It was dark.
It was cold.
He was alone.
He cried.
That worked most of the time. He cried and then someone came to him. They came with food and they picked him up. They picked him up from this place and carried him over there and then there was food for him. That was what happened when he cried so that was what he did, he cried. He cried and he cried and he cried.
And he waited for someone to come.
The room was dark. He knew what dark was. Dark was when he couldn't see anything. Dark was when he was put in this place on his back. Dark was when he couldn't see anything. Not even the music thing above him. He wanted the music thing. He wanted food. He wanted that mommy person. He wanted that person and he wanted that person right now.
So he cried.
"Touichirou! Mommy's coming!"
There was noise.
There was light.
He covered his eyes. He tried to get out of the light. It hurt. He didn't want that. He didn't want the light. He wanted food. He wanted the music thing. He wanted that mommy person. There were two people besides him. There was a person called mommy and a person called dad. When he cried the picked him up and brought him food. That was what he needed, not light, but there was light. Mommy had brought him light but not food.
No light.
He cried.
"Shush now, mommy's here and she loves you. Yes she does, yes she does, oh yes she does."
He's being picked up. He can feel warmth at his back and his neck. He can see…he can open his eyes and he can see the light…and he can see that mommy person. He cries more. He needs food. He needs food right now. It hurts. He knows what hurt is. Hurt is when he needs food. Hurt is when his arm gets stuck in the white things that keep him in here. Hurt is when he rolls off of the tall thing. It hurts and he needs food.
He cries.
"Oh somebody's hungry…somebody wants milk, doesn't he? Somebody wanted a midnight snack, didn't he? Didn't you, Touichirou, didn't you?"
He is Touichirou. This is mommy. He can see her now. She's close. She pulls him close and…and he stops crying. He knows this part. He knows this. He's carried over. The room spins around him. He reaches out. Something is in his hand. Mommy's finger. He knows that word. He has them too. He closes his fingers around mommy's hand.
He stops crying.
"Here, we're going to sit down and we're going to eat our midnight snack and then we're going to go back to bed. Don't you want to? Don't you want to have a nice snack?"
Mommy takes her finger from his hand. Now he's looking up at her. That's mommy. He knows that's mommy. There is also a person called daddy. Daddy doesn't bring food that often, and when he does the food is different. He wants food from mommy. He wants it now. He watches her. He watches mommy and he waits.
He doesn't cry.
"There you go. There you go, Touichirou, a midnight snack for you. There you go."
He ate. Mommy was talking to him. He knew what that was. She was talking to him. He had food. He looked up at her. She asked him to. He knew that this was what mommy wanted. When he looked at her she gave him food. That was what this was. He looked up at her even though there was so much light. There was too much light. He didn't know what he could do about the light. He was eating.
He didn't cry.
He didn't have to. He didn't have to cry because he had food. That was what mommy was for. She brought food. Daddy brought food too but not the same food as mommy. The food that mommy had was better. Mommy was better. He had mommy now. He had mommy and he had too much light and he didn't have the music thing but he had food and that was one of the things that he wanted so that was…..good.
This was good.
"Let's stay up together, huh? Let's stay up together for when daddy comes home. Do you know what time it is? It's twelve twenty two, that's late. You don't know it but it's very late. Daddy is going to come home soon…he had better."
He kept on eating.
He didn't know why mommy kept on saying that, daddy, because she was here. She was here and she had the food. Was she going to get daddy? Would daddy have more food? Would daddy come with food? He didn't need daddy. He had mommy. Mommy was there and mommy had food. She had brought the food and that was what he wanted. She had brought the light, too, and he didn't want the light…and she hadn't brought the music thing either…well the music thing was here…he could see it. The music thing was above the sleeping place….he could see it….he reached for it….
He kept on eating.
"You miss him too, don't you? Your daddy should be here but he can't be. Daddy is the youngest boss in his company, did you know that? Before you were born daddy got a big promotion and they gave him that watch you love, too, the one that beeps. He's so proud of that watch…and this house…and that's a good thing. Daddy does a lot for us…and that means that he has to stay away sometimes…sometimes all night."
Touichirou looked away.
Daddy wasn't there. She was saying 'daddy' but he wasn't coming. He didn't know why she kept on saying that. Daddy wasn't there. Daddy wasn't there and he didn't need to be there. She had the good food. She had the good food and if daddy came back then he would have too much food. He would bring too much food like mommy had brought too much light. There was too much light in here. There wasn't enough music. He wanted music.
