What I Wish I Could've Said

Rated: T

Disclaimer: I own nothing... Obviously. Just playing in someone else's sandbox for a bit.

Summary: Hindsight is always 20/20. Everyone has a single moment that they wish they could have said something better than what they actually did. A completely random series of what-if vignettes.

Ch 13: That Time Brennan Called Booth on It

Her pulse was racing and her heart was pounding. He was here. They were here… finally—on the same page at the same time. He was ready. She was ready. They were ready.

Tilting her head, she looked over at him with a smile. Brennan had already tried to set the scene, so to speak, to tell Booth what she really wanted to say to him—to let him know what she'd been thinking for months. However, it wasn't coming out very well when he was this upbeat, this…playful. Making a lame joke about still being able to take care of herself when Booth wasn't there to do it for her was the closest the Brennan could come to starting to make her confession.

It was awkward for a few seconds, as they tried to see if the rapport was still there. After all, seven months was a long time to be separated from people you cared about… people—or the person—who you loved.

I was foolish to think that I'd ever be able to return and nothing would've changed. In some ways, yes, it's true… one revolution around the sun is such a short period of time. In some ways, time went by very, very fast, Brennan thought. But, on the other hand, in some ways, I don't think I could've lied a bigger lie. In some ways, it was such a long, long time. And, how glad…how very glad I am that Caroline called us all back here… early. Five months early. I've received a reprieve—a stay of execution, so to speak. And, I don't intend to waste it this time, Booth. Never again.

Now that the euphoria of seeing Booth had lessened, and she was less distracted by having reaffirmed her decision, Brennan noticed that something was off with Booth. It was subtle, very faint… but it was there. Now that Brennan had noticed it, she couldn't believe that she had ever missed it, even though she and Booth had only been sitting chatting like the two old friends they were for a few minutes.

Friends, she thought wryly. Well, thank God that I won't have to use that highly inaccurate term to describe my relationship with Booth anymore after tonight. Just a few more minutes—maybe after I find out why he's acting so strange… so casual?

Feeling that her plan was a good one, Brennan opened her mouth to take a breath and speak. However, she was suddenly interrupted when Booth's grin transitioned as he too chose that exact moment to ask a question himself.

"Aww… Bones!" Booth paused, still smiling at her. His voice, which Booth was struggling to keep casual and light, then asked the question that broached the topic Brennan had planned to bring up in fairly short order anyway. "So, did you meet anyone special?"

Narrowing her eyes in suspicion and worry, Brennan didn't know whether to feel ecstatic or dread. Is he asking me because he's worried that I found someone else to replace him while I was gone? I mean, even if he doesn't know it, it's not like I've had sex in almost a year, anyway… so what was another seven months? Maybe—maybe he's afraid I found someone to engage in a casual sexual relationship with while we were separated?

Needing to clarify the point, so that she could quickly reassure him, Brennan asked, "You mean, did I have sex with anyone?"

Booth held her gaze again, and then chuckled. It was a fake chuckle, tinny and brittle—not at all like his normal warm and genuine laugh. "I missed that about you, you know? You just cut right to the chase..." He let his voice trail off before he confirmed the answer to her question with a slight nod. "Yeah."

Suddenly, something twisted in the pit of Brennan's stomach. Why is he doing this? Booth only states the obvious when he's nervous. What's he got to be nervous about? God, he does think I've replaced him, doesn't he? Does he think that's why I didn't try to contact him since that day at the airport? God, Booth. I tried. I wrote 38 different letters to you and tore up every single one. I drafted 87 emails… one every other day I was in Maluku… but I never sent them—just wrote them and hit delete. I tried to call you once a month—seven times in all—but each time, I never had the courage to hit the final number. How could you ever think that I could replace you? You mean more to me than that—so much more.

Nodding, Brennan decided in that moment, she wouldn't let another second pass without telling him. But, first—first she would reassure him. There was no reason to fear on his part. She hadn't replaced him—she never would, she never could.

Tentatively, Brennan began, "I was working…."

Booth nodded his head as he looked over at her and gave a very vague response. "Hmm…."

