Unsurprisingly, things get to an inauspicious start for Abby Hammond at Moordale Secondary School. More surprisingly, things begin to go wrong the day before school started.

"It's so like my dad to make a big decision like this with no warning," she grouses, pacing back and forth as she rants in her friend Adam's room. The Groffs and her nan were old friends, and the two had basically played together every summer since they were about four. "I had to spend the whole summer taking those stupid GCSEs but does he care? No! God! Maybe I actually wanted to enjoy myself!"

"Oh, stop moaning, No-Cups," Adam says. "It's not like you had anything better to do. I'm your only friend, and I don't particularly like you. Besides, if you keep pacing like that, your tits will never come."

"Adam," Abby asks. "Besides me and Aimee, who likes you?"

Caught off guard by that question, Adam hesitates to respond, before grinning.

"At least I'm not a girl with no tits," he shoots back.

"Whatever, Ad-umb," Abby says. "I actually have boobs now, you know. B cups, actually. So suck on that…innit?"

"Never say innit again, you stupid hamburger. Also, you have bee stings, not B cups." Frustrated, Abby tears off her t-shirt, throws it on Adam's bed, and gestures to her modest bosom. "Suck. On. That. A-dumb."

Adam scratches his chin thoughtfully, and says, "Well, they're still small, but I guess they do exist. Huh. Maybe you finally might have a boyfriend who isn't a Meg Cabot character this year."

And that's when Adam's bedroom door opened, and Abby meets Aimee Gibbs for the first time.

"Ohmigodohmigodohmigod," Abby squeals, grabbing her t-shirt. "This looks so wrong, and I am so sorry! You must be Aimee! I'm Mrs. Hammond's granddaughter, Abby, from down the road, and you see, Adam and I were arguing about something, so I wanted to prove a point, and I promise you we weren't doing anything! Ohmigod!"

Aimee gives Adam a pointed look and he sighs as if he was having a tooth pulled. "Abby No-Cups, this is Aimee," he says. "Aimee, meet No-Cups."

"Hi, Abby," Aimee says. "Your mum's a legend. Will she come to town soon?"

"Probably not until Moordale has Nobu and Saks," Abby quips. "Surprisingly enough, I think I'll be able to do without."

Aimee pouts and gives Abby a reassuring pat on the shoulder. "We have a really good mall here," she says. "We even have Debenhams."

"Oh, I was just…never mind," Abby squeaks as Aimee pulls her into a sudden hug. "You can sit with me and my mates at lunch," she says. "And you can tell us all about how awesome it is being rich and famous."

Adam snorts loudly at that, and both girls glare at him. Abby looks down and reddens, realizing she still hasn't pulled her top back on. She pulls her t-shirt over her head, and asks, "So, Aimee, did you come over just to meet me?" "Actually, I came round to shag Adam," Aimee explains, "but it really was nice to meet you. I can't believe you're actually Roxanne Dieters' daughter! So cool!" "It…It was nice to meet you too," Abby says. "I'll be going now."

Abby couldn't get out of there fast enough. She sprints out of the Groffs' and skateboards home with the celerity of a famous blue hedgehog, glad to be done with that unexpected test of her social capabilities. All things said and done, she knows it went surprisingly well, but she wonders how things will go once everyone at school learns she spends more time in LA at the Last Bookstore reading romancenovels or checking out new music and creating mashups than shopping on Rodeo Drive or partying with TikTokers. After all, being "rich and famous" is the only reason Abby can assume Aimee didn't bitchslap her on sight. She imagines Aimee and her friends are expecting Serena van der Woodsen and are going to be thoroughly disappointed when they realize Abby is Mia Thermopolis, through and through.

"That's her," Ruby Matthews asks, her words dripping with disgust. Perched in their car, the other three Untouchables stare at the blonde in horror.

"Why in God's name would she wear a skirt with those scabby knees," Olivia says, watching Abby remove her skateboarding helmet.

"Well, obviously, I didn't see that yesterday," Aimee says. "Besides, maybe it's because her dad is all grungy. You know, like genetics?"

