The Space Between Us
Chapter 5 – Lies

Eddie ended up collapsing in a chair in the waiting room. He buried his head in his hands and cried for what felt like ages. Bill sat next to him the entire time, one of his hands firmly around Eddie's shoulders and his other on Eddie's knee. Bill alternated between asking what had happened and reassuring Eddie that everything would be okay.

Even though Eddie knew things would never be okay ever again. He knew Bill was simply trying his best to be positive, to give Eddie something to hold onto, but Richie didn't even know he was married to Eddie! Didn't even know that he and Eddie had admitted their feelings for each other a year and a half ago above the quarry in Derry.

"He doesn't remember me!" Eddie finally shouted in frustration, because he couldn't quite take anymore of Bill's reassurances. A couple of the other people in the waiting room stopped to look at him, but Eddie couldn't bring himself to care.

Bill tightened his grip on Eddie, but he didn't say anything. It felt like he might have been fumbling for words, but in the end, he waited for Eddie to go on.

"I mean, he does remember me," Eddie added hastily, rubbing at his face and drying his tears with this back of his hand. "He remembers when we were kids, but…not anything recent. He seems to think it's 2016 again." Eddie hung his head and let his hand drop to his lap, resting his elbows on his knees. He wrung his hands together as he said, "He's kind of vaguely aware that we fought the clown again, but doesn't remember any specifics about it or anything beyond that. Nothing about our relationship at all."

"Eds…" Bill said around a sigh, but his words seemed to die in his throat. He pulled Eddie closer to him, letting Eddie rest his head against his shoulder.

"He kept going on about the clown," Eddie said, because he needed to focus on something else for a moment before he lost his mind entirely. He forced out a laugh and added, "I think the doctor was seriously concerned about his sanity, so I tried to cover it up by telling her the clown is an inside joke between us." Eddie lifted his head slightly, just so he could see Bill out of the corner of his eye. "Just in case he keeps talking about it."

"Inside joke," Bill repeated, nodding. "How did he seem otherwise though? Any physical or mental impairments like the doctor talked about?"

Eddie shook his head. He sniffled a bit, because they were treading back into the territory that he didn't feel quite ready to confront just yet. "I don't think so. He did seem a bit irritable, but the doctor seemed to think that was normal. He's just confused about what happened and doesn't understand why he's in the hospital, or why I'm here." Eddie laughed again, an almost angry and bitter sound. "He doesn't understand why I'm here." He sat up more fully so that he could look Bill in the eye. "I told him we lived together, and…he seemed to forget about it a few minutes later. So…I don't know. There may be an issue with his memory."

Eddie frowned deeply, now well aware of the fact that he was rambling. Now that Bill had gotten him talking about it, Eddie couldn't quite bring himself to stop. It was what he did sometimes, and it was when he desperately felt Richie's absence. More and more over the last year and a half, Richie would hold him and kiss him whenever things got to be too overwhelming, and Eddie could feel his anxiety begin to melt away. Now he was left to deal with it on his own, and he wasn't sure what he would do if Richie never remembered their relationship. Remembered all the little things they would do for each other. All the little ways Richie could bring him down from a panic attack.

"Does…um, does the doctor think it's permanent?" Bill asked tentatively.

Eddie shook his head. "She said probably not. That we should surround him with familiar things and talk about the things that he's forgotten. She thinks it may help to stir his memories a bit."

"Then that's what we'll do," Bill said. "We'll talk about the clown some more and make the doctor think we're all a bunch of lunatics."

This managed to earn the smallest smile from Eddie as he continued to wipe at his eyes.

"I'm going to call the others and tell them they need to come," Bill continued. "It'll probably help his memory if he can talk to all of us. You can bring the photo album from your wedding-"

Eddie shook his head frantically. "I'm not going to do that to him. I already told the doctor, but no one is going to tell him we're married."

"But the doctor said-"

"I know what she said," Eddie cut Bill off, "but our wedding is off the table." Bill stared at him and Eddie asked, "How would you feel if you woke up in the hospital without any memory of how you got there? What if you had a woman – a beautiful woman like Audra telling you that she was your wife and you had absolutely no memory of her in that way? Tell me you wouldn't feel like the worst husband on the face of the earth."

