Hey guys. Ella is back again. The prison is down ... a new chapter will begin.
Enjoy reading. R&R :o)

The first day had went by in the blink of an eye. I hadn't felt like talking and merely moved. Merle had insisted to wait at the bridge for the day and so we had stayed. We had already been here for three days now. Jess had retold us what he had seen: He had seen Daryl running with Beth and then going down in an explosion. There had been no chance he could have survived it. After the explosion he had only seen Beth running on – without Daryl. I knew Beth would never have gone without Daryl … She wouldn't leave someone behind. Jess had to retell the story to me again and again. I had wanted to know if there could have been even the slightest chance that Daryl had survived … but in the end Merle had screamed at me. He hadn't want to hear about it anymore. Everything was getting worse, the only thing that was getting better was my health.

In my head I had replayed enough "what-if"-scenarios to make me crazy. What if I hadn't let Daryl go to find Tyrese? What if I had went with Phillip in the wood? What if I hadn't run into the yard to kill Phillip? What if … But there was no point in "what-ifs", no point in thinking it over and over again. I had been between crying and not believing he could be dead. I was a mess going crazy. On the one hand I couldn't believe he was dead and on the other hand Jess saw him going down …

I had fallen silent ever since. Like all the other times when I had lost someone close, I felt like a lifeless shell. In my mind I replayed the situation over and over to finally conclude that I couldn't accept that Daryl was dead. I just didn't feel it …

What is there to feel? You wanna have him in your head too?

I was already imagining my brother again … that was quite enough for my head. But still … the emptiness in my heart hurt. Like someone had cut a hole in my heart, leaving me bleeding to death. A well-known coldness returned.

Why can't you be strong and powerful like before? You have endured pain and suffering and in the end you had always stood up … now you should rise like a phoenix from the ashes … Even Daryl had meant the world to you – by the way: I told you so – you should care about the others too. What about your best bro Glenn … and Maggie. She had lost her father. What about Carl? Is he alive? And your new friend Michonne … Swallow the pain sis, this is not the end. It might feel like it, but I am here for you. You have Merle and … that other guy.

Was he right? But we hadn't seen a human being for days. Someone of our group had to have run our way too, why hadn't we seen anyone of our friends yet? I couldn't believe my brothers words and didn't feel like a phoenix at all. Everything's screwed. I laughed ironically at his words, talking me into being strong when I had lost someone I love – again. I wanted to know where and how the others were doing, but I couldn't move my legs. My heart and my body felt numb. All the thinking had made me unmoveable, had made me frozen to the point.

I had been sitting on the same car since we got here, only had left my spot to pee or sleep at the fire. I hadn't want to talk, hadn't want to feel. Just started the direction where I thought the prison was. Why wouldn't there be an end to this?

Like what? Die too? Kill yourself? You think that is what Daryl would have wanted? You need to be strong now.

For what? He wasn't around anymore. He never would be close again … my thoughts failed to go on and a low sob escaped my lips. Why had I been running into the yard? Why hadn't Daryl followed me, why had it been Merle? I was ashamed to think like that. I closed my eyes for a long moment before I opened them again.

Eventually the night finally came upon us like a cooling blanket. I was still sitting on my spot on one of the cars, staring into the woods. I looked back over my shoulder. Merle had made a fire again and sat next to it. Was he shivering? I should ask him how his wound was, how he felt, but I wanted to be left alone. Man, I was selfish … He had lost his brother again and this time it was forever.

Or just handling the situation your way.

Still … I didn't think of my companions. While Merle and I were not talking and just looking out for friends, Jess was the only one moving around, killing walkers who got too close.

Are you ignoring me? Yes I was! When you stay here how will you know where the others are?

I closed my eyes, resting my head on my knees. "Where have you been?" I had been ignoring him pretty well, but now that I had a question – the question that I had wanted to ask since I had heard him again – there was no answer. At first I had felt lonely without the voice in my head. But at some point I had felt okay, like not being crazy anymore.

You are not crazy. I had always been there.

"Liar." I tried to shut him out again, to suppress the voice. I wanted to be left alone with my pain.

I am here for you. A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved.

I whipped off tears I hadn't felt running down my cheeks again and laughed lowly. Nothing could ease the pain, nothing could halve it and no one could share it. Looking up to the trees again, it was already too dark to see. I could merely locate the first row of trees. The feeling of totally devastation was slowly fading. At some point my brother was right, sitting here wouldn't change anything.

Suddenly a hand was on my shoulder. "Hey." Jess tried to sooth me in a calm voice. "Come over, I found some leftovers." His voice was dazzling my thoughts.

Is he trying to food-poison you?

I didn't move, my eyes lingered on the trees in the distance. "You have to eat something." Jess tried again. Still I made no attempt to turn to him. "Ella, it hurts to see you like that."

I closed my eyes again. "You have no idea how …" I started but didn't want to say Daryl's name aloud.

"I know how you feel. I have felt the same way when I couldn't find you at your apartment."

Is he trying to hit on you?

I sighed, ignoring both of them. All I wanted was Daryl, again tears formed in my eyes. I needed to burry all my feelings deep down, where I stored the old memories of my happy childhood. Where I kept the image of Daryl's face hidden. I didn't want to feel the pain in my heart anymore, didn't want to feel all lost. I had wanted to die, but still some part of me couldn't believe he was dead.

"I am so sorry." He talked on and I finally turned around without looking at him. I walked over to the fire and sat down opposite of Merle. The fire was warm, but it wasn't warming myself. I grunted, this feeling was way too familiar. The coldness I had known before, when I had felt lost, grew stronger.

