Here's a non-Darcy-Lizzy chapter, but we will get back to them in the next chapter.
Chapter 11
After a restless Thanksgiving night, the next morning Catherine de Bourgh got up at around 6:40 am, certain that returning to sleep was now impossible. As was her habit, she showered before turning on her phone.
While Catherine was glad to read the texts from Anne, she was distressed that Anne was planning on remaining away all weekend. One day was far too long.
It suddenly occurred to Catherine to check if Anne had brought her medicines with her. Rather than simply a standard medicine cabinet, Anne had two kitchen cupboards devoted to her past and current medications. While a quick perusal showed Anne's pillbox was gone, her "as needed" medications were sitting in the large plastic storage box, along with her inhaler refill. Catherine had a notion that Anne's current inhaler was close to out. While Anne might not actually run out of anything while gone for a few days, her mother was gripped with a chest-tightening anxiety when she imagined Anne struggling to breathe.
Catherine knew then that there was no conceivable way she could allow Anne to spend all weekend out of state without everything she needed. But she didn't need to as there, in Anne's messages, lay the key to uncovering her daughter's whereabouts.
Uncaring that it was now only around 7:00 am, Catherine de Bourgh immediately called her pastor, the Reverend Will Collins, and demanded without even saying hello first, "What's your cousin Jane's address?"
"Good morning Ms. de Bourgh, I trust that you had a delightful Thanksgiving. How could it be anything but wonderful when surrounded by family at the splendor that is the Rosings Plantation? Indeed nothing could compare to it!"
Mr. Collins sounded much too chipper for so early on a holiday morning and, indeed, his loud voice made her head throb. He happily proceeded on without allowing Catherine to say anything, not that she wanted to talk to him about her miserable Thanksgiving when even his company might have improved things.
Catherine frequently regretted that she'd urged the congregation to hire Mr. Collins, but the truth of the matter was that it wasn't exactly easy to find someone to lead a church populated solely by "grey hairs" whose numbers decreased year after year. If not for Catherine's regular generous donations, Mr. Collins's willingness to work for what was a pittance ($25,000 a year), and frequent infusions of cash when needed, the church would have folded several years earlier. But now, Catherine was almost certain that Mr Collins's sermons were only accelerating the exodus. The previous Sunday only forty-three people had attended, among them her staff of ten. In listening to him, she could definitely understand why.
That was why Catherine had repeatedly suggested sermon topics, recommended videos of other pastors' sermons for him to listen to, and urged him to find a wife. She hoped the right woman could help temper Mr. Collins and make up for his deficiencies in relating to the congregation.
The only woman Catherine had ever known Mr. Collins to date was his cousin, Elizabeth, who he had escorted to Catherine's charity ball. But when Catherine had found out that she was from Kentucky and had so many sisters, she hadn't been able to do anything but mock her.
Beneath the mocking, Catherine had felt a deep resentment. She had always wanted additional children, but it was just not the thing done among the environmentally conscious groups in which Lewis had been deeply embroiled. Even getting him to consent to one child had been a challenge.
For many years, her husband Lewis repeatedly said things like: "Perhaps we ought to sell the Rosings Plantation and commit to a more environmentally sustainable lifestyle." Catherine had always responded by praising his desire to be responsible but being noncommittal; she was eager to stave off any such move without a fight. However, one day Lewis told her, "I am determined; we really must sell the plantation this spring and move into a smaller home."
Fortunately, Catherine had a counter-argument prepared: "Dear, anyone who bought Rosings would use up more resources than us. Instead, we should decrease the environmental footprint of Rosings proper." She had placated him by switching all their lighting to compact florescent bulbs and then LEDs, rerouted their "grey water" to water the property, and made plans for solar panels which now covered Rosings' roof and put power back on the grid. They composted all their food waste, even installed a huge fish tank in the opening for their grand fireplace rather than burn wood or convert to natural gas.
One of the first things Catherine had done once Lewis was gone, was to restore the fireplace to its original grandeur. Many of the other changes she left alone; while she hated how the solar panel roof looked, it would have been a waste of money to yank it all down and fix the roof.
Mr. Collins droned on, "I will forever treasure my memory of joining you at the Rosings Plantation Thanksgiving dinner last year. Ms. de Bourgh, you were so kind to host me. But of course I understand why you recommended that this year I sojourn with my Bennet cousins. Indeed, I welcomed the opportunity as I had every intention of capturing my cousin's heart and perhaps earning her hand, but unfortunately she is far more willful than I could have expected. Mrs. Bennet did her best to get Elizabeth to see reason, but it is clear to me that she is not the right match for me. Otherwise, my cousins' hospitality was pleasant enough, and indeed I remain there still.