Bill was quiet for a very long time before he said, "It isn't Richie's fault."

"I didn't say it was," Eddie replied, "but he doesn't know that. He doesn't understand why he's here or what happened to him, so I think he's going to feel guilty, even after everything is explained to him. I know how his mind works. He's confused enough as it is without finding out he's married to me." Bill opened his mouth to say something, but Eddie spoke over him. "I'm not going to do that to him, Bill."

"All right," Bill said slowly after a minute. "We won't tell him. Not if you don't want to."

"It's not that I don't want to," Eddie admitted, fighting to suppress the sob that threatened to escape him. He pressed a hand over his mouth and shut his eyes until the sensation passed. When he spoke again, he said, "God, I want nothing more than to tell him the truth, but I just feel like it would put more pressure on him than he needs right now. I mean, what if he doesn't even feel the same way about me anymore?" Eddie looked at Bill a bit desperately, his eyes wide.

Honestly, perhaps that was what Eddie was the most scared about in this entire situation. What if Eddie did tell Richie that they were married, and Richie looked at him like he was a lunatic? What if Richie laughed and thought the entire thing was a joke? What if Richie told him that he would never marry Eddie because he wasn't in love with him?

Bill, however, shook his head furiously. He moved both his hands to Eddie's shoulders and gripped them fiercely. "Don't think for one second that he doesn't still love you. He loves you desperately and this isn't going to change that."

"He doesn't remember anything about us and what if he never does?" Eddie asked helplessly. "What am I going to do, Bill?" Eddie slumped forward, burying his head in his hands. "He's my everything. What am I doing to do without him?"

"Eddie," Bill said, "he remembers. You told me when he confessed his love to you, he said he was in love with you since you were thirteen. Thirteen. He may not remember your actual relationship or your marriage, but he'll always remember how he feels about you. Feelings like that, feelings buried that deep don't just go away. It's why you two were still desperately in love with each other even after twenty years apart. Why you were able to fall back into your relationship so easily like you hadn't spent any time apart at all."

Bill was right about that much anyway. Perhaps the easiest thing Eddie had ever done was pick up his friendship with Richie right where they had left off. Why they were able to fall right back into the pattern of disguising their feelings for each other with jokes. The only thing Eddie had done in his life that had been easier was falling in love with Richie to begin with.

"In fact," Bill said, "I think Richie loved you way before that. Thirteen might have been when he realized it, but…he told me once that he didn't remember what it was like to not love you. That…it was a part of him just like breathing."

Eddie sat up, staring at Bill. "He said that?"

Bill nodded. "Yeah, he did."

It was nearly two o'clock in the fucking morning on the day of his wedding, and Richie was lying wide awake in his bed in the hotel that he and Eddie had picked out for the reception. In just a few short hours, he and Eddie would be exchanging their vows on the beach not far from the hotel, and Richie was scared out of his mind.

He and Eddie had been living together for six months, but their relationship was still so new. Technically, they'd been together for a year, even as Eddie had spent the first half of their relationship tying things up with Myra and his job in New York before moving to be with Richie in LA.

A part of Richie kind of still kept expecting Eddie to get sick of him and leave. To tell him that living together was way too much too soon, and that Richie was on his last nerve. But here they were on the morning of their wedding, and so far as Richie knew, the ceremony was still on. Richie knew that Eddie loved him, but he couldn't help but wonder if Eddie would really be there on the beach that afternoon. If Eddie would realize that being in a relationship was one thing, but living with him and marrying him was entirely another.

Richie flopped over onto his stomach and reached for his phone on the bedside table. He scrolled through his contacts, briefly hesitating on Eddie's name. In the end, he decided against disturbing Eddie, because knowing his fiancé, he was probably having his own mental breakdown. Not to mention, Beverly had told them it was bad luck to see or even talk to each other before the ceremony, and Eddie seemed to be taking that very seriously. Richie thought it was all just silly superstition, but if Eddie wanted to wait until the wedding, then Richie would honor his wishes.

Richie scrolled past the names of the other Losers before returning to Bill's name, because he was the one most likely to still be awake at this ungodly hour. Bill had been working on a new book idea, and he would often stay up late and write so he could get some work done while the rest of the world slept and left him in peace.

Tapping on Bill's name, Richie typed out a quick text message to him.