Jess was quick at my side. "Why do I feel like you blame me for what had happened?"

"I don't … I honestly don't blame you for any of it. You haven't spread a deathly virus, you haven't killed my friends and you haven't killed Daryl." When I said Daryl's name Merle looked up to me. To say his name hurt. "Nothing of this is your or our fault."

"Ya finally waking up badass?" Merle hissed across the fire. "The last days ya have been staring at the tress like in a delirium."

Maybe I wasn't completely losing it because the two of them were with me. "We need to go back. Maybe someone is waiting at the prison." Now I wondered why we had stayed here for three days, we could have gone back and check. Why had I let them linger here for days? Maybe Daryl was just hurt and needed help. Seemed I really was awakening of some sleeping-beauty-shitty-delirium.

At some point you have to accept it. You can't live in a dream.

"I want to go back as bad as you want to, but that guy's wound needs to be treated." Jess pointed at Merle. "We need to find some meds and a place to sleep without freaking out every second."

Merle sniffed. "Ain't gonna die of a cut." But his voice was somehow without force.

"I am going back." For the first time in the last three days I felt like I had a clear head again. Maybe Merle had been right, I had been in some kind of delirium, shutting everything out, only thinking of Daryl. But maybe that was the only way to survive, to shut it all out. "You guys'll wait here."

Yeah sure. Again I tried to ignore the mocking voice of my brother. Like any of these guys would leave you go there alone.

"No way are you going alone anywhere." Jess replied. "The place is gone, overrun. When I left I barely made it. I was lucky the walkers were distracted by the corpses lying around."

I told you so. I could feel the smile in his voice.

"No chance ya'll go without me." Merle laughed. "Put ya ass down. It's night anyways."

But I didn't sit down. You should better listen sis. Stick with them and you'll survive.

"I've got to check … Daryl would do the same." You mean: Would have done. Ouch …

Jess looked suddenly as pained as Merle. "Ella …"

"I mean he would have checked if someone was alive." I insisted. "What about the bus … what was the plan? There must have been a plan where the bus might go, where to meet up."

Merle fiddled at the bandage on his arm, ignoring me. But I could see he was ready to get up if I would move. Seemed more likely no one had told him any plan. And Jess … if you would have known him before the apocalypse you wouldn't believe you were talking to the same guy right now. The apocalypse had changed him for the worse. I missed the bad-guy-turned-good attitude. The love I had seen before in his eyes … something was missing.

You are a sweet little daydreamer. I have always told you he was no good. Never liked that guy.

That his voice was back should have been a relief, but it pained me even more. The loss of Daryl had torn my heart apart, had given me the rest to be crazy again. Either way I could drown in self-pity and unknowingness or I could try to find the rest of my friends.

"Daryl won't be there." Jess whispered and Merle was immediately on his feet.

"How can you be so sure?" My voice broke down. All the encouraging thoughts I had just built up were blown away at once.

"I saw the explosion of the tank … There was so much blood." Jess looked to the ground. "Believe me, I want to go back too. I wanna know if the kids are alive, wanna know if …" His voice cracked, he was almost crying.

"Ain't no point in going back!" Merle suddenly sounded confident. Where was the strength in his voice now coming from?

"What?" I turned to him.

"If he had survived, he would have come here." Why was Merle suddenly talking as if Daryl was dead? Merle looked right into my eyes. "He would have come for ya."

"Merle, why …" I started. "What if he is hurt or injured …" Why had it never occurred to any of us that Daryl might be injured and needed help?

"If my baby brother is alive, he would have come here." He interrupted me. "He would never leave ya damn ass alone." Was there a tear in Merle's eye? Oh my god, was he believing that his brother was … did he really think …That Merle hadn't given up on Daryl being alive had somehow made me believe the same. Why did he give up now?

I screamed in pain. I just had to get the pain somehow out of my body … There was a rustling and walkers approached our fortress. I took my knife – Daryl's knife – and jumped over the car. The first walker was easy, already rotten to its bone. Without much strength I put my knife deep into its head. The next one was feisty. I pushed him back and when he came running at me again, I ran towards him too, my knife outstretched. I jumped towards him and my knife crushed deep into its skull, falling down on his face. I stood up when another one appeared. My vision was somehow blurry, tears were veiling my view.

What kind of emotional breakdown is this? Are you crazy!?

I took the knife out of the walker's head under me. When other the slurper was close, I kicked him to the ground and jumped on its head. My next victim was close. A male walker with brown hair and a beard similar to Daryl's. My heart stopped for a sec. The walker tried to grab me, but I pushed away his outstretched hands. He looked so much like Daryl … The tears streaming down my face only made my vison worse. I pushed him away again. I brushing of the tears, I saw him more clearly. But the clothes weren't Daryl's. He would never wear those kind of shoes. In the end, I kicked him to the ground like the other one. Knifing into his head again and again, while screaming away the pain.

Someone raised me up and Merle slapped me. "Shut up!" Again I saw tears hidden behind his eyes. "Are ya fuckin' crazy?!" He shook me.

I wanted to push him away, but he held me close. "Why didn't we go back?" I screamed.

"He made me swear to keep you away and safe." He yelled back.

"Since when do you listen …" I cried, quieter than before. Merle hugged me tight. He wasn't good with words so this was the only way he could support my grief. I leaned into him, closing my eyes. This world would never be the same … never …

The feeling of being lost is once again present ... but this time Ella is not alone and not in the company of assholes. Well more or less. I will update soon. Have a great day! xxx