Chapter 05

Most of the time, Lucy comes back home for dinner. When she doesn't, she usually sends a text, sometimes calls and never explains why but what she would do the day after is bring back dinner or make dinner, depending on her mood. Dinner for two isn't difficult to make but what happened today? On the other days when she's home, she always had something to say during dinner time but never did she ever talk about what she was doing at Grace's so why tonight? That's odd. What's also odd is the disguise. There's no need to hide from anyone if that's all she's doing with Grace so "why?"

"because she lives alone, no one would be bothering her if they think she's living with a guy."

That makes sense, sort of, until Lucy went on and on about how comfortable and free she felt. The disguise is comfortable?

"I can feel people looking at me differently, women look at me differently, men don't look at me at all, I didn't have to worry about them, I felt like…like…just being myself, you know."

She does have a point there. Men just can't help themselves. Even if they are just looking, there is a need to be alert at all times. Being a woman does suck. There's nothing wrong with venting her feelings. Every women goes thru that. However, it's surprising to hear that she got hit on by a woman. Again? It is funny until she sounded like she enjoyed the encounter, like she's bragging about it...like what Bobby used to do. There is something wrong. Wish Nadia were here, she would agree. Nadia isn't here but there's no reason to keep it to herself. It's just one phone call away. Besides, Nadia would be glad to know that Ethan still has a chance with Grace.

"Oh" Nadia said.

Oh? Nothing else to say other than an oh. She had a lot to say two days ago.

"I think that's great."

That is great but giving Grace lessons on how to protect herself isn't the issue. Is it me? Am I overreacting? Nadia's response later made her regret calling because Nadia is again acting like a couple therapist. The last thing she needs is getting advice about the importance of intimacy from someone who's not even married. Nadia is right about one thing though, this situation changes people. Not knowing if and when this will end, what the outcome will be, it's natural for a person to be afraid, to think of things that they wouldn't think of before, to do things that they never thought about doing before. Quarantine affects people in different ways. But cheating? Nadia didn't say that Lucy would but her numerous examples of famous couples separating due to lack of communication and intimacy suggest that.

"Babe! how do I look?"

Oh…my…god. If Nadia saw, what would she think? Lucy just came down with a new suit on, a man's suit, pants, hair tied in the back, beard, shades, everything except socks and shoes. "Are you going out?" It's late. It's time to sleep. Everything is closed.

"Just trying it out, what dya think?" Lucy straightened the tie. "Good, right?"

umm…what?

"Let me show you another outfit."

Asking Lucy if she's feeling okay crossed her mind but Lucy already went back upstairs. Besides, that would be a stupid question. She's obviously not sick. She's excited, way too excited. This is not normal. What's going on? There's only one way to find out; end the call with Nadia, go upstairs. There she is looking thru the dresser in the guest room, the room she has been sleeping in for 2 months straight now.

"Have you seen my blue tie?"

That's one question she never thought she would hear, not from Lucy anyway. There she goes, looking in the closet and under the bed as if she lost something very valuable.

"Have you seen it? It's royal blue."

"I'll…go check."

"It's silk, royal blue not navy blue."

"okaay" Amy responded before leaving, picking up each step more quickly than the previous. The tie could be in their room but that's not why she made the excuse. Something is not right and the only person who would know would be… Alexis? Scud is the one she was thinking of. Why would Alexis be calling at this hour?

Meanwhile…

"Where the hell is it?" Lucy asked, not expecting an answer from anyone since no one else is here. It's not in the closet. It's not under the bed. No need to check under the sheets…sheets…it's new, not new new, but washed new. The bed is made. Laundry? Amy did the laundry. Possible. Sometimes, socks didn't get picked up from there. It's possible she didn't pick up the tie. Let's go see. Nope. It's not in the washer either. Could it be…Nadia's bedroom? Cocoa loves to chew on things. Cocoa is with Nadia now but maybe… Let's check. Oh. It's clean…organized. Nadia wouldn't leave a mess. Closet? …hmm…maybe she threw it out. Oh well. Navy blue it is then. Black would work too, black goes with…everrrythinnng. Ohh. There's Amy leaning against the dresser with the royal blue tie in her hand. "Where was it?"

"in the blazer"

"Oh"

"I found this too."

"oh, that's umm...every man carries one. It's just to, you know, make me more believable." Lucy takes the condom from Amy's hand and puts it inside the drawer for now. Royal blue is definitely more attractive than navy blue.

What kind of answer is that? Not all man carries one. Only men who're looking for sex, men who are single and pretending to be single. "Where's your wedding band?"