Richie (2:00 AM): Are you still awake?

Billiam (2:01 AM): You know it's physically impossible for me to sleep before three. What's up?

Richie (2:01 AM): Can't sleep. Does anyone before their wedding?

Billiam (2:02 AM): Apparently Audra said she slept like a rock, but I think she was lying. I didn't sleep a wink at any rate.

Richie (2:02 AM): Can I talk to you for a minute before I go fucking crazy?

Billiam (2:03 AM): Wanna meet where we had the party?

A few seconds later, Richie was grabbing his glasses from the bedside table before pulling on his pair of jeans from the previous day. He hurriedly slipped his sneakers on and ran his hands through his hair so he wouldn't look like he'd just rolled out of bed. Not that anyone (besides Bill) would probably see him though, considering how late it was. Richie grabbed his key card before leaving the room.

Richie still had his t-shirt on that he had been trying to sleep in, but when he got outside, he wished that he had grabbed a sweatshirt too. It was October first, and it got cold on the beach at night. He wrapped his arms around himself as he made his way down to the deck at the back of hotel where they'd had their pre-wedding dinner the night before.

Bill was already waiting for him, leaning over the railing and looking out over the ocean. At least Bill honestly did look like he'd been up all night, so at least Richie really hadn't disturbed him (except from writing his novel).

The moon was nearly full, hanging over the ocean and illuminating the rippling water with a million tiny diamonds of light. Richie almost wished Eddie was there with him, but they'd have all the time in the world to watch the moon that night.

"What's up?" Bill asked when he saw Richie approach.

Running his hands through his hair again, Richie joined Bill at the railing. Richie slumped onto it with his elbows and looked out over the ocean for a while before he said anything.

"Tell me I'm being ridiculous," Richie eventually said.

"Um, about what exactly?" Bill asked, turning his head to look at him. "Because, yes, you are ridiculous, but I doubt that's why you dragged me down here at two in the morning, is it?"

Richie huffed out a breath through his bottom lip, sending a lock of his hair off his forehead for a moment. "You're Eddie's best man."

"Uh huh," Bill replied, staring at Richie out of the corner of his eye. "It honestly took you this long to notice? Goddamn, you're smitten."

Richie could feel his cheeks grow warm despite the cool breeze blowing in off the ocean just then. It ruffled his bright yellow t-shirt and blew his hair off his forehead again. "No, but…Eddie's talked to you about me, right?"

Bill snorted. "Are you fucking kidding me? He doesn't shut up about you."

Trying not to grin, Richie diverted his face away from Bill's for a moment until the sensation passed. "Okay," he said, once he was looking at Bill again, "so you don't think he's going to stand me up, do you?"

Pushing himself away from the railing, Bill stood up straighter and turned to face Richie fully. "You're seriously asking that twelve hours before your wedding? Don't you think Eddie would have said something by now if he was having second thoughts?"

Hunching over even farther, Richie buried his head in his hands. "I was looking for reassurance. Not for you to ask me even more questions that I don't fucking know the answer to."

A moment of silence passed, and then Richie felt Bill's hand on his arm. He pulled one of Richie's hands away from his face and said, "Rich, look at me."

Richie bit at his bottom lip before he met Bill's eyes again.

"Listen to me," Bill said firmly. "Eddie told me not more than three hours ago that he couldn't believe he was only a day away from having everything he's ever wanted. Believe me, he loves you and he wants to marry you…I think more than he's ever wanted anything."

Richie wrung his hands together and asked, "He said that?"

Bill nodded. "Yeah."

Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, Richie looked out over the ocean, hoping that the serenity of it would help to calm him in some small way. "So I am being ridiculous."

"No, not ridiculous," Bill replied. "I think it's normal to have these kinds of fears and doubts before taking such a big step. It was for me anyway."

Richie stared down at his hands, pretending to be fascinated with the way he was twisting his fingers together so he wouldn't have to meet Bill's eyes. "Okay. 'Cause I love him so much, you know? Sometimes it's hard to believe he can feel as intensely about me as I do about him. I just…I've loved him for so long, I don't remember what it's like to not love him. It's…second nature to me now like breathing is. And…it's kind of second nature too to wonder if it's just me. If I'm the only person in the world that feels this way."