Anwar nods. "Her hair is excellent," he says. "Like Jennifer Aniston's. I wonder if she's a natural blonde."

"Must be," Ruby says. "She doesn't seem to bother much with looks. We'll probably have to help her. You know, things are different here. Fashionwise, we always know more than Americans, even the really cutting-edge ones." She shudders. "Still…I can't believe Abby Hammond looks so ordinary. It's depressing."

"She just needs some guidance," Aimee says. "When I saw her at Adam's, she totally wasn't wearing the right kind of bra."

"Wait, hold the phone," Anwar asks. "How did you know?"

"Oh, she and Adam had an argument about what cup size she is," Aimee says. "Because he calls her No-Cups. She's a B cup, by the way, but she was wearing one of those flimsy silky wire-free bras, and I could totally see how he'd think she was an ironing board."

"That slag," Olivia gasps. "Aimee, there's no way you're so thick as to believe such a pathetic lie. She's obviously Adam's side chick!"

"Actually," Ruby says. "That's so pathetic I think it's true. I mean she literally has Care Bears plasters on her knees. I really doubt anyone's tapping that. She was clearly making a play for that meathead and it failed."

Aimee shakes her head. "I don't think it was like that. They've known each other since they were babies, practically."

"Ew," Anwar says. "So it's, like, incest."

"They were just goofing off," Aimee says. "Honestly, I think they're both a bit thick. Anyway, you guys will make sure Abby has somewhere to sit at lunch, right? After all, she is Roxanne Dieters' and Gabriel Hammond's daughter, so she has to be cool."

The other three exchange a look before Ruby smiles thinly at Aimee. "We'll definitely make sure Abby's welcome."

The first day at a new school in another country means Abby has one essential on hand: a comfort read. At sixteen, she has long since progressed past YA and moved into the worlds of contemporary and historical romance, but Abby still hasn't quite kicked the young adult romance habit. Thus, she was tucking into her well worn copy of the third Princess Diaries book, Princess in Love. Sure enough, she is so caught up in reading as she follows Adam into school, it isn't until they arrive at the morning assembly that the first slip-up of the day happens.

In her search for a seat, Abby sits directly in some boy's lap. A boy with blue eyes who stares at her in shock.

"Why, hello, lovely," he says with a wink. "Tom Baker. Happy to seat you." Abby leaps up and squeaks in shock, dropping her book.

"She doesn't want your puny dick, you knobhead," Adam says, cutting in and grabbing Abby by the shoulders. He bends down and hands Abby her book back. "She's gonna marry this book. Come on, No-Cups."

He leads her to an empty seat and sits her down in between him and a girl with dip dyed blonde and pink hair. "Jesus, Abby," he whispers. "Stay out of trouble. I don't have time to be your carer."

Abby looks over at the girl on her right in interest. "Gee," she says. "Has anyone ever told you that you look like Harley Quinn?"

The girl raises her eyebrows as Adam elbows her. "Shut up, No-Cups," he says. "For an ultra-virgin like you, talking to Cockbiter is trouble."

Abby turns back to the girl. "Wait, why does he call you do that?" She turns away from Abby, and before she can apologize, the morning assembly begins.

Abby leaves the assembly as soon as it ends and heads to her first class. It seems hiding behind Adam isn't particularly helping and hiding behind Meg Cabot definitely isn't. Fortunately, her first class of the day is in music tech, and instead of fumbling through some failed introductions to her classmates, the teacher is already in, and class begins and ends on time. Next up is English, where unfortunately, class hasn't immediately begun upon arrival.

There are a few open seats. One desk is entirely open in the back and another towards the middle of the room has a boy already sitting there. The minute he looks up, Abby blushes. Shit, she thinks. He's gorgeous. Unlike Tom Baker, this guy has the bluest eyes Abby has ever seen in her life. Pacific Ocean blue, which is a thing she thought was made up for the Sweet Valley High books up until now. He has ebony colored hair, pale white skin, and soft pink lips, and she can't help but compare her to some sort of genderbent Disney princess. There is no way in hell Abby can trust herself not to make a fool out of herself in front of this boy, so of course she zooms directly towards the back row. As soon as she sits down, someone else sits next to her. And of course, it's the Harley Quinn girl from the assembly, who's looking at Abby as if she's a pile of dog shit under her shoe.