Lucy explained why she took it off while taking the band from another drawer. "See" It's not loose loose but it's not as fitting as it used to be. "I think it's all the workout. I lost a few pounds, got my six packs back…see."

Yes, I can see that. There they are and here she is, showing off her six packs like what a man would do. No wonder she explained what she has been doing with Grace. It's because Alexis found out. But why hide it if there's nothing going on?

There's no need to tell anybody because there's nothing going on.

That's what Alexis said but is it really that simple? Alexis seems to think so but that's not why she called. She called because she noticed Lucy wasn't wearing her wedding band. She called because she found out that Lucy didn't stop going to Grace's place since that day she was at Grace's. She called as a concerned friend because she too noticed Lucy is acting out of the norm. Putting on a tie at this moment is abnormal behavior. Having the male disguise on at this moment is abnormal behavior.

"Are you…" Amy trailed off since Lucy isn't paying attention, still looking at herself inside the dresser mirror while adjusting the tie. It's also because 'Are you feeling okay?' would a be stupid question to ask. Of course, she's going to say she is. Dressing up as a guy doesn't mean she's not. It would make more sense to ask "Are you...still attracted to me?"

"Of course babe, why would you ask that?"

It's necessary to ask because Alexis's account of the incident is different from that of hers. She never said that Alexis was there. She never said that she was flirting with the woman in the elevator. Flirting, flirting or just talking? Why would she be flirting with another woman in front of you? Alexis didn't have an answer for that but did ask a very personal question, the same question as Nadia's. That's none of your business, Alexis. At that moment, I wanted to hang up. If I did, I wouldn't have found out that I'm not the only one who thinks Lucy is behaving oddly. It's not just the disguise; the reason Lucy provided seems strange as well. It's the cause for Alexis to be concerned. Since when did she start being so comfortable in a male disguise? And manspreading while sitting on a couch when no one else is around? That's in no way normal behavior unless she's trying out for an acting role.

"just asking"

"Are you still attracted to me?"

Only ten months of marriage, yet so much has changed. Lucy is smiling but that smile doesn't look the same. "you…look different."

"This looks better, right? It's easier to put on too. Feel it." Lucy took Amy's hand and placed it on her beard. "Feels real right, that's cuz it is, I had it made with my own hair. It's incredible what they can do these days."

Nadia is right. Quarantine does change people but this behavior of Lucy's isn't entirely out of her character. Lucy hates wearing dresses. Some women do. Lucy is tough, tougher than a lot of men. Some women can be. She likes to look at women, beautiful women like a man does. With this disguise on, it'll allow her to do so without anyone thinking that she's gay. It's now becoming more clear what's in that mind of hers. It's now impossible to dismiss those signs, numerous signs as normal behavior.

"Are you…" It's hard to believe that she would but people change. Many has thought about it and nowadays, many did something about it. "Are you…thinking of transitioning?" A laugh is expected but it never came. What came is a question, a question that she never thought she would get because Lucy is a woman, because Lucy always loves the way she looks, because Lucy hates men!...No, wait, she doesn't hate men, she's just not attracted to them. She's not attracted to them because...she's one of them? Oh...No wonder Grace once said there's a man inside that body.

"Would you...still love me?" Lucy asked again.

HELL NO. I can't. You're not Lucy if you…your face, your body would be different, you wouldn't be you. Is this why you went to Grace every day? Because she's more open, because she understood, because she doesn't mind? I can't. I...I... The kiss came in slow. Accepting it will let her know that I do. It may not be the truth but there's no need to tell her now. No one wants to hear I'll try. Now would be a good time to see if I can.

Kissing Lucy's bearded face isn't the first time but that moment was different. Taking off Lucy's royal blue tie is as easy as the last time but that was done for a different reason. Unbuttoning Lucy's black shirt took awhile since it's hard to concentrate while being kissed. There they are, the six packs, more visible now. No boobs, those are wrapped up. There's no visible hair on her upper body but there will be after she starts taken testosterone. Hairy chest, hairy legs, more muscles probably since she likes working out but that's not as… "mmm"

For whatever reason, Lucy doesn't want her shirt or pants taken off. For whatever reason, Lucy wants to look at herself in the mirror...no, look at me in the mirror. Look at us?...Oh. This has never happened before, not with Lucy in a male disguise, holding my waist from behind. Is this what others will see? just a man and a woman, not a woman with a woman. "uhmm" Oh God. Lucy's other intention just became obvious. Lucy's hands are no longer visible, hidden under my pajamas. Never has this happened before, watching myself in the mirror react this way. I get it. Things will change but this, this feeling won't. I get it. I do but… "mmm..mmn" Kisses on the neck along with the touching made it harder to think about anything other than..."uhhnn" It's now obvious what's on Lucy's mind, what's on every man's mind if they were in this situation. Just making out isn't it. Taking control is now necessary because this is getting ridiculous. It can't happen like this, not while standing, not in front of the dresser mirror.

