Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Naruto.

A/N- Alright, got this done in two weeks! Happy Doomsday! (It's a strangely appropriate day for this chapter to be posted…)

Chapter Eight- To Be Afraid of the Dark

The first weeks at Hogwarts passed in a tense daze. No more missing-nin appeared, and Kakashi, mindful that his ninken couldn't keep this up forever, decreased patrols after the first few days. It was risky, but also the only way to lure in more missing-nin. The ANBU's mission was to kill as many as possible, after all.

Classes were going about how Kakashi had expected. He'd dropped Divination after the second class. History of Magic was pointless and Astronomy he already knew. Care of Magical Creatures was rather dull, but probably too dangerous to let Harry alone in. As for the other classes Kakashi was almost second year level. Hermione had insisted on tutoring him to get him up to speed, something he didn't want to admit had been very helpful. Defense Against the Dark Arts was interesting, but the "dangerous" creatures they dealt with were child's play. Transfiguration and Charms had battle potential once he got good enough at them, while Herbology and Potions had their medical uses.

The academics were easy, but like when he was at the Academy it was the "people" part of school that was the problem. It seemed like everyone was asking him questions about any number of topics, from his hair to his dog to his home to his accent. And if the student body was bad, then Harry, Ron, and Hermione were worse. They talked to him all the time, though he could tell they were still a bit suspicious of him. Yet it was his mission to stick close to them, and Kakashi berated himself for complaining. Why was it that he found a few curious teenagers more trouble than enemy ninja?

Maybe it was how much they reminded him of people who were dead.

With the huge amount of free time he suddenly had, too often Kakashi found his bored mind wandering. Too often he had to push away thoughts of the past, each time more difficult than the last. During his year in ANBU the Jonin had learned to block out everything about those people. But ever since he'd arrived in this new world, or more specifically fought the Dementor, that barrier started stretching and tearing.

Kakashi hated it. Every errant thought about them brought with it a stab of pain he could do without. Sometimes he even thought about her, which was worse than any of the others combined. Why couldn't he just go back to ANBU? Then he wouldn't have the time or the strength to think about those things; life was easier there. The prospect of nine whole months stuck at Hogwarts was unbearable. He found himself wishing that more missing-nin attacks would break the monotony.

Two weeks into the school year, however, things took a turn for the worse.

It started the afternoon before with an ominous sensation in his gut, as if subconsciously he knew what day it almost was. By nighttime he couldn't get the date out of his mind. Taking a double dose of sleeping pills just to get some sleep, Kakashi just hoped that tomorrow would pass quickly so he could get on with his life.

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"Dumbledore, I would like to have a word with you."

The old wizard stilled his quill and looked over his glasses. "What's troubling you, Severus?"

"You know very well," scoffed Snape.

"That I do. In fact I'm surprised you tolerated it this long. He's been here for two weeks already."

"And it only took him one day to kill a man! I've always trusted your judgment, you know that, but this is over the line. How far is your little experiment going to go?" demanded Snape.

"It's more than just an experiment, Severus. I'm giving him an education, and Harry some much-needed protection. I-"

"You think you can help him, don't you? That's foolish talk and you know it. He's a shinobi, not some troubled child who only needs a lemon drop and a pat on the head. Even you can't fix a murderer!"

"Severus, you've been prejudiced against him since he arrived. What happened all those years ago has nothing to do with Kakashi," said Dumbledore testily.

"It has everything to do with him! You weren't there during the war, Dumbledore! You didn't see what those shinobi-"

"I know enough! You're not the only one who's met shinobi before, Severus. They aren't as evil as you think."

"But you've also seen the body that boy dragged back from the forest. Despite what farce the shinobi may have shown you, that is what Kakashi is. A killer! And you invite him into a school, treat him like just another student. Are you that blind?"

"I'm well aware of how shinobi are-" countered Dumbledore, but Snape interrupted him, his voice rising louder as he spoke.

"It couldn't have escaped your notice the kind of person he is, either. Brilliant. Anti-social. A fair bit of study in shadier topics. Complete devotion to his tasks. Even the Sorting Hat nearly put him in Slytherin. Reminds me of a certain student you once had, Dumbledore. Do you deny it? Kakashi is exactly like Voldemort!"

There was tense silence for a moment. Then Dumbledore quietly spoke.

"I admit that I regret ever letting Tom Riddle in the doors of this school. He had potential, huge potential, to do both tremendous good or evil. I failed once. Now I'm given a second chance at helping another troubled, brilliant boy. I'm determined not to fail again; bringing him here is a risk I'm willing to take."

