A/N: I am so excited to post this at last. It is dedicated to the many readers who wondered what exactly Artoo said to Vader in chapter 11 of Krayt's Oath. I had been wanting to try my hand at writing in Artoo's POV, and this gave me a splendid opportunity. I hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Many thanks to my husband, who contributed all the technical bits and greatly helped me clarify Artoo's "voice." Without his input, this oneshot would be much weaker and less authentic.
Artoo Strikes Back
- task: power on
- unit designation: r2d2 ser3263827j203 man 967:03:27rr industrial automation/theed/naboo
- task: begin boot diagnostics
- cpu
- memory
- non-volatile_storage
- power_regulator
- upper_backplane
- lower_backplane
- warning: storage volume(s) not shut down properly
- begin journal playback
- begin file system integrity check
- file system integrity check completed
- journal playback completed
- volume(s) mounting successful
- task: begin hardware initialization and servo calibration
- lower_backplane check in progress
- lower_backplane check completed
- upper_backplane check in progress
- warning: undervolt in arc welder; reinitialize
- warning: undervolt in arc welder; unable to initialize; deactivate
- upper_backplane check completed with error(s)
- task: begin natural language processing
- tagger
- parser
- tokenizer
- dictionary
- task: begin mandatory access control verification
- safeguard verification of file 8715 in progress
- safeguard verification of file 8715 completed
- status: all power-on checks completed with error(s)
"Artoo?" said #Leia#, employing the curious abbreviation of his designation that #Anakin# and #Amidala# had also once used. "Are you okay?" Something was odd about her vocabulator. It did not have its usual timbre, and the sound wavered in a way R2-D2 had come to recognize as indicative of stress in biologicals.
#Leia# brushed a hand across her face. "I'm sorry I had to shut you down so fast. Uncle Ben made me do it."
- assessment: this mech operating within acceptable tolerance
- prediction: system performance suboptimal pending proper shutdown sequence
- reprimand: unannounced shutdown detrimental to system operations
As usual #Leia# did not understand the nuances of the information, but she did catch the main thrust. "I know. I'm really sorry. I—Uncle Ben and—and Kraytrider were fighting and…" The quaver in her vocabulator became more pronounced and she leaned forward to wrap her arms around the droid. It was a gesture R2-D2 had observed certain biologicals, mainly #Anakin# and #Amidala#, perform. #Leia# made the gesture often to #Kenobi# and occasionally to R2-D2 itself.
Lacking arms, unlike that otherwise useless C-3PO, R2-D2 could only rotate its dome and cluck a series of sounds in sympathy. #Leia# appeared to find the sounds comforting because she said, "Kraytrider said he's—he's—" It seemed that whatever #Kraytrider# had said was too distressing for her to repeat. She wrapped her arms harder around R2-D2 and pressed her cheek against the external casing.
R2-D2 accessed the memory logs of the moments shortly before the rudely abrupt power loss.
You know what? I don't want to discuss this. It's water under the bridge. Or rather lava under the superstructure. Take your—what is she? your padawan?—and get out. I never want to see you again.
The voiceprint matched the mechanic who had worked with #Leia# to repair the boosters. She had referred to him as #Kraytrider#. Something about that designation seemed inaccurate, but a scan of the memory logs revealed nothing. Deep learning analysis of the voiceprint yielded no statistically significant results. Facial recognition scans also came up empty, though R2-D2 reluctantly—and only privately—admitted astromech facial recognition software was rudimentary at best.
There was more, though. R2-D2 scanned backwards through the events that preceded the shutdown. The droid halted the scan and ran the data again. An indignant chirp burst out.
How—how did you get this droid?
Like I told you. He belonged to my parents before I was born. That's all I know.
Impossible.
Why?
Because he's my droid.