He reached for the music thing.
"I know you want your daddy to come back…and I do too. I miss daddy so much sometimes…but he's coming back. He has to. Last train is at one and he has to let everyone go by the time the last train comes. Daddy sometimes has to stay out very late with people from work. He's a boss now, the youngest boss in the history of his company, and sometimes that means that he has to go out drinking with the people under him…for some reason. I don't know. Things weren't like this back home. But this is Japan…did you know that? That this was Japan?"
Touichirou looked up at mommy.
He stopped eating. He didn't want any more food. He didn't want to eat anything else now. He knew what was coming next. Mommy was going to pick him up and hit his back. That was a good thing. Then there wouldn't be any more hurt. Sometimes there was hurt, too, after he ate…but mommy made that better. Mommy made that better and daddy did not…and he wanted mommy to be there and not daddy. Daddy didn't have good food and daddy didn't make him feel better and daddy didn't know how to turn the music thing on.
He wanted the music thing.
"You want to burp now? Alright then. Come on you. You're such a good eater….yes you are….yes you are. You eat so much, Touichirou, did you know that you gained a whole kilogram since you were born? You weigh five kilograms now. That's very good for someone your age. You're eating so well….and I am so happy to have you. Even without daddy here I have you and I love you so much….yes I do, yes I do…you can hear me, right? You can understand me, right? Daddy says that I should speak more Japanese to you….but if he wants you to speak Japanese then he can speak to you himself. Yes he can, yes he can."
He didn't cry.
Mommy was still saying 'daddy' over and over again. She said 'daddy; while she bounced him up and down. This was the part that came after eating. Mommy did this part but not daddy. That was why he need mommy and not daddy. He didn't know why she was still talking. She had brought the food and that was enough. Daddy didn't need to bring any more food. He had food. He was being bounced. He had food and he didn't need any….and he needed the music thing…but he couldn't see the music thing anymore. He couldn't see the sleeping place anymore. He could only see the space behind him. Mommy, too, if he turned his head…but that was hard. He did it, though, because mommy always made god noises when he did that.
But she was still talking about daddy now.
"He can speak to you if he wants to. Did you hear that? That's daddy's car coming in the drive. If he wants you to speak Japanese then he can come in here and speak to you. He can come up these steps and…oh! You're tired. Back to bed for you, alright? Time to go back to bed."
The bouncing was over now.
Mommy was moving him, now, and the world spun. She made the world spin until she put him back down in the sleeping place. He was back in the sleeping place and mommy was so close to the music thing…but she didn't turn it. When she turned the music thing then the round thing above him spun and the music started. He wanted the music.
He reached for it.
But Mommy didn't spin it. Mommy left. He could see her one second and then, later. He couldn't. She just walked off and she was gone…and now he was alone. He was all alone in the light. He was alone in the light and he wanted…he wanted the music thing! He wanted the music thing and he didn't want the light but he wanted…he wanted….he wanted mommy!
He cried.
Mommy was supposed to come when he cried. Mommy, sometimes daddy. But usually mommy would come. She would come with food and she would pick him up and she would do the music thing...but she didn't come. He could hear her. He could hear her and he could hear daddy and he cried but mommy didn't come and daddy didn't come and he was all alone and he needed mommy and he needed daddy and he needed the music thing and he did not need the light.
He cried.
"Your son needs you. He's up there and he needs you. He was reaching for you all night but you weren't there!"
Mommy was talking. She was talking to daddy. Touichirou could hear her but he couldn't see her and he needed to see her because maybe she might not be there anymore. He reached up. He reached up and she wasn't there. He reached out. He reached the bars. She wasn't there.
He could hear mommy but he couldn't see mommy.
"He's a baby, Abi, and he's your responsibility! I'm tired! I've been working all day and all night!"
He can hear daddy, too, and he would take daddy too. He would take either mommy or daddy. He would take whoever could get rid of that light and do the music thing. He reached up. The music thing was there. The round things were there. The round things had to spin for the music to start but he didn't…he needed….he kept on reaching.
"You call staying out all night drinking with your little underlings work?!"