"You're delusional, Dumbledore. If you had taught Tom Riddle for a hundred years, there was no changing how he would've turned out. What makes you think Kakashi won't go that road as well?"

"Only time will tell, I suppose. But I think deep down… Kakashi isn't bad. He's just had a very hard life at a very young age. All he needs is some time away from that world."

Snape eyed the older man, then growled in anger. "I see there's no stopping you. Just remember that I warned you- that boy is heartless. Don't blame me when you wake up with your throat slit."

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Don't think about it.

That was quickly becoming the theme of the day. Don't think about when, or what, or who, or why.

It was September fifteenth.

Apparently his inattention showed in his Potions class that day. Pity, too- they were making a potion that numbed skin, something he might actually use. Snape passed by, scowled at his potion, and continued on. The man had largely ignored him, but Kakashi could feel the barely-contained hatred just below the surface. Too bad, because he was actually rather good at potions. Once he had the hang of it they were just following directions, something he had plenty of practice with. Besides he had mixed medical balms all the time with his mother before she died.

Next was lunch. Kakashi spent an unnecessary amount of effort concealing his face for the distraction of it, but in the end couldn't stomach more than a few bites.

"Are you alright, Kakashi?" asked Hermione. "You seem a bit off today."

"I'm fine. I just didn't sleep well," he fake-smiled. Lying had always been a strong suit of his. Though the ladder part was true; even with all his sleeping pills, his nerves kept him awake almost the whole night. And when he did sleep, there were only nightmares. And no wonder, considering what day it was.

Over the years Kakashi had learned that there were several advantages and disadvantages to being a genius. He could kill more efficiently and at a younger age. He completed missions more successfully, promoted earlier.

His pinpoint memory and natural analytical attention to numbers and dates, on occasion, made life Hell.

It was September fifteenth. His fourteenth birthday.

Exactly a year ago today… what did it matter? One hundred lifetimes would never change what happened. He couldn't-

Professor Lupin was late to Defense against the Dark Arts that day. When he arrived it was only to say that today would be a practical lesson; only wands were needed.

Practical lesson might mean slight danger. Keep the students safe, but don't reveal your skills. That was an automatic response, but it was a detached reaction; distant like everything else was that day.

They made their way downstairs to the staffroom, only interrupted by a short confrontation with the small, troublesome ghost. The staffroom was long and scattered with mismatched furniture- armchairs, tables, and a wardrobe that smelled strongly of dust and something else strange. Snape was there when they arrived. After looking over the class with a sneer, he settled into a chair out of the way, assumedly to watch.

Lupin stood next to the wardrobe, which shuddered.

"Don't worry," the teacher smiled, "There's only a Boggart in there."

"Boggarts like dark, enclosed spaces. Under beds, in desks, even in grandfather clocks. This one moved in last night and I asked the headmaster if he would leave it to give my third years some practice. Now you may be wondering, what exactly is a boggart?"

Hermione put up her hand. "It's a shape shifter. It takes on the shape of the thing you fear most."

"Perfect. So the boggart in the wardrobe has not yet assumed a shape…"

He focused on what Lupin was saying as best he could. The spell to defeat them required a happy memory- happy? On a day like this? Even on a good day that was hard. He'd been proud before, accomplished, but happy? What could he use… the day he became a Genin? No. Chunnin? No, that was when he killed that girl. His Jonin promotion? Absolutely not. Maybe, maybe… When he got Pakkun? That would have to do.

The class lined up, him at the back right behind Harry. At the other's boggarts, Kakashi felt a moment of contempt. Snape, a spider, a snake, a clown for Kami's sake, and not even half of the class had gone yet. This is what civilian's nightmares were full of? Fairy tales and bats? What Kakashi would give to have nightmares like those.

As the shinobi neared his way to the front of the excited jumble of students, for a brief moment he wondered what his greatest fear would be. It could be- no. They were already dead. Enemy ninja? The Kyuubi? Perhaps nothing would happen. He was a shinobi, a tool with no fear.

In front of him it was Harry's turn. He held his wand resolutely. The boggart warped, and-

Shit. A Dementor. Kakashi yanked Harry back by the robe, faced the Dementor's cold, but then-

Everyone always told him it wasn't his fault. Shinobi were tough, the toughest there were, but they had a heart too, much as they tried to deny it. Against what he saw… no one else blamed the white-haired boy for losing his cool. No one but himself, though deep down even he knew he never really stood a chance. Because no matter how much Kakashi braced himself, no matter how long he trained, not in a thousand years could he be prepared for what- for who- snapped into existence in front of him.

