A/N: This takes place before Dr. Herman's scan from the previous chapter.

Enjoy!

Amelia stared at the thick gray gravestone with her brother's name on it. Derek Shepherd. Father, Brother, Son. Husband. Surgeon.

He saved lives.

She shivered in the cool night air, wrapping her arms around herself. "So, um… What would you use to avoid disrupting the gratiolet radiations of the geniculate body of the thalamus?" she asked.

Derek's Gravestone stared back at her, still and unmoving.

She shook her head. "Why am I even asking? I can not listen to the smugness of your voice."

Smugness? How can I have smugness in my voice? I'm dead.

"You have beyond-the-grave smugness! I hear it all the time! You know what? I don't need your help. I can do this. I'm fine. I don't need you."

Yet she couldn't move.

Here she was, in front of Derek Shepherd's grave, waiting for… what? A pat on the back? An attagirl?

"Attagirl Amelia," she muttered. Attagirl. Good idea tackling the most impossible tumor in the history of neurosurgery. Yay. Good job, Amelia, cutting into the brain of a fetal surgeon, of which there are only five in the whole western hemisphere. So, if she failed…

Amelia saw dozens of colored index cards falling off the bulletin board. Herman's patients. Babies not even born yet.

Yeah.

Life will out.

Despite shootings and car accidents and unicorn babies, what Amelia figured it boiled down to was, life always continued. It never stopped. If she stood still and never moved again, everything around her would continue to move, grow, and evolve.

Life will out.

Like Herman's tumor.

She imagined in some alternate universe, she might have weeks or months, perhaps, to fully examine and study Nicole's tumor in all of its problematic glory. She imagined standing in the lecture hall, the tumor highlighted in red as she answered questions on every aspect, every approach, every vector… everything.

But that was some other universe. Not this one. In this universe, there was no Derek Shepherd. In this universe, the tumor was already impinging on the optic nerve, threatening Nicole Herman's sight, her livelihood, her very being. In this universe, even with Lexie Grey, the possibility of failure loomed all the more heavily over her.

It wasn't an option.

Amelia continued to stare at Derek's grave, waiting. Why wasn't he here now? Why did he have to go and get himself shot? Tears threatened. She blinked them away.

Finally she swallowed. "It's a beautiful day to save lives," she sneered, fighting a strange swell of… awfullness turning her stomach.

She spun away.

Amy.

"What?" she snapped. Damned smugness.

It is a beautiful day to save lives.

xxx

"Ohh," Lexie clutched her stomach, bolting to the bathroom. The residents must think of her as a joke, she thought fleetingly as she barged through the first empty stall and fell to her knees. Her insides wrenched and squeezed. Heat flushed. She heaved, but nothing came up.

Not that she expected anything to come up. She hadn't been able to keep much down the last couple days. Was morning sickness supposed to be this bad? Lexie stood up on shaky legs and let out a breath.

"Hey, you okay? Saw you running in here like your life depended on it." Callie asked with concern

"Yeah… I'm okay. Just feel like this baby is gonna kill me," she said, washing her hands.

"Hey, I get it. Don't get me started on Sofia…"

"The nausea won't stop," she rubbed her stomach, "and I'm exhausted. I've been studying Herman's scans all night, but I keep falling asleep. And I'm trying to avoid caffeine…

"Whoa, hey. You need to remember to take care of yourself. You're growing a little Sloan in there."

"Little Sloan? That sounds-"

"Whoops, I mean you're growing a little human," Callie corrected with a chuckle.

"I know."

"C'mon, I'll get you some Zofran, alright? And some tea? My treat."

Sighing, Lexie leaned against Callie, thankful for the help. She just had to figure this tumor out, morning sickness be damned.

xxx

"Okay, so, if we use the ultrasonic surgical aspirator…" Lexie said.

