Before the year ist over, I wanted to post a new chapter. Puh :) I did it. Have fun with an extra long chapter.
See you next year :)
Daryl's Point of View
I stared into the fire working out a plan how we would survive and where to go. All I wanted was to keep this group alive. We had made it this far, had survived an overrun camp, an exploding building, an attacked prison and a fucked up Terminus. Nothing like this should ever happen again to this group. Taking a look around, my new family was reunited again, even Carol was back again. I swore to myself to protect them from any harm. Rick was keeping his boy and daughter safe. He was our leader, but I needed a plan too. Looking down on the small scarred woman in my arms, I couldn't believe I felt whole. And I wanted to keep it that way. I took a deep breath, trying not to move while my chest rose and fell. Ella was finally asleep in my arms. She hadn't want to sleep, maybe afraid of the demons that might haunt her at night. But it the end exhaustion had knocked her out.
"How is she?" Carol asked sitting down next to me with a smile. I had missed her features, had missed her motherly glance. She always had seemed to know what to say to me to make me feel useful, needed, good … to make me feel loved.
"Finally asleep." I retorted looking back into the flames to my feet.
"How are you?" I felt her eyes on me and on Ella in my arms. Ella looked peaceful, I hope she had a silent dream.
"We ain't dead." Now I looked at her. She had been gone, had been send away by Rick. I hadn't had the chance to look for her. "Where have you been?" Taking a closer look at her she looked somehow older.
"I don't want to talk about it." Her eyes slowly moved to the fire, not looking at me. Her answer reminded me of Ella. She hadn't want to talk about the last days too. She had been hurt, I knew it, had seen it. I still felt rage and pure hate in me, when I remembered that picture, how she had been tortured in front of my eyes. I could also see it in her moves, in her skin and even in her voice. She was suddenly moving more careful and was talking in a harder colder voice. Something had been stolen from her. All I wanted was to make her whole again, the way she made me whole. But Carol had no visible scars. What had happened to her that she didn't want to talk about? But I didn't want to push her. We all had our demons, dark secrets and hidden desires. Carol had never pushed me on mine so I didn't push her to tell me and just nodded. "We need to sleep too." She told me still avoiding to look at me.
"Yeah." I nodded, leaning my head back to the tree I was resting on. Behind the fire Rick held Judith in his arms, almost like I held Ella. While Judith and Carl were sleeping close to him, he didn't let himself rest. Rick watched everyone and everything. My eyes followed his around our little camp. Sasha and Bob were also sitting next to each other, resting at each other's shoulders sleeping tight. Abraham was on watch, this mighty man had his eyes everywhere. Just like Rick. Glenn and Maggie were also sleeping, almost everybody could finally find some rest. But I couldn't. The crack I had heard earlier was still echoing in the back of my head. I had definitely heard something, my ears had never betrayed me.
…
"Merle." I was waking up by Ella's soft voice. She called for my brother and my heart tightened. "No …" Her voice was soft and low but it seemed as if she was screaming for him in pain. Something in me snapped, I had this feeling before, an undefined feeling that hurt deep inside me.
Suddenly she started to squirm in my arms, her eyes and lips tightly pressed. I pressed her to my chest, but she started to scream lowly. "Ella!" I tried to wake her up or to calm her. "Ella. Shhh…"
"Daryl … wait …" She began to cry. "Wait …" Tears rolled down her cheeks and I felt unbelievable helpless.
"I'm here." I whispered pressing my forehead to hers. I wanted her to know I was here, wanted her to feel me being close. "I am right here." Pain and fear was visible on her face. What she had been put through seemed to haunt her. "Ella." She stopped but didn't open her eyes. Tears still rolled down her cheeks. "I am here." I whispered into her ear.
No one had woken up. I looked around the fire to see no one was watching us. Except for Abraham who shot me a glance. I stared back at him until he started to walk away checking the area. When I looked back at Ella, she looked at me. I was a bit surprised to see her awake now. "Daryl …" She whispered. Words failed me as always. All I could do was to stare into her beautiful eyes. The scar across her lips and the still visible bruises in her face were outshone by these green eyes. How long did we stare into each other's eyes, I didn't know, but the moment seemed to last forever. Suddenly she rose her right hand to touch my cheek. Her thump brushed carefully over my lip I didn't know I was chewing on again. A bad habit not so easily to get rid of. "Is this real …?" She croaked.
