What I Wish I Could've Said

Rated: T

Disclaimer: I own nothing... Obviously. Just playing in someone else's sandbox for a bit.

Summary: Hindsight is always 20/20. Everyone has a single moment that they wish they could have said something better than what they actually did. A completely random series of what-if vignettes.

Ch 4: That Time Brennan Didn't Understand

The upbeat and repetitive music, combined with the laughter of young children, floated on the breeze to Brennan's ears as she watched Parker riding on the carousel. The late afternoon sun warmed her skin as she sat on a bench in Hillside Park. Booth sat beside her on the bench, tense and riddled with guilt, as he watched his son - who was smiling and happily enjoying the ride, in a marked contrast to his father's brooding demeanor. At that moment, Brennan refocused on what Booth was saying. It wasn't that she had meant to tune out, but her desire to hear Booth lament the loss of his relationship with Cam was almost nonexistent. It wasn't that she didn't sympathize with either one of them, because she did - to the best of her ability. And, she did want to be a support partner and friend to Booth. But, there was only so much she could handle at any one time. So, while Brennan wasn't giving Booth her complete and undivided attention, she did participate in their conversation as she half-listened, half-let her mind wander. However, she immediately noticed when Booth's demeanor shifted a bit, as marked by when his voice suddenly softened just a fraction, so much so that it was almost indiscernible from his earlier tone of voice - to all but Brennan. She was suddenly glad she had chosen to actually pay attention to what she was responding to as Booth continued to speak after the shift she had noticed in him occurred.

"Yeah. People who work in . . . high-risk situations they can't be involved romantically because it leads to things like what happened," Booth told her.

Brennan became slightly confused at his words. Combined with his slight change in tone, she was suddenly unsure if Booth was referencing his self-confessed recent break up with Cam… or maybe - just maybe - something else?

"High-risk situations," Brennan offered lamely in response as she tried to maintain her end of the conversation, but feeling slightly foolish as she merely repeated Booth's own phrasing as she struggled to make sense of his possible double talk.

Booth nodded, not seeming to notice her unease, as if her parroted words had been the perfect thing to say. "Every single day it's with us. There's this line, and we can't cross it. You know what I'm saying?"

Shaking her head, frustration mounting, Brennan suddenly looked at Booth, directly in the eyes and said, "No, Booth. I'm sorry, I don't."

"Which part, Bones?" Booth asked indulgently.

Holding his gaze, Brennan said honestly, "All of it." She took a breath and then pushed onward. "A line? What line? Where? Where do you see a line, Booth? How did it just suddenly appear? And, if there was something that kind of looked like a line, who said that that's definitely what it is? Why does it have to be a line? And, more importantly, who suddenly said there was this line that was applicable to us, between us?"

"It's not a physical line, Bones," Booth said, hesitating as he grappled to find the right words to make her understand. "It's… metaphorical."

"Why?" Brennan pressed. "To what end?"

Booth looked at her, a bit of exasperation coming into his face at her numerous questions. "Because, Bones. We.. what happened between Cam and I? That… that can't ever happen between you and I."

"Us participating in a mutually exclusive sexual relationship or you breaking up with me because you're afraid?" Brennan asked plainly.

For a split second, Booth looked like she had hit him as hard as she could in the gut with her blatant directness. But, shaking it off, he quickly recovered and answered her question.

"Either," Booth muttered. "Both. Geez, Bones," Booth sighed, running his hand through his hair in anxiety. "You aren't making this easy for me."

"Why should I?" Brennan said. "You and me, Booth… that… that means it's both of us, not just one of us. It's not fair for you to unilaterally dictate things like this."

"Both of us?" Booth asked. "Since when is there a 'both of us'?"

"Hasn't there always been, Booth?" Brennan pointed out. "Since the very first day, we've called it all different types of things – sexual attraction, a partnership, just to name a few of the ones we more frequently employ. But, as it's most simple form, it always comes down to the same thing... you and me."

"That's no good, Bones. I just... if something were to happen to you because of something I did or didn't do, it- I can't lose you, Bones," Booth said. "I can't—I just can't do it."

"Why do you think you'd lose me?" Brennan asked. "We've worked well enough without any stupid line between us for almost two years, and you haven't lost me yet. Why do we need to change things now?"

"I don't know, Bones," Booth admitted, realizing her logic did make a certain amount of sense, from a certain point of view. "I-"

"We don't need any line between us, Booth. Things are just fine as they are," Brennan insisted.

"You really think so?" Booth asked quietly.

Brennan nodded. "Yes. I do."

"Okay, so, yeah- maybe… it was a stupid idea, wasn't it?" Booth asked, hopefully as he looked at Brennan.

"Yeah, Booth. It was, is really. It really, really is a stupid idea," Brennan agreed with a smile.

Looking at her, Booth returned it with a grin of his own, thoughts of establishing any line between them quickly and finally forgotten.

-TBC-