Hey you guys, sorry it took tht long again ... but this story will definitely continue :o)
So here is an extra-long chapter for you! Have fun reading. Please review, so i know you're still with me ;-)
I still stood at the gate and watched the car that had left hours ago. I could still hear the sound of Daryl's motorcycle, felt its sound in my body, still saw his glance. He hadn't want me to go. His words echoed in my mind "I need ya safe, need ya to stay put." It was as if he had told me he didn't want me there. I knew Rick didn't want me there, didn't want a maniac who would be trying to kill the governor. Maybe he had been right thinking I would have been a danger to all of them. Rick wanted to know what the governor wanted, I just wanted to go berserk.
But why had they taken one-foot-Hershel? Why not someone who shoots better than him, was stronger than him. Yeah, I was thinking of me. Even Hershel thought he could talk to Phillip, talk him into peace, no one knew as good as I did, that he would betray us, would stab our back the moment he had the chance to. Maye Merle was my opinion, was the same way thinking I did. Now he was pouting in the prison, while his brother was out of his sight. Almost like I was yearning for Daryl to come back fast.
I thought about Rick's decision and if he had been in his right mind. But at least Michonne had returned and she didn't seem unhappy. She and Carl seemed to have made friends on the trip. Maybe Rick had returned into the sheriff he had once been. He hadn't killed Michonne nor abandoned her. He must know what he was doing now. And he was trying to protect the group, protect all of us.
I touched my lips vacantly. Daryl had kissed me. Why did it pop into my head now? Even I knew my brother wouldn't answer, I waited until I finished the thought: Because I was afraid it was the first and the last time he would kiss me. I dearly hoped he would return unhurt.
After a few more minutes, I went into the prison where the others were already gathered. They were checking the guns and ammo Rick had brought. I walked over to the table and saw Merle on the other side of the room watching us getting ready. He just stood there doing nothing but staring. No one was talking, just working. Glenn had given clear orders and now we were charging guns. "We should grab all the guns and pay that governor a visit." Merle snarled, walking over to us.
I stood silent, being his opinion. Better to kill Phillip now than be sorry later. A little ambush wouldn't do any harm to our people, would it?! He looked straight at me, as if he had read my thoughts, knowing I wanted to kill Phillip as well. But Glenn wasn't his opinion at all. "We stay put. Who knows what they plan." His voice was hard, determining.
Michonne nodded. "Rick and Daryl told us to wait here." She emphasized the name of Merle's brother. But Merle would never listen to anyone of us but Daryl. "They can take care of themselves."
"Ma brother will be fine, but officer friendly's head will be on a pike soon." I watched Carl wince when Merle said his thoughts aloud. I wanted to go over to Carl, wanted to support him, but cold eyes starred at us. He simply shrugged and went out.
I straightened my back and turned to Merle. "Don't implicate the kid in your nasty talk." I felt like giving him a slap across the face, so when Daryl would return, he would still see a red hand on Merle's cheek.
"Ya want the governor dead just as much as I do … why don't we make a trip together?" He was all serious, no smile, no hidden glance in his eyes.
But Glenn walked over to me and grabbed my arm. "No Ella, you won't go. It's not the right move. Not now. We can't take the risk to put them in a crossfire." He looked at me insistently and then turned to Merle. "This is my decision, it's final." He walked out, throwing me one of his I'm-the-leader-here-now-look and I knew he was doing the right thing. As much as I wanted to go, Glenn was right. What the hell could happen when Philip would see me? What would happen when I saw him? I would shoot him down, no matter what. There was no clear thinking when I saw him … It was always revenge that took hold on me.
Merle took in a deep breath. Glenn and Maggie left to do whatever must be done right now. Maybe they would check on Carl. Michonne took some guns and went out too, to put the weapons in their position. I still stood at the table, absently putting some ammo in a bag. Merle came closer until he stood right across of me at the table.
"Why do ya listen to china boy?" He was still serious. "That bastard knows nothing. Doesn't know our pain."
"Our pain?" I hissed. "You know nothing about my pain!"
"Oh bad ass … ya're lying." He sighed with a smile. "Ya pretty eyes in your pretty dumb head give away your stupid thoughts …" His eyes almost made me believe he did. "I tell ya something: I will take this bag and go." He was about to take the bag I had filled, but I pulled it to me.
"Glenn said …" I started.
"I give a shit what that chinky eyes says." We stared each other down. "Ya know … we will make a great team." His behavior changed as if drugs had kicked in. "Will be us against the world darlin'." He laughed.
