Sasuke is a soothing weight where he lies across his chest. Warm and heavy, just enough to supersede the weight of what they've done together, though not quite enough to chase it from his mind entirely.

He runs his fingers over Sasuke's cheek while he sleeps, through his hair, across his shoulder, and the satisfaction which curls in his chest at being allowed so much implicit trust is near enough to make him sick. They should've spoken more beforehand, he knows. He'd made Sasuke promise to consider the consequences everything between them and in the moment he'd given himself too much allowance, too caught up in his own desires, to see that he'd truly done what he promised. Guilt sinks in his gut, a heavy, a dense pit, but then, it's become a constant over the last few years and he wonders if it's begun to lose its potency, if that's why he's allowed this to transpire. Still, despite the guilt, the worry for what happens to his brother, now, as he traces the bruises he'd bitten into Sasuke's skin, the one thing he doesn't find within himself is regret. There might've been some if he'd been met with any hesitation, if he'd pushed past any boundary, reservation, but the way Sasuke had wanted so openly, keened into every touch, he knows, at least, that Sasuke meant what he said. He's in this, too.

After so many years spent holding himself at arm's length, that's both the best and worst part, to be wanted with a fervor that matches his own. To feel as though it will consume them both.

They're sat across from each other, opposite sides of the table in Itachi's living room, and he sees the anxiety Sasuke feels at the distance. His little brother thinks he's brought them here to try and put distance between them, again, and he'd find it laughable if it didn't break his heart, to know that he'd hurt him enough when he left him the first time that even after what they've done, Sasuke still fears this.

"I won't let you leave me. Not again." The look Sasuke levels him with matches the fire in his voice, but Itachi still catches the vulnerability which stokes the flames. He's serious, that much is obvious, and Itachi is ashamed of how he loves it. Sasuke is sick, he's made him so, and the clarity of it, the possession which carries his words makes it impossible to ignore the truth of his own situation. How much he's willing to overlook and embrace, how much he loves.

"I'm not leaving, Sasuke." He promises, voice steady. It's not a truth he feels good about, but it's one he won't hide from. He reaches out to run his fingers along the back of Sasuke's hand where it's curled around the cup in front of him. "We need to talk about what happens, now."

He doesn't want to be without his little brother again. Wants, selfishly, to keep him here. Under his roof, under his thumb, safe from anyone who might see him and see what Itachi sees, anyone who might offer more. What he can't stand, though, is the thought of Sasuke losing out on anything, being any further diminished because of him. The revulsion which coils tight and nauseating inside of him at the thought is the only thing stronger than his want, and when Sasuke points out that he's almost done with school, that he could go to school here and they could get a place, it would even make their parents feel better about their empty nest, that revulsion is the only thing which gives him the strength to push back for Sasuke's own good.

"You should travel, first." He sees the way his brother's face darkens, feels his hand go rigid under his touch. "You're going to lose so much because of this. Because of me. Please, Sasuke, I don't want you to miss out on everything."

"I don't want to be away from you." There's steel in his words, but his face, the way he winds his fingers around Itachi's wrist as he says it. It's difficult not to give in.

"This isn't something we come back from, little brother." "We have time. Promise me you'll take a summer?" At least that, Itachi tells himself. At least that, he owes them. One last chance for Sasuke to explore, see the world and everything, everyone it has to offer, before being sure he'd rather spend it like this. One last opportunity for Itachi to assure himself he tried. He did his best to protect his brother, to dissuade him.

Sasuke agrees, and in return, Itachi gives him everything.

One summer, Itachi thinks. That's the price of their souls.

He promises Sasuke, he can choose any school he likes, Itachi will find work there, they can get an apartment and play it off as a happy coincidence. Their parents might find it surprising, but they'll be too glad to see them bonding, to see them taking care of each other to question it. And truly, even if they did, Itachi knows their minds would never wander to the truth of the situation.

"Have you considered what you would do if we're found out?" Sasuke looks away from the tv to face him from his place across the couch, their legs tangled across the middle of it, he already looks irrated.

"What we would do." His voice is insistent. "And we'd leave, together. Mom and dad-" There's something there, something difficult, and Itachi feels the reflection of it in his own chest, Sasuke doesn't allow it to trip him up for long, though, "They wouldn't want to see us again, they wouldn't try to stop us. We're both adults, no one could do anything, so we'd just leave. Go somewhere new."

He's not as convinced by their parents' passivity as Sasuke is, he thinks they'd fight to keep their younger son, vilify Itachi to keep at least one of them and he can't blame them, he'd do the same. Still, Sasuke isn't wrong, they're adults, they could leave. They'd be recognized as brothers anywhere they went, but no one would guess the truth behind their living together if they didn't give them cause.

