Hello followers and newly readers. I am sorry I am not updating regularly. But here is a new chapter :o) This story still goes on.
Have fun reading. Enjoy!

I was sitting in front of the church with my back to the holy place and to what I had left behind. All this God and angels and wooden crosses scared me. I closed my eyes listening to the wind in the trees and feeling the sun on my skin. A short break before the next storm would arouse. Again I thought of Merle. We still had no plan on how to find him, I had no plan. It was just me and Daryl who wanted to find him, but the others didn't care so much. But before I could think on a plan on how to get this group to search for Merle again, Abraham screamed for something and I walked over to help him fix that damn bus. He was quite talkative, asking me questions about everything. In the end he showed to be a good mechanic. He really got this old bus running again. Rosita joined us after we had fixed the bus. Her funny name reminded me of a telenovela I had been watching when I was younger. Even though trust was something I never would give away easily again, the both of them seemed quiet alright.

Eventually Rick and the others came back with food while Daryl and Carol came back with water.

We all gathered in the church sitting down near the altar eating what Rick had brought back. Again I felt uncomfortable, even with my friends around. All the angels, busts and the wooden cross seemed to blind me. I tried to distract myself by observing the group. They were all eating, smiling, and having fun. My observation stopped at Bob who was looking at Sasha like there was no one else in the room. This look made me forget about the angels looking down on me. The world seemed to stop when they talked softly to each other. The happy laughter of a sweet little child arose. Judith was sitting in Rick's lap giggling while she tried to feed her father. The picture was just perfect.

Are you smiling? I slightly nodded. It all seemed surreal. A few days ago I had almost been killed, had fought zombies and people … and now we were sitting in a church at a candle light dinner. It somehow made me forget what had happened. This happened too often. You seem to attract walkers and dangerous situations. But it'll be always like that … You have to accept that you will always fight the dead, until there is a cure. He was right. And I looked over to Eugene who was stoically looking down. Was he the hero of our time? Not the kind of comic hero you would prefer.

I looked further around seeing happy faces. Abraham was laughing the loudest. Then his laughter became speech. "I look around this room and see survivors." The church fell silent. "Each and every one of you had earned that title. To the survivors." He raised his glass.

Everyone raised their glasses too. "To the survivors." We all yelled back at him. "Cheers."

But his speech wasn't over. He went on "Is that what you want to be …" He looked at me, then to the others. His eyes strolled around the group. "… forge food, go to sleep at night with two eyes open, rinse and repeat?" His voice was filled with pathos. I looked over to Carl. We had wanted a night of wonderful sleep but Damn Doofy spat right into our food. "Cause you can do that. I mean you got the strength. You got the skill. The thing is, for you people for what you can do, that's just surrender." Everybody watched him speak, nobody disturbed the speech of Mighty McAsshole. But I got pissed. We had had a nice talk and I had thought he would be an asset to the group, but somehow he managed to turn it around. "Now, we get Eugene to Washington and he will make the dead die and the living will have this world again. And that is not a bad takeway for a little road trip."

Isn't this what you want? A world without a living hell, without demons around every corner. And I am not only talking of the walking dead. That was what we all wished for, wasn't it? And what if Eugene really was the one who could save the human race?

"Eugene, what's in DC?" Again the silent man spoke monotonously quite but at the same time he was a waterfall of words I didn't understand.

Abraham took over again and it seemed he enjoyed his little speech. "You all could be safe. Safer than you have ever been. Come with us." He looked to Rick and Judith. "Safe the world for the little one." I looked at Carl, who was a little one to me too. Then I looked over to Daryl. "Save it for yourselves." Save it for the ones you love … It wasn't my brother speaking. This time I was talking silently in the back of my head. What would a life with Daryl in a world without walkers look like? I tried to imagine us living in my former apartment. But I shook my head for I knew that wasn't where he wanted to live. Not in a loud city full of suit-wearers. But a house at the end of a street, where we could always go out into the woods. I smiled to myself: That would be nice.

All of a sudden laughter filled the church, what had I missed? "I'm in." Rick laughed his eyes on his daughter. "We're in!" Everybody was cheering. "Let's do it!"

Next to me Sasha gave Bob a kiss and wanted to get up, but Bob held her back. "Wait." She looked at him. "One more." He demanded softly. Slowly she got closer to him and they kissed. It was a short kiss but it looked intense. The love in Bob's eyes was even more visible when he looked after Sasha when she walked over to hold Judith. Our gaze met and he smiled sadly. Had I missed something again? Everyone was wearing a cheerful smile but Bob looked more kind of sad.