I nodded slowly. Maybe she thought she was still dreaming "I am right here with you." I emphasized and she smiled. I hadn't seen this soft smile in a long time. I kissed her smiling lips feeling a prickling in my body. She cuddled herself into me closing her eyes again. I exhaled. This was what I had been looking for my whole life. A family who sticks together, a person to hold and who loved me for who I was. Bewildered I looked at her soft features. Love? Was this love …
Ella's point of view
I woke up with Carl staring at me. "Morning." I said in an unpleasant morning voice.
"Good morning sunshine." He smiled.
I laughed lowly. "Too cheerful for the morning."
"You are not a morning person, heh?" I sat up and he handed me a bottle of water. I drank while I saw that everybody was already up packing up. Carl stood up slowly. "We are getting ready to walk on."
"To where?"
"A better life." He smiled holding out his hand to help me standing up. "Come on."
I took his hand and stood up. Rick and the others were walking our direction, when a rustling sound made them raise their guns. Daryl walked out the bushes holding up some squirrels. They all laughed about something he said. And walked on. Daryl talked to Rick, his features all serious. This wasn't a good sign. I had the feeling of danger all around again, of an unpleasant disturbance.
Daryl walked towards me, while Rick gathered everyone at the dead fire. "Had a good sleep?" He asked and I nodded. "Com'on." He took my bag and went back to join the group. I looked after him without moving. He behaved like a boyfriend, carrying my stuff. I smiled a bit uncertain.
Carl nudged me with his elbow and mentioned to walk over to the group too. "Com'on." He mimicked Daryl. We started laughing and walked together.
"… concrete under your feet?" I heard Abraham saying.
"I think it is about time." Rick answered and nodded. They all started to walk as if something was determined.
"What …" I said but no one heard me except for Carl. We had wanted to look for Merle … I was perplex. When did they change plans? Where were we going?
"This is sweet music to my ears, officer!" Abraham laughed shouldering his bag and gun. "Take the next road we come to, finding a vehicle. Good?"
Carl was following them while I stopped dead in my tracks. What was the talk about a vehicle? Suddenly Carl looked back at me, maybe wondering why I wasn't moving. "Tighten it up." Rick shouted back at us. I started to walk … well at least my feet were walking their direction. Where the hell were we going? Was there a plan? A vehicle for all of us? Carl pushed me a bit further, making me walk faster.
"We need to catch up." He told me. "A race till …" He looked front where Michonne was walking first. "… Michonne?" Sasha, Bob and Tyrese were suddenly laughing loud. Everyone was in a good mood, but somehow the sound I had heard last night was ringing in my ears. I couldn't forget it. Daryl had told me there was nothing but I could still feel it. The coldness in my bones, the fear in my muscles and the terror in my heart. "Not in the mood for a little run?" I looked back at Carl. "Or are you afraid to lose?" He was doing it again, distracting me of the emotions which were controlling my mind.
That's my job. My brother laughed at the back of my head. While wondering he was only talking sporadically I was afraid of losing him again. You are not losing me. But you need to put yourself together. I can't help you being yourself.
Daryl stopped until we were walking next to each other. "You kids alright?"
Carl rolled his eyes. Some walkers appeared to our right, everybody stopped and Michonne and Rosita stepped out of the lint to kill the dead. Now that everyone was standing still, I needed to remind them of what we had said before Terminus. Daryl looked at me knowingly. "You said if Merle wouldn't be at Terminus, we would look for him somewhere else." Isn't this somewhere else? If you keep your eyes open you are looking for him. We don't know where we are or what direction we had come from. So how do we know where he might be?
Daryl gave me a smile but it seemed as if it hurt him. "Now let's go and find my brother." He told me and turned to Rick. "He is out there somewhere." Rick looked at us. "He would be looking for Ella, for me …" He talked as if he didn't believe himself. Rick nodded and turned to watch the now bigger group. He was always thinking of the group's well-being and safety first.
"What about Jess?" Tyrese asked me. "He had been with you and Merle, right?" I remembered he had known Jess from Woodbury. Had they been friends?
