Hey guys! Sorry for the late update, it was christmas ... no excuse but still ... ;o)
So here is the next chapter! Enjoy reading and tell me what you think! xxx
After Daryl had told me about what happened since we split I grew silent. I eventually stood up and we went back to the prison in a no-one-dare-to-talk-silence. In front of the door which lead into the prison I stopped. Daryl was about to open the door, when he realized I wasn't close behind. He turned around and scowled. Inside me arose a feeling as if something was asphyxiating me. I just couldn't go in there. When Daryl was about to turn around I made a step back. "I can't go in there." I said in a low voice, afraid of the sight of bars … I was afraid to be locked up again. Why would they wanna lock you up?
Daryl let go off the door and made a step towards me. "Why?" I heard laughing and screams in my head … It was all in my head, but the memory was real and hurt. I felt them torturing me, humiliating me. I was pressing my right hand against my head, as if that could make it stop. It was all in my head, I told myself, not real. Suddenly I felt someone grabbing my right arm and I immediately broke free from the grasp. Daryl stood close in front of me. "You wanna tell me what happened?" I shook my head slightly. I wasn't ready to talk about it, wasn't ready for anything.
"Wait here." He ordered and walked to the door, before he entered the prison he turned around. "I mean it, stay there." He waited until I nodded, opened the door and with one last glance back at me he walked into the darkness of the prison.
I looked at the closed door, not moving at all. My eyes wandered over the hard grey walls of the prison, the barred windows and my heard heart began to beat faster. Calm down, there is nothing to be afraid of. They are all living inside the prison, you can do that too. "Not sure about that." I watched the closed door again, they are all living in there. And you will too. I looked over my shoulder into the yard. "Maybe I can set up a tent." I was more talking to myself than to the voice in my head. I turned around again to face the door, fear, and angst.
I stood there a few minutes what felt like hours. At some point my left leg started to hurt again. I couldn't bear to stand any longer and walked over to what looked like a picnic-table-bench. When I finally sat down I was sweating again. Was it because of the pain or because of the fear of that prison? I laid my right arm on the table and rested my head on it. Closing my eyes and I breathed in deep. You have to let go … let go of fear. This is your salvation. "That would be nice …"
I heard the door and saw Glenn and the brunette girl walking out. They went to the cars engrossed in a conversation. They were not looking for me, maybe that's why they didn't notice me at all. "Daryl said she is broken. Not like the girl we used to know." Glenn stated, his voice as sad as his appearance.
"What was she like?" The pretty girl seemed close to him, her lovely smile was all for him.
"She always smiled. A happy nature, always made me laugh. She let me forget what world we live in now." Glenn's words penetrated my heart. I remembered the time we had spent together, laughed together, and how easy it was to talk to him all the time. The brunette interrupted my happy retrospection. "I can't imagine her smiling. She looks so dark … so lost." The girl was right I felt lost and tears started to fill my eyes again.
"You don't know her Maggie. She doesn't deserve to look like that. If I'll ever find him or her who did this to her …" He made a fist, but I saw the girl named Maggie taking his fist into both of her hands. "Don't … You need to help her open up, to feel save. She looks afraid … help her to see the bright side of the life we live now." Maggie was nice. She supported him and me as well. "Here we are safe!"
I began to think about her words and about me, my life. Maggie and Glenn were right … I was broken. These men had broken me … and I didn't know how to repair myself, how to repair a shattered soul. My heart ached and I held back tears. I had always been happy and living life to the fullest, now I didn't even know who I was. I laid there crying again, even there was no point in crying no more. But it can be a relief. That wasn't me, that's not how I wanted to be. After my brother's death I had realized life was short and could be over any second. After my aunt had died of an unknown heart disease, I had realized this even more. I had been doing all the things I had wanted to and if someone had told me no, I had done it anyway. That had been me. That was me.
Wiping aside tears, I struggled to my feet and walked away. Their conversation was not designed for my ears, so I walked in the other direction, towards one of the watchtowers. I didn't know if they saw me walking away and didn't quiet care. I was deep in thoughts thinking about how to go on, when I slowly approached the watchtower. Touching its cold solid wall I looked up to its top. Up there wouldn't be any bars. I wanted to be as steady as the tower and as strong as the fence that held back the walkers. I wanted to be me again, not a shadow of what used to be me. I exhaled loudly and looked to my right, where two fences stood in a row. I walked over to the fence and touched it, joggled it. It was stable. Leaning against it, I looked behind the fences where a zombie world existed. Dead people were walking around, but the trees and bushes looked so fresh and green, they were not affected by the apocalypse at all. With my good right arm I grabbed hold of the fence and held fast to it, as if it could disappear and the zombies would invade this safe place. Or even worse …
"What ya lookin' at?" I jumped at Daryl's voice.