Bill rested his hand on Richie's shoulder before he said, "It's not just you. Because Eddie's just as crazy about you."

Richie returned to his room a little while later, feeling marginally better, but still going over his doubts in his mind. A moment later, however, a text came through on his phone that managed to assuage most of the rest of his fears.

Eds (2:31 AM): I know we're not supposed to talk to each other, but I love you and I can't wait to marry you. :)

Richie didn't reply, but he sat on the edge of his bed and stared down at his phone with a fucking goofy grin on his face that Eddie would probably make fun of him for. But goddamn it, he was happier than he'd been in his entire life.

Soon after, he'd laid down and sleep came easily to him after that.

It was hard for Eddie contain the tears building up in his eyes after that. It was a combination of imagining Richie being so fucking insecure just before their wedding and wondering if things would ever be like that between him and Richie ever again. Despite Bill's reassurances to the contrary, what if Richie's feelings for him were different and what if he only thought of Eddie as a friend now? What if he never remembered the things that he and Eddie and shared together over their very short year and a half together, and what if he didn't even remember his feelings for Eddie at all? Eddie didn't think he could deal with that; he couldn't handle having a taste of this idyllic life with Richie only to have it ripped away from him before he could scarcely even process it. He couldn't.

"I promise he still loves you," Bill told him, pulling Eddie out of his reverie. "He probably just thinks you two haven't admitted it yet, and now he's terrified of telling you his feelings all over again. I know…that was a shitty place for you two to be – still dancing around your feelings for each other – but I know they're still there. They're not going to just disappear."

"So what are you saying?" Eddie asked. "That I should just grab him, kiss him, and see what happens?"

"Not if it's going to make you uncomfortable, no. I just don't think Richie would be opposed to it. That's all."

Eddie forced himself to smile, but he wasn't feeling it, and he knew it didn't reach all the way to his eyes. He just didn't think he had the courage to make a move like that again, especially when it felt like it had taken every ounce of courage from his first forty years of life to kiss Richie the first time. Eddie couldn't bear making himself that vulnerable again, not when he still had so many doubts as to whether Richie's feelings for him had survived the attack or not.

It had only been a year and a half since he and Richie had been able to stop censoring themselves around each other, and it was exhausting thinking of going back to that. Going back to a time when he'd have to stop and think twice before reaching out for Richie's hand. Before hugging him from behind and pressing soft kisses to the back of his neck. Before waking up and immediately reaching out for his husband for some morning cuddles (and perhaps a bit more) before they had to get ready for the day.

Was Bill right? If Eddie just kissed Richie then and there would it…stir something in his mind and help him remember what he'd forgotten? Maybe, but Eddie simply couldn't bear the thought of Richie's reaction if it didn't. Would Richie stare at him like he was a lunatic and ask him what in the hell he was thinking? What if Richie said that he loved Eddie as a friend, but he didn't like him in that way?

Like they were kids all over again. Like the last year and a half had never happened. Like Richie's feelings had never happened.

There was no way in hell Eddie was going to risk being on the receiving end of a reaction like that again from Richie. At least not right now. Maybe once things were explained to Richie and he had a better idea of what had happened, Eddie would think about making a move again. Maybe.

Little did Eddie know that he was a long time removed from feeling that comfortable with Richie again.

True to his word, Bill called the rest of the Losers and told them that it would probably be for the best if they came LA. They promised that they would all be on a plane the following day, which made Eddie feel the tiniest bit better. Maybe Bill was right, and seeing all of the Losers together would jog something in Richie's mind.

Bill then called Jason, Richie's manager to let him know what was happening. Jason was already aware that something was going on given the fact that Richie hadn't answered his phone for three days and there were rumors swirling around on social media that Richie Tozier was in the hospital. Jason said he was about to stop at Richie and Eddie's home to find out what in the hell was happening, so it was good that Bill had finally called him.

Jason said he would put out a statement about Richie being involved in an accident, but he would keep the details to a minimum. Eddie thought it was better to release at least a little bit of information rather than let the unfounded rumors keep circulating. Rumors would still fly as fans tried to figure out exactly what was going on, but with a few facts to go on, hopefully they wouldn't get too out of hand. Eddie only hoped that they had made the right decision for Richie.

