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WARNING: VERY OOC CHARACTERS UP AHEAD!

Artemis DOESN'T like lollipops

Everyone froze, like a freezeframe in one of those comedy movies that Butler was so fond of.

Harry froze mid-jig, Nico stopped fiddling with his ring, which was also apparently a sword, and Hermione, well, she still hadn't moved from her spot under the sink.

A very angry Professor McGonagall stormed into the bathroom, followed by an impassive Professor Snape and a horrified Professor Flitwick.

"What were you thinking? Taking on a full-grown mountain troll! You could have died!"

Artemis heard Nico mutter something under his breath.

"Wouldn't be the first time."

"And you! Why are you Slytherins here? I would have thought that at least you Fowl, would have the common sense to go to your common room!"

Artemis knew that he probably shouldn't talk back if he valued his life, but he simply couldn't help it!

"On the contrary Professor, going to the common room would have been suicidal. As you probably recall, the troll was first sighted in the dungeons, which is where the Slytherin Common Room is located. I assume that this tiny detail slipped your mind, correct?" he heaved a dramatic sigh, "If we hadn't remembered in time, half the Slytherins in the school would be dead. You really should be thanking us."

Professor McGonagall's face had turned deathly pale. Behind her, Professor Snape looked like he was trying to stifle a smile, although the only indication of this was an occasional twitch of his lips.

"You- you -what? Where are the rest of the Slytherins?" she asked, momentarily distracted.

"Oh them? They're probably still in the great hall, finishing their meals."

Nico, who had remained silent during the exchange perked up at that, "Really? Well, I suppose I might as well join them. I'm super hungry and all, anyway, bye! Hey!" Artemis grabbed the back of Nico's robes and hissed, "You are not getting out of this mess so easily di Angelo! If I can't try one of those infernal lollipops, then you can't have any pizza!"

Nico of course, hissed back, "Lollipops? The great Artemis Fowl wants a lollipop?"

"I want to study them to see if magic can enhance their taste."

"No, you just have a sugar craving."

"No I don't."

"Yes you do."

"I DON'T LIKE LOLLIPOPS!" Artemis yelled.

Professor McGonagall, who had moved on to interrogating the others looked at him confused.

"Excuse me? Mr. Fowl, would you care to explain how sugary confections are related to trolls and house points?"

"I'd rather not."

McGonagall rolled her eyes but continued to scold the Gryffindors. However, Nico and Artemis were in even more trouble now, because they had earned themselves the undivided attention of Severus Snape.

Oh phooey.

***********Line break**********

Severus Snape massaged his forehead. He didn't usually have to deal with students committing dangerously noble acts, that honor was usually reserved for Gryffindors, or even the occasional Hufflepuff. He looked at the two boys in front of him, who were completely ignoring his foreboding presence and were arguing about whether cheeseburgers were better than caviar.

"Of course burgers are better than caviar! Literally everyone in the world loves cheeseburgers! I don't even know what caviar is!"

"Cheeseburgers are uncultured abominations! Caviar is purely organic!"(A.N: I'm just making this up! I have no idea if it's true.)

"No one cares if food is organic or not as long as it tastes good!"

"I care!"

"You have a secret love of lollipops! You're not one to talk! That stuff is full of artificial sweeteners!"

"I DON'T LIKE LOLLIPOPS!"

"Ahem." Snape interrupted. "Are you two done?"

Both boys turned to face him for the first time since they had entered his office. Snape took a piece of paper out of his drawer.

"I've never done the whole 'you are too reckless' speech before because usually Slytherins have more common sense than that." Both boys remained stoic, apparently they had been told that they lacked self-preservation and/or common sense before.

"Thankfully, Professor McGonagall was kind enough to let me borrow her speech. "

He cleared his throat.

"What were you thinking? Insert dangerous activity name here all by yourselves? You could have died! All insert number of participants here of you will be spending insert number of weeks here in detention!" he read emotionlessly.

