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In the one moment you are full of happiness, in the next everything can be taken from you. I thought nothing could brake me, but it happened, not only once … My heart first cracked when my brother died in front of me. He had looked into my eyes, talked to me while I could see life dripping from his lips. The second time was when I had died … I am smiling writing these lines, cause I can't understand why I am still alive. I have literally died when I left the people who had become something like a family to me. Stupid and like a headless teenager I ran away and died. I have been lucky so many, no … too many times. The third time my heart got another huge crack was when Phillip and Joe's group tortured me almost to death. I thought I would die, but it made me stronger and I thought nothing could ever brake me again. But I was wrong … so wrong.

After my friends and new family helped me to stitch my heart with comradeship, compassion and their love, the last wave of devastation enveloped me. Knowing the one person who had helped me to stand up when standing wasn't easy had died, killed me. The cracks have become clefts and my heart finally shattered when word of his death reached me. To never see him, feel him, talk to him ever again wrecked my soul.

This world can never inhere something good. There is death and dying behind every corner. My forced smile blinds you. You might think I am going to be alright, but I am not okay. My soul is burning while my body is cold. I can't breathe but still I stand. I am senseless, witless, weightless … strikingly silent, calm, unresting. My heart is at a low and it is here were I finally died completely …

Yours Ella

Daryl and I parted without words. We were looking into each other's eyes seeing nothing but the bare soul of the one in front of us. Daryl smiled at me, happy to be reunited. The others gave us space. Michonne and Carl went into the car, while Rick covered it with blankets and towels. My tears hadn't dried yet and I could see tears in his eyes too.

Daryl looked from my eyes to my lips and back again. There were questions in his eyes he didn't know how to ask. He touched my face, his thumb slightly caressing my burning lips. "He told me you died." I whispered and leaned into him to make sure he was real. He hugged me tight and took a deep breath of my hair. I felt him on my skin, in my face, everywhere. I couldn't believe I had him back again.

"Who told you ..." He started but suddenly I couldn't hold back. I began to cry bitterly. I had cut off all my feelings, hadn't want to feel anything. Now the world came crashing down on me. Daryl stood still, holding me like I could be ripped apart from him, while I sobbed heavy at his chest. He kissed the top of my head. "I ain't dead."

Moments passed. I opened my eyes to see Rick sitting in front of the covered car, starring into nothingness. To my feet laid Joe's dead body. I shivered remembering the moment before Michonne had freed me. Moving my head, I still had the chain around my neck. I hastily tried to pull it over my mead, but it was too tight. Gasping I became nervous and tried it with more force. Daryl slowly took my hands into his loosening my grab around the chain. He carefully loosened it and took it off me.

"Thanks." I croaked and touched my neck, my skin was raw. I didn't want Daryl to see it and turned away to the car. The others must be already sleeping in it. I was tired damn tired.

"You need some rest too." He walked me to the car and wordlessly slipped in with me. Michonne and Carl were already sleeping. We sat down in the very back of the car, he never let go off me. I cuddled into him and he pressed me closer into his chest. I closed my eyes tired of the world. But there were things he needed to know. Merle, I needed to tell Daryl … but my thoughts merged into dreams.

I couldn't breathe. The chain around my neck strangled me. I gasped for air but couldn't open my mouth. As if my lips were sealed together I tried to breathe wildly through my nose. But a hand was over my face, trying to choke me.

I opened my eyes breathing heavily. My own hands were around my throat. Disoriented I remembered I was in the back of a car.

Breathe! You are safe. Take a deep breath.

I soaked in some air and slowly turned around. The towels and sheets in front of the windows provided us with darkness to rest. My lips were pulsing. Now that I finally rested, pain began to arise in my bones. Michonne was sitting in front of me, Carl sleeping in her lap. Michonne turned her head and looked over to me. Her glance distraught. My eyes searched for Rick and Daryl but they weren't in the car. Michonne slightly nodded to her left out of the window.

"What had he done to you?" Michonne asked carefully. We hadn't had the time to talk yet.

"He had captured me …" I finally was content with it. I had killed my nightmare and all the other horrors were now dead too. "He had tortured me …" My body ached. I could still feel the hands of Len and the chain around my neck. I carefully touched my neck.

"It's over now." She whispered looking down on Carl who was sleeping like a fetus in her lap. "How … When … After the prison went down where …"

I interrupted her. "I have been with Merle and Jess." Merle … "We were in a house, I had been outside alone, that's when Len found me. Must have been two days ago." I had told Paul goodbye when Len had chained me. I had met Paul … he had told us about a safe place.

"You think they are still at the house?"