After finishing his phone calls, Bill rejoined Eddie where he was sitting in the waiting room. He had two cups of coffee and was holding one out for Eddie.

"Thanks, Bill," Eddie said as he accepted the steaming cup. Considering the fact that Eddie already felt frazzled beyond belief, he didn't know if coffee was the best thing for him right now, but at least holding the warm cup gave him something to do with his hands. The warmth between them also felt soothing in a way. "I don't know what I would do without you," Eddie added, blowing at his coffee.

"Hey," Bill said, placing his free hand on Eddie's back, "I'll do whatever you need me to, okay? Do you need me to call anyone else? What about your work, did you call them?"

Eddie nodded as he tentatively sipped at his coffee. Strangely, just feeling the hot liquid slide over his tongue and down his throat felt oddly calming to him. Maybe it was just for the simple fact that he was doing something as mundane as drinking coffee, because his life felt like it had taken a turn into absolute madness, and he had no idea when things would start to go back to normal for him. And Richie. If that ever even happened.

Gone were the stupidly simple days of clearing their calendars for the weekend so they could do dumb things like cuddle, and get on each other's nerves, and make love. Everything had taken a detour into the unknown, and Eddie was left wondering if he would ever have that ordinary life with Richie ever again.

"Yeah," Eddie told Bill, forcing himself to stop wondering about things that were beyond his control. "At least my boss is understanding about shit like this. She told me to keep her posted, but to take as much time as I needed. She'd make sure my work was covered for the foreseeable future."

"Good," Bill said, "because I was about to call her and give her a piece of my mind if she gave you a hard time."

Eddie smiled to himself as he took another sip from his coffee.

It was nearly another hour later when Eddie and Bill were being led back to Richie's room again. Richie had woken up and had apparently been asking for Eddie over and over again. That made Eddie feel the tiniest bit better – that Richie seemed to want him around after everything that had happened. Bill seemed a bit unsure about joining Eddie at first, but Eddie all but begged him to come, because he wasn't sure if he could handle seeing Richie so confused and irritable again by himself. At least the doctor thought Bill would be a good visitor for Richie to have right now, because it might help him to remember some things.

Richie was sitting up in bed with a small cup of water clutched tightly in his hands. It looked like he was trying very hard to remember something, and that he might have been hurting himself from the exertion. But when he saw Eddie enter, Richie's face immediately relaxed and he smiled.

"Eddie," Richie said, almost like the name was a mantra that Richie was using to calm himself. "I thought you went home and left me here."

"No," Eddie said, hurrying across the room to stand at the side of Richie's bed. "I'm here. I wouldn't leave without telling you. We were just letting you get some rest."

Bill was still standing by the door, like he didn't quite know what to do with himself, so the doctor took the initiative.

"Richie?" she asked. "Do you know who this is?" She gestured towards Bill.

Richie frowned deeply, and for a moment, Eddie almost thought that he didn't recognize Bill. Eddie's stomach dropped, because fuck, if Richie had problems remembering the other Losers, then Eddie was really concerned for his memory.

But then almost as quickly, Richie's frown was replaced with an expression of understanding. "Bill," he said quietly. "Another one of my best friends. Not sure what you guys are doing here though. Is it because I'm in the hospital? Is that why you're here?"

Eddie bit at his bottom lip uncomfortably, shifting from one foot to another. He wasn't even sure how to try and answer Richie's question, so he looked to the doctor for some guidance.

"Richie?" the doctor said again, laying a soft hand on his arm. "Do you remember I told you that you hit your head?"

Richie blinked and he said, "Yeah, I guess." Richie's answer was automatic, like he had absolutely no idea what the doctor was talking about. It was the same tone Richie used when he tuned Eddie out and really had no fucking clue what he was even answering. It didn't happen often, but it happened enough that Eddie recognized it.

"But you don't remember how that happened, do you?" Doctor Reddy asked.

Richie shook his head, but then he seemed to regret that. He stilled, closed his eyes, and opened his mouth in expression of pain.

"The painkillers we gave you will help with that in a bit," the doctor reassured him.

"I don't remember," Richie said, his voice almost coming out as a whine. It was the same way Richie sounded when he was sick and he wanted Eddie to bring him soup and tea, and tuck him into bed. He stared at Eddie helplessly, almost like Eddie would make everything make sense to him again.