"We can mush and flush the cells…"

"That will work for this section of the tumor. But not here," Lexie pointed along a neon red line. "Not this close to the optic chiasm. So then what? Laser?"

The sexy laser," Amelia nodded.

"So will that extend...?" she trailed off, lost in the big red dot.

"Okay, step back." Amelia said. "Look at the whole big beautiful, shapely thing-"

Lexie stared at it, but despite her photographic memory, and all her experience brain mapping… the tumor didn't look like a tumor any more. It looked like a glowing red eye, staring at her. Boring into her stomach. She blinked. God, she was so tired. Did an embryo really sap this much energy out of one person?

"-We will have to be gentle with one part, and rough with the other-"

"Right. And precise. Extremely precise." She swallowed, feeling the nausea return. Dammit.

"Of course I'll be precise." Amelia stepped closer to the brilliant blue images on the wall in front of them. "It's a bea-uti-ful day to save lives, don't you think?" she asked, her voice swelling with confidence.

Lexie was struck off guard. Not only by the phrase, but the bold tone accompanying it. She spun to face Amelia. "What did you say?"

"Um, it's a beautiful-"

"-day to save lives," Lexie finished, staring her down.

"Yeah… What?"

"Forget it. We have to focus," she said, grinding her teeth. Think of the patient, she thought. Forget the recovering drug addicted surgeon who had sex with Mark, and who nearly messed up her sister's life. Think of all the babies… right?

"Whatever you have to say, Dr. Grey, I can handle it."

Lexie didn't believe her, but since she invited it, why not? "You know, I was starting to like you a little… you were anxious, a little nervous about this whole approach, and that made me respect you. But now-"

"Now…?" Amelia led, her gaze hardening.

"You're quoting him, like you have his confidence. But why not? Six doctors already called it inoperable, and you took one look at the scans and declared it possible-"

"So did you. You sent me those scans."

"Old scans! Before it invaded the chiasm! And it was just scans, just a consult! Now you're treating this like it's your own personal mission to save Dr. Herman. Like you're some kind of hero! You're all… I'm Dr. Shepherd, it's a beautiful day to save-"

"Stop! You do not get to say anymore!"

Lexie ignored her. "You need to face reality! I've been up all night, studying your plan, studying the scans, and I don't see it. It's not there. Do you realize the enormous midline shift removing this tumor will cause? How much it could damage?"

"I am saving her life!"

"Whose life? Dr. Herman's? Or yours?"

"Dr. Herman's, of course!"

"Are you sure? Or are you just drilling into her brain to prove something to the real Dr. Shepherd?" Lexie yelled.

Amelia's face paled at the mention of her brother's name, but it didn't phase Lexie. The nausea did, though. It swept over her and she clutched her gut, storming out before she could hear Amelia's rebuttal.

xxx

Amelia didn't have a rebuttal. She stared grimly after Lexie, heart and head bruised from the verbal slap in the face. Her fingers twitched, and for a moment, a very long moment she wanted a drink. Something alcoholic… or better. But she centered herself, breathed, and faced Herman's scans.

Of course she was trying to prove something. But exactly how did that matter? Dr. Herman needed that tumor removed, and was willing to let her try. The risks were clear. If Lexie didn't understand that, then she didn't need her. She'd figure this out herself.

Amelia gritted her teeth and clenched her fists, staring back at the glowing red tumor. It was slowly creeping deeper into the brain, closer and closer to the fornix, what Amelia termed the dream box. The tumor was so large, so demanding, it could suck the dream box dry. Steal away hopes and dreams. And if she removed the tumor, what would be left of the dreambox? Or who, rather?

Anything?

Anyone?

xxx

"So they just spitball this stuff with you? The three of you hanging out, talking tumor?" Jo asked.

"Pretty much," Stephanie replied, neatly packing Jo's few belongings into a duffle.

"I wanna talk tumor!"