"Nothing." I answered turning around.
Daryl had a blanket and a pillow under his arm and nodded over to the watchtower. "Come on. I'll show ya somthin'!" He walked to the tower, opened the door and went upstairs. I followed him slowly. He didn't wait for me nor did he make any attempt to help and I was kind of thankful he didn't pity me. When I reached the top, he had put the sleeping utensils on the ground, where a mattress was already put. "We keep watch here." He told me while staying in front of a window looking outside. I didn't know what to do. Did he want me to sleep here or take watch? So I just stood there blandly. I saw him trying to peek over the shoulder to look at me, but he couldn't really see me without turning around, so I went next to him. "So I am next to keep watch?" I asked him with a small smile.
He drew up a brow. "Ya rest. I'll keep watch." This was the Daryl I knew, short and grumpy but deep down he had a kind-hearted soul. I looked around, scanning the room with all the windows. When I looked back to the prison I thought I saw Carol looking up to me.
"How is your leg?" I turned to Daryl again. "Will be fine eventually." I looked down my leg. It just had to be, if not … I would be nothing but a milestone around their neck. I eyed my bandaged arm. The bandage was loose and I saw some scars, small ones, deep ones … there were too many … I wished for a shirt with long sleeves. I didn't want to see this reminders of pain. "We all have scars." I looked up to him, but his eyes were still scanning the world behind the fences. "And your scars tell me you survived." I soaked in a deep breath. I was so not ready to talk about it. I was afraid he would ask me questions and walked backwards, away from him, away from painful questions. Stop it! Don't be dramatic. I stopped and examined Daryl's jacket, his vest … Angel wings were on the back of it. He was an angel indeed who came flying by and rescued me. "Thank you." I whispered.
He turned around and I was surprised about the look in his eyes. All the time I had known him they hadn't shown any emotions, now they were full of pity. But I didn't want his pity, didn't want to be treated different than in the past when my world had been still whole. "Ella …" He made a step towards me and I immediately made a step back to keep a distance between us. He must have seen my expressions and stopped. "When ya ready ya can talk to me." He grabbed behind his back and took out a knife, my knife. At the look of the hunting knife, I relaxed a bit. It was my weapon, something I could defend myself with. I slowly made a few steps towards him, but stopped in front of him, still keeping a safe distance. Daryl handed me the knife. "I left this knife at camp." I looked at my knife in my hands while he asked me a question I was able answer. "Ya went back?"
I felt like a child in front of him. It was not only because of the questioning but he was much taller than me. "I went after you. But in Atlanta I was lost and wounded." I paused replaying the shots and struggle for life in my mind. Daryl deserved to know. After all what he had done for me, he had all right to know. "I met another group, they stitched me up." I swallowed. Doc must be waiting for us, but no one would ever return. With my friends being dead and me not even knowing how to get back to the hotel, he would never know what happened to us, to his sister. "They helped me to return to the campsite, but you were all gone. I found the knife and the graves." Graves like the ones I had seen here. "We went looking for you. I always kept on looking." My voice faded and I didn't think he heard my last words, but his blue eyes watched my lips as the words left my mouth.
I remembered a Daryl who had taught me to fight and kill, a distant man rarely talking. His eyes dark but with a shiny glare. Now I saw a sympathy in them I wasn't used to. "All the time ya were looking for us?" I gave him a sad smile. His voice revealed that they hadn't been looking for me. I wanted to tell him that I had been looking for him … The words were screaming in my head, but never left my mouth.
"Where are ya friends now?" Hearing this question my heart skipped a beat. It would be easier to just tell him so he wouldn't ask anymore and wouldn't look at me with those eyes no more. But to say aloud what happened, remembering this tragedy … made it somewhat real again. But again I told myself that Daryl had saved my life, he deserved to know. "Dead." The word came out harsh and slow.
Suddenly Glenn walked in with a tray in his hands. "Ella, I thought you may be hungry." I looked at the plate with hungry eyes. "It's deer meat and beans. A three star meal." He laughed and went over putting the tray on a table near the window. There was just one chair which didn't look quiet solid. The guys looked at me and Glenn moved the chair so I could sit on it. "Come on over and take a bite." Daryl's eyes followed me when I made a step towards them. I stopped growing mad of the looks they gave me.