"It's okay," the doctor said.

Eddie wanted to scream that it was most definitely not okay! Richie's eyes were wide behind his glasses, like a deer caught in headlights. It looked like didn't even know which way was up, and Eddie wanted to make it stop. He wanted nothing more than to wrap Richie in his arms, tell the doctor to leave him alone, and reassure Richie that everything would be okay.

But Eddie had no idea if it ever would be.

The doctor took a deep breath before she said, "Someone broke into your home and hit you on the head. That's why you're in the hospital. But you're doing just fine. You'll be fine."

Richie stared at the doctor and blinked at her several times like he was having trouble understanding what she was saying. Like her words didn't make any sense to him. Then Richie looked at Eddie, like Eddie was the only person in the room that added up to him.

"So it wasn't the clown," Richie said, his eyes going back and forth between Eddie and Bill. "I thought it was the clown." Richie giggled, that confused and lost sound like he had no idea what was even happening to him. When he seemed to finally collect himself, he asked, "Is that why you guys came to see me? Because I got attacked?"

"Rich…" Eddie began, but then he stopped, not sure if he should try and explain things further. He desperately wanted to reach out and grip Richie's hand, but he wasn't sure if the gesture would be welcome or not. Besides, he was too busy keeping his left hand along with his and Richie's wedding rings hidden in his back pocket. A moment later, Eddie felt Bill's hand on his shoulder, so he plunged ahead. "We live together. Remember I told you that? I came home and…I found you."

"Oh," Richie replied, and his voice was hollow, confused.

"But Eddie called me and told me what happened to you," Bill said, and Eddie was grateful for his initiative. "That's why I'm here. And the other Losers are coming too, because they're all worried. You remember them too, right?"

"Yeah," Richie said slowly, his eyes drifting off to stare at the hallway beyond the doorway. "Ben, and Bev, and Mike." He blinked, his gaze returning to Eddie. "Stan…he's…dead, isn't he?"

Eddie's heart clenched uncomfortably at Richie's words, but on the other hand, he felt a bit reassured that Richie remembered something that happened after Mike called them. "Yeah," Eddie whispered, trying his best to keep his voice steady. He lost all of his will power then, reaching out for Richie's hand. He resisted the urge to grip it too tightly, just it laying over top of Richie's. And then, was it Eddie's imagination, or did Richie seem to relax the tiniest bit once Eddie was touching him? Eddie hoped to god that it was true.

"Is…" Richie began, his eyes quickly darting to the doctor. When he looked at Eddie and Bill again, his voice was a whisper. "Is It dead? Did we kill It?"

At least it seemed like Richie now understood that he shouldn't be talking about the clown so openly around other people. That was a good sign too.

"Yeah," Bill replied. "We killed the shit out of It."

"Oh," Richie replied. "Okay, good." Richie had rested his head back against his pillow and was staring up at the ceiling.

The doctor officially looked like she was ready to commit them all, and Eddie had to suppress the urge to laugh. It felt good that Richie seemed to understand a little bit more about what had happened, and Eddie loved having 'inside jokes' between himself and the other Losers. It always made him feel accepted and included, something he had been searching for for most of his life.

When he returned his gaze to Eddie, Richie asked, "And then we moved in together?" There was that stupid giggle again, and why in god's name did he keep doing that? "I thought I drove you up the wall." There was a spark in Richie's eyes like he was on the verge of teasing Eddie even more over the fact that they lived together now, but just as quickly, it was gone. Richie was back to looking confused.

Eddie had to take a deep breath and swallow to find his voice. It fucking hurt to hear Richie so confused over the fact that they lived together, to not have any inkling that they had moved in together about six months after beginning their relationship together.

"Yeah," Eddie bit out, struggling to contain the sob that threatened to escape him again. "I…I divorced Myra, remember? You…you offered me a place to stay." It wasn't a complete lie, because both of those things had happened. Just not in the way Richie thought.

"Oh, yeah," Richie murmured. "Myra." Richie sounded slightly drunk again, and Eddie assumed it was probably a side effect of the painkillers they had given him. He was staring up at the ceiling again when he said, "I guess it's good you were there, huh?" Richie stared at Eddie again, and Eddie thought he could see the faintest glimmer of tears in his eyes. "That you came home and found me."