I yawned, tired of the pain I felt. "If they are … I don't know where it is. Maybe they are close, maybe not." Could we find them? Where they looking for me? I needed to find them. After the prison we found no one and finally I was reunited with some of my group. I was with Daryl. Daryl, he didn't know his brother was alive. I wasn't able to talk to him, all I had wanted was to lay down in peace. I was glad Rick and Daryl had prepared this sleeping opportunity. I sighed. Jess had lied to me … he had said Daryl was dead … why?

A muffled voice came from outside. I wanted to take my knife, but Michonne wasn't reacting at all so it must be the guys. Daryl … my heartbeat fastened. He was alive.

"You can't see yarself. He can!" Daryl's voice. With eyes closed I saw the situation yesterday night. How he had tried to talk to Joe. He had known them … "I didn't know what they were." Daryl's low voice reached me through the open window.

"How did you wind up with them?" Rick's husky voice made me remember his bloody face and psycho eyes. And yet the same question burned on my tongue.

"I was with Beth. We got out together. I was with her for a while." Daryl answered. Hadn't Jess told me Daryl had died and Beth went on alone?! Why all the lying?

"Is she dead?" Rick asked monotonous.

"She's just gone. After that, that's when they found me." He had been with Beth out in the woods … not dead. "I mean I knew they were bad, but they had a code." I sighed silently. He had known they were bad and still stood with them.

He didn't know who they were. Don't you think if he had known who Joe and his fellas were, he had killed them all?!

"It was simple and stupid." I still heard it in my ears. Claimed … "But it was something … It was enough." It had almost killed me …

Don't do this again … If he would have known, he … Yeah, sure. My brother didn't seem to know how to end the sentence. He had known their rules …

"And you were alone." Rick added.

He was alone. He had nobody, nothing … "But it still hurts. These men had hurt me to the bone, burned my soul …" I told my brother silently and tried to shut them out. Daryl had been with them even though he had known they were bastards.

"I thought she was dead … I told Merle to run and keep her safe. We wanted to meet up but never did. I thought they had died." Daryl's voice was weak. We had lost each other many times and this one time we both had thought was forever.

Daryl started his story. He told Rick about Joe and how they were following a guy who had killed their friend. "I was hanging back, I was going to leave. But I stayed." If he had left we wouldn't be together now. I tried to talk myself into not hating him for straying with these men. "That's when I saw it was you three. And …" His voice failed. "I didn't know what they could do."

"It's not on you Daryl."

"If I had known Len would …." His voice broke again.

He is not responsible for what happened. I knew that. Don't let it break him … When it came to men my brother never had encouraged me to forgive them. He hat hated all the guys I had liked or been with. Daryl seemed to be an exception.

"He had hurt her again …" I heard him punching something with a low sigh. "I couldn't prevent, I couldn't help." In his voice resonated hate. "He almost killed her in front of my eyes."

"It's not on you." Rick emphasized. "You being with us here, now, that's everything." Rick found the right words. "You're my brother." His brother … My eyes opened again.

"What you did …" Daryl started.

"All I am doing is to stay alive and to keep Carl alive. That's all that matters."

I reached out for Michonne and she squeezed my outstretched hand with a weak smile. We all had difficult times. Suddenly Carl turned around looking at me too. There was dried blood on his face, it remembered me that he had almost been raped by a man. And yet he smiled at me. "We are together now, that counts." He whispered. "We are safe together."

After a few more moments Carl left the car. I heard him talking to Daryl who told him we should set out soon. My whole body was burning of pain, I didn't know how long I could walk or stand. I turned to exit the car too when I heard Michonne taking in a sharp breath. I looked back at her, her eyes were wide in shock. "You back … there is blood …" I tried to see my back, pulled at my shirt and felt the shirt had dried and adhered to the wound on my back. "What had he done to you?" She was full of empathy.

"That was Merle." I lifted the shirt. "He helped me cover the pain." I smiled weakly. I hadn't seen the tattoo yet. What had he made out of the scar?

"How …?" The opening of the door next to her interrupted her question.

Rick and Daryl looked at my back. I let go off my shirt to cover my back again. "Let's keep moving." Rick told us. I excited the car on the other side and walked around the car. Daryl stood at the front of the car, almost waiting for me. "Hey." I whispered.

He didn't move. He looked at me through his hair, like he had used to do. "Hey." He breathed back. His eyes wandered from my eyes to my lips and back to my eyes. "How do ya feel?"

"It's over now." I didn't want to be reminded of Len's rape. I made a step towards him but all of a sudden my feet gave way and I sank to my knee, a huge pain in my legs and abdomen.

"Ella." He rushed to me. "What's wrong?" He looked to my legs. I felt as if I had peed my pants. Looking down on me, blood dyed my trousers in a dark red. Daryl helped me to get up. "What had he done to you?" The question didn't need an answer. The horror was written all over his face, his eyes aghast.

