What I Wish I Could've Said

By: Lesera128

Rated: T

Disclaimer: I own nothing... Obviously. Just playing in someone else's sandbox for a bit.

Summary: Hindsight is always 20/20. Everyone has a single moment that they wish they could have said something better than what they actually did. A completely random series of what-if vignettes.

Ch 34: That Time That Booth Wouldn't Say Goodbye

Her stomach felt as if it were tied into a thousand tiny knots that became tighter each time she said goodbye to one more of her friends. Hodgins, Cam, and Angela―in some ways, Brennan had thought that perhaps Angela would be the hardest to say goodbye to as she stood in front of the ticketing counter at Dulles International Airport.

That is, at least that's what I would think if Booth were here, and I had to say goodbye to him―I think it might be so hard that I don't know if I could do it, a thought morosely echoed in her head as Angela wished her luck and gave her a hug. But, at least…at least I won't have to do that―at least, last night, we said our goodbyes in private…and even if I didn't say what I really wished I could've said, at least―at least it's done. Because, if he were here right now, I don't think I could do this. Damn it…I don't want to do this now, and he's not even here. I mean, I know I have to go. Going―it's the right thing to do. I'm sure of it. I…I-I…I just wish I didn't have to go.

The hustle and bustle of the airport continued to exacerbate the pressures and feelings of anxious dread that Brennan had been feeling since she'd begun packing her bags a week before and had only continued to grow worse with each day, with each hour that she came closer to getting on the flight that would take her thousands of miles away from her home, her family, her friends, her work…and away from Booth.

Why didn't he ask me to stay? the errant thought continued to echo in Brennan's head. If he'd just asked…said a single word. Anything…a sign. Anything to let me know that he didn't want me to go―that he'd wanted me to stay. Why didn't he? Did I hurt him that badly? Does he really think that what might've been between us is gone because of that stupid damn mistake I made in front of the Hoover a couple of months ago? God, Booth…why didn't you stop me? All you had to do is stop me, just try to stop me, and I wouldn't be getting on this plane. I wouldn't be going so far away. I wouldn't be leaving you―I wouldn't be leaving us.

As Brennan continued to mentally torture herself―much as she'd spent the last two weeks since she'd accepted the position of the head of the Maluku Islands Research Initiative Project―a scratchy and tinny, but decidedly female voice, with what sounded like an English accent echoed over the airports PA system. "Attention please―first class passengers on Flight 318 to Jakarta may now begin to board."

Realizing that she'd reached the point of no return, Brennan didn't need to hear Daisy Wick's annoying reminder of that painful fact, but managed to remain civil when the intern spoke. "Dr. Brennan, we really have to go."

Turning to her, Brennan gave a curt nod as she cleared her throat and then replied, "Yes."

Bending down, she started to adjusted the handle on her rolling suitcase when suddenly could feel something so strongly that she knew she must be imagining it.

No, it can't be, a small voice whispered in her ear. You're imagining things. He can't be here…right?

Slowly raising her head, she looked up, through the crowds, immediately her eyes sought and found the one thing that―if she'd believed in a supreme prime mover―she would've said was an answer to the unspoken prayers she'd been muttering all morning…really, all night and morning, since Booth had left her apartment the previous evening.

Dr. Camille Saroyan, however, summed up the situation best when she saw Brennan freeze and then followed the forensic anthropologist's eyes as they remained fixed on a very familiar form that continued to move with purposeful and deliberate steps. "Oh, my God," Cam breathed in a low voice, causing everyone but Brennan to stop moving. Instead, Cam's words had the complete opposite effect, and seemed almost as if they'd released her to almost jog towards him as if he were a magnet and she a piece of steel drawn towards him whether it was her volition to be pulled in that direction or not.

At last, when they met each other half way, Brennan looked up at him in wonderment. Booth gave her a sheepish smile as he finally broke the silence between them.

"Sorry, I'm late, but I had to come say goodbye," he told her simply.

"But―" Brennan said, her voice suddenly incredibly vulnerable as a similar look washed over her face. "We said goodbye," Brennan told him. The vulnerable look quickly transitioned to one of confusion as she added, "I thought we agreed...last night. That would be it, and we wouldn't..." Her voice cracked as her words trailed off because a horrible thought had suddenly occurred to her. "Oh, God, Booth, please don't do this to me. Don't make me say goodbye twice, because I don't think I can do it."

"Okay, I lied," he said with as firm and comforting a smile as he could. "I'm not here to say goodbye...I'm not. I swear it." He stopped and then paused before he continued, "Oh, God, Bones―I know what you said yesterday about how much it was hurting you to do this. As a matter a fact, that's one of the reasons I'm here. I just couldn't get those words outta my head. They've been on this constant loop in my brain for the last fourteen hours. And, the look you had on your face―you were in so much pain. God, it was killing me. So...I wouldn't―I couldn't do that to you. I promise...no I swear."

"Then…what are you doing here?" she asked. "I thought you were at Fort McNair."

"I was," he said with a nod and a gesture to the desert camo fatigues he wore. "I was…but, I left."

"You didn't go AWOL did you?" Brennan asked, concern evident on her face. "Please tell me that you didn't―"

"No," he said with another shake of his head. "I didn't go AWOL."

"But, I don't understand," Brennan replied, the look of confusion on her face growing. "That doesn't make any sense. How can that be?"

Raising a hand to the back of his head, Booth gestured at his hair. "I was about to sign the final re-enlistement paperwork this morning…and I was going to get my hair buzzed regulation after that, and I was standing in one of the offices that I know I've been in a thousand times before, even if I've only been there once―the paperwork on the desk in front of me…and as I stared at the terms of my enlistment, I raised my hand to the back of my head to run my fingers through it―"

"You do that a lot," Brennan unintentionally interrupted. "You do it when you're thinking about something that you're perplexed or confused about," she explained.

"I do?" he blinked in clear surprise.

Nodding, Brennan added, "Yes…you've don't it for at least as long as I've known you―probably even longer than that, if I had to guess."

"Oh," he said. "I didn't know that." He stopped and then said, "Anyway, I was feeling how long my hair was, and realizing how short it would be when they buzzed it, and I suddenly knew it, Bones―I couldn't do it. I couldn't sign the damn paperwork."

"But, why?" she asked instantly, too afraid to hope to hear the answer to her question, but at the same time knowing that she needed to hear his response almost as badly as she needed air in that moment to survive.

Taking a step towards her, he reached out and gently cupped her jaw. Brennan felt the world spin as she heard a rushing in her ears as soon as his callused hands began to stroke the softness of her skin. "Do you really have to ask me that?" he whispered.

"I...I-I―"

"Don't go, Bones," he said as he continued to stroke her cheek in a strong and steady rhythmic pattern. "We―both of us, we're about to make two of the biggest mistakes I think we could ever make…and so, I'm here. I didn't sign the reenlistment paperwork. I left…and it's not because of Parker, or work, or hell…anything but one really damn good reason."

"What's that?" she dared to breathe.

"You," he said quietly as he held her gaze intently and with a silent plea. "So, please…don't…don't run. Don't leave me. Don't go."

As she stared at his gaze―a look full of longing, love, fearful hope, and a desperation that Brennan knew all too well…in that moment, she knew that she could only give him one answer.

Tilting her head, she smiled slightly as she felt her eyes water, and she nodded at him. "Okay," she responded after a moment that was heavy with a pregnant pause. "Okay."

-TBC-