What I Wish I Could've Said

Rated: T

Disclaimer: I own nothing... Obviously. Just playing in someone else's sandbox for a bit.

Summary: Hindsight is always 20/20. Everyone has a single moment that they wish they could have said something better than what they actually did. A completely random series of what-if vignettes.

Ch 8: That Time Booth Admitted the Standard

She didn't want to be having this conversation. She really didn't. But, he'd listened to her wax on about Andrew Hacker, and as partners and friends, at the very least, Brennan owed Booth the same courtesy, even if it was shredding her metaphorical heart to pieces every time she thought of Booth and the marine biologist, together, in a social sense.

Together. And, she has a PhD, Brennan thought. She's a scientist with a PhD, who has brown hair and blue eyes. Surely, that's not a coincidence? Booth's never dated a brunette before that I know of… he prefers blondes. Surely, him succumbing to the overtures of a woman like Catherine Bryar isn't coincidental? The timing... it's got to mean something, right? I know... I know after we had that horrible, horrible conversation in front of the Hoover that he said he was going to have to move on from his feelings about me, but- is this how he's going to do it? Find someone like me so that he can... replace me? Is that it? Is he trying to replace me already? Or, is he just trying to do what I'm doing – use a pale imitation to cope with not having the real thing? This is so infuriatingly confusing.

Booth had made another comment about Bryar as they walked towards the elevators, and Brennan – who was only half paying attention as she struggled with her thoughts– said vaguely, "She's very nice. The two of you seem compatible."

"Maybe," Booth answered her vague comment with a vague response of his own. "We'll see."

Still feeling a bit self-conscious, Brennan couldn't help it as she suddenly and quite desperately needed to know what Booth thought of Bryar. Her full attention returned to her partner, Brennan met his gaze and tried to seem as informal as possible as she spoke, despite the fact that she had chosen each word she uttered with deliberate care and consideration.

"She's easily as pretty as I am," Brennan seemed to muse nonchalantly. Booth looked at her for a few seconds, but, despite her claim, he seemed content to remain quiet. Realizing she wasn't going to get him to answer to the question that she really needed to hear, Brenan then added, " I mean, using me as a standard."

This time as she spoke, this time, her words did elicit a response from her partner. Booth stared at her, a look of blatant honesty on his face. Brennan recognized that look. It flashed on his face quickly, only for a few brief seconds before it was gone. She could tell Booth was doing his best to push it away and hide it. However, Brennan knew that look now - it was the same look of pure honest emotion that had shone on Booth's face the night he had tried to push her to make a choice before she was ready to dos so and things had gone wrong so very badly. It twisted in Brennan's gut like a knife, and immediately, she again began to wonder if she had made a mistake. The metaphorical knife went in a bit deeper to her psyche when Booth met her eyes and said, "Bones, you are the standard."

And, there it was - her answer... and it wasn't the one that Brennan had been expecting.

Suddenly, the pain in her heart that had seemed to be growing each time she thought of what had happened when she panicked and rejected Booth seemed to fade just a little bit. In it's place, Brennan found a new sensation replacing it. She wasn't quite certain what it was, but she knew it wasn't all bad. It didn't hurt, and that in and of itself was a positive thing.

Finally, unable to help herself, Brennan felt herself half-blush in pleased embarrassment and half-flush in pleasurable hope. He still cares about me? Brennan thought. After all I've done to him? He still cares about me? How is that even possible? That doesn't make any logical sense. And, so, ever the scientist, Brennan sought empirical verification of her assumption. Lifting her gaze to meet Booth, she ventured quietly, "Really?"

The look of disbelief that washed over Booth's face heartened Brennan even as his words suddenly soothed a growing insecurity that Brennan unknowingly had seemed to develop about Booth when he replied, "Of course, really. Why would you ever doubt that?"

Looking away, Brennan was silent for a minute. The deluge of new data, united only in the fact that it was about emotions, Booth, and Booth and Brennan, seemed like it might be confusing to her. However, in reality, the information merely combined to crytalize a thought that had been at the edge of Brennan's conscious mind for some time now. Realizing the foolishness of her previous thoughts, Brennan knew all she could do was admit the error and any subsequent assumptions she had made because of said error. She began that process by confessing to Booth with a small shrug of her shoulders. "Because."

"Because, why, Bones?" Booth pressed her.

"Because," Brennan repeated. "I thought… maybe, that since you said—"

Her voice trailed off. Booth shifted on the balls of his feet, watching as Brennan stood in front of the elevator. Fortunately, fate seemed to be favoring him, as the elevator seemed to be taking an inordinate amount of time to arrive.

"Since I said what, Bones?" Booth asked again.

Her eyes darting around nervously, Brennan tilted her head at she looked a Booth. She knew what she needed to do, and it wasn't that she was particularly afraid of doing it, but- she suddenly wished they weren't in such a public place. Finally, she bit her lip only for a couple of seconds before she said, "I.. I'll answer your question, Booth. But—not here, okay?"

"Okay," he said with a nod, understanding what Brennan was saying without her having to say it. "Do you have enough time to come back to my office?"Booth offered.