It's become difficult to look.

Only yesterday, he'd struggled not to, found it almost impossible to look away after finally being given the allowance to do so freely. Now, though, when he looks at Sasuke he sees everything. He sees the evidence of his own damnation written across his brother's skin. His weakness and his want in every bruise pressed into soft skin. It makes him sick. It makes him want more.

Touch, though, is another story.

He hides it, hides his eyes and tries to make up for it. Runs his hands over his shoulders when he stands and leaves the table, presses a kiss to the soft skin of his neck when they're preparing dinner together. Always pulling him close, too close to be seen. Still, Sasuke notices. Of course he does, Itachi is proud of him, even at his own expense. Sasuke pushes him away, but he doesn't let him go. Holds him at a careful distance while Itachi is forced to look at him, to watch the way he tries to hold himself together, tries not to be hurt by Itachi's avoidance.

"I don't want to stop." His words are hard, intense as his eyes, and they cut through Itachi with ease. "Do you?"

"You know I don't." How could he imagine otherwise? How could they ever have ended up here if there were any other option?

"Then why won't you look at me?" I'm looking at you right now, Itachi doesn't say. It feels juvenile, both of them know it's not what he means. Both of them already know the answer, too.

Sasuke grows frustrated with his silence, fisting his hands tighter in Itachi's shirt, pulling him closer. "How do I make this easier for you?" He knows his brother well enough to know the anger in his voice is directed inwards.

"Sasuke, no."

"Itachi-"

"If I stop feeling like this-" I don't know what I'll feel in its place, but I'm afraid to find out. He doesn't know how to tell his brother that, though, not so that he'll accept it. Instead, he says nothing, and Sasuke gives up, shoves him hard into the counter and leaves the room, Itachi lets him.

◼︎

Sasuke sees the fear in his brother's eyes. Fear like he's never seen on him before, he hates it. He hates knowing he's the cause of it. Hates knowing that the thing which has brought his brother back to him makes Itachi so miserable. Hates that Itachi thinks he's so weak he'd allow this to happen if he didn't want it, just because Itachi does.

He doesn't ask before he steps into the shower behind his brother, doesn't ask before massaging shampoo into his scalp, warmth blooming inside his chest at the way Itachi tilts his head back, sighs into his touch. He doesn't ask before bringing Itachi around to face him and getting down on his knees. With the water running, it's difficult to look up and see his brother's expression, but there's no real need to. He can feel Itachi's eyes on him, finally, as he reaches up to run his fingers down his soft cock, feeling oddly satisfied at the way he twitches under his touch. Sasuke's never done this before, but he's always been a quick study, especially with his brother to guide him. He's not concerned. He thinks about what would feel good to him, what he'd want to see, and his own groin goes tight at the thought of giving that, being that for Itachi.

Itachi is soft, warm against his tongue when he lifts him to his lips and runs his tongue over the head of him. Sasuke pushes forward, careful as he takes more of his brother into his mouth as he adjusts to the feel of him. He's warm and heavy, swelling quickly as he slides across his tongue. It feels strange, invasive, but every noise Itachi makes, too loud against the tile walls to be drown out by the water, is more than enough to spur him on, make him want to take more, give more. When Itachi runs his hands over Sasuke's hair, gently pushing his wet bangs back where they've stuck to his forehead, Sasuke feels himself grow a little heavier, a little more clumsy with his own arousal. He feels hungry for it in a way he hasn't until now.

It's messy, his jaw aches, he can taste Itachi leaking into his mouth, finds it difficult to swallow like this and feels it gathering at the corners of his mouth and dripping down his chin with his own saliva. He's never been a fan of feeling like a mess, but it's hard to care with Itachi's voice, low and laced with pleasure, in his ears, soft hands spurring him on. He runs his hands up along the planes of Itachi's stomach, down his thighs, and when he feels him tensing it's almost difficult to pull back, but he has a plan. He's going to break Itachi of his new aversion, make it so he can't look away.

Sasuke drags them both out of the shower and finds it a small mercy that they don't slip as he shoves Itachi forward into the counter and presses up against him. Itachi tries to turn but he doesn't fight it when Sasuke holds him in place. Doesn't fight it when he brings a hand up to pull at his wet hair, forcing him to look into the mirror as he mouths at his neck, presses kisses into his shoulder as he wraps his other arm around his waist.

"Sasuke." Itachi breaths.

"Don't close your eyes." Sasuke warns.

He presses bruises into Itachi's skin, raises welts, bites into his nape. Even once this is over, he wants Itachi to see and feel how much Sasuke wants this with him.

When he grabs the lube he'd snuck in from the bathroom Itachi grins at him through the mirror, Sasuke can't even be irritated at his amusement.

