Chapter 3: Special Delivery: PAIN!

Dear Diary: I really made a fool of myself today.

Amity was in her private study room at the library. She would often retreat to this place get away from the stress of it all, especially after a day like this. It was a sanctum where she could be alone with her thoughts. It was here that she would set aside her façade of perfection and confidence, for she could not afford to drop it elsewhere, not even at home. ESPECIALLY not at home. Sometimes she would read the Good Witch Azura books here to wind down. Sometimes she would just do nothing at all to clear her head. But today, she was writing in her diary. She had a lot of thoughts about her encounter with Luz, and she needed to process them.

I met with Luz today. I don't know how, but somehow, I built up the nerve to ask her to Grom. She said she 'needed some time to think'. I don't know what that means. I'm not sure I want to know what that means. She didn't say no, but this is so much worse. She might've been trying to be polite, but I almost wish she'd just said no. At least I would know. Part of me is sure she'd say yes, but the more I think about how I treated her we first met, I'm not so sure about that.

It's probably for the best, anyway. I mean, the idea of me dating a human…that's stupid, right? I've got a reputation to think of. I would be the laughingstock of the school. I would NEVER hear the end of it from Boscha. Not to mention what my mom would do. She definitely wouldn't approve. She'd disown me for sure. Willow used to be my best friend, but my mom made me put an end to that. I can't even imagine what she would do to Luz, but I know it would be SO much worse. She'd probably try to murder her, honestly. Whatever it is...I can't let that happen to her. Even if I set all that aside, I don't deserve someone like her. And truth be told, a dark-chocolate-haired goddess like her deserves so much better than a loser like me.

Amity was about to close her diary, when suddenly, she paused. She thought about what she had just written. Did she really believe all that? Was she really better off without Luz? Was she really just a burden to her? She thought about everything that had happened since she had met her. The more she thought about it, the more she realized that things had only gotten better for her. Perhaps she was jumping to conclusions. Maybe things weren't so bad after all. She continued writing.

Then again, who knows? It might not be so bad if she says yes. I haven't been the same at all since I met her. Before she arrived, I was so obsessed with being at the top of everything, but that seems to matter less. I haven't felt this relaxed in years. Thanks to her, I'm starting to mend things with Willow. I have someone to talk about the Good Witch Azura books with. And truth be told, she impresses me. I admire her tenacity. Despite everything, she really won't give up trying to learn magic. No matter what happens, she always stays positive. It's inspiring, honestly. And she makes me feel good about myself for once. I feel like I can truly be myself when I'm around her, and I don't have to pretend I'm perfect. She accepts me despite my flaws. I can't recall the last time anyone did that to me. I fantasize about what it would be like to just leave everything behind and just...dress up and travel with her. I will think on this.

She put down the diary, and began thinking about it all. She had never felt this way about someone else before. Part of her was proud of herself for actually acting on these feelings. But another part was sure she had been impulsive and just made a huge mistake. She began processing her thoughts out loud. "Ugghhh, this was stupid! How could I have possibly known if Luz felt the same way? And what if she doesn't? I haven't had any friends since Willow...Not any real ones, anyway. What if I just blew my chance at having even that with Luz?" She paused, and took a deep breath. "Maybe it isn't so bad. So, she knows I'm in love with her now! That doesn't change any–"

She froze. Did she really just say that out loud? Her face went red.

"Oh, Titan. I'm in love with her. I'm in love with a human…. Wait a minute, how did this happen?! I'm smarter than this!"

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. She jumped and went silent. "Uh…who is it?"

"Amity, it's me, Luz!"

She gasped, and went bright red. She replied, "Oh! Uh, hi Luz! Just one second!"

She quickly composed herself and opened the door. She saw Luz, who seemed nervous, and somehow more beautiful than ever.

Amity told her to come in and asked, "How did you know I was here?"

"Ed and Em told me you were in the library. And I know you use this room when you want to…uh be alone."

Luz entered the study room. Amity asked her, "So…uh…what, *ahem*, what, uh, brings you here?"

"I've been thinking about what you asked me…earlier today, and…"

"Oh yeah, right…"

"And I wanted to bring you this!" Luz reached into her pocket, and produced a familiar piece of pink stationary, still folded.

Amity was ecstatic as she grabbed the note. This was it. This was the moment she found out how Luz felt about her. But right as she was about to open it, she froze. Something didn't feel right. It was almost too good to be true. She once again thought about how she had treated her when they first met. Could she really be over that already? She really didn't seem too eager to say yes when she gave her the note. Why would this be any different? Before she had time for a single rational thought, her heart shattered.

Emotions rising, she told Luz, "Go away, Luz."

"Amity, I don't…"

"Just GO!, she cried, her sadness turning to anger.

"What are you talking…"

Amity turned away from her and harshly said, "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, OKAY!?"

"WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!", exclaimed Luz. At this point, she was both bewildered and even a little bit angered by her response. Why was she acting like this? Had her feelings changed THAT quickly? But she instantly regretted what she had just said. She knew she needed to resolve the situation before things got ugly. She took a deep breath, composed herself, and cautiously approached her, and attempted to deescalate things.

"Amity, I am so sorry. That came out wrong. I didn't mean that. It's just...I don't know what this is about, but whatever it is, I don't like it. You're scaring me. But whatever it is, we can fix this together." She put her hand on her shoulder and asked, "Please. Just talk to me—"

Amity, turned around, smacked her hand away and yelled,"JUST GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE YOU HUMILIATE ME FURTHER, HUMAN!", her face red with rage this time.

For a moment, there was silence, as if the universe itself had stopped. Even for a library, it was silent. Luz was confused and very hurt. She slowly backed away, frightened and heartbroken.

"…okay." Luz turned around and left the room. She looked back for a moment, then ran out of the library, fighting back tears. She barely managed to keep it together long enough to make it back to the Owl House.

When Luz arrived at the Owl House, Eda was preparing to celebrate with her. But when she entered in silence instead of excitement, she knew something was wrong. It was as if all the light for which she was so named had been snuffed out of her. Like she wasn't even Luz. Before she even had time to ask her what happened, she found herself tightly hugged by her pupil. She recognized the pained look on her face, having felt the same way one day many years ago. She had never felt worse about herself than she did that day. She would not let Luz go through it alone. She led her to the couch. After sitting her down, she told her, "It's okay, Luz. You can let it out. I'm here for you." She held her in a tight embrace as Luz broke down in tears.

Once she had regained her composure, Amity immediately regretted what she had said. She hadn't meant a word of it. She had no idea what came over her. But whatever it was, the damage was done. Sheepishly, she closed the door to the study room.

It was too late. She had truly ruined her chances with Luz. There was no going back. She couldn't even be friends. She looked back at the note, still unopened. She considered it for a moment. But she despondently crumpled it up and put it in her pocket. She collapsed into her chair and opened her diary. After a moment, she started writing, but only managed to put down one sentence before she broke down, weeping as she had never wept before.

Dear Diary: I just made an even bigger fool of myself.