His wand clattered delicately to the ground, entirely forgotten.

No.

Two steps forward, then hesitation.

Impossible.

It- it because Kakashi wouldn't, he couldn't think of it as a person- stood uncertainly. One hundred familiar things- the uneven lock of hair, soft breath, bitten-down fingernails, earthy chakra, slight tip of the head. Thin scar on a pale hand. Worn edge of a kunai pouch. Smell like a flower garden in summer. Bright, beautiful, alive brown eyes looked straight into his.

It wasn't. It wasn't. It-

"Rin."

She smiled.

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Snape was testing a theory. If Kakashi's boggart was the boy's own dead body, if his worst fear was his own selfish death, then he would be correct. Kakashi was just like Voldemort, and should be killed as soon as possible. Dumbledore wouldn't do it, but Snape would. He'd seen shinobi's work during the First Wizard War. He'd seen the death and ruthless carnage. Someone like that, worse than even Death Eaters- the destruction could be endless.

But Kakashi's fear was not his own death.

His fear was, in fact, the same as Snape's fear.

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All he could see was her. All he could hear was her soft breath. All he could feel was the overwhelming familiarity of her chakra signature.

Rin.

Kakashi's hand reached out to her of its own accord. It was her. Rin, who he thought was lost forever. Rin, who was buried in the ground. Rin, who he would never see again.

And he was… happy. Just happy to see her.

Only an illusion, but Kakashi had forgotten that.

From the tip of his outstretched finger, a tiny spot appeared on Rin's chest. Her expression turned to terror.

Blood blossomed into the material of her shirt.

His heart turned to ice.

"No-"

Time crawled, and seconds passed like hours. The stain spread and widened. Lips turned a garish red. The air was thick with the scent of it. Blood collapsed in on itself, sinking deeper into her chest. Then the sound- a familiar sound. Bone snapping loudly, muscle rending and blood squelching as an invisible attack pushed a hole through Rin's heart.

Dark blood- far too much blood- dripped neatly onto the stone floor in round splatters- drip, drip, splash. Skin cooled. Eyes dulled. Excruciatingly slowly, she fell to the ground with a slap, like any other he'd killed.

Just. Like. Everyone. Else.

He could feel it, like he had a hundred times before. His hand, slicing and breaking through a body. The warmth that bled up his sleeve. The deafening the sound of her blood flowing and stilling.

Chidori- his attack.

His hand, as it crushed Rin's life away. Coated with her blood, sticky, putrid smelling like her death. All at once Rin had evaporated, so easily killed-

Could this… be how she died?

Kakashi couldn't handle it; suddenly he couldn't bear the sight of her. It sickened him, how all his memories of her, all the feelings, how much Kakashi cared, how it could all be destroyed so easily. There she was, Rin, his Rin, dying, and all he could do was stand there and hate himself. Yet he couldn't take his eyes off her.

"RIDIKIULUS!"

She vanished. Rin was gone just as quickly as she had appeared. Gone again.

For a moment everything stopped. Then Kakashi fled.

Blind to anything and everything, the boy half-ran to the door, the crowd parting quickly. Past students, teachers, doors, windows- it didn't matter. When the castle was far behind him, finally he let himself fall to the forest floor.

Rin had loved him, he knew that with all his heart and soul. She had loved him, and how did he repay her? By letting her die! He hadn't been good enough for her, never would be. Kakashi was a flawed, awful person who never deserved someone as wonderful as Rin.

Then in the end, he couldn't even protect her.

"DAMMIT!" A tree cracked and splintered where he punched it. But it wasn't really anger he felt. Guilt and self-hatred yes, but mostly fear, terror that chilled him to the core. Rin was so real. It was all so real. So plausible, so easy. What if… What if…? The question had quietly tormented him for what seemed like years. Somehow he'd pushed it away, over weeks and months built a thin wall around that part of his mind, around Rin. Now, with that dam shattered like glass, all the emotions came rushing back.

Without really knowing why, Kakashi pulled his tanto shakily out of its sheath. It had been broken when Obito died. But now, only a slightly discolored seam remained of the break. One year ago it had been fixed- but he didn't know how. Shaking slightly, he stared at it like it would give him answers he so desperately needed.

But the blade stayed silent, leaving only fear.

Rin was dead. That was a fact, but her death wasn't what he feared.

What he feared… he'd kept that blocked away in his mind, aware of it, yet desperately avoiding letting the thought take form.

The memory still haunted him, of the mission where Obito died. He'd left Rin to be captured and interrogated. What if he had done it again?

What if Kakashi… had killed her?

Because just he couldn't-

One year ago.