I nodded and a forgotten rage started to boil inside me. Calm down. "He must be with Merle." But I wasn't so sure I wanted him to be with Merle. I was too mad at him, I didn't want to see him ever again. I know you do not want to hear it … and I don't know why I am telling you this, but I think he did it out of love. I laughed lowly and Tyrese was watching me with a puzzled look.
Not everyone was willing to look for Merle. But I straightened my back next to Daryl. "We said if he wasn't at Terminus, we would look for him." I said it in a loud voice looking at my friends. Glenn avoided to look at me.
"You are right. But our group has grown. There are more things to think about." Michonne told me. At least she was looking at me.
"We are heading for Washington." Abraham added firmly. His military voice made me shiver. "Maybe your friend will be there."
"But you said …" I started towards Rick, but suddenly someone screamed for help.
Carl was the first to run towards the distress call. They all moved after Carl but I took a deep breath. I felt as if they were avoiding my speech. They were really all running to the rescue. Another sigh and I moved after them, being the last one with funny-hair-guy. He was more walking fast, as if any sportive action would harm him. I wondered why he wasn't talking to anyone except Abraham. Maybe he is just as messed up as you. He really looked messed up.
I heard gun shots and screams. When we approached the group, Abraham looked at us. "We're clear. Keep watch." I looked to the others and saw a priest on a rock whimpering. A priest? I hadn't seen one in years … I took out my knife and made a walk around the scene to check the area. Rosita nodded towards me and walked the other direction. Eugene stood still next to Michonne who had a gun. I smiled at him and mentally labeled him as a recreant. He would be the first to run when walkers would attack. That is not fair. Maybe he has no experience. Maybe he is a pacifist. "In a world like this?" He would be the first to die of this group.
"What?" Abraham was behind me.
"I wonder how in a world like this a priest is alone in the woods." I told him and spat to the ground. "Where are the worshippers?" It smelled of a trap. Abraham mumbled something and went on. There were no more walkers so I returned to Daryl.
"Let's keep going." Rick told us and everyone started walking after the priest.
"We are going to church." Daryl laughed next to me. "Got your Sunday dress with you?" But I didn't laugh. Church and God were a sensible issue to me.
"Nowadays people are just as dangerous as the dead, don't you think?" Gabriel told us over his shoulder keeping a firm pace.
"No, people are worse." I spat. He looked back at me with a frightened glance. My appearance – or just my face – must really be bad, because his eyes widened when he looked at me. He quickly turned around almost stumbling over his own feet and walked on faster.
"Looks like someone is afraid of little girls with scars." Abraham laughed passing me. He was much taller than me and to be honest I was a little bit afraid of him.
"I think you look kind of sexy." Rosita winked at me and both of them started laughing. I still hadn't figured out what to think of them. Were they good people? They had been with Glenn, they must be good ones. But at the same time, they seemed to have a secret worth killing for.
After a few minutes a white wooden chapel appeared in the midst of the wood. Gabriel wanted to unlock the church, but Rick stopped him. "Hold on." Gabriel looked back at him. Why was he sweating like a pig? I mean it was a sunny hot day, we were all exhausted and sweaty, but he was nervous sweaty. "Can we take a look around first?"
Rick and Michonne entered the church. Daryl nodded towards me, I nodded back not moving. He held my gaze and eventually followed the others, but I couldn't. My mother was very religious and she had always told me that there was a higher meaning to everything even to my brother's death. But I had never accepted it. I couldn't believe God had wanted my brother dead. It wasn't your fault. If there is a god he kept you save all this years. If I had to die so that you can live, I have given my life gladly. I pushed his words away. This white house of God made me stop breathing.
"Are you a vampire?" Carl joked next to me.
"I just don't believe …" I stopped talking and Carl put his arm around me, giving me a slight hug. Seemed he knew when I needed comfort. I didn't want to enter and while Carl seemed to be my newly bodyguard we both watched some of our group entering the holy place. A sacred escape. I wondered why there was just a priest. Many people who had thought the apocalypse was happening should have gone here. There was something odd about this trembling priest. Why didn't I hear voices inside the church? Was there really no one inside? Why should a priest be all alone?