Feeling her resolve strengthen, Brennan continued in her efforts to put Booth at ease. "So, there was no time or inclination for sex or… romance."

She nodded at him, smiling. There, I've done it. Now, he knows. He's the only one. But, as Brennan looked up, instead of seeing the wave of relief and happiness that she expected her words to bring Booth, instead, she saw a look that made her stomach clench in physical pain. When she looked in his eyes, she didn't see relief, or happiness, or anything, but… no, there was nothing there. Suddenly, he was closed off to her. She couldn't... it just... there wasn't anything there for her anymore when she looked into his eyes. I can't… why can't I read you anymore, Booth? What's happened? Brennan thought, suddenly panicked. I… why can't I understand what you're feeling anymore? I don't understand—oh, God. No. I… No… Please. *No*.

But, the question had to be asked… it had to, as Brennan felt the capability to breathe now a very difficult thing to maintain as she managed to choke out the question that would either liberate her heart to the metaphoric, awe-inspiring heights of the romantic heavens or bury it forever beneath the depths of broken promises, dashed hopes, and lost dreams.. "How… about you?

And, then, there it was: a slow nod, a faint smile, an expectant look in his brown eyes—and one that had nothing to do with her. And, in that second, Brennan's world cracked into a thousand pieces.

"Yeah… I'll show you. Hannah. She's a journalist, war correspondent."

As Booth reached for his phone, Brennan suddenly felt a wave of panic wash over her. She scrambled to her feet and backpedaled away from Booth, as if he were a poisonous leper.

"No—" Brennan called out, her single utterance rich with the pain she now felt.

Booth's head snapped up at her movements and the single word. For a split second, Brennan thought she saw the flicker of something familiar in his eyes, but then it was gone as soon as it appeared. Titling his head casually at her, Booth asked, "Bones?"

Shaking her head, Brennan backed away again. "Put it away."

"What?"

"The phone," Brennan breathed, as if each word were painful for her to speak. "The damn phone, Booth. I don't want to see it."

"But, I want to show you—"

"No!" Brennan muttered again. "No… I don't want—"

"But, Hannah—"

"NO!" Brennan said, unable to help herself as such a strong and emotional outburst. She felt as if she were flailing, spinning out of control. Down was up, up was down, right was left, and left was right. In the span of a few seconds, suddenly her world didn't make any sense any more, and Brennan didn't know what to do.

Tensing, she shook her head as she pointed at Booth. "This is not how this was supposed to go."

Carefully, calmly, in an even voice that Brennan recognized as the one that Booth often employed to calm crazed suspects, he looked up at her and asked, "Not how what was supposed to go, Bones?"

Gesturing with her arm, back and forth at the space between them, Brennan said, "Tonight. You. Me. Us. This is not how it was supposed to go, not how it was supposed to turn out." She paused, suddenly not realizing that tears had started to prick the corner of her eyes. "I didn't come here tonight to hear that you… replaced me, Booth." She shook her head firmly and said, "I came here tonight to tell you the truth."

"What truth, Bones?"

"That… I love you," Brennan said. She hastily brought the back of her hand to wipe away the tears that had started to run down her cheek as she sniffled. Shaking her head, as she tried to clear her vision, she didn't process the fact that Booth had a look on his face of his own as the facade that had been in place since they'd hugged earlier was now cracked, too.

"Bones—"

Slowly standing up, raw emotion clearly evident on his face, Booth tried to reach out for her, but Brennan quickly stumbled away from his touch.

"No!" Brennan said again. "I… this is not how this was supposed to be… not how it was supposed to go. I came here tonight to tell you that I love you and to apologize for what happened before we left and to see what would happen after all of that… but, if you've found someone else… if you've replaced me… then I-I… none of that matters anymore…. I don't matter anymore."

"Bones—" Booth repeated.

"No!" Brennan said, suddenly feeling the panic overwhelm her. "This was a mistake. I never should've come here… and I can't do this anymore."

And, spinning on her heels, Brennan turned away from Booth and ran as fast and as far away from him as her feet could carry her.

-TBC-