"Later today I am to join the Lucases for lunch. You may recall that I introduced you to Charlotte Lucas at your charity ball. The Lucases joined the Bennets for Thanksgiving dinner. Charlotte was quite sympathetic to how Elizabeth had wronged me and I dare say that it was she who encouraged Mrs. Lucas to invite me.
"I would be most happy to obtain Jane Bingley's address, I was at the Bennet-Bingley wedding you know, even though they refused my offer to marry them sans fee. It would have been a pleasant duty to join them in holy matrimony and I do think family should always do for one another. The hotel, while nicely decorated was nothing compared to how Rosings was festooned for your ball. I am certain that when you get to host a wedding for Anne that no one will ever see its equal.
"At my cousin's reception, when it came time to dance, I made it my mission to dance with each one of my cousins, even though they are not nearly as handsome as Miss de Bourgh. If only she had been well enough to dance at your ball; she would have been the brightest light to grace the dance floor! I am so glad you agree that dancing is an appropriate way to celebrate; why in the church I was raised in, dancing was not allowed . . ."
Catherine gritted her teeth as Mr. Collins kept speaking whatever thoughts went through his mind. She was more convinced than ever that he was an idiot. Finally, she interrupted, "The address, Mr. Collins, get me that address."
"Oh, but I do not have it, although I am confident I can obtain it from her parents. I am fairly certain that Mr. Bennet is still abed, Mrs. Bennet, too. She made some noises yesterday about going Black Friday shopping, trying to enlist my cousins Kitty and Lydia to go shopping with her, but Lydia was whining that she did not see why she should have to get up so early when Mrs. Bennet knew what she liked. I can certainly obtain it later today."
Catherine was fairly confident she could get Mr. Collins to rouse the Bennets and get the address if she told him why she wanted it, but she did not want to tell him about Anne leaving precipitously with her cousins. "Well, then, give me the Bennets' address; I may as well stop to see them and you on my way to Indiana. Of course, give me the Bingleys' address as soon as you learn of it."
Mr. Collins dutifully agreed. As soon as Catherine de Bourgh had the Bennets' address, she set off for Kentucky in her Mercedes, the medications beside her on the passenger seat.
Will Collins was left confused by the conversation. Why was Ms. de Bourgh so anxious to get that address and why was she going to Indiana? He shrugged and resumed getting ready. He was hopeful that at lunch with the Lucases today that he might be able to ask Charlotte Lucas on a date.
Catherine arrived at the Bennets' house at around 8:30 am. She immediately exited the car and rang the doorbell. Before the tune had even finished, Mr. Collins was opening the door.
"Oh, Ms. de Bourgh, how lovely to see you! Won't you come in? My cousins as of yet are still abed, but likely they will be up soon." Mr. Collins acted the host and escorted her into the living room. Even as she was evaluating Mr. Collins's clothes and finding them wanting (his turtleneck was much too tight around his middle, he definitely needed a bigger size), Catherine was happy that he was at least dressed.
Catherine was not in any kind of mood to wait for anyone to get up, but before she could demand that Mr. Collins fetch the Bennets and get the information needed, she saw a girl who was perhaps sixteen walk into the living room from down the hall.
The girl was wearing a very thin oversized t-shirt that had pictures of some boy band. Her shirt no visible shorts beneath it, which made Catherine suspect she was just wearing it with panties. She was barefoot and her hair was tangled. The girl gave an exaggerated yawn, without covering her mouth. "Oh, you got it," she murmured, staring at Mr. Collins and then said to Catherine de Bourgh, "Who the hell are you?"
Catherine was annoyed at the girl's rudeness. She straightened herself up, preparing to respond, perhaps say something about how the teen ought to address her elders, but before she could say anything, Mr. Collins jumped into the breach, "Why that is Catherine de Bourgh, the owner of the Rosings Plantation, one of the grandest plantations in the entire south and the benefactor of my church. The Rosings Plantation was the featured house on Environmentally Responsible Living. Her father is one of the giants in the music industry; she is Nashville royalty!"
The girl did not seem impressed.
Mr. Collins then said, "Ms. de Bourgh, this is my cousin, Lydia Bennet, Jane's youngest sister."
Sensing an opportunity, Catherine asked, "Do you know, or could you get me Jane's address?"
"Well, hello to you, too," Lydia responded waspishly. "What do you want with my sister's address?"
Thinking quickly, Catherine de Bourgh said, "Why, I wish to deliver a wedding present to your sister."
"I guess that would be okay," Lydia responded, not entirely convinced. Something about Ms. de Bourgh's tone reminded her of the cartoon Grinch's explanation to Cindy-Lou Who that he was taking the whole Christmas tree just to fix a light.