He kept on reaching. He reached up and he reached out. He could hear mommy and he could hear daddy. He could hear mommy and daddy but he couldn't see them. All he could see was the light. The light and the round things. He could see the light and the round things and he could hear mommy and daddy but he couldn't hear the music and he wants to hear the much but he can't.
"There are things that I have to do and things that you have to do now let me sleep, Abi, I have to be up at five and do it all again!"
He cried.
Loud noises. He didn't like loud noises. There was light. He didn't like the light. There was no music. He wanted music. He wanted darkness and music and mommy and he reached. He reached and he reached and he reached. He reached and now….now his back felt cold. The sleeping place was down and he was up. The sleeping place was there and he was here and…and he reached.
His back was cold.
"And I have to be up at two to feed our son again! Then again at four thirty! And where are you going to be!? I never see you anymore! I never see you and Touichirou never sees you and….and he's going to forget who you even are at this rate!"
More loud noises.
He wants to be away from the loud noises. He reaches. He reaches and his back is cold. He can feel his back and it's cold and he's cold and he wants to be away from the sound and the light and the bars…and the bars are gone…and the music thing is even farther away…and he can feel the cold and he can see the light and he can hear the noises and they're loud. Mommy and daddy are loud and he can hear them and he can't see them.
He wants to see mommy.
"Yes, so feed him! Abi, you don't seem to understand exactly how this works. Without money you starve and I starve and the baby starves! I don't know how they did things in your country but here money is a necessity for life!"
He can hear daddy but he can't see daddy. He can hear mommy but he can't see mommy. He can see the sleeping place under him…and the music thing…and he felt…he felt himself getting farther away from the music thing…and he wants to be closer and…and he reaches. He reaches and he reaches but the reaching just…he doesn't stop reaching.
He feels cold.
"Don't patronize me! I know that you have to work and I know that I couldn't work even if I wanted to but does work really have to go on all night and all day? I see you, awake, six hours a week! Six!"
He reaches towards he noise that he doesn't want and he reaches towards the noise that he wants. He reaches. He reaches and he feels cold. He feels cold. His whole back feels cold. He kicks his feet. He keeps on reaching. He sees the round things getting farther and farther away. He hears mommy and daddy getting louder and louder and louder.
"Well you're seeing me now! So what's the big important to do!?
"Just…you're impossible and-"
He hurt.
His back hurt. His head hurt. He wasn't in the sleeping place. He was looking up at the sleeping place. There was still too much light and no music and to many loud noises…and he was one of those loud noises. He was one of those loud noises and he could hear…more noises. He could hear more noises and he could feel so much hurt and now…now he was up again.
He cried.
"What happened!?"
Daddy was being loud now. Daddy was being loud and he didn't want daddy to be loud and he didn't want mommy to be loud. He was being bounced. He didn't want to be bounced. Mommy was bouncing him and daddy was being loud and he didn't want any of this. He wanted music. He wanted darkness. He wanted quiet.
He was crying.
"I have no idea…he can't even sit up….how did he even….Touichirou, how did you even get out?"
Mommy was bouncing him. He could hear mommy and he could see mommy. He could her daddy and he could see daddy. He could see the round things but he couldn't hear the music. He could feel hurt. He could feel so much hurt and he can feel himself bouncing. Up and down, up and down, and he's been up and he's been down but he doesn't want to be up or down.
"I can't deal with this now. I have to go to bed. Just….we'll talk about this tomorrow. Or on Sunday. Just….not now."
He hears daddy and then he doesn't see daddy. He can see mommy. He can see mommy and he can feel himself bouncing. Mommy is making him bounce. He doesn't want to bounce. He doesn't want mommy. He wants to be back in the sleeping place. He wants to be back in the sleeping place and he wants to be back in the darkness. But mommy is still bouncing him.
He cries.
"Touichirou….come on, baby, do you want….what is it? Do you want your mobile? Do you want to watch the planets go round and round? I bet you do. Alright then. Come on, let's watch the planets go round and round. You'd like that, I bet. You like your mobile. You like your mobile and your crib and I don't know why you wanted to come out…or even how you managed it. You're such a clever boy, Touichirou, you're mommy's clever little boy."
Mommy stopped bouncing him.
She put him down in the sleeping place. She put him down and then she spun the music thing around and around and around. He could see the round things spinning around and around and around. He saw the round thing.
The light went out.
It was dark.
It was cold.
There was music.
Mommy was there.
The hurt was gone.
He went to sleep.