Eddie's bottom lip was quivering as he nodded. "Yeah," he gasped out. He could feel the sobs beginning to bubble up inside of him and he wasn't sure if he could keep them in any longer. He didn't want to cry in front of Richie, didn't want Richie to know how truly upset and hurt he was, but his only other option was to run from the room. All at once, Eddie's chest was heaving, because that image of Richie clinging to life and bleeding in their hallway was flashing across his mind. The huge puddle of blood that Bill had no doubt scrubbed the shit out of to make sure it didn't stain their floor.

"Hey," Richie murmured. His hand turned over in Eddie's grasp, and he was suddenly holding Eddie's fingers inside of his.

Eddie wanted nothing more than to hug and kiss Richie, to push away the stray curls of hair clinging to his forehead from his sweaty skin, but this would have to do. Richie holding his fingers would have to be enough.

"I'm okay," Richie said, and that made Eddie cry harder.

Richie was the one in the hospital! He was the one that needed to be reassured, but here he was, telling Eddie that he was fine. Just like it always was, because Eddie was a fucking mess, and Richie was his rock. Richie was the one who always made everything better in Eddie's life, even after he had nearly died and was in the hospital with a head injury. Eddie wasn't even strong enough to return the favor and be a rock for Richie right now.

Eddie could feel Bill's hand tightening on his shoulder, and that somehow made it even worse. Why did it always seem like he was the one falling apart under the stress of the situation, and why were they always picking him up after? Eddie hung his head in embarrassment as more sobs wracked his body.

"I'm okay," Richie said again, although he didn't sound like he entirely believed his own words. "Right, doc?"

"Yes," the doctor said, sounding ridiculously sure about it. At least someone was. "You're doing extremely well, Richie. You had a fractured skull and some brain swelling when they brought you in, but you're well on your way to recovering. We'll still need to keep you here for a while for observation, but all things considered, you're extremely lucky that your injuries aren't worse than they are."

"Lucky," Richie repeated, like he didn't believe that either, and why should he?

He'd had his skull bashed in and had nearly died while he waited for Eddie to come home! It scared Eddie to death to think about what would have happened if he had arrived home any later. If he would have come home to find Richie dead in their hallway. He supposed that Richie was fortunate that he survived and that his injuries weren't as severe as they could have been, but Eddie still wouldn't consider him to be 'lucky'.

Richie was staring up at Eddie again, almost like Eddie was his lifeline in all of this, and Eddie loved him for it. Loved him for seeming to find at least some sort of comfort in Eddie, even if he couldn't quite remember everything that they had shared together. Even if Eddie couldn't hold himself together long enough to keep from crying.

"Did…Do they know who did it?" Richie asked and for the very first time, he looked scared. "Did they catch them?"

Eddie shook his head, pressing his lips together to try and keep in the sobs that were still on the verge of spilling out of him. "No," Eddie whispered, "but they're looking. A detective came and talked to me and…they're going to find whoever did this."

Eddie tried his best to sound positive although he felt anything but. The police didn't have the first clue as to who had done this, and Eddie had done fuck all to help with the investigation. Without Richie's memory of what exactly had happened, Eddie doubted whether they would ever catch the perpetrators. But Richie didn't need to know that.

"They're not…" Richie broke off, his eyes darting towards the door again. "They're not…going to come get me, are they?"

Jesus, Richie sounded utterly terrified, and Eddie couldn't recall ever seeing him like that. Ever. Even when they had been in It's lair, even when Richie had come out publicly, he had never seemed this scared before. Eddie knew he had been, but Richie had always been good at hiding it. He hardly ever let his emotions get the better of him, always choosing to hide them behind jokes and being an all-around dickhead. But now, Richie's façade had seemed to crumble, and Eddie wasn't exactly sure how to handle that.

"No, Rich," Eddie said, although he doubted his own words. "No one's coming to get you, okay? You're safe here."

The truth of the matter, however, was that they had no idea who had done this. How in the fuck were they supposed to keep Richie safe when they weren't even sure who they were protecting him from? It was like trying to protect themselves from the fucking clown when it could take any goddamn form it wanted, and they had no idea where it could possibly pop up.