"No Merle. We will never be a team. You are too much of an asshole." I smiled badly. I knew that if I would go with him now, I had every one against me. But I also would finally get my revenge. We knew nothing about the meeting with the governor, maybe our friends were already dead. But Glenn was right, better to get ready and prepare than to start a crossfire in which someone of our group could get injured or killed. Without my brother talking back, it was just me and my thoughts arguing on an on. "Besides, I would always choose Daryl." I didn't look at him, my eyes were on the bag in front of me. My hands grabbed it tight as if my life depended on this bag of ammo. Why did I tell him? I had never said it out loud and now I said it to his brother. I felt like the kiss had loosened my tongue.
"I know honey, I know." His voice was unbelievable nice. "And sweet Darlyina will choose you over me."
"You have to give him more credit than that." I thought about the time Daryl had chosen Merle over us, his new family.
"Whatever …" He looked at the bag in my hands. "I'll go now. You wanna get your revenge or rot in prison?" He laughed at his joke. In the next moment he made a quick move and dragged the bag out of my hands and began to put guns in it.
"You're not going." Glenn stated in a firm voice. Maggie and Michonne were close behind him. While Maggie stood close to Glenn, Michonne made her way over to me. Her eyes searching mine for an answer she had never asked.
"I don't need permission." Merle wasn't looking at anyone. I knew he was just thinking about Daryl, he was afraid something could happen to him. "Ya bitches can't stop me."
They all hated him too much to make him realize it was the best for his brother if Merle would stay in prison than to go and revolve. "Merle …" I started but Maggie beat me to it. "Why don't you understand you can only live here on our terms? If Michonne can live here, why can't you …"
Merle wasn't listening, he turned to the door to leave. But Glenn stepped in his way and didn't seem to move. "You're knocked up already boy." Merle was furious, the silent kind of furious I feared the most. He pressed the words through his lips and his eyes were wide. "Get out of ma way women, or I'll have your pussy on my fist." His aggressive words were like a slap in the face.
Glenn wasn't frightened of Merle. This would definitely end up in a fight. I walked over and grabbed Merle's arm, but he had already punched Glenn in the stomach. They fought and tumbled down the stairs and I went down right with them. The back of my head met the ground. I shook my head and saw Michonne and Maggie trying to draw Merle away from Glenn, but he was demoniacal. Before I could get up to help them, a shot echoed from the walls and made everyone wince. We all turned to see Beth's stone cold face and a pistol in her hand. I had never seen here with anything but a baby in her arms. It was a weird picture that didn't fit. She didn't say a word, she looked at us like a mother who tried to ease off her fighting sons.
"Let me go. Let me go!" Merle screamed behind me. I jumped to his side and pushed him down, while he was frantically lashing about. I sat down on his torso, pinned him down, and looked him straight in the eyes. "Merle. We'll wait here. Daryl needs you here. He counts on us to prepare." I wasn't screaming, not frightening at all, but he got calmer. "He counts on you to play along. If you want to live here with your brother, you need to think clear. We are your family now. There are more people you need to look after." Even he grew calmer, he looked as if he wanted to spit at me. "If you want this to work too, listen to Daryl. Trust him to handle the governor for now." There was a sly smile on his face now. "I need you sober and clear-headed, to defend this place and take care of this group." He pushed me away and stood up wordlessly. Glenn and Maggie looked at me and I nodded to tell them everything was fine. Glenn couldn't take to see Merle anymore, so he and Maggie left the room.
Michonne helped me to get up. "Not bad for a suicidal."
"You guys know I'm right." We turned simultaneously to Merle. "These people may be strong, but they are no assassins."
Michonne slowly approached him with her terminator façade. "Rick is, Maggie is, Carl put down his own mother."
"Mercy killing doesn't make him an assassin." Merle countered. Why would he want Carl to be a killer? Did this conversation lead somewhere or was he planning to make us nervous?
"But you are?" I asked him in a tone that should frighten him, but he smiled. Why was he so much work? Why couldn't he just cooperate?
"When I have to be." He sure meant for Daryl. He would do everything for his brother, even kill someone of our group. "Let's see how much of an assassin you bitches are." Again he was trying to talk me, and this time Michonne too, into going after Rick and trouble the meeting.
Michonne sighed. "You're on your own. You get people killed, it's all on you." She took two guns and walked for the door. On the way she grabbed my arm. "You're coming with me." She ordered and pulled me along. Maybe she knew Merle could talk me into leaving and I didn't really know if I could resist. Anyways I broke free from her grab and walked next to her. I wasn't a kid anymore and hated to be treated like one. "Stay here, do this, do that, come with me …"
When we were outside she pushed a riffle into my arms. "You are pretty bold n' brave. You know exactly how to handle Merle. If Daryl won't return, you're the only one who can handle Merle." I know she only meant it well, but it didn't feel good at all.