Stephanie chuckled. If only she knew. These last few days with Drs. Shepherd and Grey had been the most fascinating yet frustrating days of her entire residency. The two were incredible geniuses, in very different ways. Dr. Grey was methodical and research oriented. Her photographic memory often called up facts and data about underutilized methods and techniques that may still be valuable in this case. She also deeply cared about her patients, almost to a fault.

On the other hand, Dr. Shepherd had a whole different vibe. Her genius was expansive and out-of-the box. Her hyperactive mind pushed and pulled, searching for new and innovative techniques, and she alone seemed to understand every ripple and ridge of Dr. Herman's incredible tumor…

And yet she was audacious at times. Seemingly overconfident, as if she was the only one who could perform this surgery.

And that, along with Dr. Grey's weird moodiness of late, made for tension so thick Stephanie almost felt like she was drowning in that imaging room.

Which was why she was here, helping Jo pack before her discharge. She needed a break. "Ready to go home?" she asked her friend.

Jo sighed, "Yeah… I guess. It's gonna be weird now between me and Alex."

"Why does it have to be weird?"

"You wouldn't understand."

"Look, I don't know what your problem is, but that man loves you. A lot. He's been brooding all over this hospital you know."

"He has?" Jo asked.

"Yeah. Look I know this has something to do with your past. Maybe you don't trust Alex somehow, or maybe you don't trust Marriage… but why don't you talk to someone about it? Maybe… Bailey, or Webber. They've been through stuff… they understand. Maybe they have an idea what to do."

"Yeah, maybe." She sighed.

"Look, I gotta go. Your stuff is packed. I'll come see you when this is over, kay?"

"Kay."

Stephanie straightened her labcoat, trudging out of Jo's room, preparing to face hurricane Shepherd and tropical storm Grey.

"Steph?"

"Yeah?" she turned back to Jo.

"Thanks. Thanks for being here…"

No answer was necessary, except a smile of acknowledgement.

Now on her way to the neuro wing, she picked up coffees for her bosses and headed to imaging.

She stopped in the doorway, slightly relieved that Dr. Grey wasn't there. She hoped she was taking a nap… she'd found her a few hours ago, asleep, her drool dampening Dr. Herman's last MRI.

Dr. Shepherd seemed oblivious to her presence, staring down the tumor as it stared back at her. Stephanie put the coffees down, waiting quietly as her mentor ruminated.

"How do I access that area of the brain? Even with the perfect tools, the perfect approach, how do I keep from screwing it up? If there's edema… it's post-fixed. It's too narrow. Too close to the fornix… if I hit the hypothalamus… game over," she muttered, hands on her head, as if she could somehow extract the answer through osmotic fingertips. "Not gonna work, not gonna work, not gonna work… Come on!"

"Do you want some food?" Stephanie asked softly.

"Have I figured this out yet?"

"No."

"Then I don't want any food."

Not knowing what to do, Stephanie stared at the scans too, as if somehow she might see something Shepherd was missing.

"This has never been done," Dr. Shepherd continued, "All these steps, in this order, has never been done before."

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

"Who do I think I am? Who am I to even try this?"

"Okay, bad thing," she surmised, moving closer to help, to talk it out. She stared at the scans too, but nothing stood out to her. She was smart, but not experienced enough to see this tumor the way Dr. Shepherd did. "What does Dr. Grey think?" she asked.

"Dr. Grey can go screw herself."

"O-kay." Apparently they'd had another falling out then. She was secretly glad she'd missed the action, because she hated being caught in the middle. Still, as they continued to stare at the difficult tumor maze, Stephanie knew they were stuck. "Just… she might have a good idea-"

"I do not need Dr. Grey!" Shepherd whipped around. "I am not stuck! I am thinking! I am right at the edge of figuring it out, of making the breakthrough of a lifetime! I am this close! My genius is flying around this room, trying to find a clear path to land on me, but I can't clear the runway for landing because I can't find any quiet, because some idiot resident keeps talking to me!"