"Stop it!" I said louder than I wanted to. "I won't eat until …!" Glenn let go off the chair and turned to me. "What's wrong Ella?" Did he really ask me that question? I would have crossed my arms but my left arm was not moveable, so I pointed at them. "You two are looking at me like looking at a dog with just one ear and a broken tail. Don't give me these pity eyes of yours. I can't stand being treated like a cancer patient on his way to a hospice … Like I have to die." What an emotional outbreak. You're being more of a drama queen than a bad ass … they have all the right to look at you like that. If you don't tell them your story they will come up with their own.
I could tell from Glenn's face how awkward he felt, but Daryl's face didn't change at all. Glenn went a hand through his hair all nervous. "I'm sorry Ella. I don't know what happened to you … I just don't know how to talk to you." Seeing Glenn acting like a scolded child I felt sorry. "Talk to me like back then. No worries about me, no depressingly faces no more. It's me." I tried a smile.
"No, it's not ya …" I looked over to Daryl who finally spoke. "Ya were smiling. All I see now is watery red eyes." Glenn tried to quiet him but Daryl ignored his attempts. "Ya not yaself, we can all see that." "Daryl, stop it." Glenn elbowed him.
I felt myself building high walls again, withdrawing myself from the friends I used to know. I saw Glenn talking to Daryl but didn't listen. I thought I could be okay, could feel normal again. Was I stupid to believe it could be normal again? Ella … No, this time I wanted to be left alone with my thoughts, no voice, please …
"It is okay to have scars." I looked up into Daryl's eyes. When did he come so close? He touched my left arm and I flinched but this time he didn't let go off me. "This world changed every one of us. We all have scars now, some ya see some ya don't." He didn't know … I fought back tears, I didn't want to cry again, didn't want him to see my 'watery red eyes'. What happened to the loner I used to know? To the guy I had to proof I was worth teaching? He let go off my arm and through his shaky hair I saw his blue eyes.
"You will smile again when you see this place is safe. That you are safe." Glenn stated behind Daryl. I looked over Daryl's shoulder and Glenn nodded to the food on the table and held out his hand. I wanted to take his hand, accept the helping hand, but I was still afraid it was all imagined. I looked to the meat, smelled the wonderful aroma of food, and mouthed waters. C'mon bad ass, these are your friends. I hesitantly took Glenn's hand and he pulled me into a short hug before he led me to the table. I hadn't had the time to react. A hug … when I was imprisoned I longed for a hug like this and felt better. This was what I had needed all the time, what I had longed for, my friends. A warm embrace of hope and shelter. I could almost hear the walls I was about to build cracking. They were my family and we were together again. This is all that matters. They are your new family, a family to look after and to care about. Daryl left without saying a word while Glenn placed his hands on the chair and mentioned for me to sit down. "I thought you would only deliver pizza!" I teased and Glenn laughed. Did I see a teardrop in his eye? "I've missed you Ella!"
I tried to give him the warmest smile I could do. "I missed you too!"
"You wanna talk about it?" He sat down on the edge of the table eying my arm. I wasn't really ready and thought I wouldn't ever be. "I … I …" I didn't really know how to start.
"Is it true you sneaked out and followed us to Atlanta?" I nodded. "You silly girl. Atlanta is a big city, how could you possibly think of finding us there?" Glenn's lips formed a sad smile.
"I don't know." I didn't know nothing. I took the fork and stirred in the food without taking a bite.
"What happened?" He asked with a curious glance in his eyes. He too had changed just like Daryl. Glenn seemed more grown-up.
I thought about the night I had been going after them. I had been tired of being treated like a housewife. I had hated cooking and washing closes my whole life and I had no interest in starting a career as a housewife back then. I hadn't thought about the implications of my action. I had known where they had been planning to go, where Rick had chained Merle. I had been so confident to find them … never thought I had been more than wrong.
"Back than in Atlanta … I was in a street and was looking for the building we had fetched food on our last run. You said that's where Merle was chained on the roof." There had been just two times I had been allowed to go on a run to Atlanta. It had always been with Glenn. "But a group of people was shooting everywhere, they had a tank. They bombed in my direction … It kinda felt like I got into a war. But good people helped me out and stitched me up. I had been with them for a while. They helped me to find you." I took a bite of the meat and it tasted so good. It was the first warm food in days. I chewed it slowly enjoying every bit of it. "I had never thought that people would be more to fear than the walking dead." When the words left my mouth it was too late to take them back. I remembered Philip and Andy, but Glenn didn't know whom I was talking of.