The guy with the funny haircut was looking at me in a weird way. Was he smiling? He approached me slowly. "What happened to your face?" His lips seemed to be hanging loose what made him look like a drooling dog.
"Is that how you start a conversation?" I hadn't spoken to him since we had met and wasn't even sure of his name.
"I am not good at conversations." He didn't look into my eyes or even close to my face. He wasn't rude, he seemed nervous. He looked from the ground to somewhere behind me and back to the ground. "My name is Eugene." He paused looking into my eyes or more at somewhere in my face. Before I could say something he babbled on. "I was curious if you have been scratched by a biter. I don't want a risk to be so close. I heard the fever is so high that it feels like skin and intestines are burning. Everything will melt away. I do not want to die like that." Now he was rude. I was perplex of his words and the way he was stammering monotonously and yet talking like a waterfall.
"Always a charmer." Abraham elbowed Eugene a bit too hard and walked on. I followed him to escape a weird conversation. When I looked back over my shoulder Eugene's eyes followed me. "He is weird." Abraham told me.
"I can tell."
"All genius are weird." He laughed and went on. "Never heard of a clever person who was cool."
"Yet we all survived till here."
"One way or another." We walked around the church in search of something. I didn't know what I was looking for when I saw the sealed windows. Scratches were all over the frame. Abraham walked on and laughed loud. "A bus!"
"Hey!" Carl joined me again. He had his sister in his arms.
"Hey." I retorted. "Are you following me?" I suddenly felt like a kid myself. Carl seemed to be the bigger brother at the moment who needed to keep an eye on the little sister who always striped into danger.
"No." But his eyes glanced in a bright yes you idiot. "I just think you are more fun to hang around with." Did I see him blushing? I couldn't tell for sure, he looked own on his sister and his hat was in the way.
I turned to the window frame again. It was weird, it didn't look as if walkers or animals had made these scratches. "You'll burn for this" I read aloud. It was carved into the wooden wall under the window. "Damn it." I wanted to go and tell the others, but Carl held my arm.
"Wait." He looked grownup. "Let's not drop the bomb at once. This is a safe haven, at least for a moment."
"But Carl …"
"When the moment is right … let's just …" He looked to his sister. "I'll tell my father, okay? Just not everyone."
"They need to know …" Maybe he was right, or at least more clearly thinking then I was. I was still in a terminator mode, killing everyone and anything that got into my way. I took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay, you'll tell your father."
When we got back to the front they were all entering the church. Carl and I walked up the few steps to the front door. I hesitated to enter. It was as if I heard the voice of my mother who was saying a little prayer. It had always sounded as if she was singing her prayers. I stopped at the doorstep staring into the dark church. Why was the church white from the outside and when you looked into it there was darkness? Again it was Carl who led me inside a building I was afraid to enter. He had grown, not just mentally, he was almost as tall as me now. I smiled to him. "Feels familiar."
"Yeah." He laughed. "What is it with you and unknown rooms?!" He held out his free hand. "May I have the pleasure?" He slightly bowed.
I took his hand. ""You may!" We giggled together like kids. Judith in his arms joint our laughter. "When have you grown up?"
"This is not the time to be a kid anymore." He retorted and we entered the church slowly. "I have to look after my sister and protect this group."
"Yeah you're right." All the time I had wanted to keep him a boy, to cherish his childhood. But this world wasn't made for kids, for daydreamers. This was harsh reality. Walking dead, mad people, a church without worshipers. Who wouldn't grew up fast in such a world …
You did. You have been a daydreamer, a kid never wanting to grow old. You were one of the Lost Boys living with Peter Pan. But look at you now. I looked up into the reflection in the window next to me. This is not a kid anymore staring back at you. He was right. I am always right. I was a woman, not a girl anymore. I was too old be classified as a kid. Recognition at last. My brother laughed and I smiled.
I walked slowly further into the church, carefully watching every corner. The priest was talking about supplies. His voice echoed faintly from the walls. It almost sounded like a prayer. I stopped at the third row of benches where a bible was staring at me.
"How many walkers?" Rick asked the priest and my attention was immediately back at the conversation.
"Maybe a dozen, maybe more …"
"We can handle a dozen." Rick stated.