Stephanie heard enough and spun around, angry and disappointed. She was just trying to help, that was all. Quickly, she packed her files and notes, hours and hours of research and discussion and techniques… seemed to be going down the drain with Shepherd's meltdown.

"-I shouldn't have said that-" Shepherd rallied, "I didn't mean it. I'm tired, and frustrated. I… I'm so sorry."

She turned back, giving her attending the evil eye.

"This tumor is making me crazy," Shepherd admitted. "Edwards," she pleaded.

Dr. Shepherd didn't have anyone anymore, did she? Stephanie gave her a good once over, her hurt becoming something more powerful- indignance. "You're supposed to be my mentor. You are my mentor. I believe in you, I look up to you, I want to be you. That's an enormous responsibility. So don't call me names. And stop pouting because you don't understand what to do. Be worthy of being believed in, of being looked up to. Or if you can't be worthy… if I am just wasting my time, and there is nothing about you that is special or wise, for God's sake at least have the decency to pretend there is. Get it together, Dr. Shepherd," she huffed, storming out.

Blinded by threatening tears, she marched down the hall. Smack! Papers flew, files and scans scattered and slid as she bounced off a hard body. "Dammit!" she cursed.

"Whoa," Dr. Avery's voice caused her to look up.

"Dr. Avery, sorry, I-" she stuttered as she scrambled to pick up the papers. She'd never admitted it to anyone, but she had a secret crush on him. Who wouldn't? With those eyes? And that jaw? Damn. Down girl, she chided herself. "Sorry, I wasn't looking-"

"It's alright," he said, "I wasn't paying attention either," he said as he helped her pick up the papers. "Hey, are you all right?"

Stephanie wanted to be tough, independent and capable of handling her own problems with her bosses. She wasn't a tattler, she didn't require the involvement of other attendings in this messed up tumor triangle… but something about the inflection in his voice and the concern in his eyes opened her up. "I um," she clamped down, taking the time to choose her words carefully. "This… tumor is driving everybody crazy," she said. "And I'm just… I'm so tired of it. Tired of them." She cleared her throat. "But I'll be alright. I'm okay."

"Are you sure?" he asked. "Do you need me to-"

"No," she shook her head. "No, I'm fine. It's going to be alright. Just a bad morning."

Avery nodded. "Okay," he said. "But if you need anything-"

"I know, thanks." She said, standing up. "I should- I've got rounds."

xxx

Lexie mushed the Jello around in the container, sighing. Her anger at Amelia was gone now, but still Herman's tumor haunted her. So much so, she'd avoided getting red, blue, or yellow Jello as those colors reminded her too much of the scans in the imaging lab she'd been living in this last... seventeen and a half hours.

But the green Jello was not appetizing to her pregnant brain, and now she was starting to worry. Was it normal to be this sick? Was it just stress? Should she give up on this thing for the sake of her baby?

She recalled how sick Meredith had been during her pregnancy, but even through the stress of Derek's death, it didn't seem as bad compared to hers. She supposed she could get an ultrasound or a blood test… but she wanted Mark to be there, and she didn't want to worry him.

Ugh. Pregnancy sucked. Relationships sucked. Well not really, but in this very moment, they did.

"Hey," a soft voice pulled her from her thoughts. "Everything okay?"

She looked up, seeing Jackson staring at her with those gorgeous eyes. Damn. She'd never admit it to anyone, but she had a secret crush on him. Who wouldn't? With those eyes? And that jaw? Easy now, she chided herself. She had Mark. And he had those eyes, and that jaw… so yeah, no complaints here.

"Fine," she answered. "Why?"

"Just.. um, wondering about the progress with Herman's tumor," he said.

"I can't really discuss it," she said. She didn't want to get into it. How Amelia drove her crazy, how she put her own glory ahead of her patient's needs, how she was hell bent on operating on an inoperable tumor.