I looked over to Daryl who was glaring at me with a shy smile. When our eyes met, he looked to the ground and back to me. The way he was looking through his hair warmed my heart. I had forgotten how I had fallen for this look. The shaggy hair, the averted eyes … I smiled back at him. In my mind I was playing more scenarios than possible. Should I stand up and walk over? Should I flirt? Was I already flirting? It was like my rain had a combat for the most stupid thought. Why are you still overthinking your actions? You have all the right to be with him. But you are still fishing for thoughts in your pool of chaos. Just be yourself and be happy.

It wasn't just about Daryl. It was about strangers. I slowly became adjusted to the people around me again. It was not about my friends, it was about strangers and unknown places. I hated it all. In every corner I suddenly sensed something bad.

Before any thought could result into action, Daryl stood up to sit down next to me. He handed me some water. "Do you want some water?"

"Thanks." I answered taking a gulp. Bob stood up going to the front of the church, maybe leaving us some privacy, well as much privacy as you could get in a group of more than ten people.

"Penny for ya thoughts!" I looked back to Daryl.

"Can you imagine a life without zombies?" I whispered.

"It feels they have always been there." He retorted. Was he talking of his personal demons?

"But what if Eugene could really safe us all … what would you do?"

"We'll see if he is the god damn messiah." Daryl looked over to the newbies. He didn't seem convinced.

I sighed. Was he evading my question? "Will you go back to your hometown when this is over?" I tried it more direct, more simple.

"What do ya want to hear?" He took another bite of the canned food.

"I have no home to return to." I started and looked at our hands on the ground which were close. "I have lost it all …" I have lost my brother, Merle … I had lost so many people. And gained so much more. My eyes wandered back to Daryl, I wanted to be with him until I would die. I blushed at the thought. It had been chaotic so far … I was chaotic.

Daryl looked at me for a long time. "I will never leave ya." He touched my hand. The warmth in his eyes told me he wouldn't forsake me like I would never forsake him.

Leave behind … why would Bob leave right now? I looked back to the door where Carol made her way out. I stood up, pulling at Daryl's hand to follow me. "Come on." I said lowly, trying not attracting any attention. Something was odd. Why did Carol leave with her bag?

Daryl took his crossbow and followed. When we stood outside the church it was pitch black. Night without electricity really was dark. There was no sign of Carol or Bob. No walkers, no sounds. Suddenly Daryl pulled me to the right wordlessly seeming to know where Carol could have gone. We walked into the woods, in the direction of the street. "What are you doing?" Daryl said loudly.

I walked around Daryl to see Carol with a bloody knife. To her feet was a dead walker, but what really caught my attention was the running car behind her. "Carol?" The look on her face was blank. "What are you doing?"

She looked at us helplessly. "I don't know."

"Come on." Daryl mentioned for her to come back. Carol sighed, her shoulders hanging down.

"Carol …" I walked over to her. All of a sudden the sound of a motor arose. Carol pulled me to the car quickly hiding behind it. A car approached passing by in high speed. My heart started to thump against my chest in panic. Carol held me tight.

A car … strangers … danger. Alarm bells were ringing in my head. Daryl ran after the car. Before I realized the situation, Daryl came back smashing the brake lights. I wanted to say something but my strength was wanted in my beating heart instead of in my head.

Daryl opened the driver's door to slip in the car. "What are you doing?" Carol screamed at him.

"They got Beth!" He look up mentioning for us to get into the car. "Come one. Get in!" We get in quickly when Daryl drove after the car. Carol was sitting in the front, I was in the back trying to see the rear lights of the other car. In the moon light the car's lights were clearly visible. I hoped the driver wouldn't see us as the way we saw him.

"So it was you guys and Beth after?" Carol asked Daryl.

Daryl took a look at me in the driving mirror. "No, just me and Beth." He looked back at the road. I had never asked him … I had never dared to ask what had happened when he had been out there with Beth.

You are just jealous. He thought you were dead. You had stood with two guys and he had never asked about it either. Maybe because of the same reason you are afraid of knowing his story. I leaned back in the seat. Nothing had ever happened between these guys and me. And I guess Daryl's answer will be the same.

"We were out there for a while. We got cornered, she got out in front of me and … I don't know … she was gone." I looked at him in the mirror, but he concentrated on the street. "I came out and a car's pulling out with a white cross on the window."

"Just like that one?" Carol asked.