"Spontaneous."

"Well prepared."

Something aching and heavy swells inside him when he lets go of Itachi's hair and presses his hand to his neck and Itachi slumps forward, so easily it's as though he's been waiting for a reason to give himself over. Sasuke wants to say a million stupid things about how he'll take care of him, take care of them both, make sure Itachi never hurts again, but he knows he can't give him any of those things. Knows he'll always be the biggest cause of his brother's pain, so instead, he dedicates himself to being to being this, as well. The biggest source of his pleasure, his love. Give him what no one else can.

When he sinks forward, into the warm clutch of Itachi's body, he'd be embarrassed at the noise he makes if not for the way Itachi shudders under his touch, tremors running through him that Sasuke feels around his cock. Their hips meet and the pleasure of it is paralyzing. It feels like molasses, heavy and sticky and dark in his veins, pulling his body tight, all of his focus narrowing down to sight of his older brother's body stretched around his cock, the heat of his body, the way he looks. Sasuke stares into the mirror, not yet able to move for fear that he'll let go far sooner than he wants to. The sight of Itachi, fogging the mirror as he pants, damp hair a mess, hands slipping across the glass and counter as he stares, straight back, into Sasuke's own eyes through their reflection. It's not making it any easier to keep himself together, but he's powerless to look away.

"Come on, baby brother," Itachi urges, voice breathless but almost upsettingly steady, "You've got something to prove, don't you? Come on."

Sasuke feels unbalanced. He feels thirteen again, wrong-footed and eternally playing catch-up with Itachi, wanting only to be seen. He lets himself fall forward against Itachi's back, panting into his nape as he runs his hands down over his ribs. "Itachi," it feels like it breaks something on the way out, and he knows his brother hears it when he reaches up behind himself to cup the back of Sasuke's neck.

"Show me," his voice is warm, "You wanted me to know, right? How much you want this? Then you have to show me." And- yeah. Yeah, Sasuke thinks, he's meant to be the one making Itachi fall apart, not leaning into him for support, about to crawl out of his skin with want he doesn't know how to handle. The thought makes it easier to re-focus, pull himself together on the strength of Itachi's words, the promise of want behind the way he urges him on. He digs bruises into Itachi's skin as he pulls back and thrusts forward. The long, drawn out noise of relief which leaves his brother is enough for him to lift his head to see Itachi's expression, lips dragging over his skin as they find their rhythm together.

The steady, deep roll of their hips isn't quite as rough as he'd imagined, but the heat, inside and around him, of the air, of their bodies, is more overwhelming than he could've anticipated. He wonders, distantly, if it always feels this good, but he thinks he already knows the answer as he stares into a mirror. He can feel the pleasure inside of him building fast, and as much as Itachi looks as though he's come apart at the seams, Sasuke looks worse. He holds back as long as he can, but eventually the tension becomes too much and he seizes, grinding up into Itachi's hips as he empties himself inside of his body while Itachi tugs at his hair, sweet Sasuke, he speaks, voice like honey, something he's never heard before, did so well for me.

Not enough, Sasuke thinks.

He doesn't allow himself the time to catch his breath before pushing back to flip Itachi around and let his legs give out, sink down to his knees. He stares up at Itachi who is damp with sweat and steam, wet lips, dark eyes, body littered with Sasuke's touch, watches the way he shivers as he takes hold of his cock, stroking him slow and tight as he runs his other hand up along the inside of his thigh to push two fingers inside of him where he's slick with Sasuke's own pleasure, massaging at him from the inside out. He leans forward to press a wet, open mouthed kiss to the head of his cock, not allow their gaze to break despite the expression which pulls tight across his brother's face, almost frightening in its intensity. It makes him feel both shy and triumphant at the same time.

Between his hands and his mouth, he finds his pacing and once he's confident in it, he allows himself to let go altogether. Allows his eyes to slip shut as he stops thinking of anything besides the heavy aftershocks of his own pleasure and the way Itachi makes his mouth water. He's bigger than he was before, the weight of him burns heavy over his tongue and against the soft skin of his lips as he sinks forward again and again, losing himself to the feeling of it. Itachi's fingers comes down to curl in his hair and Sasuke can feel them trembling, moans around Itachi's cock at the understanding that he's done that to him. Pushed him so far off balance.

"Sasuke, if you don't want me to-" He makes a point of pushing himself down further, just short of what he knows will make him gag, satisfied at the way Itachi chokes on his own words. He wants.