Lucy may have more self-control than a man does but not this time. A French kiss is all it took to get her to latch on like a fish to a bait, away from the dresser mirror and towards the bed. What's the hurry? She seems to be. The disguise, those eyes looking down, gleaming with sexual desire, the position she's standing in at the end of the bed while rapidly unbuckling the belt brought back memories. Like the last time, Lucy's frustration shows but this time it's because of her zipper. It's stuck? Oh. A stuck zipper couldn't stop her from pulling the suit pants down though. Black boxer briefs? That looks better than the regular men underwear, I guess. For whatever reason, Lucy kept it on. Oh. This isn't the first time but this time, the kisses feel different. They're gentle but her beard is making my leg itchy. Pulling it back is necessary. It tickles. Shrieking in laughter can't be controlled. "uhh" It doesn't hurt, just not expecting her to suddenly lunge forward. It's now obvious what's underneath her boxer briefs. It's now obvious Lucy has every intention to continue what she was doing before, just not in front of the mirror and not standing up. "mmm" That can't be controlled. I shouldn't have because moaning in pleasure would only give her the wrong idea. It's hard not to though. With the soft kisses on the back and shoulder, being touched from behind, her gentle touches on the sensitive areas, it's hard to feel anything else but pleasure. It's hard to control what the body wants. It's hard to...Oh My God! As good as this feels, it's now necessary to stop Lucy from continuing because the door is wide opened! Nadia isn't here. Nobody is but there's a chance she could come back. It's late but it's possible. There. Locked. Oh.

If Nadia were here, she wouldn't think that there's an issue with our marriage. She wouldn't think that Lucy is having an affair with Grace but she would think that there's still something wrong with Lucy who is now sitting on the edge bed, waiting and manspreading! No wonder Alexis noticed. It's hard not to. For whatever reason, Lucy just gave the hand signal to stay put. Why? Oh. When did she... Music just came on, no voices, just soft, relaxing, music. "What?" Music isn't loud but asking her to repeat is necessary because it sounds like she just ask me to strip.

"please"

You would like that, wouldn't you. Just like a man would. Okay...fine. It's not like I haven't done it before, just not with music. Why does this feel so strange? She seems pleased. Why do I feel so uncomfortable? She seems excited. Why am I so nervous? She doesn't seem to be. Why is my heart pounding? like it's the first time. Why is she looking at me like it's the first time she sees me in my undies? Her glowing smile, her beard, the open shirt, boxers, the way she's sitting, she does look like a man. Let's just turn the lights off first. "mmm" Looks like she doesn't mind. This time, she's not behind me. There's no need to. The lights are off but this still feels different. It's not just the beard. Maybe it has been too long. Maybe it's this room. Maybe it's because there's music. Maybe it's this bed. Maybe it's this position. Lying on the queen size bed without clothes on and with legs dangling over the edge does feel a bit... "UHH!...hahh, hahhh…mm…mmn…uhhh…" Oh God. It's not the first time but it has been a long time, so long that feeling has long been forgotten. It seems that Lucy also forgot what she was told or she's not taking a no for an answer like most men don't in this situation or she again wants to prove her point that sex change isn't going to change how this feels. As good as this feels, it's now necessary to grab her by the ears and ...

"It's okay. I used protection."

"What!" Now it's necessary to crawl to the head of the bed to turn the desk lamp on. Did she just... Whatever it was Lucy just grabbed from the bed and hid behind her, she didn't explain. "Come here" Ohh…Lucyy. That look of apology is visible on her bearded face but does she know what she did wrong? "How many times do I have to tell you not to do that?" As good as it felt, she should've known not to do it again, protection or no protection. Did she think I was kidding? "Stand up" It is a strange request. It seems that she knows what she did wrong since she stood up without asking why after a few seconds of hesitation. There it is, under the black boxer briefs, the one thing that she probably wished she has because her life would have been so much easier if she did. That needs to go. Lying back down will let her know that she's been forgiven...or maybe not; she's still standing on the bed unmoved. Maybe I shouldn't have put her boxer briefs back up. Doesn't matter, all it'll take is 3 simple words and letting go of the jumbo size pillow. Like all men, Lucy hates being told what to do but not in this case. This time, Lucy didn't hesitate. The three simple words succeeded to make those eyes widen, those dimples appear.