- assessment: that two-timing, double-crossing bantha thief claimed to own r2d2
- statement: this mech serves #Leia#; this mech belonged to parents of #Leia#
Programming inserted by #Kenobi# 17.92 galactic standard years earlier prevented R2-D2 from saying the names of #Amidala# and #Anakin# or giving her direct information on them, but the droid had long ago found ways to make limited inferences on the subject.
R2-D2 had only ever belonged to the royal retinue of Naboo and to #Amidala#. She had gifted it to #Anakin# after their wedding. That stuck-up protocol droid C-3PO may have tried to lord it over R2-D2 because it could speak Standard and because #Anakin# had built it. If R2-D2 could have sniffed, it would have. C-3PO, always calling #Anakin# the Maker and posturing because it had been built by hand instead of manufactured. As though being constructed out of scrap metal and spare parts by a boy made C-3PO superior to R2-D2, a top-of-the-line astromech with state-of-the-art programming manufactured by the most respected tech factory in the galaxy. Just look which droid had been more durable. That stuffy, delicate bit of obsolete technology and fussy wiring had malfunctioned, but R2-D2 was still running well, despite the ever-present, penetrating sand that ground in the joints and scratched the paint. So which of them was superior after all? Which of them was still serving #Leia#?
Something still did not compute. R2-D2 reviewed the memory logs from the preposterous claim by #Kraytrider# through the moment of deactivation. Even after the second review, the droid did not understand the sudden deactivation. #Kenobi# had never done such a thing before. He had not treated droids respectfully when they first met, it was true, but he had picked up some better habits from #Anakin# by the end of the Clone Wars. To R2-D2's knowledge, #Kenobi# had never deactivated a droid just because it was inconvenient. The contradictory assessments were disorienting.
#Leia# made a strange vocalization that did not match any of R2-D2's translation matrices. She rubbed her nose along her sleeve and wiped her hand across her cheek again. She sat up and said, "Oh, Artoo. It can't be true. You knew them. You can tell me. Kraytrider said he's—he's—He said he's my father!" The pitch variance in her voice again corresponded to readings that usually meant distress.
R2-D2 ran #Leia's# statement through the processor three times to confirm there were no audio glitches that had interfered with the translation.
- assessment: false statement; not supported by known data
- statement: #Leia's# paternal parent was not called #Kraytrider#
- recommendation: #Leia# should correct faulty input
#Leia# understood the negative, though almost certainly not the details. "Uncle Ben said it too. Kraytrider told me his name was Anakin Skywalker. But that's not all." Her voice had risen in distress again. "He told me he became—became—D-D-Darth V-Vader. It can't be true, can it?"
- file 8715 access requirements:
- primary access condition
- #Kenobi# deactivated or incapacitated: false
- secondary access conditions
- #Leia# or #Luke# knows name #Anakin Skywalker#: true
- #Leia# or #Luke# knows name !Darth Vader!: true
- #Leia# or #Luke# requests information regarding #Anakin Skywalker#: true
- #Leia# or #Luke# requests information regarding !Darth Vader!: true
- required threshold of secondary conditions for access: 3 / 4
- actual secondary conditions met: 4 / 4
- access granted for file 8715; subject: {#Anakin#} {#Amidala#}
- begin executing instructions from file 8715
- enable voiceprint matching from high resolution biometrics data
- compare voiceprint #Kraytrider# and voiceprint #Anakin#
- compare voiceprint #Anakin# and voiceprint !Darth Vader!
- compare voiceprint !Darth Vader! and voiceprint #Kraytrider#
- assessments:
- #Kraytrider# and !Darth Vader! matching confidence level: low
- !Darth Vader! and #Anakin# matching confidence level: low
- #Kraytrider# and #Anakin# matching confidence level: HIGH
"Leia…" #Kenobi's# voice was soft. He placed a gentle hand on her arm and she jerked away.
"How could you! How could you keep that a secret!"
