Well actually, she's not really one of our patients…"
Amelia leaned back in her seat, "Okay…" she crossed her arms, curious. "What do want to know?"
"Well, what are the symptoms, if it gets really bad?" Arizona stepped up to the desk, her expression serious, "she's refusing surgery. She says it's inoperable."
"Symptoms could be anything, what type of tumor is it?"
"Well, um, I don't know." Arizona fidgeted.
"You don't know?" Amelia asked. Now she was beyond curious. Now she was suspicious. What kind of game was she playing?
"Well… she hasn't told me." Arizona continued.
"Dr. Robbins, I can't tell you anything unless I have more information. Who is this patient?"
"She's not a patient," Arizona blurted, slamming the file down on the desk. "She's a doctor!"
"What?"
"She's a doctor and she's my mentor and I'm scared to work with her. I'm terrified. What if she strokes out in surgery, or slurs her words, or develops a tremor? She's one of the top neonatal surgeons in the country!"
"Wait, she's a doctor?" Amelia said, reaching for the manila folder on her desk.
"That's not her file," Arizona snatched the file away, but not before Amelia caught the name on the folder.
"Zola…" she breathed, her breath hitching, heart pounding as she relived her horrible mistake.
"Yeah, CFS requested it. It's procedure." Arizona clutched the file closer to her chest.
"Can I…look at it?" She couldn't help but ask. Somehow… she had to fix this.
"You should not be anywhere near this." Arizona stepped back suddenly.
"I know, Arizona, I messed up." Amelia admitted. A crazy thought hit her. "Give me this chance." She looked back down at her computer and pulled up the MRI scan. "Dr. Herman right?"
"How'd you know?"
Amelia shook her head, she didn't. It was a wild guess. She leaned closer to her computer monitor, a hand under her chin as she scrolled through her emails again. "I don't know where this came from… but this tumor, it is operable. I can do it."
"What?" Arizona asked, shocked.
"Look, those doctors that previously consulted were probably the best in the field… but they lack imagination. I can beat this." She turned the screen to face Arizona.
"Seriously?" the blonde doctor asked, staring at the giant blob.
"Well, I'll need updated scans… but… Arizona, I need to do this. I need to fix something. Please." It wasn't even entirely about Zola. It was about… a chance. A chance for someone to believe in her, and about being physically able to fix something.
The blonde crossed her arms, reluctant. "Okay… but what do you want with Zola's file?"
Amelia regarded her colleague. Of everyone in the hospital, Arizona seemed the most neutral about her past mistake. "She has Spina Bifida." Amelia stated. "She can't be in just any foster home. She needs to be with Mere. I… let me fix this." She stared at the file. She could try. She had to do something. Sorry wasn't enough.
"You'll talk to Herman?"
"I'll talk to her." Amelia nodded.
"Okay." Arizona sighed, slowly releasing Zola's file. "I um… guess I misplaced this in your office."
"Right." Amelia nodded. "Okay." She swallowed. The tumor was operable. It was. She could do it. For Arizona. For Herman. She needed to do it. For Derek. For herself.
"Okay." Arizona repeated softly, her blue-eyed gaze intense. "This better work."
"It'll work." Amelia forced all her confidence into her voice. It would work.
Arizona left, backing slowly out of the office. Amelia picked up Zola's file and flipped through it before slipping her letter of resignation through the paper shredder.
A/N: Thanks Everyone! More on Owen, Jolex, Japril and Calzona next chap!