Eddie was vaguely reminded of the little boy at the Jade of the Orient who Richie had screamed at out of fear, but who had only turned out to be a fan. A simple, innocent fan who had been excited to see his idol.

"We won't let anyone in to see you unless you know them and you say it's okay," the doctor said. "If anyone comes in that makes you uncomfortable, just let us know, and we'll make sure they leave, okay?"

Richie nodded slowly, and Eddie wasn't sure if he was being careful of his movements or if he was doubtful of their reassurances. Perhaps it was a little bit of both.

"You won't leave, will you?" Richie asked Eddie, his voice sounding so very small.

There were those pesky tears prickling at Eddie's eyes again, and he once more had to contain the urge to hug and kiss Richie. Eddie wanted nothing more than to cling to him, to feel Richie's strong and warm arms around him, but holding his hand would have to be enough. Eddie was still afraid of overstepping his bounds, but he deepened the hold he had on Richie's hand, wrapping his fingers firmly around Richie's like he would never let go.

"No, Richie," Eddie said, trying his best to keep his voice from shaking. "I'm not going anywhere, okay? I'm going to be here with you until they tell you that you can go home."

"I'm here too, Rich," Bill said, laying a hand over the covers on top of Richie's knee. "The other Losers are coming too, and we're not going to leave you until you're better, okay?"

Richie gave one small nod, but he still looked terrified beyond belief. His eyes kept going to the doorway, as if he was expecting whoever had done this to him to show up and finish the job.

"Am…am I going to remember who did this to me?" Richie asked the doctor, and it was like he realized that he was the only person who held that information. That information that might be lost forever, locked up somewhere in the depths of Richie's mind.

"We're not sure," Doctor Reddy told him. "In many cases, memories of an accident or attack like this don't return, which is usually a good thing, considering how traumatizing it can be. On the other hand, in very rare cases, the victim does sometimes remember, or at least get little flashes of what happened."

Richie frowned and he looked like he was caught between a rock and a hard place. Knowing Richie, he probably desperately wanted to bring whoever had done this to justice, but at the same time, he seemed absolutely terrified of what would happen if he did remember.

Eddie hated seeing Richie like this, and he wished that there was something he could do to make everything better for his husband. Richie was always so strong and pretended to be so sure of himself, even when he was anything but. This terrified Eddie, because the uncertain person in front of him wasn't his Richie, and Eddie just wanted that person back. If that person even still existed anymore.

But then all at once, Eddie felt like absolute shit, because how dare he think those things when his husband had just been on the brink of death? How dare he wish for Richie to suddenly be okay when he had been hurt and traumatized beyond belief?

Why was Eddie such a shitty husband?

"Why are you so sad, Spagheds?" Richie asked him then, and that managed to make Eddie feel even worse.

Eddie had to use every last ounce of his energy and will power to keep from bursting into tears then and there. He was the worst husband on the face of the earth, and here was Richie, asking him what was wrong. Richie, who had always put Eddie first. Richie, who always thought about his husband before he thought about himself. Richie, who had almost died still seemed more concerned about Eddie than he did about himself.

Richie had also called him 'Spagheds', which was a nickname that he used more and more once they had gotten married. It was like Richie was getting little flashes of their relationship together, but the truth of the situation was still eluding him.

"I'm just worried about you," Eddie managed to choke out. A few sobs managed to escape him before he added, "I want you be okay."

"Don't worry about me," Richie whispered. "I'll be fine." He was staring at the ceiling again, like he couldn't quite meet Eddie's eyes.

Eddie knew why. Knew that Richie didn't believe one single word he had just said to Eddie. He wasn't 'fine', and they both knew that. Richie had lied to Eddie like he hadn't done since before they had admitted their feelings to each other on the cliff above the quarry back in Derry.

Not that Eddie could blame him, of course. Richie was only trying to keep Eddie from worrying, but it had been a year and a half since they had done that with each other. Once they had confessed their love for one another, they had promised that they would never lie about their feelings again, because that had only cost them precious time that they could have spent together.

So they were back to hiding and lying about their feelings. How did they even end up here again? Just four days ago, Eddie had felt so incredibly close to Richie, it didn't even feel like they were two separate people anymore. It was hard to tell where one of them ended and the other began. Now they were only a few feet apart, but they may as well have been on opposite ends of the country.

To be continued…