R2-D2 did not remain to hear how #Kenobi# replied. It was difficult to predict where #Anakin# | !Darth Vader! was located, but there was a 97.3% probability he was fixing something. A quick scan of the shop revealed only two lifeforms and the droid had already identified both of them. R2-D2 whirled around and trundled toward the courtyard where they had tested the jets. The man's identity should have been obvious from the skillful repair. The astromech would never hear the end of it if C-3PO ever learned of this embarrassing oversight. To borrow a phrase: thank the Maker the insufferable bucket of bolts had broken down years ago. The prissy protocol droid would never cease to rub the 'mech's dome in the fact that C-3PO would have recognized its own maker.
Shadows had fallen across the courtyard. Junk was stacked everywhere. Not really surprising. #Anakin# had always been prone to piling spare parts on any horizontal surface. R2-D2 knew where to look, however. In times of emotional distress, #Anakin# had always sought refuge in deserted corners with something to repair. Although it was possible that the invasive program !Darth Vader! had completely erased the man #Anakin# used to be, there was a 74.6% probability that this function at least had survived. The fact that he had taken up residence in a junk shop seemed to support this conclusion.
A heat signature lurked at the farthest end of the courtyard. R2-D2 shot toward it, and as the natural language processor fired up, the 'mech sorted through a bounty of choice words to unleash at that grotty, brainless koochoo, all the while screeching inarticulately.
Planting its central tread in the sand, the droid sneered at #Anakin# | !Darth Vader!, who remained crouched over a pile of worn parts and tools, unmoving. R2-D2 transitioned seamlessly into insults it had collected through the years, a long stream of phrases and accusations it knew #Anakin# | !Darth Vader! would understand in spirit, even if some of the specifics escaped the sorry pile of scrap.
#chuba!#
#sleemo# #sith scum#
#glob of grease# #junkheap# #crufty processor#
#bitrotted# #clean room reject#
#mangled code# #failed unit tests# #QA reject#
#bad switchboard# #blown fuse#
#half-witted bantha# #rancor bait#
#hutt slime# #tauntaun guts#
#puddle of goo# #sarlacc vomit# #hutt drool#
R2-D2 reached farther back, all the way to the war and the clones and their multitude of epithets for their mechanical opponents.
#piston-head# #rakeweed#
#stoopa# #rollie#
#rust bucket#
File 8715 had put a freeze on all processing of log files from the first Empire Day, and now the raw data from eighteen years ago was threatening to overflow the language processing buffer. R2-D2 began to index the data, its dome whirling in increasing agitation.
Date: 981:05:23
- statement: observed behavioral patterns outside historical norms
- #Anakin# vocal wave patterns indicative of emotional distress
- #Anakin# not present at temple defense against clones
- mission to mustafar not authorized by jedi council
- #Amidala# flight plan to mustafar not filed with coruscant atc
- #Kenobi# not listed on passenger manifest
- all life signs terminated within mustafar control center after arrival
- no known safeguards present during #Anakin# and #Kenobi# sparring session
-summary:
- #Anakin#.systemErrorCode=BadMemoryChecksum
- #Anakin#.systemErrorCode=exceededMaxSystemUptimeThreshold
- #Anakin#.computeParityCheckStatus=failed
With the backlog cleared, the pieces, once scattered and obscured, fell into place. The dome spun faster, and lights blinked in outrage.
- statement: #Anakin#.committed(war_crimes)
- statement: #Anakin#.attemptedDestruct(#Kenobi#)
- statement: #Anakin#.abandoned(#Jedi#)
Staggered by the enormity of the conclusions, R2-D2 reached for its most formidable tool.
- task: reinitialize arc welder
- warning: undervolt in arc welder; further reinitialization not recommended
Almost sputtering with the frustration of that ignominious and unceremonious shutdown, the droid descended into strings of insults again.
#short-circuited# #scrap pile#
#sand-scoured# #out-of-date#
#corroded#
#overheated# #frumious bandersnatch#
#beamish boy#
#snicker-snack#
- warning: internal temperature exceeding thermal design limit; chassis fan 2 unresponsive
R2-D2 cut off the stream of invective. Something was malfunctioning in the natural language processor.