"I understand…" he said. "It's weird, you know. I always used to believe in the science. In black and white… either it could be done, or it couldn't. But lately, I've been wondering about miracles. My unborn baby had a tumor. I saw it. Right inside the ventricle. And I was… I was scared to death. We were all scared. But we put our faith in the doctors… in God… or whoever created us, and…" he waved his hand, "An earthquake hit, Dr. Herman collapsed, and there was a major complication. But still, it was a miracle. Tumor gone. No one knows how."

Lexie nodded, she'd heard the story at Meredith's party, and had been quiet impressed. Still, "Why are you telling me this?" she asked.

"I just… get the feeling you're having doubts. And I miss the old Lexie."

"Old Lexie?" Who was he calling old?

"Yeah," he smiled. "Badass Lexie. Hardcore, diaper-wearing Lexie."

"What?" she sputtered. Diaper wearing Lexie? What was he getting at?

"Remember Derek Shepherd's spinal tumor? Everyone thought it was inoperable. That tumor was beautiful, it was perfect. Webber even forbade him from cutting. But Shepherd did it anyway. To prove him wrong, I guess. He stared at that thing for ten hours remember? We thought he was nuts. But he went home, slept on it, and came back. He still thought there was a way. And you didn't give up on him, either. You lectured me on the benefits of diapers. And because of that, Isaac walked. He got his life back. And we got to witness a miracle."

"Jackson- you don't understand-" Lexie started. It wasn't about the tumor, or lack of faith… It was Amelia, acting like… like-

Like Derek. Crap. Suddenly she got it. "I have to go," she said suddenly. "Thanks for the talk." She bolted out of her chair, strangely energized.

"You're welcome…" said Jackson, "I think."

xxx

She found Amelia right where she left her. Alone in imaging. It wasn't a pleasant sight. Papers and scans littered the floor. Couch cushions were strewn about. And sitting on the floor, still staring at that insipid tumor, was Amelia. Stepping forward, she sloshed the remnants of milky coffee, inadvertently kicking the empty cup. She watched it roll down to Amelia's knee before she cleared her throat, announcing her presence. "Why? she asked. "Why do you want to operate?"

"You already assumed the answer… why are you asking me again?"

"I um, may have been wrong," she admitted. "It happens sometimes." Amelia remained silent, and so Lexie coughed, "Well?"

"Oh. That wasn't rhetorical?" Amelia looked up.

Lexie cocked her head, waiting.

Amelia looked back at the colorful wall of brain images. "My whole career, I've been the other Dr. Shepherd," she began, her voice faint and reflective. "He's the real one. I'm the other one. Right now… this plan is theoretical. Just talk. But, at some point, I'm going to slice into Dr. Herman's brain. And I have this sick feeling that when I face that tumor, I will discover I'm not only the other Dr. Shepherd… I am the wrong Dr. Shepherd," she breathed. "So… truthfully, I am terrified to cut. But, I feel… if I don't… I will never know who I am, or who I can become. So… you're probably right. I'm not doing this just to save Dr. Herman. I'm doing this to prove myself." Standing, she said, "But if all this work means that I get to try to save the life of a woman who saves unborn babies, then… I'm going to do that. And I'm not giving up."

Lexie nodded slowly, now understanding the depth of her colleague. How strange it must be to be terrified of yourself, of your own thoughts and actions. Always on a precipice and never able to trust your own will and capability? "Tell me," she said softly, "Is there a way to take out this tumor?"

She wasn't asking if Amelia believed she could take out the tumor. She was asking if there was a way. A path. That was what she truly wanted to know. Otherwise, why take the risk?

"I'm this close," she showed with her fingers. "I'm stuck, but I'm so close… so close, Lexie…"

"Okay," she nodded. Suddenly she knew what to do. Amelia didn't need another eye. She didn't need another opinion or the latest information on the newest technique. She needed inspiration. And Lexie knew just how to inspire her. "Take a break. Get some coffee, eat. I'll get Edwards to do another MRI. We're going to do this," she told Amelia. "Together."