Sasha walked closer to them. "Bob and I will go with you!"
"And you will come with us." Rick told the priest who wasn't happy about it. The priest tried to argue but Rick didn't allow any backtalk. So the priest sighed and walked to the door, Sasha and Bob were close behind him. It looked as if like they were escorting him out.
Rick turned to Carl who was still next to me. "Listen, I don't trust him!" He told his son ignoring me. "Why do you trust this guy?"
It was the perfect moment to tell him about the scratches, but he didn't. "Everybody can't be bad."
I rolled my eyes and walked out. "Everybody is bad." I told myself. Why was the priest alone? I watched how Sasha and Bob were talking to the priest.
"Always on watch heh?" Abraham came to stand next to me folding his arms in front of his chest. "Not everybody is bad. Look at us forming a new group, helping each other to stay alive." He followed my glance to the priest. "But I don't trust him either."
"I don't trust you either." I told him. It wasn't entirely true. I just didn't like to trust people I didn't know. But Glenn trusted him, so I had to too.
"Not quite fair. We saved each other's butts."
"Trust is for family. You are a friend of my family, so I tolerate you."
Now he laughed at me. "Tolerate me? I like you." He laughed louder and clapped me on the shoulder. It didn't hurt but I was afraid he could break my bones with his huge hand. "No need to fear me little girl. I am a man of honor, I swore to protect the innocent." He walked to the right, maybe walking back to the bus to fix it.
"Who said I was innocent?" I threw after him.
"The way your eyes are everywhere, your protecting behavior …" He walked on without turning around. "You would do anything to protect them and yet I hadn't seen you kill a walker."
He was around the corner, it was useless to scream after him how many walkers I had killed. You have counted them? No … it were too many.
Rick walked pass me, giving me a nod. Michonne followed him. "We are going on a supply run." I nodded. "Keep the flag flying." She smiled. The small group started to walk behind the priest who led them into the woods again.
I should better go with them instead of staying behind at a church. Suddenly someone stepped close behind me. I looked to my feet to see Daryl's boot behind me. From behind Daryl put his arms around me. The gesture was new and I was somehow unprepared to be so close in broad daylight. But when he took a deep breath next to my head he tingled my ear and I felt butterflies in my stomach. It felt so good. Could it really be that easy to be happy? Living in a church? For once you should set aside the all thoughts and be happy. Live in the moment. We do not know how many moments there will be so stop thinking exceptionally and be in this moment! I turned around to look into his eyes which were hiding behind his shaggy hair.
"You need a haircut." I smiled. The word need triggered something in me: I needed him. I brushed some hair out of his face to see him. "So I can see your eyes better."
There was a faint smile on his lips. "I don't need a haircut to see you." He almost whispered.
I kissed him not caring of anyone could see us. Before I was shy to show my affection, but I held back everything for so long, had suppressed feelings. I had been hurt mentally and physically, I had hated touch and closeness more than once, but I was over and done with my past. Now I realized that there wasn't enough time to spend with the person I loved. I opened my eyes immediately. I loved him … Suddenly joy banished all the fear and anger in my bones.
When we parted, I felt a chill. The scratches … I needed to tell him. He would know what to do. But when he leaned back, I saw Carl standing in the door looking at us. How long had he been watching? He starred at me in a weird way. Daryl followed my eyes and looked at Carl too. A bit uncomfortable he shouldered his crossbow. "Let's check the surroundings." He took my hand and we walked around the corner, I didn't dare to look back at Carl.
We passed Abraham who was lying under the bus, repairing what every needed to be fixed. I looked down on my hand, Daryl still held my hand. Again a warm feeling spread inside me, the one that cast dark thoughts out. A walker approached but Daryl killed it as if he swat a mosquito. He let go off me to hold his crossbow and checked the bushes.
"Daryl." I softly called for him. He turned to look at me. In this second I saw life passing by. I saw how I had first met him and his brother, how his eyes and behavior had attracted my interest, how I had followed him into the woods and had learned how to shoot. I saw his face when we had been reunited, how he had held me and kissed me the first time. How I had felt him inside me … But I also saw how he had been with Jim and his eyes when he had seen the blood at my crotch. I didn't want this to be in my mind when I would die. I tried to erase that he had been with Beth without looking for me, that he had chosen to stay with Jim and his slaying gang. I wanted what I had felt a minute ago.