"Yep."

"The others are going to wonder where we went." I stated in the back.

"Tank's runnin' low." Daryl's eyes were fixed on the other car. He was determined to find Beth … I wondered if he thought about Merle in the same way. Merle … Please, just for once, forget his brother. Beth is a sweet innocent little girl. She's out there alone, scarred and maybe hurt. Merle is with Jess and a killer to the bone. I felt bad … Maybe I was jealous.

"We can end this quick. Just run him off the road." Carol had some pretty ideas in her head.

"No, we're good for a bit." While Carol was looking at him, he didn't turn to her.

"If they are holding her somewhere, we can get it out of the driver." I leaned forward.

"Yeah, but what if he doesn't? Than we're back to square one." Man, this man was pessimistic. But he is right. "Right now we got the advantage. Let's see who they are. If they are a group, see what they can do."

"Then we'll do what we get do to get her back." I ended his sentence.

Carol locked back at me. "You are talking just like Daryl."

Behind Carol I saw a sign: I-85. "They are heading north! Interstate 85." I sat back again looking out the window. I sat right behind Carol where Daryl couldn't see me in the rear view. Between the trees were walkers, but just some. Some were close to the street and I was afraid we would run one over. Why? I had some accidents on the road and none of them had serious consequences. Since when does an accident end well at all?!

We drove on until the woods disappeared and we approached a city. In the dark it all locked even more apocalyptical. Abandoned cars, ruinous buildings and lonely streets. I had never thought to enter a city again. When we drove through the streets walkers strayed through alleys, moving slowly or not at all. Maybe they were hungry, some seemed to be reduced to a skeleton. Good one. I almost laughed at my words.

Daryl slowed down like the other car. I was afraid they had noticed us, maybe they had informed someone. Maybe there were people on the roofs, maybe snipers. Don't go crazy! But be ready I looked every direction, tried to see to the roofs, but the buildings were too high. I grabbed my knife swearing under my breath I had no gun with me.

Suddenly Daryl stopped the car. Again my heart hammered heavily in my chest. Was it a trap?

"What the hell is he waiting for?" Daryl's voice was steady. Why wasn't he thinking of an ambush, just like me? You are paranoid?! Our car fell silent. I heard myself breathing the loudest.

Daryl cut off the engine and I tried to hide in the shadows. "There's two of them." He stated when the passenger door opened and a man in a police uniform stepped out of the car.

"Is that a cop?" Carol took out a gun.

"They might have seen us." I whispered peering over Carol's shoulder. I watched him walk away. Would he go around the building to get to us? Daryl reached back at me and touched my left knee slightly. The panic in my voice might have given away my fear. We all watched when the policeman came back, shoving things aside.

Suddenly a walker smacked against the window. I almost cried out loud, but stood fearful silent. The other car went on. When Daryl tried to start the engine but there was no starting sound. In the silence more snarling was heard. Our little voyeur must have attracted his companions.

"We have to move, find some place to hole up till sunlight." Daryl mentioned for the other walkers approaching our car. All of a sudden I was taken aback. It felt like they were encircling us. The last time I had been in a city I had been encircled too and it hadn't ended pretty well. You and cities are not a good match in the apocalypse, heh?! Why the sarcasm? To distract you.

"I know a place just a couple of blocks from here. We can make it." Carol answered.

What? She knew this city? I wondered if she had stood here after Rick had sent her away. Daryl opened the door and exited. I a deep breath, clutched the knife in my right hand and went after him. Carol started to jog away from the herd. "This way!" The gnarling and hissing went louder and the jog became a run. But the more we ran the more walkers followed us. They didn't have a meal in a long time and were eagerly hungry for us.

Our safe house looked like an orphanage from the outside. When we entered a building through a heavy door, Carol took a flashlight out of her bag and handed it to Daryl. I closed the door and barricaded it with a broom stick. Daryl laughed at me and looked at the small cabinet. "Help me!"

We pushed the cabinet in front of the door. "Better than a stick." He smiled and we walked on. "Ya used to work here or something?" Daryl shone with the flashlight through the corridor.

"Something." She said unsteady. Daryl scanned every possible hideout, every corner. But Carol was at ease, she took a key ring from a dead body and opened the next door.

I stood close to Daryl when we walked through the corridors. Carol knew exactly where she was going leading us through this labyrinth. "What is this place?" I couldn't really tell where we were. Was it an orphanage, a drug center, or a clinic? I couldn't tell.

"It's temporary housing."