"He will return." I insisted and checked the gun. I was furious about how I was treated by Rick and Daryl earlier that day, about how everybody hated Merle – even he deserved it – and Michonne treating me like a kid. "Why so friendly now?" She wasn't all to blame, so I tried to calm down, to recollect myself. It seemed that only Carl and I were something like friends with her. Maggie began to be nice to her too, but that didn't make them friends.
"Andrea." Was her answer. I wanted to ask more, but she silenced me with her eyes. "You need to focus. You and Merle are more alike than you think. You need to be clear headed just as much as he needs to be." Me and Merle alike?
I released the safety catch to nail down my next words, but in the distance I heard the familiar sound of Daryl's motorcycle. I looked to the gate to see Daryl and the others finally coming back. Carol and Carl were letting them in. I walked slowly to the place we always parked the cars to await them. Rick stepped out of the car first and immediately ordered everyone to gather inside. His features said everything and Hershel was looking happy either. I was nervous what he would tell us. Their serious faces told me Phillip was still alive. Carol and Carl came running towards us and went after Rick in single file. Everyone went past me into the prison, but I waited for Daryl, who walked slowly towards me and shook his head. So the meeting didn't went good at all?! Just as I had expected. I fell into his step and our hands touched slightly. I looked up to him and he took my hand, squeezed it carefully. The gesture told me everything: Phillip was alive but Daryl would do everything to kill him.
"That bad?" I asked.
"Held myself back." And we walked on in silence. For every other person this must have looked like some words, but to me it was a whole conversation. I had actually been asking, if he was okay. Had he been close to Phillip? Had he seen him? Had there been an incident or some kind of trap? He had answered: Nobody of us got hurt.
When we were all gathered in the prison, I stood close to Daryl. I almost leaned into him, while I suppressed the urge to feel more of him. Rick began to inform us about the meeting. While he retold what had happened. I was full of hate and afraid likewise, when I realized Daryl didn't mind the closeness. It was as if the kiss had opened something in me that had slept far too long. After all what had happened, some little warm loving was nice. I looked up to him and he gave me his rare Daryl smile and my once so cold body slowly melted.
"We talked, just the two of us." Rick walked back and forth.
"We should have gone when we had the chance to." Merle went for the door. But when he looked at me and Daryl, he stopped. What was this glance in his eyes? I straightened my back, so my body wasn't touching Daryl anymore.
Rick talked on, as if Merle had never said a word. "He wants the prison … wants us gone. Dead." He paused a sec. "Wants us dead for what we did to Woodbury." He looked every one of us into the eyes. "We're going to war." With this words he left and Carl followed.
I was in some kind of shock. But it wasn't quite the situation, but the word war. I was ready to fight Phillip, was ready to kill him, but I had never wanted my friends – my family – to get hurt. Daryl began to move while I felt like losing touch to reality. My body wasn't able to move. Processing that we were going to war, I watched Daryl nodding to Merle who returned the nod. Then he turned to me. "Everything ok?" I nodded, not really knowing how we small people could win against Phillips artillery. One by one they seemed to accept war and thoughtfully left the room or just stood there deep in thoughts.
"We need to prepare." Daryl told me. "Ya think ya can handle that?" He gave me a shotgun. Our hands met and his hand lingered longer on mine than it had to. I slowly accepted upcoming war. "This won't bring us down." I looked to the gun in my hands then back to him. That's when I knew, I didn't need to fear anything as long as I was at his side. The glance in his eyes was the same he had given me back in the woods. Looking into his eyes I searched for the feeling I felt too. He gave me a smile that made me forget I had a gun in my hands and a war on the doorstep.
"He has an army …" I almost whispered. "Andrea told us about them getting ready for an attack."
He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, his hand resting on my cheek. "But we'll have a plan." I trusted him, but still was afraid of Phillip. I didn't know why I was afraid of him and his army in this very moment, before the war-announcement I had felt hate and revenge. He seemed to notice my hesitant eyes. "No matter what … I promise ya I won't let him get near ya."
"You can't promise something like that." No one could. Since hell broke out on earth, you couldn't even be sure if there was a higher power who held the reins.
"C'mon bad ass." He smiled my thoughts away. "I'll let ya shot him first."
