She didn't know why she tried.
For Aoi, every day was painfully rutinary, doing laundry, changing the sheets, mixing this and that ingredient by heart to get this or that antidote. Wisteria, wisteria and more wisteria, all demons used their blood and the rest carved itself a place on the skin of all demon slayers that came to the Butterfly Estate, but wisteria was the opposite to it, to that sticky and dark, non-human, blood.
In her free time she wondered what it would be like to be in their place, what it would be like to have a sword in between her hands, on lazy afternoons where there was miraculously no laundry or people to take care of. She thought about it slowly and carefully, just like she did things.
How would it be to fight despite the fear? How would she feel after beheading a demon? Or even worse, before doing so? These are questions that ate her up from the inside but that she wouldn't give any answer to, because no matter what, Aoi would always reach the same conclusion. She, surely, wouldn't like it.
But of course, that left her in a complicated situation, Because whatever happened, she was a member of the corps, it was no lie that she wanted to kill them all, that on her heart burnt the same feeling that burnt in her comrades', and that's to prevent the tragedy, to save others from suffering the same destiny her and many others did.
'There's another way' Shinobu told her, when Aoi threw herself at her arms, crying and trembling, after coming back from the Final Selection.
Because it was true that her and all her comrades held the desire of protecting and saving in their hearts, but what made Aoi different was that hers also held fear.
So now instead of wielding a sword she folded clothes, instead of cutting heads off she peeled potatoes and instead of facing demons now she faced the manager of the apothecary (she was sure he increased the prices every time he saw her and Kanao come in through the door).
'You can help in another way' Shinobu's words continued in her head, and Aoi knew that was true, it was something she constantly repeated to herself, but even so she wasn't able to-
"You don't know how it feels like! Don't touch me, leave me alone!"
The demon slayer must have had one or two partners with whom he bonded over time, just like how he must have had one or true siblings that were snatched away by demons before that.
It wasn't weird that the injured fell into hysteria after big battles and undescriptible losses, the worst ones were those who lost a hand, an arm or even their legs. The weight of defeat was enough to destroy their spirits, but what about the weight of what they lost forever? That was much bigger and would persevere longer than the pain of broken bones.
She wasn't usually given any thanks, except for exceptional cases like Tanjirou who were grateful for the rehabilitation, but most of them didn't even look twice at her and continued on their path without looking back. The clearest impressions she had of other demon slayers were angry outbursts after hearing news, which were usually bad.
But she didn't blame them for taking out their fury on her, she couldn't, she wasn't strong enough to.
What could she say to them? That she understood their pain and that everything would be alright? No, it wouldn't be true, because under all her curtness, under all her discipline and her cutting voice, Aoi was a complete and utter coward.
And she had no use at all.
She was Aoi, the medic, and she would never be able to know what it was to be Aoi, the demon slayer.
"Um, Aoi." Ayaka's face peeked through the door of her room hours later, when Aoi dedicated her time to mix wisteria with honey in a mortar (maybe she was smashing them more strongly than usual).
Aoi looked up and saw her unmoving by the door frame. Ayaka clutched a book that would surely be Shinobu's closer against her chest, ever smiling.
"Do you need a sleeping potion again?" Aoi started. She could still remember the first time Ayaka stayed in the Butterfly Estate. She went to her sweaty and trembling in the middle of night, trying to poorly hide the desperation in her voice while asking for a remedy that would give her a dreamless sleep. She was someone else Aoi didn't understand, at least not completely.
"No…" Ayaka's expression turned sour but she quickly went back to her smile. It reminded Aoi of her father. "I need your help with some things I don't understand."
Aoi raised both eyebrows and pushed the mortar aside. "What things?"
Ayaka gestured to the book in her hands, where Aoi could see the title of some tome from the biology section in the library. "There are a lot of words I don't know how to read."
"Can't it be someone else? Kobayashi, for example? Or even Shinobu," she insisted, but Ayaka cheerfully shook her head.
"Nope! It has to be Aoi-senpai." And she gave her the same smile Tanjirou did when saying goodbye the first time.
She wasn't sure of what she had to say to that or even how to react, but this wasn't fear, this was a different feeling. It felt… warm.
"Okay," Aoi finally said. Ayaka yelped in happiness and ran to hug her, the action made Aoi's heart flip. She didn't know if it was a good or bad flip, she'd prefer for it not to be anything at all.
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Sometimes, Aoi thought she was weird, or at least in more than one way.
Kaede prepared a bath for them the moment that absurd competition started. The warm water and the strong scents made it a pleasant experience, exquisite, even. Someone would think that Aoi enjoyed this, of course, splashing in water scented with the best bath salts sounded like a good time, but instead, Aoi was only tense.
She could feel every time water moved along with Ayaka's breathing, whose head was against the edge of the bath tube, leaning against Aoi's arm who only sat by her side, in silence, scared of even breathing.