Pain. That was the first thing he remembered.

Dim light filtered in from a hall through a barred window. The cell was stone, dark and cold. His hands were shackled with chains to the ground. Everywhere hurt; his side, arms, shoulders, leg. His clothes were torn and dirty, and blood seeped through the tears.

With every breath came more pain, like he would suffocate at any moment. Kakashi's mind raced. Captured… he was captured?

The door rattled, and Kakashi flinched. With a bang it slapped open.

"Thank heavens… I thought you were dead." It was Minato-sensei, sighing hugely in relief.

"Sen… sei?" Kakashi managed a whisper, his dry throat protesting. He tried to sit up and found he was exhausted.

"Don't move," said Minato. He broke the chains of his shackles with a kunai.

"I'll get the cuffs later. We have to get out of here, Kakashi. Can you stand?" The young Jonin pushed himself up the wall, wavered, and blacked out.

By the time he was conscious enough to realize where he was, they were already outside. Minato-sensei was carrying him through the trees.

"Sensei…" Talking seemed a huge effort. "Where am- Ah!"

Pain lanced through his uncovered left eye and he muffled another yell. In a second Minato had set him on a tree branch. Kakashi took huge, panicked breaths and held his eye with his hands. Obito's eye! What was wrong with it? Warm liquid dribbled through his fingers- blood. After a moment the stabbing pain ebbed.

"Don't try to open your eye again. Just relax. I can get you to a medic soon." Sensei spoke calmly, but his voice was tinged with stress.

A medic… he must mean Rin. Rin- was she safe? Where was she…?

Wait. When had he seen her last?

"Sensei- when… where's Rin?"

Minato was silent for a moment. "We brought her back to the village. I'm… sorry I couldn't get there faster."

"That's alright." Kakashi muttered, right eye closing. He was exhausted. "I know how it is. The elders probably kept you cooped up, right?"

"That's no excuse! I'm your teacher; I'm supposed to protect you! This is all my fault!" Kakashi glanced up, confused. Sensei never shouted, and getting caught wasn't that big a deal.

"It's alright, really, sensei. I've been captured before. All that matters is that you came. I'm a little bit hurt… but Rin can fix me up."

Minato froze.

"… What did you just say?"

"I said Rin can heal me, so I'm fine. Though my head is killing me." Kakashi managed a half-laugh. He'd never seen sensei like this. What was wrong?

"I didn't give any information to the enemy, did I? I don't think I…" Kakashi trailed off. Something was wrong, he could sense it. What could it be? He couldn't have been missing for too long. It hadn't been more than a few days since he was… where had he been last?

Then his scattered brain realized.

"Wait, I can't-"

Kakashi's breath squeezed out of his lungs. His eyes stretched wide. An awful feeling welded in his chest, his blood froze. His mind raced, but every moment only confirmed the terrible truth.

"I can't… remember. I can't remember anything! How did I get here? What day is it? How long have I been gone?"

Fear shot through his body; Kakashi almost couldn't ask the next question.

"Sensei, where's Rin?"

There were spots in his vision.

"We brought her back to the village. I'm… sorry I couldn't get there faster."

It couldn't be. No!

"You've been missing for nine days." Sensei's voice was quiet.

"Rin has been dead for eight."

September 14, 3:30- 3:45 PM

Last confirmed sighting of Nohara Rin, Outpost 76, northern Fire Country.

September 14, 6:00-6:15 PM

Last confirmed sighting of Hatake Kakashi, Outpost 76, northern Fire Country.

September 15, 4:00-5:00 AM

Estimated Time of Death of Nohara Rin.

September 23, 11:00 AM

Successful rescue of Hatake Kakashi from an unknown facility in Tea country.

Three weeks of Kakashi's memory was gone. His only clue- his fixed tanto, found near Rin's body.

He feared what he couldn't remember.

Rin had died, he had been there. But Hatake Kakashi, genius, child prodigy and pride of the ANBU Black ops, had been helpless to save her.

The girl he maybe even… loved.

Word Count- 3,652 words

A/N- The boggart scene was the first part of this story I ever wrote. Originally it was Kakashi's father, but as the story grew it became Rin. To you manga readers, I'll just say this- I've had Rin's story written since before that fateful chapter, so any similarities are just creepily coincidental.

Review please- especially this chapter. You could say it's the hinge on which this story swings. And if there are problems, I kind of need to know them now. What you think I did right is also helpful.

And thank you again to all you reviewers! As of this chapter I'm at 168 reviews! You are all wonderful. Shout out to all you regular reviewers- authors notice who reviews every chapter, believe me.