"I hope you'll keep that promise." I smiled back, stepping closer. I was grateful he made me smile in this damn situation to ease the tension. He looked into my eyes deeply and my heart began to reheat. How could this exist in the apocalypse right before a war? I stood on tiptoe and kissed him on the lips.
"I will." He grabbed me and pulled me closer, a sly smile in his eyes. But before anything could happen, someone suddenly walked around the corner. I thought Daryl would let go off me quickly, but he just slowly turned while his hands let go off me. "We need to talk." Hershel told Daryl. You could tell from the look in his eyes, that he was surprised to see us like that, nonetheless he didn't say a word about it.
"What's up?" He asked, but Hershel nodded towards the door, through which Rick had disappeared a few minutes ago, and they left.
Before I could ask or think about what they would talk about in private, Glenn called me. "Ella, I need a hand." This was a running gag by now, but my arm was getting more usable day by day. I walked over to the table where he loaded the guns.
"What do you want me to do?" I asked him. There was a fresh cut in his face I knew Merle had made. Would they now cooperate to fight together?
"Fetch the rest of the guns Rick had brought. There are still some in the car we hadn't loaded yet. We gather everything here." He wasn't even looking at me. He was deep in thoughts, maybe thinking about what the future held for us.
"Sure." I went to fetch all the guns and ammo that were left. Being outside, I neither saw Daryl and Hershel nor Rick. Looking around, there was only Carol at the gate. I walked to the car Rick had driven to the meeting and opened the trunk. When I looked into the open car I scolded for being such a dump girl. Why hadn't I hid in here when they had prepared to leave for the meeting? It was too late now, but I couldn't believe I lost my brilliancy for stupid ideas. It could have been so easy … Sighing I took the four guns out of the trunk and walked back in.
It had taken some time and Daryl wasn't back yet. Instead Maggie and Carl stood at the table loading the last few guns. "You've seen Daryl?" I asked them, but they shook their head. Maggie gave me a weird look that startled me.
"He's talking to Glenn." She finally said. Why was she behaving like it was a bad thing? Was it because of Merle? I didn't care about that cretinously man. I had so many questions about the meeting, and needed to talk to Daryl badly. It wasn't just the urge to know what had happened while Rick had been talking to Mr. Madness. I needed to see him. Since yesterday, since the kiss, I wanted to feel him again. Yesterday we had returned in silence and before we had walked through the gate, he had touched my cheek and looked me deep in the eyes. The gesture had assured me that it hadn't been a dream.
Daryl and the others weren't outside, so they must be somewhere in here. I went into a cell block and all I saw was cotton all over the place. I heard the sound of tearing linen and looked up. Another cotton cloud floated slowly to the ground. Going upstairs, Merle was sitting on the floor of a cell, tearing a mattress open. "The playboys are in cellblock X." I joked.
He smiled at me. "Best dope I ever had was under the mattress of my cell mate."
"Ah … I wondered when you would come up with your prison stories." I slowly walked towards him, not really knowing if he'd already found some dope. Merle had never been a good dialog partner when he had been high. I had learned that the hard way. I stopped in the doorway to search his eyes, but they were clear, no hint of a reddish glint.
"Why do ya expect good ol' Merle to be a con?" There was sweat on his forehead. He must be exhausted from the search.
"Don't know … maybe because of your juvie behavior." I smiled.
"Ha …" He let out a short laugh. "Those were the days. In juvie was the first time I had a well-ordered life, warm meals and a warm bed."
The way he was sitting, one hand chopped off, and sweat all over his body, I felt sorry for him. Maybe he would have been a great guy. "What have you done?" I tried to imagine him in normal cloth, a whole and clean shirt, blue jeans, and a shiny smile …
"Stole a car. Bullying. Threatened a guy with a water pistol … Pick something!" He ripped the mattress more open. "They always found something to lock me up."
"And you have always been innocent." The sarcasm was more than noticeable.
"If Pa wouldn't have beaten me up as if I had been the devil, I …" It was as if he had realized he began to open up. He stopped in mid-sentence and spat to the ground. "To hell with that bastard." I was caught between being shocked and moved. It was the first time I felt like talking to real Merle. So there was a man behind the mask of a nasty pervert.
I decided it was safe around him and sat down in the doorway. "No happy memories, hm?" I regretted to say my thoughts out loud.
"Hell compared to ya peach pink prom party called life."
"Easy to say …" I thought about the day my brother died.
"I'm not gonna run to solace."
"Never thought you were a comforting person." What an exchange of blows.
"What could possibly turn ya'r annoying cheerful nature down?!" Now his sarcasm was more than noticeable.