Even I had killed him, Len still had the chance to humiliate me. I saw the conclusion in Daryl's eyes. But instead of going wild, like I wanted to, he pressed me to his chest. His body was full of heat. "Where have you been?" I whispered into his ear. "Merle told me you would come to the bridge. We waited for days." The warmth of his body was what I had longed for.

"Merle? He is alive?" He looked into my eyes. "Where is he?"

"Jess told me you were dead." I remembered Jess' words. Tears started to fill my eyes again. The pain between my legs and my heart grew.

He took both of my arms, looking into my eyes. "But I am not." He kissed me on the lips as if to make sure I was alive too. "And you are not dead." I touched my bloody-wet trousers and began to tremble. "I am here for you. Always." His words made the pain less dreadful.

Michonne touched my shoulder slightly. I looked up to her. "I have some spare clothes." I nodded and Daryl stepped back to let her help me. Like a sister she helped me out of my pants, while Rick and Daryl searched dead Joe and the others. They packed up their stuff, some of their clothes and their weapons. When I took off my shirt, I looked at my back again. A phoenix with spread wings. I smiled, why this creature?

When Michonne helped me to finish dressing, I looked down on me, dark grey trousers and a black shirt with long sleeves. I was cold. The weather had changed into a freezy autumn day. Daryl put a jacket over my shoulders. I looked into his eyes. "Merle is alive." Rick and Carl stepped closer to me. I began to tell them how we had waited at the bridge and finally had found shelter at the house. I told the short version of how I had met Paul in the first place and then again at the house. And I told them the very short version of when I had been inattentive and been caught by Len.

"This idiot." Daryl cried out. "He had been at the wrong bridge. I had waited for days …" Daryl told us bewildered. "I thought he must be dead not meeting up with me. I have been looking out for you …"

"When Jess told us he saw you going down in blood, we finally moved on." I retorted.

"Jess saw Daryl dying?" Michonne asked.

"Yeah." I looked from her to Carl and to Rick. "We need to find them."

"Do you have any clue where the house is?" Rick asked me. There was still dried blood on his hair and right ear.

"No …"

"Maybe they are going to Terminus." Carl said absently.

"Where?" I asked.

"The signs … they tell us Terminal is a safe place. Sanctuary."

"There are no safe places anymore." I said back. They all looked at me distant, somehow afraid. "We have to go and look for Merle." I turned to Daryl.

"We are finally together." Rick told the group. "We are not separating again."

"Terminus is a shot." Michonne agreed with Rick. "If he is not there, we'll set out again."

"There are a lot of signs." Daryl told us. "I have seen them before."

"Do you really wanna go there first before we go and look for your brother?" I asked him.

"I think it is worth a shot. He would think ya would go there." Maybe he was right. I didn't know … I didn't think Merle would go someplace where strangers would tell him was shelter. But when I looked at Daryl, who had stood with my nightmare, I wasn't so sure anymore. So I slowly nodded.

Don't do that to yourself. I am not telling you to forget but forgive what had happened. This isn't a world where you can survive alone. You need these people and you need him.

We started our journey along the rail trails. Rick and Michonne were in the lead. I watched my feet walking on. I still felt cramps in my body, but concentrated on walking. Next to me walked Carl silently. Another pair of shoes appeared next to me. Daryl took my hand and I looked into his face. He squeezed my hand carefully. Carl walked on faster, catching up with Michonne, giving us some privacy.

"The phoenix on your back …" He started. "It suits you. Merle had worked on a similar tattoo, but on paper."

"I didn't know what it was until now. I just wanted him to cover the scar." I started to tell him about the house and how I found Merle in the basement. I told him he had finished his own tat. "He seemed happy about it."

"The only job he may have ever liked."

"He kept me safe Daryl. Like you had asked him to, he didn't let me go back. He did everything you ordered him to."

"All the decisions I had made seem wrong. I had wanted to keep the both of ya safe."

"I do not need to be kept safe when you are not around anymore." I had wanted to die … I was tired of telling him I needed him to survive. "I wanna know what life with you is like."

"Me too." He looked at me, looked at my neck. I quickly hid my raw skin. Daryl took off his red bandana and put it around my neck to cover the marks. The smell of his scent was immediately in my nose. I felt saver. "I want ya for the rest of my life." He whispered with a Daryl smile.

You remember what father always used to say: The right path is never the easy one. He was proved right. A warming feeling flooded me. Smile sis, you have him back. You have a life back.

Rick stopped and showed us a sign of Terminus. "We must be close. Let's go through the woods." We followed him and after an hour arrived at a fence. There were huge buildings behind the fence, but no person to be seen. Rick stepped back, turning to us. "Let's take a look around."

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