While Lydia doubted Ms. de Bourgh's supposed reason for wanting the address, Mr. Collins nodded to himself. Nothing was ever beneath Ms. de Bourgh's attention and it did not surprise him in the least that such a great woman would want to get a wedding present for his cousin. Such an action was certainly a compliment to him.
"I can look it up in my mom's address book," Lydia told Ms. de Bourgh. "She still writes things down on paper and still has a home phone; it is practically prehistoric." Lydia rolled her eyes in recalling what she thought of as her mom being dumb.
Lydia walked over to a black corded phone that Catherine had not noticed before and started flipping through an address book. Catherine whispered loudly to Mr. Collins, "Why didn't you do that already?"
He shrugged. "I didn't know Mrs. Bennet had an address book there."
Lydia walked back over to where Catherine was standing and handed her a yellow sticky note with an address. "Here, I am going back to bed."
"Mr. Collins, let's go," Catherine announced, making a split second-decision that it would be preferable to have him drive her. "We'll take my car."
"Oh, Ms. de Bourgh, I'd be more than delighted to drive you anywhere, but what about my car? What about saying goodbye to my hosts? I have plans with the Lucases and it would be so very rude to not show up. I'm not even packed."
Lydia paused from walking away and turned around, "I'll tell Mom and Day you left."
"We will sort out your car later; you can come back for it and your bag. Just reschedule the lunch." Catherine told him, unwilling to have any further delay.
Mr. Collins shrugged and told Lydia, "Please thank your mother and father for their hospitality, conveying my deepest gratitude for the most delicious Thanksgiving meal, save for Ms. de Bourgh's of course, and that I will return for my cars and things later. Perhaps this evening?" He looked over at Catherine for guidance. She regally gave a quick nod.
Mr. Collins then said, "I am at your disposal, Ms. de Bourgh. Just let me grab my wallet and coat." He hurried away, one hand rubbing absently at his bald head.
Ms. de Bourgh decided to visit the bathroom at the Bennets' rather than risk a public gas station restroom. She asked Lydia, "Girl, where is the powder room?"
After Lydia generally pointed in the direction, Lydia walked away, yawning. She was pleased that her annoying cousin would be leaving.
Ms. de Bourgh tried one door, which turned out to be a closet, and then found the bathroom. She was pleasantly surprised to find it clean and larger than she would have expected.
Ms. de Bourgh used the facilities, leaving the toilet clogged and closing the lid to conceal the matter. She saw no need to search for a plunger. It was the Bennets' own fault for not having a better toilet.
Catherine thoroughly washed her hands and came back to find Mr. Collins wearing his coat and with a bag in his hands. She was a bit annoyed that Mr. Collins had not followed her directions and not left packing for later. However, she supposed she did not need to say anything as he had not kept her waiting.
It was only after they had left the house, Mr. Collins closing the door after Ms. de Bourgh none-too-quietly, that Mrs. Bennet got up and put on a robe. She passed Lydia in the hall and asked, "Was someone here?"
Lydia gave a large sigh, "Will Collins just left with some lady."
"Some lady!?" Mrs. Bennet dashed to the window and cast the curtains aside. She just got a quick glance at Mr. Collins driving a Mercedes away, with a woman in the passenger seat. "Goodness, he is supposed to be dating Lizzy. I am going to strangle that girl if she let Mr. Collins get away. She just needs to get settled down rather than flitting here and there. Whoever heard of a woman getting a Ph.D.? She needs to settle down like her sister and Will Collins is good enough for the likes of her."
"Now that you're up mom, you've got to go shopping and get me some new clothes. Pleeeeeease?" Lydia tilted her head, made a pouty face and gave her mother a pleading look.
"I don't know, Lydia. I am still rather tired. It would be so much easier if you and your sister would go with me!"
Lydia increased her pouting, pleading, "Please Mama? Your little girl needs more clothes!"
"Oh, alright dear." Mrs. Bennet yawned, "I supposed I can go looking for some new things for you."
Meanwhile, Will Collins was trying to figure out why they were driving to Jane Bennet's house. He dearly wanted to ask questions, but Ms. de Bourgh after insisting that he put Jane's address into the GPS on his phone and start driving, had announced, "I have a head ache and desperately need a bit of a nap. Please don't talk to me; I wish to rest."
However, within a few minutes Ms. de Bourgh started to complain, "Mr. Collins, you aren't driving fast enough. I don't want this trip to take all day. Now place your hands at ten and two and get around this truck."
Mr. Collins wanted to argue, to explain that the current thinking was that the nine and three hand position on the wheel was supposed to be better, tell her that didn't want to get a traffic citation by driving too fast, and clarify that he was only behind the truck because he had to turn right soon on his way to enter the interstate. However, he pressed his lips together and remained silent."