"You mean besides the governor and his men?" I gave him a fake laugh.
"Sorry …" Did I hear wrong? What did he apologize for? Merle sat back and laughed. This time he didn't seem angry nor mad … he looked desperate. "This place seemed to have been no fun at all."
"That's what you call fun?" I looked to the torn mattress. He wasn't saying anything so I tried again to convince him to play along. "This could still work … If you could only adjust … apologize …"
"They are looking at me like I'm the devil!" He interrupted me, skyrocketed, grabbed my arm and pulled me up. "All of you did the same things I did." I tried to break free but he drew me closer. "I almost killed you. You want me to apologize to you too?" His voice was suddenly harsh, but at the same time he looked at me the way Daryl looked at me. Seemed there wasn't only one man behind that mask. Maybe he didn't know himself who he really was.
"I don't care what you did or will do to me man. I am not afraid of you." But fear was the only thing I felt in this very moment. His furious eyes didn't change. Where did all this hate come from? Seconds ago he was all calm emotional talking. I knew Daryl was the only topic that could calm him down, so I tried it again. "You're brother returned. We are all alive." I carefully touched his good arm which still held me tight.
"But how long bad ass?" His eyes pierced through mine … if looks could kill I was dead seconds ago. "We both know it's only a question of time. Ya're ready to kill the governor, but ya ready to face his army. Innocent people, actual human beings, not biters." His grab hurt and my skin around his fingers already changed into a weird white color. "Are you poised to kill people?"
"I am." I said with total conviction.
He laughed. "Ya're a small girl who needs to be pampered. That's what ya are." I knew Merle, but this wasn't him. The niceness in his voice wasn't him. "Ya're not ready to kill."
"I have done it before. Why should I now make a difference between people who tortured me and people who'll try to kill my family?"
"He told me …" He let go off me. Merle's behavior was changing like that of a girl having the curse: Nice – mean – annoying – nice again – somehow compassionate – very mean. "When we had come back from a run, we were all gathered in his cozy apartment." At first I thought he was talking of Daryl, but his last words were full of aversion. "We were drinking on what we had brought back, military equipment and lots of alcohol. Martinez was boozed man." He laughed to himself, but it wasn't a happy one. "Governor was drunk my ass … told me he had a girl not long ago." My mouth suddenly dried out. I wasn't even able to say a word. "Best ride he ever had. Pissed himself laughing." Please, don't go on … was all I wanted to say, but my body hurt and I just shook my head. "It had been ya ass he was talking about, hmm?" Merles voice was lost and somehow compassionate, as if he felt sorry for me. I touched my back where I had a tattoo I had never wanted.
I didn't realize I had wet eyes until I shed a tear. "I told you to never mention …"
"… your tattoo?!" He touched my ass and I squeaked. "I do remember." He whispered in my ear. Suddenly he pushed me out of the cell and I followed his gaze. Rick stood on the stairs and looked at us. The look in his eyes made me forget mad Merle, his words and his touch. I didn't like the look in Rick's eyes lately, didn't like the way he talked to us lately. He had been the leader, maybe still was our leader, but the death of his wife had changed him. And every day he changed to the worse.
I looked back to Merle who had sat down in the cell again. "Go woman." He said loudly. Thinking about his hand on my ass made me shiver.
I turned and passed Rick on the stairs. I was confused about Merle once again. "Are you okay girl?"
I wondered why he talked to me like that. He seemed doomed, his eyes somewhere else. He looked just like I had looked like back then … lost. "I should ask you that." I countered. There was still a part in me that hated him for what he had done. I tried to lock that part out, but when I saw Rick it always screamed in my head to dislike him.
He grabbed my shoulder. "We will kill the governor, end this once and for all." His voice was determining. Before I could nod, he patted my shoulder and walked on. I watched him how he went to Merle's cell and leaned on the door case. Whatever they would talk about it wasn't my business and all I wanted was to talk to Daryl.
On my way back to the others I finally crossed Daryl's way. My face lit up and my lips formed a smile. To see him made me forget about Merle and Rick. "Hey there." My heart began to beat faster.
Without a warning, Daryl grabbed both of my shoulders. He almost pushed me against the all, looking at me like I was a walker. He wanted to speak up, but never did. Suddenly his grab loosened and he shoved me aside, as if he couldn't bear to look at me. His eyes mirrored hurt.
"What happened?" I asked afraid. I touched his arm but he flinched in a weird way. "Dar' …" I started, but he walked on, leaving me alone in the tunnel. What the heck had happened?