We passed doors when suddenly a walker slapped against a milk glass door. I almost screamed, but held my hand in front of my mouth. I sighed, the walker couldn't see us. Maybe it smells you. Suddenly a small walker appeared next to the other. "Oh my god …" Carol was suddenly stiff, her eyes glued to the small shadow. She grabbed her knife and tears filled her eyes.

Daryl saw it too and took her hand. "You don't have to do this." He whispered. Carol tried to break free from his grab, but Daryl didn't let her. "Carol …" She turned and went on.

She must be thinking of her little girl. Sophia. I remembered Daryl telling me about Sophia's disappearing and death. Tears formed my eyes while I watched the shadow of the small walker. Daryl took my hand wordlessly. We ended up in a small room with a loft bunk and a kitchenette. Daryl searched the room and the toilet. "You came here?"

I remembered Ed and how he and beaten Carol in front of my eyes. I had even had a taste of my own Ed-scolding. I looked over to Carol who put her bag down. There might be scars under her shirt too. "We didn't stay." She answered. Sofia … her little girl … I remembered the small shadow from before.

The top bunk was made for a child with a colored quilt and a cuddly toy while the lower bunk looked blank. "I take the top bunk." She looked at me. "You can sleep now. I'll take first watch."

Daryl locked the door. He put away his crossbow and pulled of his jacket. "This place is locked up pretty tight." I sighed a little relieved, this meant we could all have a bit of sleep. Looking back to the bed it meant we could sleep in a real bed together. A real bed, with a pillow and a blanket. Together in one bed …

"I know." She walked over to the window with her back to us.

"Then we're good then." Daryl retorted but didn't sound confident.

"I'll keep first watch. I don't mind."

Daryl sat down on the bed looking at me. I thought about the kiss we had shared just a few hours ago, the happy feeling I had. Now it was all about fighting and staying alive … again … As if happiness and staying alive couldn't exist at the same time. And Carol wasn't happy at all. She seemed to be unease. I walked over to her to tell her everything was going to be fine.

"You said we could start over again." She was talking to Daryl. "Did you?" It seemed they hadn't really had 'that' conversation.

"I'm tryin'."

I stood now close to Carol. "What's on your mind Carol?" Something was eating her up. I reached for her hands carefully. Since we had been reunited there had been something in her eyes. Now I knew what it was. There was sadness in her eyes.

"I don't think we get to save people anymore." She played with her hands and I put mine over hers. She finally looked to me.

"Then why are you here?" Daryl asked before I could say something.

"I'm trying." Her eyes spoke of sorrow.

"If we hadn't shown up by the car … what would have happened?" I asked squeezing her hand softly. No matter what she had been through, we would stay through this life forever, supporting each other.

She smiled at me. "I still don't know."

"Let's get some rest. Tomorrow at sunlight it won't look so damn forlorn anymore." I gave her a comforting smile and she smiled back.

She reached for my face. "I have missed this smile." A tear shimmered in her eye. "Never lose your smile." The way she said it, made me realize she didn't know my story while I came to know her story.

I pulled her back to the bed and she finally laid down. "Get some rest!" I stood in front of the bed where Daryl was sitting on. Would I lie down next to him? He took my hand and pulled me towards him. "Let's get some rest."

Wasn't it weird to sleep in one bed when Carol was close? She knows … everyone knows. Why hide it? We laid next to each other starring at the upper bed. It felt real comfortable but not safe. I didn't know if I could sleep when Daryl rolled over to look at me. "Sleep." He whispered but didn't close his eyes himself. His left eye was still black and reminded me of our recent struggle for life.

"I just can't sleep." I breathed. It would be a lie if I would say I wasn't tired, but to be in a room with just one door, one escape. I slowly reached for his eye touching the dark skin carefully.

"The door is looked, like all the others in here." His eyes shimmered in the dark. "No one can get in." Daryl took my hand and looked into my eyes. He still couldn't really erase my fear of getting hurt in the night. What if the policeman had seen us? What if someone else was in here? Too many thoughts and worries. Do you really think he would sleep when he isn't a 100% sure this place is secure?!

"It will always be like that …" Carol had been right, it didn't seem that we were saving people anymore. It was fight or die. Every person I had met was bad or died eventually. Our group wouldn't get bigger, but would shrink until the last of us was dead.

Daryl got closer and embraced me putting a soft kiss on my cheek. "It won't." I cuddled into him. "We will find a safe place." His steady heartbeat made me even more tired. A welcome fatigue grew inside me and made my eye lids heavy. I drifted into sleep feeling not totally devastated.