It's quick, after that, and Sasuke pushes himself down as far as he can manage when Itachi comes, not allowing himself the reflex to pull back. It's easy to swallow without thinking as he sucks, massaging at his cock with his tongue as it pulses inside his mouth. Eventually, when he's finished, he pulls back, panting, and looks up at Itachi with vision he's only just realized has gone hazy. He can feel his pulse in his lips and he's dizzy, he feels good, he feels raw. Itachi sinks down into his lap and kisses him without hesitation, wipes the tears from his eyes as Sasuke allows himself to reach up and curl his hands into his hair, trying to ground himself, shake off the dazed feeling which has clouded his mind. He's no longer sure he accomplished quite what he set out to do, but it doesn't feel like a bad thing.

"Little brother, little brother." Itachi presses kisses into his hair as he speaks. His voice is fond, wrung out, addicting. "You're trying to kill me."

"Stop." Sasuke's voice sounds rough, his throat is raw, and it's enough to make his face hot.

"Mm. Alright." Itachi strokes his cheek with his knuckles as Sasuke looks up at him, feeling helpless. "Did you get what you wanted?"

Itachi isn't afraid to look at him, anymore.

They settle against the couch that night and when Sasuke pulls Itachi back into his chest his brother tips his head back to press a kiss into the underside of his jaw. It feels comfortable. It's terrifying.

It's impossible to shake the heaviness that looms over them, Sasuke knows. Their situation, what they feel for each other, he's not naive enough to think it's a healthy thing, knows exactly how badly it could end, but he also knows well enough that nothing else, no one else, will ever be enough. No one's love could ever touch Itachi's, so thorough and consuming that Sasuke fails to grasp its breadth, at times. He won't settle for anything less, and that's what makes the ease of it, here and now, so terrifying. It would be so easy for this to become something difficult and twisted, something ruinous, and equally inescapable, and he knows he'd do nothing to stop it, so long as it means keeping his brother beside him.

◼︎

Their last night together before Sasuke is due to fly home, Itachi fucks him in front of the mirror. Revels in the sight of himself marking him up, taking him apart, pushing into him hard and bruising and swallowing every sound he wrings from his body.

When Itachi pants against his lips how lovely he looks, Sasuke laughs, half-broken by a moan. "Fucking narcissist," he breathes, "I look like you." Itachi shudders against him when he says it, a noise torn from somewhere deep in his chest.

"You-" Itachi bites off, huffed laughter lost to another moan. Sasuke never finds out what the rest would have been.

Itachi doesn't allow himself any display of the anxiety he feels as Sasuke packs in the other room while he sits in the living room sipping his tea and going over the same page of his book he's been staring at since his brother disappeared down the hall. He knows if he allows Sasuke an inch, he'll take a mile, and he can't let him believe Itachi is at all hesitant about sending him away, making him take his summer to himself. He's thankful he'd thought to push for it earlier, because after days spent indulging the most hidden parts of themselves, he's not sure he'd have had the strength to push him away if he had to do it now. This, though, he can do. He can hold together enough for them both to follow through on their promises. Truthfully, he knows Sasuke will come back to him. It's both wound and relief, but he can see his own fatigue at the cycle of his guilt reflected in his brother's face when he allows it to slip through, so he pushes the thought back. He'll have plenty of time to sit in his shame later on, torn between Sasuke's best efforts to alleviate him of it and the additional guilt of having allowed him to shoulder that burden, as well.

He reaches to open the door for Sasuke and he's pushed into it instead as Sasuke kisses him, hard, and Itachi finds his own fingers fisting so tight in his jacket that his knuckles creak under their own force.

The goodbye at the airport is strangely foreign. It feels more like a memory than anything. A goodbye between brothers, not distant, but purely familial. Innocent, as it should be. He sees that Sasuke feels it too, but there's nothing they can do or say, here, too obviously recognizable as who and what they are for even the slightest slip. Even after Sasuke disappears from his sight, they've already agreed it's too dangerous to text openly about what's changed between them, so Itachi knows the last honest moment he'll have with his brother in months has already passed.

Over the next few weeks, the bruises begin to fade.

After that, things between them start to feel like a dream. A mirage. Some nights, he wakes, aching, from too-vivid dreams and wonders if it really happened.

Then, a letter arrives.

A/N:

I'm not here to name names, but this ended up delayed because some dude (short, furry, sharp nails) thought it would be cool and fun to knock my drink onto my laptop and I had to get it fixed. Hope it's worth the wait 💜

As I was reading this, I actually ended up deleting the last 1k or so because it was very final and since revisiting this story I've had a few ideas for codas/vignettes which could take place in the same universe. I have no idea when I'll actually end up writing them, but I've created a series for this to belong to so that anyone who wants to make sure they don't miss it when I do post more can subscribe to it. No promises that I'll include them if they don't feel right, but I'm open to ideas/requests for places the series could go 💫

I've adored all of your comments! Thanks for reading ✨