Daryl approached me, his head slightly to the side he gripped my arms and pushed me back, almost slamming me into the wall and kissing me wildly. I smiled into his lips, this was what I wanted to remember when I would die. Putting my arms around his neck I wanted to be as close as possible. I wanted to forget the world and the past. I opened my eyes, from the corner of my eye I saw a shadow. I stopped to turn my head and saw Eugene peeking around the corner. Would there ever be a moment we could be alone?
Daryl turned to see Eugene too and grabbed the knife out of his boot. "What the fuck man."
I stopped Daryl from chasing after Eugene. "Daryl wait!" I felt like a school girl who had been caught kissing her boyfriend during break time behind the gym.
Carol walked around the corner with a few canister in her hands. She looked over to us. "Can you guys give me a hand? We need water!"
Daryl put away his knife and I gave him a long kiss. "You go help!" I turned and walked away, knowing they needed to talk. They had a special bond and yet somehow they didn't seem to talk to each other, as if something had happened. They needed to talk to each other and this was a good time.
I didn't know I had been walking to the bus until Abraham called for me. "Yo scar girl. Can you hand me that slot screwdriver."
I walked closer to the bus. "Where is it?" I asked the legs of Abraham, while his upper body was completely under the bus. Then I saw a few tools and by that I mean a hammer, a screwdriver and pliers. I took the screwdriver and handed it to him. "Here you go."
"Not so afraid anymore?"
"I wasn't afraid."
He laughed under the bus. "Okay." His laugh sounded kind of metallic and made me think he was a robot.
"Are you really a military or just found the clothes to look mighty?"
I heard how he stopped working and he came to stand to look at me. "I am a Sergeant." He stated. "And don't I look cool in my uniform?!" He gave me a smile which made me shiver. "What are you?" He looked down on me, I was wearing dark grey jeans and a brown shirt, nothing that identified me. Except your dark mood.
"I am Ella." I said and he started laughing. He was laughing a lot … maybe this was his way to cope with this new world. A man who laughs out loud like this can't be that bad, can he?!
"You got damn humor." He wipe away sweat from his forehead.
"So Sergeant Abraham …" I started. "How do you know about fixing cars? Do they teach you in military school?"
"I know lot more shit than you little scar girl."
"Stop calling me that!"
"But that is what you are!" He told me still smiling. "And you should be proud of every one of it." As if he knew there were more. I stared at him in silence. "Come one, I can call you scar woman if you want."
"You are making it worse." Maybe he wasn't that bad. A man who knew how to fix a vehicle, a strong and fearless fighter.
"Scar girl sounds like a hero's name." Carl said behind me. "Ella doesn't sound so bad either."
I smiled at his comment. "What about you guys just go and fuck yourselves."
Abraham laughed loud and clapped his leg. "Maintain your humor Ella, that's what we need in this world. What's better to laugh or to cry?" He disappeared under the bus again. In a weird way he was right.
I looked over to Carl. "I think something is not right." He told me. And I followed him back to the sealed windows. "These scratches are made by knives of people, not dead ones." He told me.
"I told you to tell the others. This priest …"
"He is a priest who doesn't kill." He told me. "There was a diary he must have written, "thou shall not kill', right?!" Again he talked to me like I was the kid, but this time he seemed to be mad. "Maybe something bad happened here, but I don't think the priest is the bad guy." He looked from me to the lettering. "Sometimes it's the people around us who make false conclusions."
"Carl …" He was still a kid, maybe a teenager, but still he was too innocent to see there were bad people in this world, wolves in sheep's clothing.
"I just want a safe place for my sister." He turned to me again. "Just for once I want to sleep without a weapon in my hand."
He wasn't crying or anything like that, just stating the obvious. We needed a place again. "You are right. Tonight we do not need to worry." I felt the urge to hug him, tell him I would always protect him and his sister, but it was like he had said, he wasn't a child no more, he was a man now. Or at least that was what he tried to make me believe.
Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed reading the story so far. As always R&R are very much welcome :o)
Wish you guys a happy new year!