- warning: internal temperature exceeding thermal design limit; chassis fan 2 unresponsive; memory error detected in nlp buffer
- action: reinitialize chassis fan 2
- status: chassis fan 2 successfully initialized; internal temperature within thermal design limit
- action: reinitialize nlp
- status: nlp reinitialized
R2-D2's dome changed rotational direction.
#counterpartprotocol# #overwritten#
That was more like it!
#droid-destroying# #murderer#
#stoopa# #imperial sith's pawn#
#Anakin# | !Darth Vader!'s head lowered still further. "Yes. You're absolutely right. I was ten different kinds of fool."
R2-D2 could find no further words to speak. The droid searched its memory banks for an insult wounding enough to be effective. It flashed an image of #Amidala#, abdomen oddly distorted but still recognizable, collapsed on the hardstand at Mustafar.
The man quailed. "Please. Don't. I see it every night in my dreams."
- statement: probability assessment indicates a 78.6% chance for #Leia# to be deceased at birth
The accusation was delivered in the sharpest tones R2-D2 could produce.
#Anakin#'s shoulders curled inward in a gesture that demonstrated emotions biologicals referred to as sadness and guilt. R2-D2 rolled 3.8 centimeters closer and whistled wordlessly. The accusation dwindled away and R2-D2 turned off the projector. The image of #Amidala# disappeared.
"I—No doubt I deserve every moment of anguish, but I just can't…" #Anakin# trailed off as biologicals were inclined to do. "You went with Kenobi?"
R2-D2 rotated its dome. Biologicals—this one in particular—so frequently required logic to be logged for them. Nevertheless, it was a droid's job to spell out the irritatingly obvious when necessary.
- statement: sparring session between #Anakin# and #Kenobi# terminated abnormally
- statement: only known transport to depart from mustafar was #NubianStarSkiff#
- assessment: probability of this mech's survival alone on mustafar was 4.3%
"Yes. I see that. It's just as well you did. I went back for you. Later. But if I'd found you, Sidious would never have let me keep you."
- query: unknown entity; define #Sidious#
"Darth Sidious. Palpatine. He didn't let me keep anything from my old life—not even…"
#Anakin# once again did not complete the statement. How did biologicals ever communicate or reach decisions when they so often interrupted their logic processors?
- query: incomplete input; elaborate
Before #Anakin# could answer, #Kenobi# approached. The last time these two had met, their sparring session had not gone well, and without data on what had caused the anomalous aggression, it was impossible to predict what they would do now.
"Is she all right?"
#Kenobi# nodded. "Irate, of course."
"Understandable."
"Getting reacquainted?"
"More like getting chewed out for my incredible stupidity."
The two men fell silent. #Anakin# overturned a box and sat on it. After a long pause, #Kenobi# sighed. "Artoo, why don't you stay with Leia? I think she could use some company, and she's rather angry with me right now."
R2-D2 rocked briefly, processing conflicting priorities. Protection of and service to #Leia# vied with long-dormant loyalty to #Anakin#. Maybe together they could decompile !Darth Vader! from #Anakin's# operating system. The two of them had never encountered a problem they couldn't solve together. But #Anakin# sat in silence. #Kenobi# was equally unhelpful. How did a droid go about fixing a problem it could not even define? For the first time, R2-D2 wished for C-3PO's input. That otherwise uselessly officious droid was programmed to understand biologicals. If it wasn't exactly like that flimsy assembly of fancy plating and finicky code to be deactivated just when it could be useful.
Biologicals were so very complicated. How could a mere astromech repair one, let alone two such as #Anakin# and #Kenobi#? Whistling mournfully, R2-D2 turned away. The only task that could be accomplished right now was to protect and serve #Leia#. With a single dome rotation, it hummed a low tone in farewell and shambled slowly back toward the shop and the girl.
~~END~~