They were girls, right? It shouldn't bother her so much, it would be weird if she asked to take a bath in private when Ayaka and Kanao seemed so comfortable around each other in this estate. But every move made a little tremble attack her heart, every breath only made her be even more aware of Ayaka's skin against hers and the sweet mutters that came out of her throat.
"Shaekoku… yodaibikushuu…" she heard her whisper with closed eyes, a calm expression on her face that could rival a shrine maiden's, even if Aoi didn't believe in the gods, "shushochisiki… chourousharihotsu… makamokukenren…"
She shouldn't be nervous, should she? Even so, she couldn't help but look at her lips, that recited endless holy prayers, or her long hair that formed a dark shadow when underwater, preventing Aoi from seeing more lightly tanned skin than the one she should see, or her eyes from wanting to, just for mere curiosity.
"What is she doing?" She asked Kanao, who stayed silent by her side (Aoi was in between them).
She staggered for a minute before answering. "The Sun's already set so she's praying for the gods to keep demon slayers safe so they come back at sunrise. She does it every night."
Aoi sent a discreet glance Ayaka's way. "All of them?"
Kanao nodded and she could do nothing but believe her, because Kanao was unable to lie.
"Do you think this mission will be hard?" Ayaka reached the end of her prayers 'makakasennen' and opened her eyes to turn to Aoi.
"I don't think so," she said, biting her lip. "Is it bothering you to go on missions again?"
Aoi played with her fingers in uneasiness. "It's just been a long time…"
"If you are worried, why did you agree to come?" Ayaka enquired, tilting her head in a childish manner.
'Aoi, I love you.'
"Ah, i-it's nothing!" She said too fast. "I thought it would be… good! For me to go out! Right? Fresh air and that stuff!"
Ayaka and Kanao shared a discreet glance with the complicity of two people that knew each other and she was unable to read their thoughts like how they did with one another.
Aoi brushed away the bangs from her face. "What do you think about the Sound Pillar?"
At her question both Ayaka and Kanao flinched, although in different ways. Kanao only opened her eyes slightly, it wouldn't be noticeable if not because Aoi had been trying to read Kanao for years and she already knew Kanao reacted in little, nearly invisible pieces. Ayaka, instead, frowned in a worried manner and tried to dive underwater, leaving only the eyes over it like a kappa in a river.
"I don't like him," Kanao shily said. Aoi waited for her to continue but she didn't, so she crossed her arms over her chest and leaned her back further against the wall of the bath tube.
"I'm glad Kaede-san is here, if I had to go on a mission with him, I'm sure I would end up killing someone." She turned to Ayaka, who was still trying to become one with water. "What about you, Aya?"
Ayaka's head finally peeked slightly over the water, only her neck being visible. Aoi noticed there was a mole there, and she wondered if there were more all over her body. With a click of her tongue she pushed away those thoughts and went back to looking somewhere else that wasn't past her shoulder blades.
"Um, he looks like a very strong Pillar…" She intertwined locks of hair in between her fingers, looking down at the water. Aoi frowned.
"Well, I hate him," she said without a beat. "The moment he saw you he dropped me as if I were nothing but a mere bug, he didn't even hesitate! It's infuriating! He even slapped my ass! What kind of creep is he!?"
Ayaka dived half her face under the water again and Aoi distinguished the blush she was trying to hide.
"Aya," Aoi started, raising a single eyebrow, "is there something you want to say?"
Her friend only took her mouth out of the water, without looking her in the face. "It's unpleasant."
"What's unpleasant?"
"He, um, Uzui-san… made some comments about me and my body."
Aoi leaned closer to her, suffocating heat of annoyance bubbling under her skin. "What did he say?"
Ayaka's voice was close to a whisper. "That I had a nice bust and a big waist…" The suffocating heat increased and Aoi frowned. Ayaka hurried to continue when seeing her change in demeanour. "And… and I know I should be flattered! It's supposed to be a compliment! But even so, I…"
"He made you feel bad," Kanao talked for the first time. Ayaka dived back into the water and nodded timidly.
"Do I really need to eat less?" she asked, playing with her fingers.
Aoi took in Ayaka's sad expression and let out an angry huff. "That pig! Who does he think he is!? Someone should teach him a lesson!"
The water ran down her back when Kanao stepped out of the bath, long hair sticking to her skin.
"Then we only have to win this competition," she said, looking at them both over her shoulder with something that made her look solemn. Only now did Aoi notice Kanao had changed. "Let's win and teach him a lesson."
Ayaka looked at Aoi and Aoi looked back at her, then they both looked at Kanao.
"Yeah," Aoi said, in triumph. "Let's win."
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im sorry for the delay, ive been busy lately!
hopefully i'll be back to schedule shortly, thank you for your patience