Snape rolled his eyes, "I'll just skip to the end of this 2 pages long speech. Ah, here it is! If you ever insert dangerous activity name here again you will suffer grave conssssequences." he said, stressing the 's'.

Both boys nodded, apparently trying to look meek and subdued, although they were failing because they still looked ready to go back to snapping at each other. They turned to leave, but Snape still had one more thing to say.

"Fowl?" The boy turned to face him.

"Yes Professor?"

Snape smiled, "Good job winding up McGonagall. I haven't seen her so frazzled for years. Keep up the good work. Also, 10 points for each of you for excellent wand-work. And an extra five points for annoying a Gryffindor."

The boys grinned at each other. Just when the two of them were starting to get along, Snape did what any self-respecting Slytherin would have done.

"Just so you know, cheeseburgers really are better than caviar."

Di Angelo smirked triumphantly, "See Fowl! You were wrong! Hey Sir Nicholas!" he called to a passing ghost, "Spread the word! ARTEMIS FOWL WAS WRONG!"

Fowl chased after him at the speed of a snail, panting the whole way, "I BEG TO DIFFER! WE HAVE CONFLICTING OPINIONS! A DEBATE IS IN ORDER!"

Snape shook his head and closed the door, those two boys were the smartest Slytherins he had seen in a long time, and despite their controlled attitudes at times, they were still absolute children .

********Time Skip********

Quidditch season had(apparently) begun.

Artemis personally couldn't care less, but the upcoming Gryffindor vs Slytherin match had been all anyone could talk about. On the morning of the match, he finally blew it.

"Honestly! Quidditch this, quidditch that, don't you have lives?"

Everyone stared at him, looking bewildered, as though he was the one fixated on a game with flying broomsticks. Although, it would be interesting to observe their flight mechanism...

"This isn't just any Quidditch match! People are saying that Potter is the new Gryffindor Seeker! Potter! I can't wait to see Potter get pulverized! It's going to be awesome!" said Draco.

Artemis raised an eyebrow, "Technically, there is a 50% chance than Gryffindor will prevail."

Draco waved him off, "Gryffindor hasn't won the cup in years, according to Professor Snape. We'll be fine!"

*************Line Break***********

They were, as it turns out, not fine. Harry Potter, ever the trouble magnet, had managed to get his broom jinxed, swallowed the snitch, and had still beat Slytherin.

It was obvious to Artemis that Potter's broom had been jinxed. He had noticed Hermione and Weasley running towards Professor Snape. Artemis of course, being Artemis, could guess why they were running towards him so frantically. It was typical of Gryffindors to assume that the creepy, dark teacher who hates your friend's guts would be responsible for trying to kill him.

Personally, he was more worried about Quirrell. He knew more than enough about psychology and human mannerisms to know that Quirrell was faking his anxiety. But why? He could tell that Nico was wary of the DADA teacher as well, whenever he made eye contact with Quirrell, he would squint, grit his teeth and look away. Something wasn't right about Quirrell.

************Line break(Sorry for all these line breaks today!)************

That evening, Artemis added more strange things about Nico to his notebook. The sword for one, intrigued him. It simply radiated dark magic, how had he snuck it into school? And then there was the whole 'little princey' thing, which was just plain weird. He sighed, and put his notebook back in his bag. It had been months, and he still had no idea who or what Nico was.

'Maybe it would be best if you left this mystery alone?' said a little voice in his head.

Artemis brushed off that idea, he had never come across a mystery he couldn't solve, and he wasn't going to start failing now.

As he sat down next to Nico for dinner, they were interrupted by Harry, Ron and surprisingly Hermione, all of whom looked wide-eyed and frantic.

Harry whispered, "Come on! Let's talk somewhere a bit more private."

Artemis and Nico exchanged an annoyed glance.

"Sorry Harry, but we're hungry. We'll see you later." said Nico, turning back to his meal.

Harry shook his head and yanked on his arm.

"No! This is urgent!"

Artemis scowled, "What could possibly be so important that it can't wait until we finish dinner?"

"We know who's trying to steal the package!"

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