"I love it when you say it like that."

See, that's all it took to get the mood to where it was before. "mmm" This is usually what happens when the body comes into contact with hers but this time is deliberate to let Lucy know that pleasure can be achieved without that thing. What happened next isn't deliberate though. It's difficult to keep the noise down. There's no reason to. It's difficult to keep the eyes open but it's necessary.

"I love you"

This part of Lucy hasn't changed. Lucy always says that every time, sometimes before it happens, sometimes afterwards, most of the time while it's happening like now.

Making love in this position happened many times before but this feels different. Why does this feel so different? It's just facial hair. Is this what it's like to be with a man? She looks like a man but she doesn't have the scent of a man. Those eyes are the same. Those dimples are still there, not as visible with the facial hair. Her arms are more toned. Her butt is firmer than before. Her body is the same but why does this feel so different? Maybe the lights are on. That's possible. Let's see...or rather not see...mhm...darkness does make a difference. It's more..."uhn...uhn!" That hurts. "uhn!" It never hurts like this before. "oww"

"sssshh…"

"Don't shush me."

"It's comin babe."

"What?"

"It's going to happen this time"

"What?"

"It's comin…oh God, it's comin"

"What!" Now it's necessary to wrap around Lucy's waist, then roll on top of her because she's not stopping.

"What the hell is that!"

Amy opened her eyes, quickly realizing what just happened. It was the jolt, the turbulence, and someone calling out that woke her up. What the hell was that? Whatever it was, no announcement is made. Seat belt sign is on, hopefully not for long. Having a dream like that would make anyone want to go to the restroom. Oh good. It's off. Go, go, go. It's unoccupied. Thank goodness. That was crazy but it wasn't just a dream, more like a memory, most of it except for the last part. That was real not the fake one that Lucy had on. The desire to have a baby and the difficulties involved must have somehow caused her subconscious mind to create that. It would've been so much easier if she has one.

"Oh, she called." Better call her back before she freaks out. "hey" Oh yeah, she got the note. An 8.5 by 11 inches white piece of paper taped to the dresser mirror in the guest bedroom would be hard to miss unless she stayed over at Grace's.

"Where are you!"

Oh yea, she's freaking out.

"Babe, what you doinnn?"

Everything is explained in the note so why is she still asking? "Did you know about Mr. P?" The moment of silence didn't last long. Apologies followed. There's no need to apologize. There's no need to explain either. She could continue to hide it if she wants. I wouldn't know. "I…...mhm...honey...…babe...Luce...Lucy!" Speaking loudly is necessary since she won't stop talking. "I don't blame you, okay?" The reason for Lucy to keep Mr. P's death to herself is obvious. First Max, then Mr. P. No one would want to see their love one go thru that emotional state again.

"Then come back. I'll stop going to Grace's. I'll clean the bathrooms. I'll be here with you everyday, okay?"

Wow. This is unexpected. Staying at home everyday would drive her nuts. "I'm not mad at you for hanging out with Grace, okay?"

"Then I'm going there. You hear me! If you don't come back, I'm going over there! If you get infected, I will die with you!"

Now that's more like it. That's her normal behavior. "I can't stop you from trying but please don't. I have clearance. You don't. I know I'm being selfish but you know why I have to do this. You did the same thing once, remember?" She should since she still has the megastar's number. "I did what you asked then. Now, I'm asking you to do the same, okay?" Lucy is one who doesn't listen to reason. Surprisingly, it worked this time. She has nothing to say.

"That's not the same!"

Really? She can be such a hypocrite, sometimes, funny too when she gets mad, sometimes. "listen…" It's hard to hear with the engine noise. "When I get back, we can try something different, if you want. You can keep the disguise on too, I don't mind...but...I am not going to get down on you and I don't want that thing inside me! If you're thinking of transitioning, DON'T! I will leave you, you hear me, I will leave you if you do! Okay, that's all. Call you later. I love youuu." That needs to be said in case she thinks last night was an approval. That can't be written down on the paper since she might not be the first one to notice that. …ahhh…now I feel much better...

It wasn't clear, but clear enough to know what Amy said before she hung up. The faces from more than six feet away may be covered but their eyes can be seen thru the face shield so no doubt, they must have heard too. It was too late to take the phone away from Janet, too late to turn off the speaker. If Amy knew Scud heard too, she's going to be embarrassed, then she's going to be pissed, then she's going to kill me so "Do Not tell her about this."

"You're thinking of transitioning?" Janet asked while standing in a hazmat suit but didn't get a response from Lucy other than a glare. "What?"