The relieved look on Amelia's face said it all. Lexie waited till she left. She picked up her phone and dialed Edwards. Her resident wasn't going to like this… and Meredith might just kill one or both of them, but- "Edwards, I need your help." Quickly she explained her unorthodox plan.

"You want me to what?" Edwards exclaimed.

"It'll be fine. I'll explain it to Meredith. Just bring it here after Herman's scan."

"Fine. I will. If I get out alive…"

xxx

Amelia didn't feel much better, even after eating and another coffee. She felt done. Just done. With herself, with her career, with her life… she felt completely and utterly sapped.

Her meltdown with Stephanie proved it. That girl had been nothing but strong and supportive, and Amelia pummeled her, in a verbal sense. Though she had to admit Stephanie had cajones for standing her ground.

How could she be that person? The one that people looked up to and believed in. That was Derek, the real Dr. Shepherd. Not her. Other Dr. Shepherd, fake Dr. Shepherd.

Amelia wanted to disappear into the nothingness she felt… But something about this case niggled… and she knew in heart that she was right. The tumor was operable.

She just had to find the path.

Sighing, she trudged slowly back to the imaging lab. Giving up wasn't an option. Not yet. It was time for another round of rock'em sock'em, she supposed. Final round… Bottom of the ninth. Sudden death overtime.

If she failed, at least she could say to Stephanie that she tried. Maybe she could live with that. Maybe.

She wearily pushed open the door to the lab, blinking from the sudden brightness. Who turned the lights on? The tumor that had resided on the wall for so long was gone. The screens were blank and empty. Amelia rubbed her tired eyes. All the computers were shut off, the monitors blank and silent. "What the-" she started.

"Amelia, hey." Lexie called from the sofa.

"Where's the tumor?" she asked.

"I couldn't look at it anymore." She said tiredly.

Amelia didn't quite understand. "Lexie, why?"

Lexie yawned and closed her eyes. "Just come here. Come sit. I'm waiting for Edwards to come back."

"Come back from where?"

"Just… come sit, okay?"

Amelia caved and sat. The blank wall facing them seemed so strange without the tumor wallpaper, and Amelia rubbed her temple.

"I'm sorry about earlier," Lexie said. "I'm sorry for doubting you. I guess… I'm just stressed, and worried."

"It's okay," Amelia replied.

"I forgot myself. I've been so busy criticising you, I forgot what I was good at."

"Which is?" Amelia asked, mildly curious.

Lexie rested her head on Amelia's shoulder, her eyes dipping closed again. "Inspiring people," she said. And then her breaths evened out, and she fell asleep. On Amelia's shoulder.

xxx

Amelia's shoulder was sore and slightly damp from Lexie's drool while she waited, stuck there. Listening to nothing but snores, and staring at a blank wall. "She could've at least left the tumor scans up," Amelia muttered. Still, she was okay with it. Lexie obviously needed her rest, and she deserved at least a few minutes.

"Okay! I got it!" Edwards burst in, carrying… a garbage bag. "Dr. Grey was not happy tearing out her drywall for this-"

Lexie suddenly jolted awake. "Oh good, you got it!" she exclaimed.

"Yeah," Edwards said, gently pulling something long and flat out of the garbage bag.

Amelia stood up, shocked, staring at the strange painted slice of drywall Edwards held up. Was that what she thought it was? "That's…" she muttered. "It's a massive Hemangioblastoma," Amelia said, realizing where it came from. The spinal tumor that hung in Meredith's bedroom. "It's beautiful".

"It's amazing," Edwards said.

"It's all those things," Lexie said. "And it's our inspiration."

A/N: Okay guys! That was amazing! The more I watched those two episodes, the more I was inspired in life generally. Thanks for reading! Drop me a comment!