Brennan reached for her phone. Flipping it open, she glanced at the clock, and realized how late she already was to her coffee date with Hacker. Prioritizing her goals, Brennan quickly punched a few buttons on the phone, sent the apologetic text message, turned the phone to silent, and then firmly closed it before she placed it back in her pocket. Nodding, Brennan said, "I do now." She then took a step away from the elevator and moved back down the familiar corridor.

Booth followed as Brennan walked towards his office. Once the two of them were inside the safety offered by the familiar refuge of Booth's domain, he shut the door. Gesturing to their normal pair of chairs under his lithograph of Hoover and the Kennedy Brothers where they usually sat during the more informal discussions they sometimes had had in this place over the years, Booth waited for Brennan to sit down before he would follow her lead.

After hesistating only for a few seconds, as she tentatively sat down in her usual spot, Brennan nodded at Booth and said, "Can you shut the blinds, please?"

"Sure," Booth said, refraining from questioning the strange nature of his request. Booth could sense the shift in Brennan's demeanor, and although he couldn't explain why it had happened, he knew her well enough to trust his gut when it said 'proceed with caution.' Once he had done as Brennan asked, Booth returned to his own chair and sat down as casually as he could manage. Leveling his gaze at her Booth said, "Okay now?"

Brennan nodded slowly as she looked at him. She took a deep breath and then said, "What I was going to say before—"

"Yeah, Bones?"

"Well," Brennan said, suddenly pushing forward with a confidence that put Booth off a little when he had read hesistation and nervousness in her bearing only a couple of minutes earlier. "I... well, what I was going to say - and I can't really explain why I thought this, Booth, I just did - but, I thought that maybe after that... that night… when you said that you needed to move on?" She stumbled over those last words, and Booth felt himself unintentionally tense at her mention of their ill-fated conversation. However, he remained quiet, and Brennan seemed to steel her resolve as she quickly resumed speaking. "Well, I thought that maybe, now, given Catherine's interests in you that you'd somehow managed to do it rather expediently and moved on... that you'd finally done it with Catherine, and so, logically, I surmised that I could no longer be your standard." She paused, stopping to swiftly intake a deep breath before she added softly, "I thought you'd replaced me already, and so that's why I thought-"

Shaking his head, Booth interrupted her as he said slowly, "That could never happen."

"But, why?" Brennan asked.

"Because," Booth insisted. "I'm just dating her, Bones. It's... casual. It's not like I'm marrying her."

"But," Brennan began. "Logically, a male pursues a female with the goal of mating with her in the hopes of establishing a long-relationship whereby they—"

"Bones, stop," Booth said gently, but emphatically. He nodded at her and said, "Just stop for a second, huh?"

Biting her lip, Brennan slowly nodded.

"You'll always be my standard," Booth told her. He seemed to be testing each word on his tongue before he continued. "Catherine, well, to be honest, Bones? I'm only with her right now because I can't be with the person I really want to be with… and, Catherine, well, she's just enough like the real thing that sometimes, just sometimes, I can forget who she is and pretend… and then I don't feel quite as lonely as I did. Do you understand that?"

Her brow furrowed in sadness, Brennan said softly, "I'm so sorry."

"For what?" Booth asked, truly uncertain was to why Brennan seemed to be upset.

"I never meant to hurt you," she told him. "I never meant to make you feel badly."

Booth considered her words for a moment before he nodded. "I know that, Bones. I know that."

Suddenly, her hand shooting out to reach his, Brennan pulled it firmly towards her lap as she intertwined her fingers with his. Booth didn't resist, and finally met her eyes when Brennan looked up at his. "Will… will you let me—"

"Let you what, Bones?" Booth breathed, not daring to hope once again that she was about to say something he'd only dreamed.

"Will you let me make it up to you?" Brennan promised. "Please? I… I can't stand it anymore, Booth. I've been driving myself crazy whenever I think of you and her, together. And, it's torture. Pure psychological torture. And, more importantly, I don't want to do it anymore. I… I want to be the one that maybe… maybe I can be the one to make you feel less lonely than you did before?"

Holding her gaze with his, Booth nodded. "You really mean that, Bones? Do...do you understand what you're saying by making an offer like that?"

"I know you think I don't," Brennan admitted. "I know... given what I said before... I know it doesn't make any sense, Booth. I know that. And, I can't explain it, but... I'm going with my 'gut' on this one-" Booth seemed to chuckle at this small comment, and it made Brennan feel better in a situation that suddenly seemed so serious and so strange to her. But, still, as if she were blindly groping in the dark, Brennan struggled for the right words. "But, yes," Brennan nodded. "I do. I do really mean it. And, I do understand what I'm saying... and I still want to make the offer- that is… if you want me to?"

His warm brown eyes held her slightly bewildered blue ones for a minute. Brennan waited for the proverbial other shoe to drop before a smile suddenly cracked the edge of the solemnity that had settled over Booth's face. The smile then slowly widened, and grinning at her, Booth squeezed Brennan's hand reassuringly as he said, "That's all I've ever wanted, Bones. You. Just you."

-TBC-