Finally, class starts, and Abby's spirits lift upon hearing As You Like It is the assigned reading. She's already read the play twice, which should make this class a snap. Until Ms. Sands says the dreaded word: "partners." Abby turns to the Harley Quinn girl and grins nervously. "Sorry about Adam earlier," she explains. "He's a knob but I've known him since I was four. I'm Abby. What's your name?" "Maeve," the other girl says. "Don't worry about the project. I'll do the whole thing. You can, like, call up Timotheé Chalamet or whatever Hollywood heartthrob you're dating this week, and let him know it's cool for him to take the red eye to come see you. No need to play nice." "Actually, I'd rather do the presentation, Maeve," Abby says. "Since apparently I need to prove to you I know how to read and write, I might as well get the whole project done and really blow you away." "Only if you promise to use lots of glitter and rainbow WordArt, Princess." Abby feels her face heat up. This isn't the first time she's been teased for her reading choices, and it won't be the last, but it still stings. "And what will you be using," Abby asks. "A portrait of Rosalind done in your period blood and excessive modern gothic font?" Maeve almost laughs at this comment, but catches herself and instead flips Abby off. "Well," Abby says. "When I'm done fucking myself, you come to my house and we can work on this project. I'm at 36 Ashford Street." The bell rings and she immediately gathers her things and scurries away from Maeve.

Lunchtime comes around, and, at Aimee's request, Adam deposits Abby on the lawn with the other Untouchables. As she sits down, all three stare at her as if she's a frog they're preparing to dissect in biology.

"Are you vegan," Anwar asks. "We were all inspired by the article about your mum in Company to go vegan."

"Uh, not really," Abby says. "Back in L.A., you couldn't keep me away from In-N-Out Burger."

"Really," Olivia says in awe. "Then how do you stay so thin?"

"Skateboarding, mostly," Abby explains. "And dancing. I love music, so I dance really hard in my bedroom."

"Oh, wow? And where in L.A. is My Bedroom," Olivia asks. "I heard all the best clubs are in West Hollywood."

"There's no nightlife in Moordale," Anwar explains. "It's literally the worst."

"I meant my actual bedroom," Abby says. "I have a really wicked sound system in there. Plus I'm always the DJ, so…"

"Oh," Anwar says, unimpressed. "Cute."

"AHEM!" Ruby clears her throat loudly. "Are you two done?" Anwar and Olivia immediately quiet down, bowing their heads like shamed puppies. Ruby narrows her eyes at Abby.

"So," she asks. "What the hell do you think you're doing with our best friend's boyfriend?"

Abby's eyes widen, and she chokes on the can of Minute Maid she brought from home. "Adam? You mean, my friend Adam? I…I'm not doing anything with him. I mean, he's an idiot, but he wouldn't cheat on Aimee. And I'm so not the type to cheat, like, ever! And Ad-dumb? Ew! I mean…"

"Oh, shut up, you massive wetwipe," Ruby says. "We all watched you following him into assembly like a lost puppy dog. You clearly have some sad little crush on him, which will never work out, because Aimee is ten times hotter than you'll ever be. You look like something Kate Moss threw up in 1992, and guess what? No one cares who your mum and dad are; this isn't some shitty Disney Channel movie where the ugly girl wins prom queen and gets the guy."

Many moments have gone by in Abby Hammond's sixteen years of life where she came up with a snappy comeback days after being ridiculed. This, unfortunately, is not one of those days.

Embarrassed, angry, and way in over her head, Abby responds in the heat of the moment. "You wanna talk about Disney Channel movies," she asks. She takes a big swill of Minute Maid and spits it right back out into Ruby Matthews' face. "You just got Lemonade Mouthed…bitch?" As she says that last part, Abby begins to think about the possible consequences of spitting lemonade in a popular girl's face. She can only reach one conclusion: Adam is right. She is indeed a very stupid hamburger.