I woke up all alone but the sun was shining bright. There was a light humming, a faint music. Daryl was gone and when I stood up Carol wasn't in her bed too. "Daryl? Carol?" There was no answer. I walked out of the door into the corridor. Hadn't there been a door to my right? Well, it had been night and I didn't remember clearly. I walked right and left following the soft humming of an old song I used to hear every day. Something was odd about this place, it was too white, too shiny, too clean. "Daryl?!" If it was a joke it wasn't funny.

When I entered the next room I stood in a kitchen. Daryl was standing at the stove and turned to me. The black eye was gone, his hair was cut and there was a huge smile on his lips. "I wanted to surprise ya." He went to the table, a pan in his hand. "I made ya favorite."

I couldn't move. The kitchen was the one of my grandmother. The door to the back yard was open. In the distance I could see the lake. Looking back at Daryl who offered me a seat. "What's my favorite?" I asked moving slowly towards him and sat down. Looking down on my plate, a pancake was smiling at me. It was actually smiling. He made a smiling face out of chocolate and fruits.

Before I could say something he kissed me. "This is what it's going to be."

"What?"

"When we'll survive this shit. It'll be ya and me." He smiled. "I want ya to be happy." Another kiss on the lips and he went to the coffee machine.

He handed me a cup of coffee and even though I knew it was a dream, the coffee tasted as sweet as hell. Daryl took my hand and pulled me out into the garden. "I am happy when I am with you." I whispered into his ear, my lips brushing his ear slightly.

"Don't you lovebirds just give me the creeps!?" Merle stood in the door with a coffee and a cigarette.

Daryl moved on pulling me with him. And as much as I wanted to be pulled away from reality, I couldn't leave Merle behind. I reached out for Merle, stretched my arm as long as possible but I couldn't reach him.

I woke up when Daryl moved. I was lying with my back to him, his arms around my body. He saw that he had awakened me and gave me a kiss on the eye to tell me to sleep. But I couldn't sleep without him. The last nights had been the same. Only close to him I could rest my eyes, let tiredness win the fight and sleep, because I knew I was save at his side.

I stood up soundless and followed him. He walked back to the door where we had seen the small shadow. When he wanted to open the door, the floor under my feet made a squeaking sound. He turned back his knife raised. He looked into my eyes. "What are ya doing here?" I shrugged my shoulders as if it wasn't obvious. He handed me his lighter. "Make a fire in the inner yard. I saw some books lying around." I nodded and went to set books on fire. My whole body shivered at the thought of burning books.

On my way to the yard I grabbed books from the ground. It were mostly children's books and some teddy bears. When I made the fire my heart cried. You are so dramatic. What is more worth in life now, to help your friends or a book? My brother had never understood my love for books. Comics aren't books. "They belong to the same category." I hissed with a smile.

I walked back in to help Daryl, but a sign caught my attention. "Library." I smiled and followed the sign. The library wasn't locked up. It was a small room with lots of shelves of books. This was my heaven. And for a second I forgot I was standing in a temporary housing in the middle of the apocalypse. I went through the shelves. Most of them were books for kids. I went to the back and found books I had never read. I pulled the books I didn't know from the shelves and they fell to my feet. Suddenly a walker looked at me through the almost empty shelve. It tried to grab through but I moved quickly backwards grabbing my knife. The walker approached me slowly. Glasses dangled around its neck and the thin hair was drawn back to a chignon. It moved utterly slowly as if it had died twice. Was it a librarian? Suddenly the walker stumbled forward and fell to the ground. It had a bag on its back filled with books. That's why it was moving so slow.

I quickly made a step forwards to crush my knife in its head. The walker didn't even seem to protest. I moved back and sat down encircled by books I wanted to read. But when would I have the time to read a book in silence and peace? I sighed starting to read the first book. "The ocean at the end of the lane." Do you really think it is the time to read now? Please just let me have some peace … just one moment of freedom.

…

"I knew I would find you here." Daryl stood in the door. "We're leaving!"

He waited until I stood up. When I wanted to step over the dead walker, I remembered its bag. I took of the bag pack and emptied it. I went back to the books I had found and happily packed them.

"Don't ya think this will weigh ya down?"

"No, this will light me up!" I smiled. I walked back and took three of the children's books and the few comic books. "Carl will love them!" For a long time in weeks it felt like there was a silver lining.

Thanks for reading so far :o)