"That's how you found us?" He listened to my story like a child to a bedtime story. Seemed he was eager to know how I had known they were here. "No … not really." I took another bite and realized I was more than hungry. I finished the meal before I looked up at him. He was waiting patiently for me to go on.
"But you met Andrea?" Andrea … Amy's bigger sister. Now they were both dead and reunited in heaven. I sighed. After I had met her, Phillip had almost killed me. Had he killed her too? "Andrea … how did she die?" I felt the food in my stomach slowly moving upwards. The thought about Phillip could have killed Andrea made me sick.
"I don't know. On Hershel's farm, we were overrun. We lost her." So she could be still alive? I hadn't seen her while I was imprisoned. Maybe she had survived. I looked at him. "Why didn't you look for her?" He seemed to avoid my eyes, looking outside. They hadn't been looking for me, hadn't been looking for her. "Why?" I whispered.
"The place was overrun, too many walkers. We had no chance to go back … Rick didn't let anyone go back." Seemed Rick was the new leader, now that Shane was dead. Or did Shane escape the overrun too? Before I could ask he looked straight at me. "But we have been looking for you." I didn't really believe his words. "Daryl went crazy after he heard you and Andrea met, that she talked to you. We both went looking for you, but there were too many walkers and we didn't have enough ammo to kill all of them." That's what Daryl had told me too. They had been looking for me … they were trying to find me … Daryl tried to … I looked over to Glenn who seemed to be lost in thoughts.
"So you and the brunette?" I awkwardly tried to change the subject. It had happened long gone and no one could change what happened. I didn't want to think about it, I was just happy to be around them again.
"Maggie?" He scratched his chin.
"You two talkin' about me?" The brunette said with a southern accent staying in the door watching us with curious eyes. Glenn hesitated to answer.
"I'm Ella." I said slowly standing up. She smiled at me. "Nice to see you all woken up." She walked over, patting my shoulder.
I thought about me sneaking out at night. Since my arriving I was only with Daryl and now Glenn. I didn't really know who was living here. I felt ashamed sitting up here in the tower, dissociating myself from the group. I had to tell them thank you … later.
I felt myself blushing. "Sorry I sneaked out." Maggie just smiled. "Never mind." She stood next to Glenn and leaned into him. "So I interrupted your little talk?!"
"I was just asking how you guys met." I sat down again.
Maggie began to tell how she met Rick, Shane and Carl first. Carl was shot and she had ridden her horse towards the highway to find Lori. When Maggie recalled the long happened moments I enjoyed the little normality it gave me. I forgot about my pain and fear and relaxed. At some point I grew a little tired and stifled a yawn.
"Maybe we should end this little party." Glenn stood up from the table but I didn't want to be left alone again. "No."
Maggie laughed. "Maybe we should take this party over to the mattress." I looked at her all puzzled. When she realized her words, she stammered. "No … that's not what I … no … I was referring to Glenn … I … uhm …" I laughed so hard at her reaction, I almost fell off the chair.
"Easy Ella." Glenn carefully grabbed my arm to not fall from the chair. I stood up and walked to the makeshift bed and told them with my eyes to follow me. I laid down and couldn't believe to lie on a bed with cushions. I smiled and was beyond happy.
"Are you smiling Ella?" They sat down too.
"I feel like dreaming. For weeks I had slept on cold ground, without a cover or a cushion, now I am lying on an actual mattress." I placed my head on one of the cushions and breathed in deep.
"You want us to leave, so you can sleep?" Maggie said ready to stand up.
I immediately sat up. "No! Don't go. Tell me more or just talk, don't leave me alone." Oh my god, that sounded more than desperate. But Maggie countered with a smile. "We are not leaving you. We will stay all night if you want. You will never be alone again." She tucked me in like my mother had done when I was young. "No need to be afraid." Again her warm voice and smile made me relax.
"Thank you Maggie!" I relaxed into the mattress, full and tired. I looked over to Glenn. "So you made the first move or did Maggie women up?" With a little blushing he laughed about my words. He stared to tell the story how they first met but I didn't even get the first five words and was out. This night I slept deep and calm in a warm bed around my friends.
Again i'm sorry for the late update! But I'll already wrote on, so next chapter will be up in a few days ;o) Thanks for reading